marie kondo-ing the emotional closet

I feel like I've been spending the last long time, really long time, just, struggling through all this stuff and all my posts have been really melancholy.

Then I had a realization this morning: GIRL, you’ve been Marie- Kondoing your emotional closet. I have all this STUFF that I just walked away from. Forever. And I've never dealt with it. You just stick it in a little box and stuff it away in the closet. And of course it's going to be gross when you finally get around to dealing with all that. But you have to get rid of all that junk so you can make room for good new stuff. And I've been doing that. Going through that process. I did my entire house, I did my actual closet, i did my career. Now it's time to Marie Kondo my emotional closet!

And it is ugly. And it is...it's so hard. It is a Debbie Downer. It is...fuck, it's so emotionally draining and it's so hard going back and dealing with all that stuff that you just shoved in your emotional closet for the last 15, 20, 30...however many years. It's just been sitting there waiting. It doesn't go anywhere. It's kind of an asshole like that. Emotions and memories and bullshit. But I feel like I'm getting to the other side. And I feel like I've done a lot of good processing. This week I even tackled domestic violence. Sorted through a lot of my issues with that going back to...16 years ago. And I never dealt with it. Just had to stick it in the closet and keep going. And I've just been dealing with some of the really old horrible stuff that's just been sitting there. Taking up space. Taking up emotional energy. You keep checking to make sure it's still stuck in that little box somewhere, you just don't want to deal with it.

So I'm really excited that I feel like I'm coming out the other side of this. And I'm ready for good things and good experiences. I have all that bullshit gone. I got my emotional closet Marie Kondo CLEAN. And I feel like...I'm ready to just have space for good things. For good people. Positive things. Creative things. Good people and good emotions.

And now that I've...I can't even tell you how the other night going through all that domestic violence stuff...no joke, when they say it feels like a weight had lifted off you. Because GOOD. LAWD. I processed through all of that stuff and just TOOK A BREATH. I don't have to let that be part of my narrative anymore. I don't have to let that be my reaction going forward. And I don't have to have that box there sitting in the closet. I can let go of that and get rid of it. It's not used or useful. It doesn't bring me joy. GONE. It doesn't need to be a part of my life anymore. And that was...after 16 years...that was a pretty good moment.

So, I'm excited. This isn't going to be all sadsies and crying and drama.

But the first part will be. I'm sure I'm not quite done yet. I'm sure there's a few more boxes in the back of the closet that I haven't looked at yet. But I'm getting there. I'm able to get to those boxes now. The closet isn't stuffed full and overflowing and threatening to take over the entire house anymore. It's getting better. But if any of you have ever watched Marie Kondo, or cleaned, or purged or watched hoarders, you know sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. You gotta drag all that stuff out in the light and look at it first. And oof...it gets ugly. Really ugly. You don't realize how much is shoved in there til it's all sprawled out in front of you. And then you just go through it one by one.

And I'm almost there. I feel like I'm getting there. I feel like I've touched on a lot of the things that I've held onto for so long. And because I'm processing them now and actually acknowledging them and recognizing the good and the bad that they brought to my life and why I held onto them for this long? That's important- it is. And now I've been able to deal with that and now I can move on.

So, that's very exciting looking forward. It gives me good energy to keep up this project. I want it to be a good project. I want it to be an exciting 52 weeks. I want it to be fun things. I want it to be real things. Growing things. Learning things. I don't want it to be, like here's another week of me crying about something horrible that happened 20 years ago. And I feel like I don't have to do that any more. I got that all out of the way. So here's to moving forward on beautiful bright Saturday morning. Stella still has been sleeping in the sunshine all morning.

I'm slowly getting ready for the day. It's gorgeous out. And it's...things feel good. It's been a while. It's lovely to be able to say, especially in winter time. It's good. It means I've been working hard. And that means I've been making sure to fight the seasonal depression. And do the things I need to do to take care of myself. And I appreciate that effort me. Well done, high five to myself.

If you miss a high five to yourself it's a particularly embarrassing moment in your own life. Just so you know: WATCH THE ELBOW. If you watch the elbow you'll never miss a high five.