quit(ish)

there’s been so much going on lately and yet nothing at the same time. it’s been good and bad and creative and stressful and boring and all of everything rolled into one hot mess.

this weekend i’ve been laying pretty low while battling a huge round of depression and decision making and general yuk.

i’ve been making so many plans lately and having just as many fall through on me. it’s been hard. i was going to help one of my bosses open a stove shop that he’s been waiting to do for a long time. things stalled on that. then i was going to start my own pay-by-the-day secretarial business and things stalled on that. i found out one of the coffee shops i work at was possibly open for purchase and then that fell through. i’ve applied for mortgages, planned out three businesses, worked at two coffee shops and helped manage two other businesses. i’m learning social media and online advertising for businesses on the fly. i’m taking messages, making appointments, dealing with people who have never met me but still hate me (you should see the hate mail letter). in the middle of all this i’m dealing with a moody teenager and an 8 year old who HATES everything.

i’m tired. i’m stressed. i’m frustrated and i have the window ledge full of empty wine bottles to prove it.

i had to quit(ish) one of my jobs today. i’m so frustrated with this decision. i feel like a huge failure. i’ve never quit before. i made the decision to leave my last job but it wasn’t because i couldn’t do it or i wasn’t successful at it. i left for family and i left on good terms. not so much this time. this time i was a flat failure. the worst part is that it wasn’t even really my failure. i had a boss that had little to no respect for me which makes things, well, impossible. every appointment i set was either ignored or he would be late to. messages i took were ignored. my calls were sent to voice mail (why bother leaving a message when i’m the one that reviews them?). clients would call asking why their appointment was missed or their call not returned and i ended up looking like an incompetent idiot. i HATE being made to look like an idiot. i’m damn good at what i do. DAMN GOOD. but there was no way for the clients to know that. i looked like the bumbling secretary that couldn’t take a message or schedule an appointment without screwing up. i was busting my ass getting advertising, social media, web listings, appointments, taking messages, organizing, trying to make things work smoother and take the stress off him and all it was doing was quadrupling my stress. why am i taking calls at 7am on sunday morning when he could care less? why am i answering his texts at 10pm about appointments or billings when i had tried to reach him all day?

i stopped to talk to him today to let him know where i was at. this is a HUGE thing for me. normally i just pull the plug and walk away. generally there’s a large emotional explosion and a grand finale and no going back. this time i tried to be different. i tried to talk about it before i was at the explosion point. i calmly told him everything i just wrote out above. i told him that i was frustrated but if things could change i would still be on board.

and then there was silence. stone. cold. silence.

so. i left.

there was apparently nothing left to say.

about an hour later i had a text message asking me how to take the call forwarding off.

so. i guess that’s that. i didn’t mean to quit. i was asking for change and a little respect. i guess i got my answer.

so. nifty.

less stress. that’s a good thing, right?

BUT. that was pretty much the last hope of avoiding cubicle world again. the last hope of something that would work out and pay the bills and let me still be a mom. so. now it’s back to corporate robot world. yuk.

and in the middle of all that did i mention my teenager is failing school and my 8 year old is being bullied every day AND failing school?

i guess i’m failing at the staying home and being a mom thing too. awe.some.

and did i mention that i’m still single?

why the fuck isn’t there more wine at this pity party?

SILVER LINING:

i have a washer and dryer installed and working.

i’ve learned how to make a damn good cup of coffee in the last few months.

i’ve learned how to do some awesome local online advertising.

i have my office unpacked and put together.

i have a good house that has kept us warm through some damn cold nights already this winter.

i have a good car that handles winter time like it’s a regular summer day.

i’ve got great people that aren’t ashamed to have a twilight marathon with me.

finally: i’m still able to convince the moody teenager to make an idiot of himself with his friend by doing broadway dance songs on the wii in exchange for zelda time. that’s kinda priceless.