well that bit me in the ass

i kinda cheated on writing last week.

i posted a small little post in the middle of the afternoon on a thursday and only found out before starting this post that the html was completely messed up so it was not readable.

so i met my goal of one post a week...but did i really?



truth time:

i know just enough about social media to know how to fly a little below the radar. i've been on twitter long enough to know when no one is reading. i know just enough to know how to hide posts in feeds or make things less visible.

i may or may not intentionally bury posts at times when they feel particularly vulnerable.

sometimes when you shout into the great void you hope for an echo.

sometimes you just want to shout.

that post was one i wanted to hide.

but what's the point of writing and trying to be honest if you're still trying to hide?

that post covered how i'm bisexual: tl/dr women are amazing.

since then, i've been struggling with coming to terms with the shift in perspective which has really surprised me.

and i've struggled with wanting to talk about it more, but i don't want to be the lulu lemon lesbian.

LOOK AT THIS AMAZING NEW THING I FOUND!! NO, NO, JUST TRY IT ONCE, YOU'LL NEVER GO BACK. YOU'LL LOVE IT. YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU EVER GOT ALONG WITHOUT IT!!

JOIN TODAY AND GET A CUSTOM HYDROFLASK AND A SEPHORA COUPON.

i didn't want to annoy or over saturate or turn into this overzealous proselytizing cliche.

but the thing is, cliches are cliches for a reason.

and, i mean, IT'S A BIG FUCKING DEAL. i feel like so many things make so much more sense. i feel like i've finally figured out why things have just NEVER worked for so many years, no matter what i tried. all the brick walls and dead ends.

after 40 years of existing i feel like i'm finally figuring myself out.

THAT'S A HUGE DEAL YA'LL. i want to talk about it.

after 20+ years of struggling with dating. trying to find a partner. getting so frustrated and hurt and defeated. giving up how many times because i just couldn't find what i was looking for. not even close.

WELL DUH YOU DUMB ASS. you were looking the wrong direction the whole time.

and, to be fair,

i didn't even have half of it figured out for a LONG time.

then after i figured out half of it, i still hid for so many years. i like guys. always have, always will. there were even some guys i REALLY REALLY liked. and some were great experiences. but it was never RIGHT. none of them ever worked out more than a few weeks. none of them ever...well. it just didn't work.

but sticking closet to the straight side was MUCH easier than figuring out that other half.

i keep saying half because i've joked for years about being a 50/50 split bi. equal opportunity.

that's how it looks in my head. and i feel like maybe that stems from the conversation/questions you hear about bi-sexuals about if they're REALLY bi when they're in whatever form of a partnership. like there's this constant pressure to prove that you REALLY ARE BOTH ALL THE TIME. it's part of bi-erasure. if you date a man, women were just an experimental phase. if you date a woman, previous relationships with men were just a stopover on the way to gaytown.

and i really let this get in my head and fuck it up for a few days.

it was like finding a stronger preference in myself for women made me want to just dig my claws into I STILL LIKE MEN.

but...

A) i know better.

how many times have i said sexuality is a fluid thing? an ever moving target? a sliding scale?

i was always reassuring friends without listening to myself.

huh. funny how thoughts just come out sometimes.

without listening to myself.

and the focus of this year is to LISTEN.

and now that i'm listening to myself...

funny how that works isn't it?

but also,

B) WHO THE FUCK CARES?

so what if it does turn out the first 40 years of my life were just a layover?

sometimes it takes 40 years of wandering around, maybe a talking burning bush* to get some clarity and get you where you need to be.

*LISTEN. i'm not saying moses was stoned as fuck when that "burning bush" talked to him...i'm just saying afghani kush is some good shit. (ps: a drunk history of moses exists and it's amazing)


but again, WHO CARES?

and this is where it gets mushy.

i am finally, for the first time, at the point in my life where i can say this:

all the people that matter most to me, ALL of them.

it doesn't matter to them.

they truly accept me for who i am.

i have built a circle. i have found my people. i have surrounded myself with GOOD people. i have made my life, my home, my job, good. SAFE.

i have made a space for myself to BE myself.

which, by logic, means now i have to go DO that.

shit.