connect the dots

do you remember connect the dots? like, when you were little, the activity books that had the word searches and logic grid puzzles, maybe some coloring pages and a few connect the dots scattered in?

you follow the numbers, use the context clues, figure out what the picture is. pretty simple.

connect the dots teaches counting, pattern recognition, deduction skills, basic stuff.

here’s the thing about being an adult with incredibly strong intuition, trauma based pattern recognition, and survival based deduction skills: you connect the dots.

really well.

it’s pretty basic stuff.

here’s also the thing about being an adult with those skills: you can’t un-connect the dots. you see the things. all the things. and then you can’t un-see them.

and here’s also, ALSO the thing: as an adult, you have to learn to sort out those things you’ve seen: is this fact? is this intuition? is this trauma?

sometimes when you skip a number or two the picture can change drastically. what you thought you saw and recognized is a completely different image. did you start at the right point? is this the right perspective? sometimes it feels like you’re connecting dots in the dark without numbers or order but you somehow know what and where the dots are and how to connect them and you can’t explain it but you just know. 

not so fun game: what’s the difference between intuition and worst-case-scenario trauma brain?

do i KNOW this? or am i just bracing myself for the worst possible outcome?

do i have all the numbers? am i connecting them in the right order? did i draw the correct picture?

is it a picture of a mushroom? or an animal? or nothing at all?

how does the story change between each of those pictures?

i have dots appearing in front of me.

i know how my trauma brain wants to connect them.

i know how my intuition wants to connect them.

here are the dots:

Dot 1: bought a hide-a-bed couch off FB marketplace in January. opened and closed several times, added a new mattress, rearranged the living room a few times.

Dot 2: 3/16 moved the couch away from the wall for building maintenance to replace a thermostat. cut my finger on a staple/nail/something. already hate the couch anyway: super uncomfortable as a couch OR a hide-a-bed. decide it’s TIME TO GO. listed couch on FB marketplace.

Dot 3: 3/18 woman on FB marketplace falls through, move the couch back in place. it’s been sitting diagonally in the middle of the living room since maintenance hoping it would just be gone soon. 

Dot 4: 3/23 relist couch on FB marketplace, dude comes and picks it up at 6:30pm

Dot 5: 3/25 while vacuuming up the detritus from the thermostat install and the couch moving, i find a gemstone ring along the wall where the couch was. this is not my ring. it does not even fit my pinky. it was not there on 3/18 when i moved the couch back in place after the first FB marketplace failure.

Dot 6: i live alone, work 6 days a week, 8 hour days. i am rarely home and have not had guests.

six little dots: what sort of picture does it draw? what do the dots connect to reveal?

is this just a wayward ring, caught up in a couch that dislodged itself the final time i opened the frame to remove the mattress before it was picked up? (i haven’t even paid off the mattress on amazon, it was NOT going with the couch).

does the picture change when i add a dot that says 2 people have a back up key and were both nearby my apartment within the last week?

did someone bring a guest to my house? someone that sat on the couch in a way their ring would fall off, unnoticed, behind the couch against the wall?

that’s a very different picture.

does it change the picture again when i add a dot to mention why the dates are so particular and noteworthy?

3/23/2002 i married to a man who had two mistresses. 24 years ago monday.

3/22/2004 i filed for divorce. 22 years ago sunday.

domestic violence and cheating patterns stick in the brain.

am i connecting dots based on that trauma and the previous pattern? do i jump to someone sneaking around because that’s the trauma i was born into (my dad) and that’s the trauma i lived (my ex-husband)?

 

does it change the picture, yet again when the ring is revealed to be moldavite? the stone of transformation? the stone i avoid at all costs because of the chaos and havoc that follow in its’ wake? 

one way or another, the universe delivered to me the stone of transformation. at a certain point does that supersede everything? it doesn’t matter how it arrived? it’s here now and change will follow?

do i believe the couch had it’s own energy and own journey and was finding it’s way and removed itself from my home? was i just a stop over for the energy of transformation that moved the couch between three houses in as many months? maybe the couch finally knew it was connecting to the right person and could release the energy moving it from place to place?

how do i connect the dots?

how do i WANT to connect the dots?

DO i want to connect the dots? 

i think part of growth and change, for me,  is realizing those are all different questions. that there may be more than one answer. learning to thank the part that flashes the hazard lights. also thanking the part that floats mystical options. thanking the thought that i don’t HAVE TO do anything. realizing the true answer may be somewhere in between or somewhere completely different.

is this a thread i want to pull. is this an answer i need? are these dots that even belong in the same group? are these dots that even connect?

is this intuition? is this trauma? is there a difference ? does it matter if there’s a difference? what if the intuition and the trauma are the same?

do i seek out the transformation? do i jump to conclusions and light my own fuses? do i just chill and wait for what the universe will continue to reveal, collecting dots to connect later?

another part of growth and change for me is my response to the whole conundrum: ok.

no screaming. no crying. no knee jerk reaction.

just: ok, now what?

does part of me want to spiral to the dark place? indulge the worst of the worst ideas and storylines? sure. i could do that. i could imagine a million scenarios and hurt my own feelings in a thousand different ways. but…like…ain’t nobody got time for that. 

 

do i want to spiral into a rage? a fight? a defense? do i want to attack myself for whatever could have led up to whatever story i craft? do i want to attack others for their assumed part in whatever story i believe? do i want to scream and blame someone for something that doesn’t even have a shape or a foundation in anything besides something that appeared in my own broken brain? i mean. like i could. i’m sure it wouldn’t take too much to tap into some simmering rage. really convince myself of an egregious injury and victimhood.

or do i want to laugh at how strange the universe is and how random it can be sometimes? absolutely.

or do i want to believe this is just the fae waking up from winter and stirring up mischief for no reason? i wouldn’t put it past them.

do i want to connect the dots? or do i want to turn the page to the next activity?