(non)working girl

so. i’ve been promising to write forever and i’m just now finally getting around to it. there’s been a few reasons for delay: 1- time: YES, i’m “unemployed” but i’m also busier than i’ve ever been helping several friends/businesses, chasing kids around, dealing with contractors, and then, of course, there’s always my own ish and the crap stuck in my head. 2- perspective: i’ve had some big shit go down lately. my knee jerk reaction is to write it all down immediately. most of this stuff needs perspective though. i need to be able to step back, process, analyze, think it over, make sure i’m reacting properly, THEN write about it. some if it i’m still not there yet. some of it i’m ready. so. there should be more writing in the next few days (schedule allowing) to get out the stuff i’m ready to talk about. so. all that said- brass tacks- today i’m going to tackle the most recent and the one that’s on my mind the most: money/unemployment.

i was denied unemployment. i appealed. denied AGAIN. the first time they told me that quitting my job to stay at home was not a good reason to quit. AWE.SOME. way to put family first state of washington. so i appealed and waited several weeks. i was certain that it wasn’t my employer trying to screw me over- i mean i worked for them for 10 years, left on the best terms, did everything i could for them. i was sure it was the state being the state and through the appeal it would all work out. then i got fucked up the ass without lube. sorry if that’s a little much, but HOLY FUCK OVER batman. i waited all these weeks, kept looking for a job while i watched what was left of my savings drain away. i kept thinking OF COURSE it will work out. then i called in, did the phone interview with the judge for the appeal and listened to my previous employer twist everything around in every direction possible to completely and totally fuck me over. they insist i quit my job to write. great. you know that thing called a letter of resignation? that thing that i turned in that said WHY i was quitting? the thing i turned in to my boss and is (or should be) in my employee file? funny how no where in there did i say i was quitting my job to write. it DOES say that i was leaving to be with my kids and be a family while i had the chance. YES, i said i was going to use some of the time to write. and cook. and go on field trips. and read. and do art work. and be a mom. and take vacations. and do things with my kids. fuck- i even wrote a blog about my goals for the year and the things i wanted to accomplish. YES, writing was one of those. NO, it was not the reason i left my job. i was honestly so shocked during the appeal that i couldn’t even disagree. i couldn’t believe they were insisting THAT was the reason i left. not that i lost my brother. not that my son lost his step mother and baby brother. not that i lost my dad and watched my whole life get dumped on it’s head in less than 12 months.

TEN FUCKING YEARS people. i worked for that company for TEN YEARS. i busted my ass for them. sent my kids to a daycare and had someone else spending more time with them than me. i arranged babysitters after BOTH kids had their tonsils out so i could be back at work. i made them go to daycare sick because i couldn’t take time away. i busted my ass for TEN years for that company. i gave them notice the beginning of november that i wanted to leave the end of december and then ended up staying an extra FULL month while they shitted time away hiring a replacement to train. i did my best for ten years, did my damndest to leave on the best terms, did everything i could just to get royally fucked over. are they that worried about their bottom line? do they really care that little about their employees? i really don’t want to believe that i worked for a company like that for ten years, but this has shown me otherwise.

people have asked me over the last year if i would go back to the company if the opportunity arose. i always i thought i would. i thought it would be great to go back to the benefits, to an employer that was great to me. i had nothing bad to say about them.

NOW?

no way in mother fucking hell would i spend one more day working for a company that could care less and works harder to protect their books than to take care of someone that gave them 10 years.

BIG QUESTION: now what? now what do i do that i have NO savings left, NO unemployment, and NO job on the horizon?

welcome to my stress.

i am VERY lucky that i do have a little money coming in via child support right now. it’s not much, and it has disappeared on me several times before, but it’s something for now. i just need to be very careful with it. i HAVE been working for one business with the potential for payment- i just need to learn to grow a pair and ask for the paycheck. not something i’m good at. especially when it’s a friend. especially when i know business is slow. especially when there’s some trade work going on. especially when i’m so damn good at making up excuses to avoid a potentially awkward situation and ESPECIALLY when i’m just too damn chicken to actually do it.

so. there you have it. poor, broke, pissed off, BUT I HAVE A PLAN! and i have a fucking awesome business name. it’s ironic, funny, and simple all at once. stay tuned for the actual business licensing, domain registering, official branding ish before i drop it out there, but i’m sure you’ll all think it fits me!