growing up

it turns out, one of the hardest parts of growing up is admitting when you've been an absolute cunt for absolutely no reason other than your own issues.

 

years ago, in the og days of the twitter machine, there was a local twitterer that i decided to have beef with:

 

this person had the sheer audacity to set goals and achieve them.

CAN. YOU. IMAGINE?

 

one of her goals was to write/publish a book. and she did. and i bought it and read it. and it was good.

AND HOLY FUCK DID THAT MAKE ME MAD.

HOW. FUCKING. DARE. SHE?

i've been talking about writing and publishing MY WHOLE LIFE. and through my own procrastination and self doubt and general unending ability to create the shittiest excuses of all time, i completely slacked off and never did it.

and she just...did it? 

how dare she set goals and achieve them. the nerve of some people.

yeah. i'm a giant cunt.

turns out she's a completely AMAZING human being and i missed out on years of a possible friendship because of my own petty jealousies.

so. you know. don't be like me.

 

take a minute to look at the irritating spots. the harsh judgements. what is it that really bothers you?

it's uncomfortable. it really is. for me, most of the deep irritations boil down to my own ego.

 

with my kids i really, really struggled in the ways they were like me. i really dug in and fought because i know how hard it's been to BE ME. i didn't want that for them. instead of finding a way to make it better for both of us, i fought it. i wanted to change them and resented that they couldn't change any more than i could. i think there's a lot of damage there on all sides.

with other people it's been my own issues- ending relationships because they cared too much. there must be something wrong with them if they like me. with friendships- i mean fuck. being mad at someone for achieving an AMAZING goal instead of being a cheerleader? that's just petty jealousy.

growing up means learning to set that aside.

talking to my kid about being like me. why it's been hard. what i've learned that makes it better. being able to gently show him how i'm learning to settle into my own skin.

 

meeting people for coffee and realizing how much potential i've missed out on over the years and making the conscious decision to shift the way i view other's success.

 

letting the really nice guy say that he likes me and believing him instead of trying to prove to him why he shouldn't.

growing up is hard yo.