a REAL first time story

if you haven't heard of the mommy porn phenomenon that is 50 shades, please send me the address of the rock you're hiding under, i would love to join you.

"know thy enemy" and so i read the books. all three of them. and i almost vomited.

where do you start? the fact that they FUCKED UP every single part of a healthy sex life? sure, let's start there. how about labeling spanking as abuse and giving it a bad name for people that have never even thought about trying it. or the fact that every. single. adult store in town has posters up everywhere about 50 shades and the toys there in? yes, i know this for a fact. yes, it pisses me off. soccer moms without a clue venturing into a world that takes research, thought and communication to be done in a healthy way. fuck. talking to the guy at castle i found out they've had to TRIPLE their order on all the stuff mentioned in the books. and it's still selling out.

"isn't this a good thing? getting people to open up sexually?"

NO. because they're going off something they read in a book. A FICTION BOOK. any spanking, toys, anything in that realm requires communication and trust. they are NOT marriage savers. they are not something that should just be picked up. it could lead to a LOT of problems, pain, mistrust, abuse if not handled properly.

let's not even start about how from the very first sexual experience (a virgin to boot) EVERY. SINGLE. ORGASM. was perfectly synchronized and magical rainbows and sunshine. FUCK YOU FIFTY SHADES. synchronized orgasms are the exception, not the rule. perfect sex every time takes TIME and getting to know your partner. thank you for setting unrealistic expectations. fucking bitch. RAWR.

ok. end rant. kind of. all that fucking BULLSHIT aside, here is my answer to 50 shades: (this may end up being multiple posts to cover all the misconstrued sexual experiences).

FIRST TIME (virgin) SEX:

She had been crushing on him for most of the year but he still hardly noticed her existence. They had talked a few times, he had snuck into her room late one night and done something strange to her. Many years later she learned that strange thing was oral sex and when done right can be amazing. MANY. YEARS. LATER. (and a few more for the amazing part).

He was perfect in her eyes- muscular, tanned, athletic. She was non-existent to him- a virgin, a church girl, a nerd. Their world had no intersection, no reason to be around each other, no matter how hard she tried to make it so.

One day she heard that he would be moving to a different state and knew it was her last chance to get his attention. There was only one thing she knew that would get him to notice her, only one thing that would make him want to spend time with her.

One fall night at a High School Wrestling match, she timidly approached him.

"I heard you were moving."

"Yup."

"Well, if you want to have sex before you leave, I'm ready."

"Ok. Lay down."

She looked around the dirty, empty high school class room. Here? But he was willing, he was paying attention to her, that was all that mattered.

She lay down on the floor of the room and wiggled her wrangler jeans down as far as they would go while he unzipped his jeans and knelt over her.

In the quiet of the empty room he pushed into her, hard and painful. She tried to relax but the pain was just too intense.

"Ow. That kinda hurts." She whispered.

"Ok." he said standing up, zipping his jeans.

Without another word he walked out of the room and she never saw him again. She quietly pulled her jeans back on and stared in horror at the large stain all over the classroom carpet having no idea what to do or how to cover it up or make it go away. Ashamed, she left the room and never went back. Thankfully, it was never one of her assigned classes the rest of the three years in high school.

The next day at school everyone knew about what had happened. It was her first lesson about how boys talk. An embarrassing, long lasting lesson. It would be two years before she let another boy anywhere near her again, and then only to quell the pressure of peers.

THAT. see that? THAT is a mother fucking first experience. not some perfectly orchestrated multi-orgasmic love fest with a perfectly sculpted multimillionaire god in a gigantic bed with a maid to wash the sheets after. FUCK YOU FIFTY SHADES. fuck you for making every woman feel inadequate. fuck you and your horribly written fanfic gone overboard. fuck you and your "escape from reality" bullshit.

oh, and if you haven't noticed, I FUCKING HATE THOSE BOOKS.