and now?

over doesn’t mean bad.

over doesn’t mean failure.

over doesn’t mean enemies.

over means change.

it means sadness. letting go. being thankful and being hopeful both while grieving.

it means…it means a thousand things i’m still figuring out and struggling with.

was it the right decision? was i too hasty? was i letting trauma make the decision? was i being unkind? did i not give enough chances? what about all the good stuff? 

the good stuff is still the good stuff. all the late night conversations, unplanned road trips, nights at home on the couch. all the good stuff is still the good stuff. hot summer nights in the pool while dinner cooked on the smoker. wandering through thrift shops laughing at how every single one has an old school egg mixer. playing cribbage while having deep discussions. taking a massive rip together then laughing at youtube videos. going to holiday work parties. a special birthday dinner. all the fantastic meals and joy and laughter. it all remains.

the hard stuff is still there too. there’s a reason why it ended. sleeping alone every night. constantly being snapped at. the continuous chorus of “you’re wrong, again,” and “why can’t we ever be on the same page,” and “i don’t care.”

i finally asked: “do you even like me?”

and no answer. 

so why am i even here? what am i doing?

that hurt.

that’s a pretty rough ending.

AND.

because two things can be true.

that was a rough ending AND it was a great experience and so healing and so good in so many ways.

all my partner appreciation posts stand. all the good remains. all the happy bubbles and great experiences and good memories are still there. 

that was, overall, a fantastic 9 months. i am so grateful. i am so thankful. i have learned so much about patience and listening to myself. i’ve worked on healing old relationship trauma, old communication trauma, old all sorts of trauma. i’ve pushed myself and made myself sit in silence. i’ve spoken up and bitten my tongue. i’ve worked so hard on understanding the balance of good and bad and what my limits are.

and now…

i don’t know.

now i’m REALLY untethered.

no kids. no stella. no partner.

what do i do with my evenings? i don’t have to be home for anything. i don’t have any one to check in with but myself.

who is this 45 year old creature? out in the world on her own? 

the timing does not escape me. steak and whisky day has been my own version of new years for a while.

happy birthday dad, this year would be 71.

i take the time on his birthday and on mine to check in, roughly every 6 months. where am i at? what do i want for this next chapter?

aries: the first sign of the zodiac. the new start to the cycle. the full moon is today, april 1. what does the moon, in all her wisdom and all her years of human observance have for me this year? according to the workshops i did last night: buckle up.

maybe it’s the robots, maybe it’s the algorithms, maybe it’s the universe.

i still write most everything in a journal, i would like to believe that’s one sacred spot the robots can’t scan yet. when the words i’ve written, in my own AI proof journal almost exactly align with the messages received from other sources, there may be a lesson there.

last week when i started processing my feelings and asking myself where things were at, i had very concise language come up. words i kept using over and over in my own explanations. almost all those same phrases came up in the workshops; surprise, the words, they speak to me.

almost like i’m one of those writer people that always turns to words to make sense of things.

huh. strange.

being tired, soul tired. transformation. clarity. return to self. releasing what drained, confused, or made me challenge my worth. whatever is out of alignment is being corrected. whatever was unfair is being leveled.

there was a specific message about big ideas, asking for and receiving how to apply those big ideas, and then actually applying the big idea. my process was literally this: hey guides, is this BIG THING a thing i need to do? can you please tell me when the right time is?

i have been receiving the message: “be patient, keep going” for months.

this week that message changed: “it’s time to walk away from something or someone that is no longer serving us.”

i asked for clarification, because of course i did.

WE SAID WHAT WE SAID.

okuuuuur girl. calm down. i wan’t QUESTIONING, i was just, you know…questioning.

WE SAID WHAT WE SAID.

well fuck. ok. so. now i know it’s time. and i sat with that for a few days. had a difficult conversion, regrouped, reconsidered.

and backed down.

and started to waffle.

and boy howdy did the universe kick my ass swiftly. upset stomach. jewelry breaking. purse breaking.

OK. FINE. well then, if you’re so smart, HOW do i do this?

and within moments, literal moments, the voices in my head screamed START WRITING RIGHT NOW and everything i needed to say came straight out, compact. direct. final.

and after sending that on monday, the rest of the moon messages started coming through last night:

starting off with a bang: 

he needed the love i gave him to know he’s worth it. i needed the disrespect he gave me to know i’m worth more.

big ole haymaker straight out the gate. ouch.

you’re going to spend the weekend before the full moon clearing, healing, understanding, crying, broken heart, transforming, clarifying, you’re not confused, you’re tired.

two for two.

this full moon is about releasing what’s weighing on us on reclaiming our energy. releasing every connection that drained you. calling back your energy fully, completely, and without apology. a reset of your core energy and your relationships. the universe is giving you a choice: choose peace over drama.

three for three.

what a kick in the teeth. in the best way possible.

so, we know what’s done. we know what’s releasing. we know what’s not moving forward.

so…what’s next?