Femme Writes: Reproduction

About Women's Writes:
When the Criminal Homicide and Abortion Amendments bill passed in Utah at the beginning of March, both Shine and Marie reached the end of their rope when it came to women’s rights and issues consistently being pushed backwards rather than moving forwards. They decided to create Women's Writes, the fifth day of every month in which any blogger could write about women’s rights and issues and bring them to the forefront so that we could speak up and make all of our voices heard.

On the 5th of every month, bloggers from around the world are open to write about rights and issues concerning women. First started by Shine and Marie, we’re hoping to bring a variety of women’s issues to the forefront to make people aware of what’s going on. For the month of May, we’ve chosen to write about Women’s Reproductive Rights and Issues. Please join us in telling us your stories, thoughts, and ideas on a monthly basis.

ok kids. serious topic here: women’s rights: they’re being trampled. they’re being adjudicated. they’re being controlled by everyone else BUT THE WOMAN.

holy crap- i’ve written and deleted 5 different openings to this blog. i know what i want to say. i know what my opinions are, i just can’t make them come out right today. i’m trying to be all professional and smart…i guess i just need to be me…so here it goes:

reproduction:

i got knocked up at 17. first time out of the gate. BAM. october 5, 1997. yeah…i know the EXACT date. not really something you forget. i, obviously, was not the sharpest crayon in the box. i didn’t know about sex and birth control back then, and i didn’t know who to ask. add in the 17 year old thinking: “it’ll never happen to me” and 9 months later you have me popping out a 9 pound 11 ounce spawn. NICE. see, i was raised in a SMALL town. small as in 7000 people. small as in when my brother got an MIP in high school my parents knew about it less than 5 minutes later cause they ran into the cop at the gas station. and, as it usually happens in small towns, it was (still is) a VERY religious town. i grew up in church. and i grew up with a very strict mom. you did NOT talk about things in our house. anything. when i got my first visit from aunt flo i left a note on my mom’s pillow because it just wasn’t something you talked about. it wasn’t questioned that when it was “sex talk” time in school i automatically went to the abstinence classes. no way did i need to hear “that filth” about sex ed. sex was never discussed. birth control was never discussed. to make things SO MUCH BETTER, my mom worked at the local health clinic so i couldn’t even sneak in an appointment to talk to someone else about it. and then i go and get knocked up…ironic? or just lack of education? i think both…even better? NOT EVEN KIDDING: after i got knocked up…i STILL had to take the abstinence class that spring at school. that’s right…EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT in the abstinence class. you can’t make that shit up. q.u.a.l.i.t.y. i swear to heaven my mum is half ostrich with her ability to stick her head so far and so resolutely in the sand.

~sigh~ EDUCATE YOUNG WOMEN. that’s my first issue with women’s rights. before you can discuss abortion, before you can discuss parenting, you have to be able to talk about HOW it happens in the first place. parents: you’re not doing your kids favors by keeping information from them. hell, my kids and i are ALREADY having sex talks at my house. i DO NOT want them to go through what i have. and i’d rather them hear it THE RIGHT WAY from me than from some kid with half ass knowledge in the locker room at school. puberty: covered it. birth control: covered it. stds/aids: covered it. and my oldest one is 11. is it too early? i don’t think so. the school he’s in goes up to 6^th grade…and you KNOW those kids are already talking about it (and some doing it! YIKES).

EDUCATE. please. for the love of all that’s good and right. EDUCATE. if these girls knew about birth control and their bodies and their personal rights, 90% of the abortion issue would go away. it wouldn’t be an issue any more. EDUCATE. TEACH. TALK. get over being embarrassed. it’s how we all got here. EDUCATE.

my case was lucky: i’m a fighter. i didn’t get knocked up and give up on life. i got knocked up in october, graduated high school that june, had my son in july, and started college that september. i got a job, got my own apartment, graduated with an AA degree, and then was offered a scholarship to attend a 4 year college. AND I DID IT. i worked through college doing classes/work during the day, doing the mom thing in the afternoons, papers late into the night, and repeat DAILY for two years. but i graduated with my BA degree. and you’re damn right i’m proud of that.

well, about the time i graduated college i was set up on a blind date. four months later i was married. three months later we were pregnant- on purpose this time. my son was 4, his son was 9…didn’t make sense to wait and have them too far apart. well…a few months after that, things started to fall apart. we were married in march, pregnant in june, and i moved out the first time that september. talk about a FAST TRACK in life. we ended up back together because i had already done the single mom thing with one kid and REALLY wanted to make it work “the right way” the second time around. well, by march when the baby was due it wasn’t going well…to say the least. and here’s where my second issue with women’s rights comes in: i KNEW things weren’t going well. at that point i KNEW i would be a single mom again, this time with two kids. so i asked my doctor to do a tubal ligation during the delivery. i did NOT want to pull the small town hat trick and end up at some point being the girl with three babies and three baby daddy’s. i was DONE. single mom with one was hard. i knew a single mom with two would be an even bigger challenge. three? NO THANK YOU. so, at 22 years old, with one spawn and one on the way, i asked to be done. no more please. hell…take it all out and donate it to someone else…obviously mine works fine…give it to someone that had hers removed or whose doesn’t work. FINE BY ME.

but…

not fine by the doctor. well, fine by MY doctor, but not fine by the state of washington medical board. see, my doctor was great. he understood. he had been through both pregnancies with me and he backed up my decision. turns out: he had to FIGHT for my decision. in the great state of washington, if you are under a certain age (26 WITH kids, 30 without i believe), you MUST have a board of doctors approve your decision to have a tubal ligation. yes. that’s right. i had to have a board of doctors approve my decision to NOT have any more children. i had to be approved to limit my reproductive abilities. i had to ask permission, from a board of people. a whole board. so my doctor went to the board and had to fight for permission for me. he had to explain that i already had two kids. he had to assure them that i was fully aware of that the decision meant. he had to battle with them to be allowed to perform the procedure on me. and this wasn’t on the state dime- this wasn’t some extraordinary medical procedure at the tax payers cost. i was working full time, my husband was working full time, we BOTH had full medical coverage. but still, my doctor had to battle with the board to have the procedure approved. and it was. and he did a good job. i warned him that if i had another kid after that HE was going to raise it…so he ended up doing TWO cuts in each side, just to make sure. thank heavens in that small town i DID have a great doctor that was willing to got to bat for me. here i am 7 years later and i DO NOT regret my decision at all. i DO regret that it was such an issue. i DO regret that it wasn’t a decision i could make on my own. maybe regret isn’t the right word there…pissed off? is that a better word? i am still PISSED OFF that it wasn’t a decision i could make on my own.

i didn’t realize at the time what a big issue it was…too many other things going on at that point for that to be a focus. but now, looking back…who the fuck did they think they were? making me ask permission?? FUCK THAT. it’s MY body. who were they to have rights over MY body? did they consider what would have happened if they HADN’T allowed the procedure? i shudder to think of that path: how do you tell your abusive (oh…did i forget to mention that part?) husband that you want to go on birth control or have him start wearing condoms? what would have happened if i had gotten knocked up by him again before i could get out of the situation? where would i be now if i had THREE kids to take care of? OH HELL NO. _I_ knew the factors. _I_ made my decision. who were they to second guess or make me argue my own experiences?

and now…with all the battles going on, with the abortion issue so present, with our own rights to our own bodies being controlled by courts and lawyers and opinionated doctors…you know…what’s next? they won’t tell these girls how NOT to get pregnant. they won’t tell these girls the options they have once they ARE pregnant. they make girls ask for permission to not get pregnant again- and not just a tubal…around here you still have to get a parents permission to get birth control even AFTER you’ve had a kid if you’re still under age (or at least i would have had to after the first one).

these are OUR bodies. these are OUR lives. WE have to live with the decisions. no one else. so why should anyone else be able to tell us what’s right for us? why should some senator or judge or doctor be able to tell ME what to do with the rest of my life? why should someone who reads about my case on paper or checks me in an exam room for 5 minutes think they know better than i do or can make a better decision than i could?

GIVE ME BACK _MY_ RIGHTS TO _MY_ body. or…you know what…if they want to make my decisions for me? FINE. but they also get to deal with my PMS, my mouthy kids, my empty checkbook, my single parent life, my lack of a social life, my depression, my EVERYTHING. you want it? you get it ALL. bastards. and NO, i won’t go get more tampons for you. no one gets them for me. STILL want the rights to my body? oh yeah…and you’re bloated this week and nothing fits…and aunt flo showed up a week and a half early with NO warning. deal with THAT.