happy new year?

well. it's a new year and all that.

as with the last...too many...years, there's really not a great spin I can put on 2014.

january my kiddo moved out, june there was a slight melt down of mental status, november was perhaps the shittiest month on the books of all time, and here we are starting over again. i honestly can't remember any big hi-lights for the year- no major accomplishments, no major life changes, no major decisions or turning points. i dreadfully neglected reading and writing- my two core touchstones. i've been unusually snappy and grumpy (some is normal, more days than not is a bit much). i'm stuck in this angry cloud of depression and desire to change but inability to kick my own ass into gear which leads to more depression- you get the cycle.

and, perhaps, in true 2014 bland bullshit fashion, the final blow was reading my 2015 horoscope (you know those are NEVER wrong, ever) which said i'll be stuck in this funk and my "new year" won't start til august. blah blah blah healing and releasing a grudge bullshit mixed in, but my new year won't start until august 11.

THANKS 2014.

an extended 8 months of bland bullshit.

AWESOME.

what a great fucking start to the year.

SO.

this is where my rebel side starts to kick in.

FUCK YOU 2014. and FUCK YOU 2015 HOROSCOPE.

i don't want to be stuck this way for another 8 months. the last 12 almost did me in. more than once.

more than that: I REFUSE to be stuck this way another day.

i'm not one for resolutions. if i were, this list would be where i'd start.

i AM a person of lists though. and plans of action. i work best with an end goal and a map.

SO. here's my list and my end goal and my map:

list:
1. STOP HATING LIFE
2. start finding things to love about life.
3. be the obnoxious person that loves live SO MUCH it makes other people want to do that too.

plan of action:
1. stop hating myself: when i think of something negative write it down. dissect it. if it's valid find a fix. if it's invalid toss it.
2. list positive things DAILY: maybe even the trite writing on my mirror or post it notes where i can see them- whatever it takes to start infusing POSITIVE things.
3. get back to the core: reading, writing, creating.
4. to steal from nike: JUST DO IT. i've gotten incredibly lazy. i would rather sit and watch reruns on netflix than do...anything. dishes, laundry, exercise. i say i'll start being positive but never actually do it. i say i'll start writing again...after one more episode of scrubs. time to stop the bullshit, be an adult, and just DO THINGS. don't plan on taking the dog for a walk when the weather gets warmer. put on a fucking hat and gloves and go NOW. don't say i'll cook healthy meals after all the dishes are caught up: do the fucking dishes and cook the fucking healthy meal already. stop waiting for the "perfect writing environment" (like the first time i finished the office, or the second time i rearranged it, or the most recent time i bought a brand new writing desk that has yet to be used for writing). JUST FUCKING WRITE. 

map:
1. get a daily journal WITH WRITING PROMPTS since i use that as my main excuse to not write ("i can't think of anything to write about" BULLSHIT. excuse gone.).
2. look in the mirror every morning (you're there putting on make up anyway) and say things i like about me AND BELIEVE ME. that last part is the bitch of the process. how can i argue with myself and call myself a liar or think of all the exemptions to the statement? i do it all the time. own worst enemy and all that.
3. SELF CARE. vitamins. water. real food. friends. activities. shenannigans (there were far too few of those this year).

this isn't a new years resolution. it just happens to be starting now because i'm- i guess i'm finally fucking tired of waiting for the magic button to appear or the magic day on the calendar to pass or the magic whatever to finally happen.

it isn't magic: it's work.