gone fishing...

i'm pretty sure i've posted something similar to this before. maybe not. maybe i've just thought it a hundred and twelve times but never written it out. a QUICK (i scanned) review of my last whatever blogs under the "dating" tag didn't make this sound like a repeat, so for all intensive purposes, unless you can prove me wrong, let's consider this a brand new shiny post. here we go:

so, as it turns out, i am either a) a complete idiot, b) a glutton for punishment, or c) both.

i have signed up, yet again, on one of those online dating websites. I’M BORED. ok? shut it. plus? you guys get all the good reading without any of the permanent personal trauma. you know you love me for taking this bullet for you.

there’s one thing that is abundantly clear looking at these sites: GUYS ARE DISGUSTING MONKEYS (no offense to any male readers, but you kinda are).

now i’ll admit it right up front: i’m a shallow, petty, snarky bitch. and when i say bitch, i mean: judgmental, catty, mean, and did i say shallow?

I WILL JUDGE YOU BASED SOLELY ON WHAT YOU CHOSE AS YOUR PROFILE PICTURE.

i’m not sorry either. if you can’t take the time to pick a decent picture, i can’t take the time to look at you in any way other than to make fun of you.

here’s what is NOT a decent picture:

anything showing JUST your bare chest/stomach. two strikes: if you have such a picture but list yourself as looking for a “serious relationship.” umm…BULLSHIT. you know you’re looking for sex. i know you’re looking for sex. just list that you’re looking for sex, call it a day and i won’t have to hate you for being an asshole liar AND a total douchecanoe.

any form of a wife beater in the picture. DOUBLE THAT if said wife beater has stains on it. REALLY? you couldn’t find a picture with a real shirt without stains to post as your profile pic? and you wonder why you’re still single? it’s a fucking mystery.

pictures of you sitting at your computer desk with a stack of laundry/dirty dishes/trash piles in the back ground. REALLY? and let me guess, our first conversation will revolve around which level you’re up to on w.o.w. nice. get off your damn computer. get outside. interact with other REAL people. vomit.

pictures of you with any other woman: REALLY? i don’t care if it’s your mom/sister/bff/kidney donor. NO. just NO. are you fucking kidding me?

duck face? it’s bad enough on women. on men? OH HELL NO YOU DIDN’T.

pictures of you with your kids. i get that you love them. do YOU get that this is a free site and any creepy pedo can jump on here and snag your precious spawn for their disgusting library? do you really want to put your kid at risk like that? i get that your world revolves around them and they’re your #1 priority and you’re a fantastic family man…you made sure to say it 900 times in the 3 sentences you posted about yourself. but PICTURES? REALLY?

bonus tip: i know that whatever’s in the picture with you is what will take top priority in the relationship be it friends, cars, pets, kids, family, whatever. if i see anything besides YOU in the picture, i’m skipping it. you on a mountain top? nice. well done. i’m not hiking up a fucking mountain with you, and it’s a sure thing that i’ll be asked at some point. no, i don’t care that you restored that car by sacrificing every weekend (and every penny) for 80 years. kinda figured that’s where the single thing came from. your MOM? cut the fucking apron strings already. save the freak show for a third date. let me get used to YOU first.

now, as to the actual profile: IF YOU CAN’T USE REAL WORDS IN REAL SENTENCES YOU’RE DONE. while we’re at it: YOUR, YOU’RE. i hate you already.

“i’ve never done something like this before…” i don’t give a fucking rats ass, you’re here now so let’s just start there.

“i’m not sure what to say about myself…” then i’m not sure i want to spend any more time even considering you. “i’m a pretty normal guy…” BULLSHIT. we’re all crazy to some degree. own it. fly that freak flag proudly.

“i’m just getting out of a long painful relationship…” i’m not dr. phil. fix your shit, THEN sign up on here. i’m not going to waste my time making you all better cause guess what? I CAN’T. that’s all on you freakaziod.

“no drama, no games…” cue freak show music. this means you’re ALL drama and ALL games. you just don’t want competition.

email: general rule of thumb: the number of words you type in your email is exactly equivalent to the amount of time i’ll spend considering you. if “hi” is all you can manage? GONE. “wuzz up?” PISS OFF. “you’re pretty hot.” DUH. FUCKING IDIOT. get the trend here? send me a REAL message and show me you can string together more than three syllables and form a coherent thought without hurting yourself. MAYBE then you’ll get a response.

i’m a being a picky selective bitch and is this probably why i’m still single?

yup.