distraction

it's been a few days since i've written anything again.

i've been WRITING. like, with a pen. i've been leaving myself stoner notes in my phone- there's some really great stoner theories i'm working on about the battle for success for women, the evolutionary advantages of the alpha male in the current business world, chicken scratch on religion, music, dreams, friendship, reincarnation- you know, the usual stoner thoughts.

but i haven't gone anywhere with them or done anything with them.

i've been distracted. the standard go to excuse for being good old fashioned lazy.

i've been distracted waiting to hear about a job interview (a week with no response is a pretty sure sign i didn't get it). i've been distracted watching friday night lights before it was removed from netflix (then i bought the dvd's so that's not a worry anymore). 

i've been distracted by thinking about how distracted i am.

all in all, i've been lazy. i'm drifting again. just when i think i get my bearings or a plan in place, something happens.

i get a solid weekly schedule laid out, meals planned, events lined out then the teenager gets sick and doesn't want to eat for a few days or he falls asleep as soon as we get home in the afternoon and it throws the schedule off. and, of course, as soon as there's one bump you may as well throw the whole plan away. it's the way of the distracted.

i used to have gumption. it still shows up on a rare occasion.

i used to spend 6 hours in the emergency room with a screaming toddler with an ear infection, scramble to find a babysitter and still make it to my college classes at 8am the next morning (and always on finals week. kid had amazing timing).

that went away somewhere.

sure there's still nights of staying out way too late and getting my ass to work ready and on time in the morning.

well, there were back when i still had a job to get to anyway. but not so much the last few months. i still manage to get the kid to school and picked up on time. so. that's something. but there's not much in the in-between.

jumping tracks- i think the single greatest benefit to waiting to have kids is the development of conflict resolution skills well before the teenage years. if you wait until you're, you know, not in high school to have kids you may have learned some skills out in the wilds of life. like how to deal with a messy roommate. how to live with someone that drives you insane without letting it ruin your day. how to not let arguments completely detail you. you may have a chance to learn about yourself and what triggers you have, how you react to things, how to personally deal with things. learning those in the middle of an argument is difficult at best.

the teenager went all out in an argument the other night. pulled up every, single, nasty thing he could think of and threw it at me. even threatened to get physical with me. and then doubled down the next day refusing to apologize because he's not going to apologize when he doesn't mean it.

i know why some animals eat their young. 

it's still bothering me, 2 days later. it bothers me that he can be so mean and callous and know EXACTLY what darts to throw and has PERFECT aim every. single. time. it bothers me that i let it bother me. it bothers me that he attacks weak spots that i regularly attack myself. TRUST ME, there's not a moment in the last 4 years that i haven't questioned my decision to have my oldest son move out. for the longest time i felt like i was giving up and what kind of a parent gives up when it's difficult. then i slowly realized i didn't give up, i asked for help, from his other parent. ISN'T THAT WHY THERE'S TWO PARENTS? to help each other? what weakness is there in asking for help from the other person whose job it is to help?

but, the teenager still likes to throw this at me. being a bad mom. giving up. sending his brother away. HE WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE YOU KNOW. getting beat up and locking himself in his room out of sheer terror WAS GOOD FOR HIM. IT TOUGHENED HIM UP. you know, years later, with plenty of distance and counseling and support. BUT IT TOUGHENED HIM UP. if i roll my eyes any harder they'll get stuck in the back of my head.

I KNOW I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE. i asked for help to protect BOTH my kids. it wasn't healthy or safe for ANY of us. if they choose to see it differently, i can't change that.

the younger one also likes to rip on me for cutting off my mom. HOW CAN YOU JUST GIVE UP ON PEOPLE? *sigh* it's not giving up. it's making a choice to love myself. it's choosing to protect myself and my family from abuse and injury. it's choosing not to expose my children to known monsters and damage.

i don't know where this train was headed. the tracks just wandered out into the desert and ran out.

I DO HAVE GOALS. i did finally turn in an application at a business i REALLY want to work for. i signed up for 2 writers workshops next weekend. i'm trying to convince myself to sign up for nanowrimo. well, maybe not the *actual* nanowrimo, but like an inktober for writing. an accountable challenge to write something every day.

you know, something small and manageable...like...you know...200 words a day...

because, you know...

*headdesk*