kindness matters

i grew up in a house with the philosophy: “the world is hard, so we’re going to be hard on you to prepare you for it.”

as an 80’s kid, i know this wasn’t unique. we were the generation where they had to run commercials to remind our parents to hug us and make sure we came home when the streetlights came on.

looking back a generation or two, it’s not difficult to suss out where this ideology comes from: my grandmother was a widow with 3 babies and one on the way in 1955. my mom was divorced with 2 kids in 1982. those were HARD ROADS. those were really hard roads. my grandmother was born in 1929. that’s so many wars, the great depression, social upheaval. my mom was born in 1955. that’s even more wars, more recessions, even more social upheaval.

life was hard. add in…well…everything. being women. being mothers. before credit cards. before birth control. before divorce was acceptable. i don’t know, because we weren’t a family that talked, but hedging my bets i’d say dollars to donuts there’s some abuse in there too. physical, probably. emotional, for sure. mental, yup. financial, without a doubt.

i understand, woman to woman, wanting to prepare your daughter (children) for what’s coming. it has been generations of struggle and the world being hard.

but here’s the thing: it’s been generations of struggle and the world being hard. the world just is hard. no matter what.

so, why does home have to be as well?

i started feeling that shift in thinking a few years ago, unfortunately, after my kids were already out of the house. i raised my kids with the same mentality: the world is hard, you need to be tough. for that, i’m eternally sorry.

now, i wonder: if the world is hard and will always be hard, why does home have to be?

why can’t home be the soft place to land when the world knocks you around? why can’t home be the safe harbor from the storm that’s always either brewing or raging, alternatively.

the world is hard. strangers can be really mean. life can punch you square in the face, really fucking hard some days. you get exhausted. you get worn down. it is mean. it is hard.

do i want someone screaming in my face to keep going? someone literally hitting or pushing me forward? is it helpful to have someone screaming about weakness and failure and discouragement? 

or do i want someone to say: sit down for a moment, catch your breath, regain your balance. take a knee. take some of my energy. take some of my kindness, my softness. recharge yourself. are you ready? take a deep breath. you can keep going. you can do it. i believe in you.

i was bullied a lot as a kid. A LOT. i mean, to be fair i was undiagnosed, unattended, and unusual. i was the super weird kid that preferred adults over peers. i would rather stay home and read a book than do anything outside. i was (am) wicked smart with an incredibly strong sense of justice: aka: a rule follower, a snitch and a square. throw in a heavy dose of religious superiority and i was no fun at all. as a result, the bullying came from all directions: brothers, cousins, classmates, teachers. eventually partners, coworkers, bosses, friends. 

i’ve heard it all. i’ve heard all about my size, my skin, my glasses, my hair, my clothes, my interests, my inability (or awkwardness) to interact in social settings. i know i’m weird. i know i do things weird and wrong. i’m too picky. i’m too loud. i’m too boring. i’m too embarrassing. i’m exhausting. i know all the things. i’ve heard it as long as i can remember.

and, spoiler alert, all that hardness didn’t make anything any easier to hear or deal with as a kid and it has yet to make anything easier to deal with as an adult. 

people are still mean and i’m not any better prepared. it still hurts.

for example: seventy two. 72. that’s how many interviews i went on while unemployed for 7 months between 2023 and 2024. that’s a lot of meanness. that’s a lot of rejection and people telling you that you don’t fit and they don’t want you. especially when most of those interviews are in industrial/construction industries. they REALLY don’t like different people.

none of the meanness or rejection from childhood prepared me for that. it still hurt. it was still really fucking brutal.

having a partner call me retarded and embarrassing wasn’t any easier because i’ve already heard it thousands of times from my brother.

having men on dating apps call me a fat cunt that no one wants doesn’t get any easier the 10th or 100th time. 

having strangers on the streets laugh at my clothes wasn’t any easier because my mom had already taught me to hate my body.

being rejected by friends isn’t any easier at 40 than it was at 14.

the world is hard. it’s always been hard, it will always be hard.

so i choose softness.

be what you needed when you were little.

i needed someone to say: that was mean. you didn’t deserve that. you don’t have to listen to that. you’re an amazing human, just as you are.

if they can’t change it in 5 seconds or 5 minutes, shut the fuck up about it.

toilet paper on your shoe? sure i’ll say something. shoes that, to me, don’t quite match the outfit and look too worn out? shut the fuck up. who knows what they can find that fits or that they can afford.

broccoli stuck in your teeth? sure i’ll say something. missing teeth? shut the fuck up about it. i don’t know their family genetics or the status of their dental insurance.

i’ve had people say some of the most unkind things about everything imaginable. what the hell are birthing hips? what is a shelf butt? what is a pizza face? what does making sound effects when i walk by accomplish? what does giggling in a group while i slowly realize that wasn’t a complement do? what satisfaction comes from saying the meanest and the cruelest things, just because? 

and, again, spoiler alert, all the “preparation” of my youth still hasn’t made and of it any easier.

so, now i choose kindness.

i choose a compliment over a criticism. i choose encouragement instead of berating. i choose a polite smile instead of a sneer of judgement.

kindness matters.

there’s no shortage of people in this world waiting to tell you how wrong you are. there’s always someone around to point out a mistake. always someone to make fun of an outfit or a haircut or a perceived flaw.

in the united states right now, the cruelty is the point. all the rhetoric. all the hate speech. the laws being rescinded. the families being separated. the cabal of rich elites hoarding resources. all the attacks- verbal or literal bombs. the cruelty is the point. unnecessary, humanity stripping, absolutely destructive intentional cruelty.

there’s more than enough of that in the world. 

i’ve had more than enough of that.

i choose kindness. i choose to be the soft place.

come, sit beside me. take some of my kindness. take some of my softness. let me encourage you. let me support you. let me cheer you on. let me help you catch your breath to face another day.

in a world of cruelty, choose kindness.