so. i just got a call from my son's principal. it seems my son has been accused of making a racist remark.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
my kid? REALLY? have you MET my kid?
~sigh~
so. the story goes. a bunch of kids were standing around at school and he hear a pack of girls talking about racism. one of the girls happens to be of african american decent and VERY sensitive about it (according to the principal). my son heard these girls talking about racism and asked: "how can you be racist if you're black?"
GRANTED...not the best thing to say, but i totally get where he's coming from. he's trying to figure out why someone who would probably be a target for quite a bit of racism in our neck of the woods (intentionally used phrase there) would themselves perpetuate racism onto others.
basically: hey, you know how bad something like this sucks, why would you be the same way to someone else?
BUT. being who he is, he blurted out the first thing that popped into his overly developed chicken little brain and caused offense. and now he's being accused of being racist. ironic, isn't it? he was TRYING to say something about NOT being racist and got accused of BEING racist.
lame.
might as well join in the fun eh? i'm racist against prepubescent teenage girls with too many hormones raging through their bodies that are talking too much smack then get into a typical girl hissie fit and accuse someone else of talking smack.
going WAY out on a limb, completely out in left field, and i will probably offend several people by making this statement, and i get that i'm probably not qualified to make this statement, but i'm dropping it anyway:
MAYBE this little girl needs to learn to be comfortable in her own skin whatever damn color it is and learn to stop being so sensitive about it. EVERY SINGLE KID in that school has something about themselves that they're uncomfortable with. i can guarantee that 100%: EVERY SINGLE STUDENT has something they don't like or are worried that someone is going to point at or make fun of. MY KID has been bullied for the last two weeks for wearing his shirts that he designed himself. but all he can do is talk to a teacher and get ignored (which i mentioned to the principal...how can you allow bullying in a school designed for gifted kids where they're supposed to be among like minded peers and above all that??) he can't drop buzz words like racism and get everyone's attention. he just has to put up with it until someone barks loud enough (i have a damn loud bark by the way).
THIS WASN'T RACISM. this was a kid trying to figure out why other kids are being mean to each other. he didn't say it maliciously. he didn't say it to hurt anyone. he was asking a question to try to figure out a fucking answer.
I KNOW he needs to learn to think twice and speak once. hell...most of us adults are still working on that lesson. and i'm sure this will greatly improve his learning curve on that one. but HOLY HELL PEOPLE.
go listen to some damn avenue q and shut the hell up already.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
its like old yeller...
ok kids. it is a well known fact that i have some seriously FUCKED UP conversations. i’ve been known to embarrass, shock, terrify, confound, offend, leave speechless, and make hot beverages shoot out noses.
it’s a gift. what can i say.
did you miss the conversation about shoulder blades? or the one about how i will NEVER go on a date with another guy from arizona? did you hear the conversation about how i wished i could make a coat out of my brother instead of cremating all his beautiful tattoos (he had two FULL sleeves and a full chest/stomach piece! it just made sense!)?
today kids. today we have another entry that easily makes it into the top three conversations OF ALL TIME. and it started simple enough:
i’m at work today talking to a coworker about a job that has just come in…it’s for some work down in adams county. thought i had remembered a buzz about a new prison going in down in that direction. turns out there is a prison closing down there…a women’s prison. conversation as follows:
me: what do they do with all the people when they close a prison?
him: put em down.
me: um…what? put em down? like when an animal shelter closes and they have to put down all the unadopted animals?
him: yup. if no one claims them by a certain date they just put em down.
not even kidding: this is the closest i’ve come to peeing myself at my desk i was laughing so fucking hard. i may have even snorted in the presence of said coworker. oh.em.gee. i’m still dying thinking about it.
it’s a gift. what can i say.
did you miss the conversation about shoulder blades? or the one about how i will NEVER go on a date with another guy from arizona? did you hear the conversation about how i wished i could make a coat out of my brother instead of cremating all his beautiful tattoos (he had two FULL sleeves and a full chest/stomach piece! it just made sense!)?
today kids. today we have another entry that easily makes it into the top three conversations OF ALL TIME. and it started simple enough:
i’m at work today talking to a coworker about a job that has just come in…it’s for some work down in adams county. thought i had remembered a buzz about a new prison going in down in that direction. turns out there is a prison closing down there…a women’s prison. conversation as follows:
me: what do they do with all the people when they close a prison?
him: put em down.
me: um…what? put em down? like when an animal shelter closes and they have to put down all the unadopted animals?
him: yup. if no one claims them by a certain date they just put em down.
not even kidding: this is the closest i’ve come to peeing myself at my desk i was laughing so fucking hard. i may have even snorted in the presence of said coworker. oh.em.gee. i’m still dying thinking about it.
cleaning out the post its:
i try to keep track of all the things i want to brain vomit about. this usually ends up being either notes scribbled on my wrist while driving or a plethora of post it notes covering everything with an area even partially big enough/capable of holding the smallest section of the sticky backing. more than once i've had to clean out the sea of post its that have fallen off my phone to be abandoned on the bottom of my purse. that being said: i've stacked up a few again. and since i seem to be on a roll tonight (this morning) let's clean house shall we!
my movie premier: I WENT TO A MOVIE PREMIER. and i saw my friends (and yes, even myself) up on the big screen. in a REAL, FULL LENGTH MOVIE (which will be debuting at a LARGE international film festival within a few months). can't even say how epic that was. got all dressed up, went out to the premier and then out with the writer/director/actors afterwords. E.P.I.C. can i say that again? EPIC. a real freaking movie. written. filmed. produced. ON THE BIG FUCKING SCREEN. and i was in it! see the picture in the wallet of the guy and his dead wife? I'M THE DEAD WIFE IN THE PICTURE. dont' worry. i won't charge too much for autographs.
new couples: you know how you go out to breakfast and you see a couple come in and you KNOW it's one of their first awkward morning after breakfasts? yeah...i got to sit next to one of those the other day. HI-LARIOUS. first off you know it's new because she's DRAGGING him in to the place by his hand. almost literally dragging him. as in arms fully extended in each direction (him: forward, her: backwards). she's "casual" in a ball cap, retard suit...i mean track suit, sneakers...but her ponytail out the back of the hat is very polished, she is in FULL war paint, and she keeps checking and adjusting herself. you KNOW girls stop putting in that effort once a guy is good and suckered in. second clue that it's new: every story requires a FULL back story before it can be completed. example: so. i ran into my buddy mick yesterday...you know mick...he's the guy that goes to mexico with his school teacher wife...the brunette...every year and brings me back a case of mexican beer. i think you met him once at that football party. and mick reminded me that we have a poker game this weekend. it's a poker game all the guys and i have been doing since college. we had to stop for a few years when everyone got married and started having kids but we started it up a few months ago. we get together at a different guys house every week and play poker til we run out of beer or money or both. so mick reminded me of this poker game, but i told him i won't be able to make it this week...
SERIOUSLY? a give minute diatribe to say there's a poker game this week you won't be going to? HI-LARIOUS. it was even better watching her nod along the whole time KNOWING she was taking crazy mental notes about ALL of it for future reference. epic. morning after breakfasts. awesome to watch. not so great to be stuck at.
return policy: i figured out which dating category i fit into finally. i'm not allowed to be "single" since i have a divorce on my wrap sheet. i HATE saying that i'm divorced since i've been single three times longer than i was married since the divorce (i firmly believe that once youve been single longer than you were married you should be allowed to be JUST SINGLE again). anywho. i'm not single. i hate being divorce. so i created a new category just for me: returned. yeah. that's me. RETURNED. which really isn't better than single or divorced. it's like the tv on the clearance rack at sears that's been returned: there's no box, you take it as is. it's not marked down much because there's nothing wrong with it. there's no defects, it has the remote. it works perfectly fine. but it's still clearance. does anyone really want the clearance marked down item? once in a while a creepy bargain shopper will threaten to take you home. but that's about it. you just sit there on the return shelf watching all the brand new tv's find a home. or people scavenging the heavily damaged, REALLY marked down ones (really, i can fix it...). doesn't matter why it was returned- if it was way better quality than the original purchaser knew how to handle. or whether the guy couldn't afford the payments. or if he decided that he really couldn't handle the little extras that came with it. or if he decided to pick up a twice rejected whore of a tv tossed off to the side of the road offering blow jobs for $20 in the back of a gas station with big hips and bad rodeo hair (you know how some tv's can be...)
hmm...where was i? oh yes. i'm the like-new returned tv sitting on the shelf. getting dusty. and older/less flashy than the new models every day. and the most action i get is when the cleaning crew runs a feather duster over me. that reminds me...time to schedule my annual girl appointment...
my movie premier: I WENT TO A MOVIE PREMIER. and i saw my friends (and yes, even myself) up on the big screen. in a REAL, FULL LENGTH MOVIE (which will be debuting at a LARGE international film festival within a few months). can't even say how epic that was. got all dressed up, went out to the premier and then out with the writer/director/actors afterwords. E.P.I.C. can i say that again? EPIC. a real freaking movie. written. filmed. produced. ON THE BIG FUCKING SCREEN. and i was in it! see the picture in the wallet of the guy and his dead wife? I'M THE DEAD WIFE IN THE PICTURE. dont' worry. i won't charge too much for autographs.
new couples: you know how you go out to breakfast and you see a couple come in and you KNOW it's one of their first awkward morning after breakfasts? yeah...i got to sit next to one of those the other day. HI-LARIOUS. first off you know it's new because she's DRAGGING him in to the place by his hand. almost literally dragging him. as in arms fully extended in each direction (him: forward, her: backwards). she's "casual" in a ball cap, retard suit...i mean track suit, sneakers...but her ponytail out the back of the hat is very polished, she is in FULL war paint, and she keeps checking and adjusting herself. you KNOW girls stop putting in that effort once a guy is good and suckered in. second clue that it's new: every story requires a FULL back story before it can be completed. example: so. i ran into my buddy mick yesterday...you know mick...he's the guy that goes to mexico with his school teacher wife...the brunette...every year and brings me back a case of mexican beer. i think you met him once at that football party. and mick reminded me that we have a poker game this weekend. it's a poker game all the guys and i have been doing since college. we had to stop for a few years when everyone got married and started having kids but we started it up a few months ago. we get together at a different guys house every week and play poker til we run out of beer or money or both. so mick reminded me of this poker game, but i told him i won't be able to make it this week...
SERIOUSLY? a give minute diatribe to say there's a poker game this week you won't be going to? HI-LARIOUS. it was even better watching her nod along the whole time KNOWING she was taking crazy mental notes about ALL of it for future reference. epic. morning after breakfasts. awesome to watch. not so great to be stuck at.
return policy: i figured out which dating category i fit into finally. i'm not allowed to be "single" since i have a divorce on my wrap sheet. i HATE saying that i'm divorced since i've been single three times longer than i was married since the divorce (i firmly believe that once youve been single longer than you were married you should be allowed to be JUST SINGLE again). anywho. i'm not single. i hate being divorce. so i created a new category just for me: returned. yeah. that's me. RETURNED. which really isn't better than single or divorced. it's like the tv on the clearance rack at sears that's been returned: there's no box, you take it as is. it's not marked down much because there's nothing wrong with it. there's no defects, it has the remote. it works perfectly fine. but it's still clearance. does anyone really want the clearance marked down item? once in a while a creepy bargain shopper will threaten to take you home. but that's about it. you just sit there on the return shelf watching all the brand new tv's find a home. or people scavenging the heavily damaged, REALLY marked down ones (really, i can fix it...). doesn't matter why it was returned- if it was way better quality than the original purchaser knew how to handle. or whether the guy couldn't afford the payments. or if he decided that he really couldn't handle the little extras that came with it. or if he decided to pick up a twice rejected whore of a tv tossed off to the side of the road offering blow jobs for $20 in the back of a gas station with big hips and bad rodeo hair (you know how some tv's can be...)
hmm...where was i? oh yes. i'm the like-new returned tv sitting on the shelf. getting dusty. and older/less flashy than the new models every day. and the most action i get is when the cleaning crew runs a feather duster over me. that reminds me...time to schedule my annual girl appointment...
could you?
i've been meaning to share this for a week or so now. just haven't gotten around to making myself sit down and write it:
my oldest spawn is a typical preteen kid: he's moody. you never really know what he's thinking. and sometimes he flat out shocks the hell out of me.
the other day he was acting all strange and holden caulfield on me (or more so than normal anyway). i finally was able to get him to talk to me a bit- it went something like: "if you don't tell me what's going on, i'm going to dead leg you so hard you'll need a walker at graduation." so, he talked. smart choice. he goes through these phases of i don't want to be at moms house, or i don't want to be at dads house (generally based on whomever made him do more chores the previous week is the house he wants to avoid). typical split home kid...work the situation so it works best for you...this time around it happened to be an "i don't want to go to my dad house." normally i wouldn't think too much about it but recently his dad had to take a second job and their time together has been little and far between...so it seemed odd that the spawn would be willing to give ANY of it up, regardless of the chore situation. so i pushed it.
me: WHY don't you want to go to your dads house?
him: i just DON'T
me: WHY
him: MOM. i just don't
me: dead leg much?
him: MOM. he smokes pot!
me: so? he has since high school. you've know he does for a few years...you told me about this a LONG time ago. why the sudden issue?
him: because i can't hang out with a drug addict mom!
me: (trying to keep a straight face) a drug addict?
him: yeah. he smokes pot like, all the time. he's a drug addict.
me: ok. i understand that. i think if you really feel this way you need to let him know.
**pause for a bad parenting moment: i pulled this line out of the bag thinking it would be a non issue. thinking it would just end the conversation so i could go off and laugh my ass off about how he made his dad sound like the head of the mexican drug cartel or something just for smoking a little pot. like some dark, scary, corrupt drug underworld had suddenly taken over his dad's suburban cul-de-sac cookie cutter home. unpause**
him: really? do i have to tell him?
me: if it really bothers you this much then yeah, i think you should talk to him about it. he deserves to know why you don't want to hang out at his house. and i can't tell him your feelings...you need to tell him your feelings.
him: but it will be really hard!
me: you're absolutely right. it will be the hardest thing you've ever had to do. but if it's important to you would it be worth it?
so he walks away for a few minutes then comes back. and asks to borrow my phone.
AND. CALLED. HIS. DAD.
let that sink in. my ELEVEN YEAR OLD called his dad and talked to him about how smoking pot was an issue. which meant telling his dad he knew about the pot. and standing up to his dad for what he believed was something wrong. ELEVEN. can you even imagine? i've had to have the drug conversation with someone twice. one was a pot smoker that liked to play baseball with my kids while stoned. the other was an oxy addict that thought it was okay to have his "just in case" stash on him while he was at my house ("i don't NEED them, i just like to have them in case i get stressed out or upset about something." whatever.). both were a HELL NO for me. but i was in my twenties. and neither one was a parent.
can you imagine? my eleven year old called his dad out. i was SO PROUD of him in that moment. i didn't agree with him. but i was SO PROUD of him for having his opinion and being willing to stand up for it.
so. he got off the phone with his dad and i hugged him for approximately the next 3954 hours (did i mention i was proud of him??) then waited for the phone call back from his dad to ask that the eff that was all about. eventually spawn went off to bed and his dad DID call. i explained to him that i didn't agree but thought it was important to let him express his opinion. i told him not to freak out about it, i would talk to the spawn more in the morning about it. but we were both amazed that he did it.
the next morning the spawn and i did talk more about it and i explained my opinion of it and why some people use it. we talked about how for some people it helps them be able to calm down and turn their brain off which was something he could relate to being an over thinker like me. we talked about how it helps sick people with cancer or different diseases. how it can be legal in washington with a prescription. how it can be safer for some people than being put on other medications. i explained to him that i have tried it before because the medications the doctors had me try for depression/stress were too dangerous for me but i don't smoke pot because it could get me fired from my job. i explained that it is a "safe" drug. it is NOT a meth or cocaine or heroin. i explained that i don't agree with when his dad started smoking (high school) but i can certainly understand why he smokes now with all the stress of the last year. we talked about other friends that smoke and why- war veterans with PTSD, chronic pain, over thinkers. we talked about how it isn't safe for kids to smoke pot because it their bodies haven't finished developing yet and they don't know how it will affect them. i tried to cover every different angle on it i could and let him know that i was very glad he had thought about it and had his opinion on it and had talked to his dad. i told him how proud i was of him again. if he can talk to his dad about it then talking to friends at school about it will be CAKE. if he could tell his dad he thought it was wrong then peer pressure should be nothing!
after we finished talking he thought about it more and called his dad again that night and talked more to him about it too (and went and spent the evening/night with his dad).
but the whole thing just SHOCKED me. can you imagine? taking a stand like that at ELEVEN? holy crap. when the cards are down...that's a pretty damn good kid right there. he's turning out well in spite of me! there may be hope for him yet!
my oldest spawn is a typical preteen kid: he's moody. you never really know what he's thinking. and sometimes he flat out shocks the hell out of me.
the other day he was acting all strange and holden caulfield on me (or more so than normal anyway). i finally was able to get him to talk to me a bit- it went something like: "if you don't tell me what's going on, i'm going to dead leg you so hard you'll need a walker at graduation." so, he talked. smart choice. he goes through these phases of i don't want to be at moms house, or i don't want to be at dads house (generally based on whomever made him do more chores the previous week is the house he wants to avoid). typical split home kid...work the situation so it works best for you...this time around it happened to be an "i don't want to go to my dad house." normally i wouldn't think too much about it but recently his dad had to take a second job and their time together has been little and far between...so it seemed odd that the spawn would be willing to give ANY of it up, regardless of the chore situation. so i pushed it.
me: WHY don't you want to go to your dads house?
him: i just DON'T
me: WHY
him: MOM. i just don't
me: dead leg much?
him: MOM. he smokes pot!
me: so? he has since high school. you've know he does for a few years...you told me about this a LONG time ago. why the sudden issue?
him: because i can't hang out with a drug addict mom!
me: (trying to keep a straight face) a drug addict?
him: yeah. he smokes pot like, all the time. he's a drug addict.
me: ok. i understand that. i think if you really feel this way you need to let him know.
**pause for a bad parenting moment: i pulled this line out of the bag thinking it would be a non issue. thinking it would just end the conversation so i could go off and laugh my ass off about how he made his dad sound like the head of the mexican drug cartel or something just for smoking a little pot. like some dark, scary, corrupt drug underworld had suddenly taken over his dad's suburban cul-de-sac cookie cutter home. unpause**
him: really? do i have to tell him?
me: if it really bothers you this much then yeah, i think you should talk to him about it. he deserves to know why you don't want to hang out at his house. and i can't tell him your feelings...you need to tell him your feelings.
him: but it will be really hard!
me: you're absolutely right. it will be the hardest thing you've ever had to do. but if it's important to you would it be worth it?
so he walks away for a few minutes then comes back. and asks to borrow my phone.
AND. CALLED. HIS. DAD.
let that sink in. my ELEVEN YEAR OLD called his dad and talked to him about how smoking pot was an issue. which meant telling his dad he knew about the pot. and standing up to his dad for what he believed was something wrong. ELEVEN. can you even imagine? i've had to have the drug conversation with someone twice. one was a pot smoker that liked to play baseball with my kids while stoned. the other was an oxy addict that thought it was okay to have his "just in case" stash on him while he was at my house ("i don't NEED them, i just like to have them in case i get stressed out or upset about something." whatever.). both were a HELL NO for me. but i was in my twenties. and neither one was a parent.
can you imagine? my eleven year old called his dad out. i was SO PROUD of him in that moment. i didn't agree with him. but i was SO PROUD of him for having his opinion and being willing to stand up for it.
so. he got off the phone with his dad and i hugged him for approximately the next 3954 hours (did i mention i was proud of him??) then waited for the phone call back from his dad to ask that the eff that was all about. eventually spawn went off to bed and his dad DID call. i explained to him that i didn't agree but thought it was important to let him express his opinion. i told him not to freak out about it, i would talk to the spawn more in the morning about it. but we were both amazed that he did it.
the next morning the spawn and i did talk more about it and i explained my opinion of it and why some people use it. we talked about how for some people it helps them be able to calm down and turn their brain off which was something he could relate to being an over thinker like me. we talked about how it helps sick people with cancer or different diseases. how it can be legal in washington with a prescription. how it can be safer for some people than being put on other medications. i explained to him that i have tried it before because the medications the doctors had me try for depression/stress were too dangerous for me but i don't smoke pot because it could get me fired from my job. i explained that it is a "safe" drug. it is NOT a meth or cocaine or heroin. i explained that i don't agree with when his dad started smoking (high school) but i can certainly understand why he smokes now with all the stress of the last year. we talked about other friends that smoke and why- war veterans with PTSD, chronic pain, over thinkers. we talked about how it isn't safe for kids to smoke pot because it their bodies haven't finished developing yet and they don't know how it will affect them. i tried to cover every different angle on it i could and let him know that i was very glad he had thought about it and had his opinion on it and had talked to his dad. i told him how proud i was of him again. if he can talk to his dad about it then talking to friends at school about it will be CAKE. if he could tell his dad he thought it was wrong then peer pressure should be nothing!
after we finished talking he thought about it more and called his dad again that night and talked more to him about it too (and went and spent the evening/night with his dad).
but the whole thing just SHOCKED me. can you imagine? taking a stand like that at ELEVEN? holy crap. when the cards are down...that's a pretty damn good kid right there. he's turning out well in spite of me! there may be hope for him yet!
thank you captain obvious
so. i'm trying to learn.
it's okay to feel things. without blaming something/having an excuse.
it's okay to be sad and cry without saying it's pms.
it's okay to be upset about things and explore why instead of just trying to make it go away.
it's okay to be depressed and hurt and sad and heartbroken without creating a joke to cover it up.
crying doesn't mean i'm weak or being a drama queen or overly emotional. it means i'm a person. and i'm allowing myself to BE a person.
today was a hard day for no reason in particular. and part of the way through the day i just wanted to have a good cry but i kept talking myself out of it and blaming pms and telling myself to knock it off. then i finally stopped and asked myself why it's so wrong to just cry it out sometimes. why is it so bad to allow myself that moment? and just ALLOW it. don't try to make an excuse. don't try to make a joke. don't try to rush it along. just allow it. just be there. in that moment. let my heart and my mind go through that. let my spirit purge and heal.
and so i did. i let myself have that moment. i put in my mp3 ear buds and bawled my way through taking off my make up and washing my face and brushing my teeth. i'm letting myself feel it while i'm writing this. i'm not making an excuse. i'm just feeling.
it's odd for me. and it's scary. and i honestly don't like it. it seems like once you get started ALL of it wants to come out at once which is feeling like a LOT too much for one night. it's been hard typing this because i keep wanting to joke or be bitchy or cover up my exposed part. i think the hardest part is makes me feel the gap of not having someone to share all this with. which is getting harder every day. maybe it's because its spring time and everyone around me is coupling off. maybe it's because my youngest spawn will be 7 on friday which means it's been over 6 years since i was part of a "we" (as short lived as even that was). i just know that as much as i've said it before, it feels so much more this time around. maybe it's simply because i'm actually learning to let myself feel.
it's okay to feel things. without blaming something/having an excuse.
it's okay to be sad and cry without saying it's pms.
it's okay to be upset about things and explore why instead of just trying to make it go away.
it's okay to be depressed and hurt and sad and heartbroken without creating a joke to cover it up.
crying doesn't mean i'm weak or being a drama queen or overly emotional. it means i'm a person. and i'm allowing myself to BE a person.
today was a hard day for no reason in particular. and part of the way through the day i just wanted to have a good cry but i kept talking myself out of it and blaming pms and telling myself to knock it off. then i finally stopped and asked myself why it's so wrong to just cry it out sometimes. why is it so bad to allow myself that moment? and just ALLOW it. don't try to make an excuse. don't try to make a joke. don't try to rush it along. just allow it. just be there. in that moment. let my heart and my mind go through that. let my spirit purge and heal.
and so i did. i let myself have that moment. i put in my mp3 ear buds and bawled my way through taking off my make up and washing my face and brushing my teeth. i'm letting myself feel it while i'm writing this. i'm not making an excuse. i'm just feeling.
it's odd for me. and it's scary. and i honestly don't like it. it seems like once you get started ALL of it wants to come out at once which is feeling like a LOT too much for one night. it's been hard typing this because i keep wanting to joke or be bitchy or cover up my exposed part. i think the hardest part is makes me feel the gap of not having someone to share all this with. which is getting harder every day. maybe it's because its spring time and everyone around me is coupling off. maybe it's because my youngest spawn will be 7 on friday which means it's been over 6 years since i was part of a "we" (as short lived as even that was). i just know that as much as i've said it before, it feels so much more this time around. maybe it's simply because i'm actually learning to let myself feel.
Friday, February 26, 2010
survivors guilt
it seems that more and more tragic events are hitting. a dear friend suffered a devastating blow this week. another had an incredibly close call. maybe it’s simply part of becoming a grown up (in which case i wish i call dibs on playing peter pan FOREVER). maybe it’s simply my time in the karmic cycle of crap. either way, there’s a side effect that i’ve know about, and written about for YEARS, but until today i’ve never put a name to it or really understood what it might be.
a week or so ago i discovered some old journals and read through them. it was something i could have written last week, not 7 years ago. even older journal said the same question over and over: WHY ME? and not why me as in the sad panda, tragic, sad story, why does everything happen to me. but why me as in why did i make it out the other side of the tunnel? what preserved me and let me make it through? what is my greater purpose that’s keeping me on this shit pile we call earth? why hasn’t my cosmic timer dinged yet? i’ve asked the same question over and over. i’ve written about it. and today i researched it a bit- in a twisted, fucked up way (but of course, it is me after all…) i think it’s a form of survivors guilt.
i had a kid at 17. i still graduated high school and went on to graduate from a four year college with an advanced degree. WHY? what made me so different from the other 98% of teem moms that drop out of school to never return? what made me so special that the doors opened up (full ride scholarship) and opportunities were thrown in front of me? what made me decide to take those opportunities?
in the same line- i had a kid at 17. it was an easy, text book pregnancy. delivery was less than text book, but we both made it out healthy with no worries or problems. WHY ME? why was it so easy for me to get knocked up (not even kidding…first time out of the gate kids)? why did i have such an easy unplanned pregnancy when other people have been sick or concerned or worried through the whole nine months? why did i get knocked up the first shot when others have tried for years and done things in the right order (aka not being 17 and single and in high school). why did i get knocked up right away with BOTH my kids when people like my SIL had to suffer through several miscarriages? what made my uterus so magical and fertile? why were mine so healthy and boring when others barely (or not at all) make it through?
what made me be able to walk away from an abusive marriage in one piece when others can not and have not made it out? what made it so easy for me to get an incredible job that i’m still at 10 years later? why have other friends had such a hard time getting good work and i just fell into mine? what has kept me (knock on wood) in such good health over the years when other people have had to battle through cancer, sickness, health problems? what has allowed me to be successful in life where i can support my family on one income when so many others are barely scraping by on two? what has moved me to this point in my life?
some of it is just my own damn hard work. some of it is luck. some of it is genetics. i’d have to say all those combined together equal about 5% of why i am where i am today. the other 95% is that there is some greater cosmic purpose to my life. BUT I CAN’T FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT. there is a reason i had my son early. there is a reason i stayed in school. there is a reason my health and well being has been preserved. i believe i am mean for something. my kids are meant for something. we have something that is yet to be accomplished in this life. but yet knowing that doesn’t erase the guilt. that doesn’t make me feel any better about making it this far. it makes me feel bad that other people completed their purpose early on. it makes me feel guilty that i haven’t figured mine out yet. ok. pause for a moment. i call bullshit on what i just said. i DON’T think everyone gets to complete their purpose. i look at all the missing people around and i can’t see their purpose. i can’t see what they accomplished or did to deserve to be taken this early. they didn’t get their full time here. how can an infant that has never drawn a breath have completed his time here? how can a precious helluva fighter 8 month old baby girl have done all she was born to do? how could either of the mothers lost at the same time have accomplished what they were here to do? it’s BULLSHIT. there is no reason for their leaving. which makes it even harder to be left behind. they were both amazing women. both perfectly innocent children. what made them be taken before me- the fuck up? what justice is there in that?
there’s just SO MUCH anger and guilt. i want to know why. i want to know why i’ve been left here and why i’ve made it. why have i been spared? what is my greater purpose? what am i here to do? how can i earn my spot in this small patch of universe?
if anyone has the answers…
a week or so ago i discovered some old journals and read through them. it was something i could have written last week, not 7 years ago. even older journal said the same question over and over: WHY ME? and not why me as in the sad panda, tragic, sad story, why does everything happen to me. but why me as in why did i make it out the other side of the tunnel? what preserved me and let me make it through? what is my greater purpose that’s keeping me on this shit pile we call earth? why hasn’t my cosmic timer dinged yet? i’ve asked the same question over and over. i’ve written about it. and today i researched it a bit- in a twisted, fucked up way (but of course, it is me after all…) i think it’s a form of survivors guilt.
i had a kid at 17. i still graduated high school and went on to graduate from a four year college with an advanced degree. WHY? what made me so different from the other 98% of teem moms that drop out of school to never return? what made me so special that the doors opened up (full ride scholarship) and opportunities were thrown in front of me? what made me decide to take those opportunities?
in the same line- i had a kid at 17. it was an easy, text book pregnancy. delivery was less than text book, but we both made it out healthy with no worries or problems. WHY ME? why was it so easy for me to get knocked up (not even kidding…first time out of the gate kids)? why did i have such an easy unplanned pregnancy when other people have been sick or concerned or worried through the whole nine months? why did i get knocked up the first shot when others have tried for years and done things in the right order (aka not being 17 and single and in high school). why did i get knocked up right away with BOTH my kids when people like my SIL had to suffer through several miscarriages? what made my uterus so magical and fertile? why were mine so healthy and boring when others barely (or not at all) make it through?
what made me be able to walk away from an abusive marriage in one piece when others can not and have not made it out? what made it so easy for me to get an incredible job that i’m still at 10 years later? why have other friends had such a hard time getting good work and i just fell into mine? what has kept me (knock on wood) in such good health over the years when other people have had to battle through cancer, sickness, health problems? what has allowed me to be successful in life where i can support my family on one income when so many others are barely scraping by on two? what has moved me to this point in my life?
some of it is just my own damn hard work. some of it is luck. some of it is genetics. i’d have to say all those combined together equal about 5% of why i am where i am today. the other 95% is that there is some greater cosmic purpose to my life. BUT I CAN’T FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT. there is a reason i had my son early. there is a reason i stayed in school. there is a reason my health and well being has been preserved. i believe i am mean for something. my kids are meant for something. we have something that is yet to be accomplished in this life. but yet knowing that doesn’t erase the guilt. that doesn’t make me feel any better about making it this far. it makes me feel bad that other people completed their purpose early on. it makes me feel guilty that i haven’t figured mine out yet. ok. pause for a moment. i call bullshit on what i just said. i DON’T think everyone gets to complete their purpose. i look at all the missing people around and i can’t see their purpose. i can’t see what they accomplished or did to deserve to be taken this early. they didn’t get their full time here. how can an infant that has never drawn a breath have completed his time here? how can a precious helluva fighter 8 month old baby girl have done all she was born to do? how could either of the mothers lost at the same time have accomplished what they were here to do? it’s BULLSHIT. there is no reason for their leaving. which makes it even harder to be left behind. they were both amazing women. both perfectly innocent children. what made them be taken before me- the fuck up? what justice is there in that?
there’s just SO MUCH anger and guilt. i want to know why. i want to know why i’ve been left here and why i’ve made it. why have i been spared? what is my greater purpose? what am i here to do? how can i earn my spot in this small patch of universe?
if anyone has the answers…
Monday, February 15, 2010
disney movies...from my perspective:
ok kids. the olympics are on, so its time for reruns...i originally wrote these blogs back in 2006...just a while ago...so they'll probably be new to almost all of you. i did a set of three blogs on disney movies- my take on them anyway. the blogs, as they are, are not "original"...they've been cleaned up and edited a bit due to time lapse and a surprising lack of editing the first time around. i've also combined them into one post. finally, the original blogs had pictures...but i'm too lazy to look them all up again, you you have to suffer with just text. i'm sure you'll get over it. ***warning: just got done combining them and it gets LONG. if you want to read it all at once, clear a little time...guess there's a reason it was three blogs to start***
1st up was DUMBO: bought this movie for my kids but then while watching it with them wondering if that was such a smart move. dumbo really IS NOT a kids movie! lesson #1 for parents: never EVER defend your kids: you'll be thrown in jail forever. that poor mother! everyone was hashing on her brand new baby and she tried to stick up for him and BAM. jail. locked up. poked with sticks. made fun of by obnoxious children. just let your kids get trashed on instead. teaches them character anyway, right? lesson #2 for everyone: don't drink with clowns. i knew they were freaky bastards to start out with, but really...what they hell were they drinking? and have you ever noticed how much they were drinking? i mean, really...whatever it was they were drinking was enough to get a fucking elephant toasted! enough for said elephant to end up in a tree! and an elephant weighs, what, close to three times most humans? and those clowns couldn't get enough! those are some sick freaks with some seriously damaged livers! i knew i hated clowns for a reason! lesson #3 for parents: exploit your children. when they hit it big because of some freak talent they discover during a drunken binge you can laugh at all the other people and get the best car on the train. become instantly famous off your kids and milk it for all it's worth!
next up: PINOCCHIO: what's wrong with pinocchio? cute little wooden boy just wants to be a real boy, fucks up a few times along the way, happy ending with the little family all back together...awwww...warm and fuzzy...then you look back at the beginning: creepy old toy maker wants a little boy of his own. i mean REALLY creepy old guy. little tiny dark shop on a back street that you never seen anyone in but him. he creates a little boy, and the first thing he does? tucks the kid in bed with himself. does that freak anyone else out? did they have sex offender lists back then? i would have run away the first day too if i was that little puppet. who knows what happened that first night! keep runnin kid...the whale may have been the best option! finally: don't trust anyone with "honest" in their name...chances are they aren't what they say they are. uh huh, that's right, captian obvious reminded me of that one. i mean really- if some talking animal tells you his name is honest john, don't waste time talking back to him, just pack his ass up and sell him to the zoo...talking animals go for quite a bit i hear...
next on the hit list: ROBIN HOOD. could be one of my favorite kids movies. great lessons: lesson number one: it's okay to steal whatever you want as long as it's from an asshole that sucks his thumb: cold hard cash, jewelry, solid gold hubcaps...take it all as long as the guy is a jerk and whines like a little baby. lesson number two: you can get away with any crime as long as you marry into the right family. all the theft mentioned above plus breaking and entering, impersonating an officer, assault on an officer, prison break...yeah, got away with it all by marrying the kings sister. GOOD MOVE. which makes me wonder...why aren't there ever any first sons? there are tons of presidential daughters that make the news, where's all the boys at? until they legalize gay marriage, i'm screwed on the pardon issue. damn. anywho, on to lesson number three: you can pull off lesson number one and two only if you're HOT. i will totally confess right here: i have a lil crush on ol' rob. great shirt tucked in just right, always well groomed even though he lives in the woods, in great physical shape (let's see you climb a castle wall with no hand grips!), always helping someone, and knows how to treat a lady right- flowers, kissing the hand, he's a regular charmer! smooth talker, fast thinker, can get out of any scrape...you notice little john never got the chick...just sayin is all...
moving on...after a moment...mmmmm...robin hood....HOT.
ok. moving on: POCAHONTAS: there's some great history lessons in this one...namely: history lesson number one: you can do whatever you want, and no one will know the truth once it's out on disney. seriously. disney will cut out the gruesome parts, throw in a few cute and cuddly woodland creatures, have a few celebrities record a sound track, and you. are. golden! disney did such a wonderful mop up job on this one. one of the worst tragedy's in american history came out sparkling cute and clean. forget the rape and mass murder and stealing of land. we'll just edit that part out, change it to a love story...throw in a cheeky raccoon and BAM. whole new american history. bright and shiny. imagine what they could do with a few others: the holocaust...throw in a couple singing german shepards, maybe a singing nun with a few unruly children here and there, cut out all the starvation, oppression, entire generation being descimated, death camps (maybe make them a "summer camp" and presto...disney quality movie. why not redo vietnam? add a few cute monkeys swinging from tropical trees in a lush green jungle, replace all the soldiers with the plastic soldiers from toy story, and don't forget how "in" camo is right now, costumes will be a smashing success, record a song or two with a good "jungle beat", , and there you go, kid friendly disney movie with outfits everyone will just have to have. marketing success and spit shined history all in one. SHA BAM.
**this was a break in the original blog. next was titled: what i learned from disney women**
first up: SLEEPING BEAUTY: where do you start with this one? i think that bitch got what she deserved...okay, maybe not what she deserved, but her parents were elitist assholes and got what they deserved! that poor "witch"! how would you feel if you were the ONLY person not invited to the baby shower? just because she's a middle aged single woman with no children of her own is no reason to call her a witch! i think she was the smartest one there! plus, she was probably just pissed off...changes are she was dating the king before his wife swooped in and stole him or something like that. they never show the back story. maybe she was just different than the rest of them...didn't want to be a soccer mom with a crappy sweater-set. i mean she was HOT!! why give that up just to fit in with all the other royalty? whatever the case, she should NOT have been neglected from the invite list. i would have been mad too. maybe arurora's parent should have paid a little more attention to miss manners. would it have really killed them just send an invite? for all they knew she could have had a previous engagement and not been able to make it...but no, they had to piss her off and then look what happened! you know the saying about a woman scorned, right? as to aruora herself...that bitch had it fucking easy. not one day of manual labor in her entire life. the one time she even gets close to doing something domestic she has to sleep it off for a hundred years...and you KNOW she played on that for the rest of her marriage to that poor sap: "honey, can you do the dishes tonight? remember what happened last time i tried to work..." and i'm sure she wasn't a beauty for very long...once the fairy magic wore off i bet it was a completely different story. i mean really, it took three fairies with magic wands to get her ready for the party. i'm SO not going to stress about taking five minutes in the morning by myself anymore. i mean three fairies...that's just two short of queer eye, and those boys don't even have magic wands! also important to remember, if he's really a prince, a little morning breath every now and again won't really matter. can you imagine one hundred years of morning breath? and he had to kiss her good enough to wake her lazy ass up!
CINDERELLA: blondes really do have more fun, don't they? the prince didn't even look at any of the other girls at the ball. the minute that fake bottle blonde walked in to the party he was in it head over heels (maybe just one glass heel...). what i want to know is what really happened that night? why was he so intent on finding her after just one dance and a little patio time? did she jack his wallet while they were dancing? was there a little more to that patio time than they showed? did he get a bad blood screen back after that night? i have a REALLY hard time believing a guy would go through all that trouble, out searching all night just to return a shoe. and lets not forget that she's another one of those girls that it took a fairy godmother with some heavy magic to get her ready for the party...and even with all that heavy magic it lasted what, four, five hours?? if that? lets see...i'm guessing the dance started around 8, add an hour for her to make her "fashionably late" entrance...puts her there at 9...DAMN...three hours for that magic to wear off. ha ha bitch...my fucking maybelline lasts all day! suck that! and just i have to say i'm on the side of the stepsisters when it comes to the whole dress thing. now i've never had sisters myself, but from what i hear swiping things from each others closet without asking is a serious offense...you just don't go there. and then to wear it right in front of them with the intent of stealing the guy they're crushing on...that's fucked up!! i say they let her off easy! a broken leg or two would have kept her home for the night!
SNOW WHITE: now, i will give this girl props: it didn't take a team of magic wands to get her all prettied up. she was the fairest one of all just by nature (although someone really should have warned her about using red of a lipstick with pale skin. i'm just sayin is all...). so her step-mom gets jealous and tries to kill her. i feel for ya sister...been there, done that (well, not the try and kill part, but my step mom was horrible too). chick runs away from home- good thinking, get out of the situation. but then what does she do? moves in with seven strange men (strange in the fact that she didnt know them). not only that, the FIRST seven men she runs across. doesn't even attempt to go it on her own. one of those chicks that always has to be with someone. lame. at least she worked for her keep...she wasn't a freeloading guest. not so great, but better than the others so far. but then the truth comes out: she's freaking anorexic. no wonder she's all willowy and slender with such pale skin. she was starving herself the whole time. when she did eat, she only ate one tiny bite of an apple. she didn't choke. she fucking passed out from lack of food. you know if she'd a bite of a big ol greasy burger once in a while none of the whole "oh...i'm dead" drama would have happened. and really, who takes fruit from some creepy old lady wandering around in the woods? shouldn't there have been a little warning bell going off? hmm...creepy old lady, wandering around the woods with obvious dementia, offering fruit that heaven only knows how old it is or where it's been...plus, it's fruit (don't even get me started on how evil fruit is). that's what you get for being all ohhh...i can only take a small bite of fruit. like those fucking bitches that go out to dinner to only order a leaf of lettuce and a glass of ice water. fuck you. eat some real food. if she'd been eating properly you know she would have just finished eating breakfast and not been starving- craving some form of food enough to make her take the apple. just like i say about all the models out there...if they'd just eat a cheeseburger we'd all be happier!! and how "heroic" was that prince anyway? just the first guy that happened along and had a glucose pack on him or whatever. can you imagine the brain damage after not being passed out that long? and i'm sure she wasn't smelling all that great after being stuffed in a glass box out in the woods for however long it took for that guy to show up.
movin' on: LADY AND THE TRAMP: just goes to show you that we all need our bad-boy fix or have to go see what's on the "other side of the tracks" at some point in our lives. and yes, some of us are unlucky enough to get "caught" when we cross paths with the scoundrel. it can even happen to the prissiest, most cultured, park avenue chicks too. at least lady was lucky enough though to rope (guilt) her tramp into sticking around and taking responsibility for his actions. this movie was great for the premarital sex debate. and in a disney movie to boot. hell yes you should test drive that tramp before you lock him up forever! at least they did attempt to scare young girls with the threat of getting knocked up and having to bear the shame and whispers of the other people know what's going on. tried to make it seem like a bad thing for a moment. it was funny how they threw in the sacrificial marriage proposal to make it better (even though he was really old and creepy and we knew she wouldn't go for it). also as a lesson: lady's people didn't kick her out of the house when they found out she was all knocked up. they were really cool about it...doesn't always end badly. finally, just a tip to prego people (or people with new babies): don't ignore your old friends...otherwise they'll get jealous and have to run out and get knocked up with the first tramp they can find just to get a little sympathy and attention. this whole thing could have been avoided if jim and darling had just paid a little more attention when the brat came on scene.
**almost done, hang in there. part three was shorter. here it is. oh...and also...prepare for a shift...part three was GOOD things about disney...seriously...GOOD things. i know. i still can't believe i did a post like that**
first happy movie: FOX AND THE HOUND: besides being absolutely in love with the two main characters (how can you not smile when you hear: "my name's copper, i'm a houng dog awoo woo woo") this is one of my favorite movies because of the simple lesson that it teaches: two completely opposite characters that are supposed to hate each other just because "that's how it is" turn out to be best friends. copper is not only supposed to HATE todd, he's supposed to hunt him down and kill him. happily, friendship prevails and these two stick it out even though everything is against them. guess it just makes me think about me and my small little circle of friends: some of us couldn't be more different when it comes to politics, religion, "look", upbringing- you name it we're different. but we still found enough common thread to be friends. i was raised to be an uuber religious, completely conservative republican (have fortunately overcome most of that). i have had to learn that there's a whole world of amazing people out there and if you hate them all just because "that's the way it is" then you're missing out on SO much. hopefully my kids will learn acceptance and tolerance from me and have a whole array of friends and people to enrich their time here, not just a small elite circle.
LION KING: real simple: listen to the crazy one. sometimes the craziest one is the one who has the best grip on things and really knows what's up.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: a couple from this one: number 1: SMART GIRLS ARE HOT!! you can read books can still be damn sexy and fall in love and end up with a prince! number 2: it's never okay to be bullied or yelled at. a girl that can stand up for herself and refuse to be treated that way. major kudos to belle for standing up to a fucking ginormous raging beast that was all up on it, yelling and screaming at her, chucking her dad out of the castle, trying to tell her what to do. that took major moxy! belle has some major balls! respect is everything, if he doesn't give it to you gals get the fuck out! it may be scary as hell out in the wild woods, but it will end up well!
JUNGLE BOOK: goes back to one of those old cheesy quotes that we've all heard: dance like no one is watching. baloo gets his groove on no matter what's going on. and he's the happiest one in the whole story! just goes to show that it doesn't matter what size you are, put on that grass skirt and coconuts and shake it if ya got it! if you're comfortable with yourself, and the music is rockin, get off your ass and shake it!! never take life too seriously, let the music completely take you over once in a while. you do still have to remember that serious side that's out there and pay attention to it. we all need a bagheera to balance out our baloo, but we NEED BOTH. life is about balance. find a friend, a partner, whomever it is that completes you and help each other out!
one final one: PETER PAN: i am SO on tinkerbell's side in the whole wendy vs tink issue. that poor little pixy has put up with peter's "i'm not ready to grow up and be responsible" bullshit for how long? she sat around patiently waiting for him to finally pull his head out of his ass and realize what's waiting right in front of him, then out of no where this wendy bitch pops up and suddenly peter is all ooo...look at me, i'm a grown up and i'm in charge of all these lost boys, and just watch me protect/save everyone. WHATEVS. tink put in all that time and patience waiting just to have some bitch steal him out from right under her. we've all had that guys that keep saying he's "just not ready for a commitment". what happens? as soon as you get sick of his little boy act he runs out and marries the next bitch that comes along. i think tink was too fucking easy on wendy. i'm waiting for the celebrity death match showdown between those two...
**okay. that's all of them. aren't you glad you stuck around to the end? yeah...sorry about that. you can hate me now.**
1st up was DUMBO: bought this movie for my kids but then while watching it with them wondering if that was such a smart move. dumbo really IS NOT a kids movie! lesson #1 for parents: never EVER defend your kids: you'll be thrown in jail forever. that poor mother! everyone was hashing on her brand new baby and she tried to stick up for him and BAM. jail. locked up. poked with sticks. made fun of by obnoxious children. just let your kids get trashed on instead. teaches them character anyway, right? lesson #2 for everyone: don't drink with clowns. i knew they were freaky bastards to start out with, but really...what they hell were they drinking? and have you ever noticed how much they were drinking? i mean, really...whatever it was they were drinking was enough to get a fucking elephant toasted! enough for said elephant to end up in a tree! and an elephant weighs, what, close to three times most humans? and those clowns couldn't get enough! those are some sick freaks with some seriously damaged livers! i knew i hated clowns for a reason! lesson #3 for parents: exploit your children. when they hit it big because of some freak talent they discover during a drunken binge you can laugh at all the other people and get the best car on the train. become instantly famous off your kids and milk it for all it's worth!
next up: PINOCCHIO: what's wrong with pinocchio? cute little wooden boy just wants to be a real boy, fucks up a few times along the way, happy ending with the little family all back together...awwww...warm and fuzzy...then you look back at the beginning: creepy old toy maker wants a little boy of his own. i mean REALLY creepy old guy. little tiny dark shop on a back street that you never seen anyone in but him. he creates a little boy, and the first thing he does? tucks the kid in bed with himself. does that freak anyone else out? did they have sex offender lists back then? i would have run away the first day too if i was that little puppet. who knows what happened that first night! keep runnin kid...the whale may have been the best option! finally: don't trust anyone with "honest" in their name...chances are they aren't what they say they are. uh huh, that's right, captian obvious reminded me of that one. i mean really- if some talking animal tells you his name is honest john, don't waste time talking back to him, just pack his ass up and sell him to the zoo...talking animals go for quite a bit i hear...
next on the hit list: ROBIN HOOD. could be one of my favorite kids movies. great lessons: lesson number one: it's okay to steal whatever you want as long as it's from an asshole that sucks his thumb: cold hard cash, jewelry, solid gold hubcaps...take it all as long as the guy is a jerk and whines like a little baby. lesson number two: you can get away with any crime as long as you marry into the right family. all the theft mentioned above plus breaking and entering, impersonating an officer, assault on an officer, prison break...yeah, got away with it all by marrying the kings sister. GOOD MOVE. which makes me wonder...why aren't there ever any first sons? there are tons of presidential daughters that make the news, where's all the boys at? until they legalize gay marriage, i'm screwed on the pardon issue. damn. anywho, on to lesson number three: you can pull off lesson number one and two only if you're HOT. i will totally confess right here: i have a lil crush on ol' rob. great shirt tucked in just right, always well groomed even though he lives in the woods, in great physical shape (let's see you climb a castle wall with no hand grips!), always helping someone, and knows how to treat a lady right- flowers, kissing the hand, he's a regular charmer! smooth talker, fast thinker, can get out of any scrape...you notice little john never got the chick...just sayin is all...
moving on...after a moment...mmmmm...robin hood....HOT.
ok. moving on: POCAHONTAS: there's some great history lessons in this one...namely: history lesson number one: you can do whatever you want, and no one will know the truth once it's out on disney. seriously. disney will cut out the gruesome parts, throw in a few cute and cuddly woodland creatures, have a few celebrities record a sound track, and you. are. golden! disney did such a wonderful mop up job on this one. one of the worst tragedy's in american history came out sparkling cute and clean. forget the rape and mass murder and stealing of land. we'll just edit that part out, change it to a love story...throw in a cheeky raccoon and BAM. whole new american history. bright and shiny. imagine what they could do with a few others: the holocaust...throw in a couple singing german shepards, maybe a singing nun with a few unruly children here and there, cut out all the starvation, oppression, entire generation being descimated, death camps (maybe make them a "summer camp" and presto...disney quality movie. why not redo vietnam? add a few cute monkeys swinging from tropical trees in a lush green jungle, replace all the soldiers with the plastic soldiers from toy story, and don't forget how "in" camo is right now, costumes will be a smashing success, record a song or two with a good "jungle beat", , and there you go, kid friendly disney movie with outfits everyone will just have to have. marketing success and spit shined history all in one. SHA BAM.
**this was a break in the original blog. next was titled: what i learned from disney women**
first up: SLEEPING BEAUTY: where do you start with this one? i think that bitch got what she deserved...okay, maybe not what she deserved, but her parents were elitist assholes and got what they deserved! that poor "witch"! how would you feel if you were the ONLY person not invited to the baby shower? just because she's a middle aged single woman with no children of her own is no reason to call her a witch! i think she was the smartest one there! plus, she was probably just pissed off...changes are she was dating the king before his wife swooped in and stole him or something like that. they never show the back story. maybe she was just different than the rest of them...didn't want to be a soccer mom with a crappy sweater-set. i mean she was HOT!! why give that up just to fit in with all the other royalty? whatever the case, she should NOT have been neglected from the invite list. i would have been mad too. maybe arurora's parent should have paid a little more attention to miss manners. would it have really killed them just send an invite? for all they knew she could have had a previous engagement and not been able to make it...but no, they had to piss her off and then look what happened! you know the saying about a woman scorned, right? as to aruora herself...that bitch had it fucking easy. not one day of manual labor in her entire life. the one time she even gets close to doing something domestic she has to sleep it off for a hundred years...and you KNOW she played on that for the rest of her marriage to that poor sap: "honey, can you do the dishes tonight? remember what happened last time i tried to work..." and i'm sure she wasn't a beauty for very long...once the fairy magic wore off i bet it was a completely different story. i mean really, it took three fairies with magic wands to get her ready for the party. i'm SO not going to stress about taking five minutes in the morning by myself anymore. i mean three fairies...that's just two short of queer eye, and those boys don't even have magic wands! also important to remember, if he's really a prince, a little morning breath every now and again won't really matter. can you imagine one hundred years of morning breath? and he had to kiss her good enough to wake her lazy ass up!
CINDERELLA: blondes really do have more fun, don't they? the prince didn't even look at any of the other girls at the ball. the minute that fake bottle blonde walked in to the party he was in it head over heels (maybe just one glass heel...). what i want to know is what really happened that night? why was he so intent on finding her after just one dance and a little patio time? did she jack his wallet while they were dancing? was there a little more to that patio time than they showed? did he get a bad blood screen back after that night? i have a REALLY hard time believing a guy would go through all that trouble, out searching all night just to return a shoe. and lets not forget that she's another one of those girls that it took a fairy godmother with some heavy magic to get her ready for the party...and even with all that heavy magic it lasted what, four, five hours?? if that? lets see...i'm guessing the dance started around 8, add an hour for her to make her "fashionably late" entrance...puts her there at 9...DAMN...three hours for that magic to wear off. ha ha bitch...my fucking maybelline lasts all day! suck that! and just i have to say i'm on the side of the stepsisters when it comes to the whole dress thing. now i've never had sisters myself, but from what i hear swiping things from each others closet without asking is a serious offense...you just don't go there. and then to wear it right in front of them with the intent of stealing the guy they're crushing on...that's fucked up!! i say they let her off easy! a broken leg or two would have kept her home for the night!
SNOW WHITE: now, i will give this girl props: it didn't take a team of magic wands to get her all prettied up. she was the fairest one of all just by nature (although someone really should have warned her about using red of a lipstick with pale skin. i'm just sayin is all...). so her step-mom gets jealous and tries to kill her. i feel for ya sister...been there, done that (well, not the try and kill part, but my step mom was horrible too). chick runs away from home- good thinking, get out of the situation. but then what does she do? moves in with seven strange men (strange in the fact that she didnt know them). not only that, the FIRST seven men she runs across. doesn't even attempt to go it on her own. one of those chicks that always has to be with someone. lame. at least she worked for her keep...she wasn't a freeloading guest. not so great, but better than the others so far. but then the truth comes out: she's freaking anorexic. no wonder she's all willowy and slender with such pale skin. she was starving herself the whole time. when she did eat, she only ate one tiny bite of an apple. she didn't choke. she fucking passed out from lack of food. you know if she'd a bite of a big ol greasy burger once in a while none of the whole "oh...i'm dead" drama would have happened. and really, who takes fruit from some creepy old lady wandering around in the woods? shouldn't there have been a little warning bell going off? hmm...creepy old lady, wandering around the woods with obvious dementia, offering fruit that heaven only knows how old it is or where it's been...plus, it's fruit (don't even get me started on how evil fruit is). that's what you get for being all ohhh...i can only take a small bite of fruit. like those fucking bitches that go out to dinner to only order a leaf of lettuce and a glass of ice water. fuck you. eat some real food. if she'd been eating properly you know she would have just finished eating breakfast and not been starving- craving some form of food enough to make her take the apple. just like i say about all the models out there...if they'd just eat a cheeseburger we'd all be happier!! and how "heroic" was that prince anyway? just the first guy that happened along and had a glucose pack on him or whatever. can you imagine the brain damage after not being passed out that long? and i'm sure she wasn't smelling all that great after being stuffed in a glass box out in the woods for however long it took for that guy to show up.
movin' on: LADY AND THE TRAMP: just goes to show you that we all need our bad-boy fix or have to go see what's on the "other side of the tracks" at some point in our lives. and yes, some of us are unlucky enough to get "caught" when we cross paths with the scoundrel. it can even happen to the prissiest, most cultured, park avenue chicks too. at least lady was lucky enough though to rope (guilt) her tramp into sticking around and taking responsibility for his actions. this movie was great for the premarital sex debate. and in a disney movie to boot. hell yes you should test drive that tramp before you lock him up forever! at least they did attempt to scare young girls with the threat of getting knocked up and having to bear the shame and whispers of the other people know what's going on. tried to make it seem like a bad thing for a moment. it was funny how they threw in the sacrificial marriage proposal to make it better (even though he was really old and creepy and we knew she wouldn't go for it). also as a lesson: lady's people didn't kick her out of the house when they found out she was all knocked up. they were really cool about it...doesn't always end badly. finally, just a tip to prego people (or people with new babies): don't ignore your old friends...otherwise they'll get jealous and have to run out and get knocked up with the first tramp they can find just to get a little sympathy and attention. this whole thing could have been avoided if jim and darling had just paid a little more attention when the brat came on scene.
**almost done, hang in there. part three was shorter. here it is. oh...and also...prepare for a shift...part three was GOOD things about disney...seriously...GOOD things. i know. i still can't believe i did a post like that**
first happy movie: FOX AND THE HOUND: besides being absolutely in love with the two main characters (how can you not smile when you hear: "my name's copper, i'm a houng dog awoo woo woo") this is one of my favorite movies because of the simple lesson that it teaches: two completely opposite characters that are supposed to hate each other just because "that's how it is" turn out to be best friends. copper is not only supposed to HATE todd, he's supposed to hunt him down and kill him. happily, friendship prevails and these two stick it out even though everything is against them. guess it just makes me think about me and my small little circle of friends: some of us couldn't be more different when it comes to politics, religion, "look", upbringing- you name it we're different. but we still found enough common thread to be friends. i was raised to be an uuber religious, completely conservative republican (have fortunately overcome most of that). i have had to learn that there's a whole world of amazing people out there and if you hate them all just because "that's the way it is" then you're missing out on SO much. hopefully my kids will learn acceptance and tolerance from me and have a whole array of friends and people to enrich their time here, not just a small elite circle.
LION KING: real simple: listen to the crazy one. sometimes the craziest one is the one who has the best grip on things and really knows what's up.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: a couple from this one: number 1: SMART GIRLS ARE HOT!! you can read books can still be damn sexy and fall in love and end up with a prince! number 2: it's never okay to be bullied or yelled at. a girl that can stand up for herself and refuse to be treated that way. major kudos to belle for standing up to a fucking ginormous raging beast that was all up on it, yelling and screaming at her, chucking her dad out of the castle, trying to tell her what to do. that took major moxy! belle has some major balls! respect is everything, if he doesn't give it to you gals get the fuck out! it may be scary as hell out in the wild woods, but it will end up well!
JUNGLE BOOK: goes back to one of those old cheesy quotes that we've all heard: dance like no one is watching. baloo gets his groove on no matter what's going on. and he's the happiest one in the whole story! just goes to show that it doesn't matter what size you are, put on that grass skirt and coconuts and shake it if ya got it! if you're comfortable with yourself, and the music is rockin, get off your ass and shake it!! never take life too seriously, let the music completely take you over once in a while. you do still have to remember that serious side that's out there and pay attention to it. we all need a bagheera to balance out our baloo, but we NEED BOTH. life is about balance. find a friend, a partner, whomever it is that completes you and help each other out!
one final one: PETER PAN: i am SO on tinkerbell's side in the whole wendy vs tink issue. that poor little pixy has put up with peter's "i'm not ready to grow up and be responsible" bullshit for how long? she sat around patiently waiting for him to finally pull his head out of his ass and realize what's waiting right in front of him, then out of no where this wendy bitch pops up and suddenly peter is all ooo...look at me, i'm a grown up and i'm in charge of all these lost boys, and just watch me protect/save everyone. WHATEVS. tink put in all that time and patience waiting just to have some bitch steal him out from right under her. we've all had that guys that keep saying he's "just not ready for a commitment". what happens? as soon as you get sick of his little boy act he runs out and marries the next bitch that comes along. i think tink was too fucking easy on wendy. i'm waiting for the celebrity death match showdown between those two...
**okay. that's all of them. aren't you glad you stuck around to the end? yeah...sorry about that. you can hate me now.**
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