one piece at a time

last night i was working through a few things and had a BIG realization. you know that feeling when a core piece of you just BOOM. locks into place? just *KA CHUNK* feeling and you finally, finally know for sure. without a doubt, the answer to a question you didn’t know you asked.

well, i did ask.

 i know i very specifically asked. i've got to own it.

i asked a the universe a question and got an answer.

in the last week i’ve gone from “am i gay enough” to have a long term relationship with a woman? to reaffirming not only YES, i am, but then being hit by realizing:

OH. yeah. duh. my life partner(s) will be a woman. got it.

*KA CHUNK*

so what does that mean to me?

why did that take so long to figure out?

here's where the words come in.

it’s time for me to find some new words.

bisexual is a weird word when you think about who you are as an entire person. it reduces the whole experience to sex. and it’s a very “straight” word or at least always has been to me.

because i didn’t realize liking men AND women was even a thing for so long, all my default programming is heterosexual. all of it. being bi-sexual meant an assumption that my MAIN relationship would be a man. of course. but the SEX part could be with either. because it’s bi-SEXUAL, not bi-relationshipual. bi-partnershipual?

but the more i’m learning about myself, i’m realizing that is NOT my actual programming. turns out my REAL default setting is a main relationship with a woman and the sex part could be with either.

what’s the word for that? oh, it’s still bisexual? cool. glad we cleared that up.

but my life partner (s?) will be a woman. i know this now. that has become CRYSTAL CLEAR in the last week. so many things make so much more sense now.

so then i decided to try to list all the amazing attributes of all the women i admire, the things i would like to set as intentions for my life partner. the list kept growing and growing and growing and i suddenly realized that i am SURROUNDED by amazing women with innumerable amazing qualities. and that’s, just...wow.

WOMEN ARE AMAZING.

that is all.