still here

i'm still here.

i'm WAY behind on weekly posts.

but i'm still here.

still frustrated.

still scared.

still bored as fuck.

still hate everything.

i'm particularly frustrated this week by finances.

who isn't?

i know. everyone is stressed about finances right now.

i'm jealous of the ones who are worried because of covid. at least there's an eventual end in sight.

i'm just straight up fucked.

i found out last week that no, my shiny new insurance doesn't pay for ANY mental health care.

as in NONE.

as in you have to reach your $5,000 deductible before they pay anything. that's 50 weeks of $100/per appointment.

there's only 52 weeks in a year...and i only go every other week

i'm sure it's my fault. i'm sure i didn't read the packet close enough.

i'm used to insurance that only requires a $20 copay or, for the short time i was on state insurance, fully covered.

but nope.

absolutely nothing.

besides a bill for services not covered.

i changed jobs, i changed careers, for NOTHING.

i completely fucked up.

and also, the child support i thought was on pause? not so much.

so between the pay cut and having medical deducted from my paychecks i'm bringing home $600 less per month. then throw in the $1k drop per month adjustment for no longer receiving child support AND now paying $423 per month for outgoing child support.

so. in the last year i've had to adjust for $2k less per month. when my total monthly income was only $3800.

so.

granted, i'm not the best at math, but that's...*sigh*

i was getting ready to adjust to this BEFORE everything with the lockdown happened.

i thought i had a reprieve, and now...

and, if you didn't know, child support is VICIOUS. or i'm just scared of everything. or both.

because of how long the case took to mitigate, i started out the initial judgement with 5 months of back support which means there are liens out against me, the IRS has been notified, there's a STACK of mean and threatening letters about losing my license, jail time, etc. for not paying the debit. THAT I JUST ACCRUED. literally in the same week as the final judgement papers i received a notice of lien.

funny (not funny) how it took them YEARS to track down my ex and make sure he paid child support but it took only 5 months to obliterate me.

it's just...

i feel like i try so hard to fight for myself only to be smashed down.

oh, you want a job where you're not groped every day and there's not constant hate speech? $5 hour less.

oh, you want to be able to sleep at night and not have to worry about being murdered by your own child? here's a support order and a notice from the IRS.

oh, you want to work on your mental health so you're not thinking about dying every day? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...MONEY PLEASE.

none of this is because of the stay-at-home orders, but the lockdown hasn't helped.

i was doing fine for a while but it's been WAY too long since i've interacted with another human which, even for me, is extreme.

and it makes being single that much harder.

yes, i know being stuck in stay-at-home with a partner/family/roommate/whatever isn't sunshine and lollipops for everyone. i get it. and i honestly can't imagine sharing my itty bitty space with someone,

but there's also something to be said for having someone to talk to, maybe hug if it gets really bad. 

aside from the 30 second interactions with employees at grocery/target pick ups, i haven't talked to a real human being in person in a while.

well, aside from the neighbor that knocked on my door last week which was...awkward at best. no, i'm not going to invite you in, neighbor who isn't actually a neighbor and is the boyfriend of a neighbor (that i don't know at all...i *think* it's the lady with the yappy little dog).

but that's just...

no thanks.

at least most of my work clients/vendors are being very polite letting me chatter a bit before getting down to brass tacks.

i'm still trying. i'm meditating almost every day (sorry saturday).

vitamins. food. water. sunshine (through windows). music. showering.

oh, and i very, VERY quickly remembered why purple is a particularly mean color to pick when your hair maintenance isn't on point...

ahem.

i'm still trying to muddle through. reading still is impossible. writing...i've moved my notebook/pencil around with me every day for weeks without writing a damn word. crafting/art? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. 

crappy shows on hulu that i don't actually watch are about all i've accomplished.

it feels like i'm stuck in this weird space of waiting for stay-at-home to end but knowing it won't fix anything for me when it DOES end.

i still won't be able to afford to go anywhere.

i'm frustrated.

i'm scared.

i'm bored.

i'm lonely.

i'm angry.

spin the fucking feelings wheel and no matter what it lands on i'm sure i've felt it this week.

i tried to clean/purge this weekend only to realize there's nothing to do with the stuff once you do that. so. everything just went back where it started. and entire weekend completing an exercise in futility.

at least all my plants are still alive.

and i've only gained 3 lbs.


fuck it.

FUCK. 

fucking fuck.

ok. this whole writing project is supposed to be me being honest and talking about everything, even the scary stuff. not just the whiny bitch bullshit.

so.

fine.

FUCKING FINE.

LET'S TALK ABOUT DEATH.

i'm terrified of dying.

i know that sounds weird from someone who has thoughts of death on the daily (yeah, again).

but fuck am i scared of dying.

what would happen to stella?

how long would it take for anyone to notice if i died in my apartment?

who the fuck would be stuck cleaning up my apartment and all my bullshit (thus the attempted purge this weekend). i've been the person doing the clean up. it's fucking terrible.

i need to update my will. my life insurance is decent and i want to make sure it doesn't go to the wrong people.

should i try to make amends with anyone?

who gets stuck dealing with my ashes?

how fucking frustrating would it be to die not mattering? no accomplishments. no reason for people to remember you ever existed. if my life was coco, i wouldn't even make it to the underworld village.

i don't have an in-case-of-emergency, i have a brother that lives on the opposite side of the state who doesn't like to talk about heavy things and i'm pretty sure death is one of the heaviest things.

although he did do well at handling my dad's estate. so. at least maybe that part will be taken care of.

it's a lot.

i was doing check-ins with people last week and found out one of my first responder friends was at home in isolation due to a cough.

he was in the waiting time between the test and the results (thankfully negative).

with all the news and new statistics coming out it really made me stop and think.

more and more it's sounding like WHEN, not IF you get this virus. the effort to flatten the curve was never to get rid of the virus, just an effort to mitigate the resources required to care for people. everyone would need a hospital at some point, just hopefully not all at the same time.

and now, beyond the WHEN, it's a matter of how bad, and no one seems to know how to predict that.

only old people.

well, old people plus compromised people.

well, old people, compromised people, regular aged people.

well, old people, compromised people, regular aged people, and kids.

well...

FUCK. JUST SAY FUCKING EVERYONE AND NO ONE KNOWS HOW IT WILL AFFECT THEM.

now they're showing "young" (aka anyone under the 65+ category) are getting strokes after recovery.

so, here's this thing that's evolved so rapidly (well, our knowledge of it has anyway) that now is basically inevitable, with a scale of sick to DEATH.

and i get that it's not really different than the majority of death anyway. you never know when you could trip on a sidewalk and die.

all it takes is one toilet seat from an international space station.

but someone who thinks about death on the daily, i really don't like thinking about death.

i don't have my own ISBN number in the library of congress.

i've never had a successful partnership.

i haven't accomplished a single damn thing in my life.

my kids haven't even taken the necessary classes to be able to property dance on my grave (although peeing on it shouldn't be too difficult to figure out).

for being very caviler about death, i really don't want to die yet.

and i know i'm a fucking raging cunt.

i can still pay my rent. i can still buy groceries and toilet paper. i still have a job to clock into at 7:00 every morning.

i know there's 26.5 million people that can't say the same thing this week.

i know there's 50k+ people that would love to worry about anything right now.

all my therapy tools are SCREAMING at me in my head right now.

stop comparing. stop wallowing. find a positive. make a change.

YEAH.

CAUSE THE LAST SEVERAL CHANGES I MADE WENT SO WELL.

AND ALL MY HARD THERAPY WORK HAS TOTALLY PAID OFF. OBVIOUSLY.

anyway.

i'm still here.

week: who the fuck knows

i haven't written in a few weeks.

it seems like with everything going on in the world, EVERYONE is writing a think piece or how this is impacting them or any of the millions of articles related to the current state of the world.

the main thing i've seen in response to the deluge of writing is people saying the last thing they want is another think piece.

so.

i've just...not.

well, that's half of it.

the other half is bad habits kicking back in.

today is not a good day.

and like all my other bad days the first thing i do is tell myself to shut up about it. no one wants to hear a whiner. everyone is having a hard time right now. suck it up buttercup.

all the usual players are here- shame, guilt, anger, fear, judgment, insults, insecurity...

BUT.

the whole point of this writing project was to be honest with myself. stop hiding from the hard stuff. write it out.

i've been monumentally stupid in the last few weeks.

for about a month i was accidentally forcing myself into a terrible postpartum depression. i mixed the wrong supplements under the idiotic thinking that "if they sell it at target, it can't be bad for you."

i researched evening primrose oil as a natural way to help skin and pms among other things. i researched the shit out of it, like i do everything else. a few minor side effects listed: headache, digestive issues. no big deal. first few days my boobs HURT but digging a little deeper showed one of the "side effects" was breast growth. huh. weird. whatever.

then i started noticing my skin getting WORSE. way worse. painful cystic acne worse. but, you know, things take a minute to adjust. maybe it's just purging the bad stuff out of my system then it will all clear up.

OR.

maybe i'll randomly mention something to a friend (an herbologist) who lets me know: btw, it kinda tricks your body into thinking it's pregnant. oh, and also that other supplement you take can also be used as an abortificant.

THAT'S RIGHT.

i'm dumb enough to mix supplements that simultaneously made my body think it was pregnant AND trying to abort causing a postpartum like depression. because that's what i need. MORE DEPRESSION.

on top of that i've been in the middle of a rent strike at my apartment.

since all this covid bullshit has started, my building management has refused to provide any kind of rent relief OR clean the building. after repeated emails to them asking to have common areas cleaned, the finally sent a (nasty) notice with their cleaning schedule (fake), the areas cleaned (still visually dirty) and the products used (i would love to see reports on how a swiffer cleans covid).

i'm at a loss. technically they provided what i asked for. they state the cleaning is being done. it would be my word against them if i complained (if i even found someone to file a complaint with). they're being absolutely terrible up to and including threatening eviction. yes, i know they can't evict right now, there's a 150 day moratorium. it's still massively blows though. i have NEVER not paid rent OR ever even been late on my rent. it's been a point of pride in my 21 years of rental history. i'm furious that there's nothing i can do. i'm furious that they're lying. i'm furious that the building is dirty and unsafe, especially as most of the other tenants are older. but what can i do? i'm shouting into the void. it's my tiny voice against a corporation who has zero interest in doing what's right.

the same thing is happening at work. i've heard the "you should be grateful to still have a job" line so many times and it's so abusive. the company didn't let us keep our jobs out of a magnanimous gesture. they did it to keep making money. they didn't "let" us all work from home out of goodwill. if that was the case, it would have been available YEARS ago. they did it because they need to keep money hitting the accounts. they sent out a corporate wide email about how they're not paying out 19 billion in shareholder payments right now to "help the company" during this time. YOU WANT TO HELP THE COMPANY? use some of that 19 billion euro to provide full medical and living wages to your employees. stop pushing productivity right now. let people adjust to the entire world being a fucking dumpster fire. say "people should have adapted to work from home by now..." ONE MORE TIME YOU FUCKING ASSHATS. it wasn't a one time thing. it's a continuously evolving trauma that gets worse the deeper we get into it and as patience and mental health erode.

again, just screaming into the void.

that's the frustrating thing for me. so many things are changing. people are coming together. communities are finding ways to support each other. but the fucking over keeps happening. and that's not going to change any time soon.

why are we all trying to pull each other up by our boot straps?

that meme about how we're all just passing around the same $20 on venmo?

it's not fucking funny because it's REAL. we're all worried about each other when the people who can make a difference are fighting over who gets the credit and money.

it's just so fucking defeating.

in addition to all this, my poor little puppers is in heat again. she's extra needy, extra smelly, extra disgusting, extra potty accident prone. my apartment is disgusting right now. i've tried every different type of puppy diaper on her and nothing works. so. all the blankets and rugs are in desperate need of washing. my whole apartment reeks because there's no amount of cleaning i can do right now to make things clean. i open the windows when i can, but my radiators have never worked right and the weather is still fucking COLD more than not. it just feels gross.

and then today (TMI WARNING: LOOK AWAY) i started my period (periods during a pandemic should be illegal) so now we're BOTH feeling miserable and gross.

two bitches in heat.

social distancing is for YOUR safety right now.

(not stella)

in the middle of all this i meditated for a few days and came to the difficult decision that i had a friendship i needed to step away from for a bit.

spoiler alert, it did not go well.

not the first time. won't be the last. but it did make a difficult decision even harder. i spent a great portion of my life, adult and child, not speaking up because of the fear of backlash. it took a long time after getting out of domestic violence to be able to speak my mind again (yes, me, the loudmouth).

the reaction showed that it was the right decision, but it was still a terrible ending.

and it's hard to let go of one of your people when you only have a few people, in a time when you can't have ANY people.


*sigh* so. that was a lot of whining and complaining.

it's been a lot.

i feel myself shutting down.

i feel myself withdrawing, which, when you're home alone...is weird.

i've been trying to do the things. i'm still taking my daily vitamins. hopefully no longer poisoning myself while doing so. i'm trying to meditate (you can tell you're not in a great headspace when meditating makes you angrier). i'm trying to stick to a regular sleep schedule. i'm trying to shower daily (only missed 1 so far!). i'm still ordering/picking up groceries and basics. i'm still eating(ish). i'm trying to read but i can't focus on anything and end up reading the same sentence 6 times and still not reading it.

i'm sure some of it is still my hormones trying to sort themselves back out. most of it is just my own shitty behavior and thought patterns.

i'm tired. i'm tired of fighting for my mental health. i'm tired of working so hard to string together a few good days just to get derailed again. it's fucking exhausting having to fight with my own brain every single day. i know it takes a lot of time and hard work to change behavior patterns. i've worked really hard, for years, to recognize and interrupt the bad crap and replace it with the good.

i haven't had a therapy appointment in a few weeks. i forgot to schedule another session after my last zoom session. partly because i'm TERRIFIED of the bill. i haven't seen a bill since i started going again back in december. i KNOW my insurance doesn't cover all of it. hell, my insurance might not cover any of it until my deductible is met. i read through all the documents several times but it's so fucking confusing. that means...let's see...9 appointments, probably at least $100 each means...i'm fucked.

also, i'm 98% sure my therapist is as exhausted from talking about the same bullshit over and over as i am. every time she gently reminds me "we've talked about this before..." i just want to scream I KNOW. WELCOME TO MY BRAIN. i get so mad at myself for being stuck on the same fucking issues over and over. i know it's annoying as fuck on her end. it has to be, because it drives me fucking insane. I KNOW THE ANSWER. I KNOW THE WORK. I KNOW HOW TO ADJUST THIS. and then i just get stuck again.

i'm trying to...i just need a win, you know?

work from home: week 1

well.

i promised myself when i started this project i would write about it all.

the good, the bad, the ugly.

this was a bad week.

this was a period hormones, world pandemic, social distancing, work from home notice, struggling to find a reason to stay alive week.

we'll start easy.

last week people started shifting to working from home. the first wave was 25% on friday the 13th. by tuesday it was up to 90%. there were a few of us hold outs at the office.

i prefer to work from an office. i NEED human contact. even if it's just the people walking by on the way to get coffee, IT'S PEOPLE.

i'm not a social person. this is not shocking news.

work is 87.2% of ALL my social interactions.

friday they gave us the official boot and i packed up all my shit and set up my tiny little desk to be my new office.

the work part doesn't bother me. all i need is my computer and a phone.  working from home will be nice in a LOT of ways. no warm toilet seats in the bathroom. no annoying coworker leaving passive aggressive notes on an EMPTY desk claiming it in the middle of everyone being sent home. no assholes leaving both coffee pots in the kitchen empty.

i'll have art to look at all day. plenty of light and windows to see outside. proper meals whenever i'm hungry.

i'll miss the cafe. the baristas were so incredibly nice.

i'll miss seeing my cube-neighbor every morning.

i'll miss the people whose names i don't know but i talked to in the kitchen every morning.

i'm so, so, so immensely grateful to have the opportunity to work from home.

i'm just really struggling with the corporate overlords hyper focus on numbers and productivity and not leaving ANY room for work flow shift as we all adjust to this new normal. i'm struggling giving even the tiniest rats ass about an auto dealership in texas getting fiber internet installed right now. which is...what i do. so.  you know. gotta figure that part out.

i'm nervous about 2x daily group team chats. my new "office" is in my bedroom. because...studio apartment. the potential awkward is off the charts.

i'm nervous about disconnecting at the end of the day. about remember what day it is. i'm already struggling wanting to spend "just a little bit of extra off the clock time" going through file names and cleaning up how things are saved in files i know other people access. now that we're all working from home i have this (virgo) need to organize everything since people won't be able to pop by my cubicle real quick to ask a question.

i worry that i'll be the weak link that will make everyone else not be able to get things done remotely.

i worry that i've only been at this job 4 1/2 months and still barely know my ass from my elbow.

i'm pretty mad at myself right now for never figuring out how to be a stay at home mom or a stay at home partner.

i would give anything right now for my biggest problem to be worrying about how to get acrylic nails off at home since salons are closed and it would be mortifying for anyone to see my nails grown out (real post from a fb group).

OH THE HORROR.

but, alas, i am not a stay at home wife or partner.


i'm still the same, single, social pariah i was last week.

which leads into some of the really bad stuff in my head this week.

my oldest son had to be on a nebulizer for years.  twice a day breathing treatments. we'd put the little drops in the machine and he would wear the darth vader mask while watching a veggie tales video.

the doctors were never able to tell us WHY we had to do that. he didn't have allergies. he didn't have asthma. we found out later, during a growth spurt, that he has sunken chest syndrome where the cartilage on his ribs on one side curves IN instead of OUT. did that cause it? there's one corrective treatment for it...they basically cut you in half and strap a metal rib cage to the cartilage and hope it corrects itself. that's it. we chose not to do that treatment.

does it still affect his breathing? does it make him more at risk for things like corona? i don't know.

last i knew he was living in the bellingham area.

ground zero for the united states.

would anyone even tell me if he got sick?

i doubt it.

my youngest son had early onset puberty at 6 months old. we started seeing pediatric endocrinologists. a few years later he had a reaction to an MMR shot and i discontinued immunizations for years because of how it affected him. this is why i keep my mouth shut about anti-vaxxer stuff. i don't know about for EVERYONE, but i watched it directly and extremely markedly affect my son.

we had *just* moved out of a domestic violence situation. he had JUST started interacting with people. talking. walking. engaging. social. happy. bubbly. got his mmr shot and that all went away.

so we stopped vaccines. instead we did speech therapy, reading therapy, behavior therapy. mentors and tutors and intervention programs at school. we started them again when he was 13 and the local school district stopped allowing medical exemptions for school records.

as he was 13 and in charge of all his medical decisions, i explained why i had stopped the shots, explained what i saw were the risks and the benefits and he made the decision to get caught up on his shots.

within a few months his behaviors had completely changed. his attitude was different. his reasoning, his discussions, his interactions. his behaviors at school started to fall apart. he started running away, getting into drugs, getting into fights, arguing with police officers.

regular teenage hormones + high school + friend influence? or some form of an allergic reaction that altered him again, the same way it did when he was a baby?

I DON'T KNOW.

does it affect his health now? does his pattern of high risk behavior put him more at risk for contracting/spreading this virus?

again, would anyone tell me if he got sick?

my mother is somewhere in alabama. she'll be 65 this year. she has ankylosing spondylitis in conjunction with iritis. the lifetime of medications from controlling those started causing pancreas issues years ago.

if she got sick would anyone tell me?

i have a brother who is a king county deputy.

a cop. in the middle of a pandemic. that started in his county.

and he goes to work every day. then goes home to his wife and 2 kids.

king county sent out a work-from-home notice a while ago. strangely enough his boss didn't agree to allow him to catch bad guys from his recliner. so it's a daily hi-ho and off to work for him.

luckily everyone else is dead.

grandparents all kicked off a long time ago.

i don't have to worry about my dad (also a cop) out in this.

i don't have to worry about my little brother living in seattle without insurance during this.


it's a weird feeling when you're glad people are dead.

and then there's me.

i'm the fucking worthless lump of nothing sitting in my apartment, 99% unaffected by any of what's happening and 100% unable to help with any of it.


i'm still fucking broke.

as much as i want to, i have zero ability to support local businesses trying to get through this.

I WISH i could order food from local restaurants. i fucking LOATHE cooking, even in the best of times.

I WISH i could sign up for online yoga and zumba and work out classes. even if i could afford it, i live on the third floor and we're ALL stuck at home and i really don't think my neighbors want to listen to elephant on parade every day.

i don't know how to sew OR own a sewing machine. even if i did, you really, REALLY wouldn't want a mask made by me.

i could run errands for neighbors but that would include A) talking to my neighbors (the meth heads can fend for themselves), B) going out where all the fucking assholes that AREN'T taking precautions are, and C) doing shopping. something i can barely force myself to do, for myself, unless i am completely out of everything.

i'm not a musician. i'm not an artist. i'm not a comedienne. i don't have anything in particular to contribute to the online community.

my skill set is this:
-sitting completely still reading (the same books over and over) for hours on end.

-professional level social distancing. i've been getting stood up by dates for 21 years. i was social distancing before it was even a thing.

- subsiding on a diet of trash panda food

-hiding my emotions and feelings behind carefully crafted jokes and half stories.



so. yeah. i'm struggling right now.

there's nothing like a global pandemic to show you how completely useless you are.

so.

yeah. 

i'm struggling.

i don't have a particularly positive note to end this on.

and that annoys me.

complain as much as you want AS LONG AS YOU PROVIDE A SOLUTION.

fuck.

ok.

well. i'm still hunting for silver linings.

i'm still trying.

I'M WRITING EVEN WHEN IT'S BAD.

that's something.

i'm being honest.

i'm still putting this out there even though there's a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY loud voice in my head screaming with all it's might FUCK OFF YOU TWAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE IT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW? cry a little more you pathetic useless piece of shit from your comfy, colorful, safe apartment. you still have a job. you have plenty of food. you have puppy snuggles. suck it up buttercup.

but i've listened to that voice for years.

i've done the suck it up buttercup thing.

i've spent way too long keeping silent just because someone else has it worse.

there will ALWAYS be someone who has it worse.

growing up in the 80's taught me that.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY STARVING CHILDREN THERE ARE IN AFRICA?

so.

things are bad.

but i'm still here.

i made myself write this.

that's a start.

i knew starting this project there would be a LOT of changes. i knew anything could happen in a years time.

i did NOT expect this.

but.

i mean.

i'll get through it.

spoiler alert: i'm an asshole

holy crap ya'll.

what is even going on in the world right now?

i found myself struggling to write again this week.

day late.

again.

but this time is different.

i have been avoiding writing this week, not just unable to figure something out.

noticing the difference is important for me.

avoidance means i'm starting to slip a little.

when things go to shit, when i *SHOULD* be writing the most is when i tend to stop writing. historians all over are recommending everyone keep a journal right now. yes, every day is history, but especially right now, EVERY. DAY. IS HISTORY. the more voices we have recording it, the more accurate of a story we can tell later one. all the perspectives and experiences for future us to learn from.

i know this.

i'm recognizing this and not allowing myself to fall back into old patterns.

so, yeah.

i've been avoiding writing.

which means all this EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE junk is getting to me more than i'm acknowledging.

and if you don't acknowledge it, you can't deal with it.

ugh.

it is such a pain in my ass recognizing bad habits and making myself change my behaviors.

THIS IS HARD.

here we go.

this virus shit is scary and confusing and boring. as. fuck.

i don't know you can be bored and actively terrified at the same time, but welcome to the next few months.

i think that's the thing i'm having the hardest time with. i can't imagine anything lasting 6 weeks. as fast as our new cycle turns lately it feels like in a few days they'll (i don't know who "they" is) suddenly be like OOPS. TYPO. OUR BAD. and everything will just go back to normal.

but i know that's not the case.

i have friends teaching abroad in china that have already been on lock down since the beginning of the year. i've watched them adapt and figure out grocery deliveries. and how to teach from home. and art projects. they've made it. they're reaching the end.

and i have friends in seattle that are already a week ahead of where spokane is. they've already been on lock down. they've figured out how to support restaurants and grocery shop and they got a head start on figuring out schools and online symphonies and co-op virtual education and they're all helping each other make sure all the kids are getting fed and everyone is ok.

and now it's here in spokane. i have friends in self quarantine after known exposure, to help reduce risk. and the city is starting to figure it out a little bit. and we have a mayor who was a journalist for her entire career. she is very good at press conferences and assuring the public and i, i hope, actual journalism and research and fact finding and accurate reporting. i want to believe her in a time when it's hard to believe in any politician. and at work we've shifted to almost, i think, 50% work from home. several of the local restaurants are figuring out how to shift their business model to stay open. some are closing for the interim (my whisky wednesday spot is one of the latter). local grocery stores are actually HIRING to keep up with demand which maybe means some displaced service industry workers can find almost the same schedule work, late night/early morning stocking and baking.

we'll get there. as a whole, i believe we'll get there.

and then there's me.

i'm still at the office for now.

nothing has changed at home. 

i'm a pretty low risk person so my anxiety has been manageable. i go to work and go home. i don't have anyone i spend a significant amount of time with that i'm worried about infecting. it's me and stella. i do my groceries by pick up orders, same for basic supplies from target. it will be sad to say good bye to whisky wendesday, but, i mean, the whole purpose of whisky wednesdays was to make me go out where the people are. and that's cancelled. so. even one less thing to stress about. can't make myself feel terrible for staying in, again, when we're literally ordered to stay in.

there's 1001 memes around the internet about how it's the introvert's time to shine.

no thanks. you can keep the spotlight and just leave me the fuck alone.

i have always STRUGGLED to understand people who can't sit still.

2 hour wait at the doctors office? meh. binge watching an entire season on netflix without moving (besides to shift positions)? typical. not leaving the house from friday evening til monday morning? do you know how hard i have to work to NOT do that? it takes me from friday night after work to convince myself to go out on sunday evening sometimes.

so really, nothing has changed for me.

i only buy basic supplies every few months anyway since it's only me. i buy 2 packs of things when i can because that's how it works when you're broke: buy it when you can (and the value packs are cheaper! thanks colgate!).

i bought groceries but i still hate to cook.

i think i'm having some sort of weird preemptive survivors guilt? which possibly means i just jinxed myself. congratulations to the beneficiaries of my will.

i feel guilty that i work for a great corporation, my health insurance has kicked in, we haven't been laid off, they're actively working with employees to make sure everyone has what they need during this. 

i feel guilty that i'm done being a mom. i don't have to worry about school being cancelled. i don't have to worry about a grocery bill tripling. i don't have to worry about another person if a quarantine does happen. it feels incredibly selfish and terrible to feel so relived.

i'm glad i got knocked up at 17. if i had waited and had kids NOW? omg. i know that's such an asshole thing to say when i know so many people that DO have kids right now. i am so so so sorry, but i am so glad it's not me. FUCK i'm an asshole.

but at the same time, i went through Y2K when my oldest son was a toddler. and 9/11 the next year. i went through all the viruses since 2003 with BOTH of them, and they were both sick- one respiratory and one without vaccines (after a reaction, he's caught up now). also, we went through literal death and fire.

i know what living through sheer terror as a parent is. i'm sorry you're all experiencing it now, but i am so relieved my turn at the post is over.

ya'll remember y2k? when the world was going to end? and banks were going to collapse? and the world as we knew it was going to grind to a screeching halt? and people were stockpiling water and supplies? and, i don't know, taking your baby's bottle liners and stuffing each liner with $100 bill, rolling it all back up, and tucking it away? and people were encouraging you to really consider murder suicide since you had a small child and you wouldn't want them to have to survive the end of times? maybe it was a little more traumatic since i worked at a power plant at the time. or maybe because i had a bat shit crazy evangelical mother.

who knows.

but i know i'm spending too much time on social media. i can feel my mental health starting to crack the more i read the headlines and the fighting and the blaming and the lying around and around in circles.

i wish there was a way to just ignore all the news, ALL OF IT until someone shoots off an all clear flare.

like italy can just all turn off the news until further notice and when things are all clear the Vatican will send out a puff out green smoke.

ya'll just stay home and wait for the signal.

(btw: has anyone checked on the vatican? that's the THE central gathering place of super old dudes.)

i grew up in a town where every day at noon the fire whistle would go off. the entire town could hear it.

let's go back to that.

but it still feels like i'm stuck in this cone of silence. like everything is happening around me and i'm just...here. it's incredibly surreal.

i'm going to bed tonight at a reasonable-ish time (face care is already done, as soon as i wrap this up i'm out like a light.)

i'll go to work tomorrow.

i'll come home from work tomorrow.

i'm hang out til bedtime.

i'll get up and go to work the next day...

and then it will be a weekend.

and then another week.

i'm bored.

while the world is ending around me.

fuck i'm an asshole.

when it's nice to be boring

i've been struggling with what to write this week...late to my own deadline.

sounds about right.

but i was struggling with what to write because there were no BIG MOMENTS. there was no massive break through, no life altering realizations, no major transformative moments.

and fuck if realizing that wasn't a relief.

whew.

it's been a FEW WEEKS for me ya'll. no child support! sliding down the kinsey scale! overcoming the massive fear of posting a video.

just...existing ya'll.

it's a weird feeling with everything going on right now.

am i inside the funnel? the cone of silence?

the world is a hot mess right now.

pandemics, politics, asteroid...

it's a lot.

but i feel like i'm just kickin back watching it all.

weird how i'll have a MASSIVE panic attack about my ability to retroactively pay daycare bills, but the pending end of the world is just like..meh.

not to be a total asshole, but things are really boring for me right now.

quarantine at home when you're not at work?

CHECK

excuse to openly wipe off your desk after gross people touch it?

CHECK.

politics?

i already voted. hit me up in november if we're all still around then. #bluenomatterwho

this week i just got to sit.

i meditated/did yoga under the full moon for about 4 hours last night BECAUSE I COULD. do you know how relaxing it is to just focus on gentle stretching and clearing your mind FOR FOUR HOURS?

do you know the last time i just took as long as i wanted to intentionally do nothing?

ok. so last weekend. shut up.

THIS WAS INTENTIONAL, NOT JUST LAZY.

self care ya'll. 

WHO CARES IF IT'S CHEESY AND CLICHE?

yeah everyone loves it, CAUSE IT'S AWESOME.

you bet your ass i have a NAMASTE pillow on my bed.

it's nice to not have anything specific to report. just kickin it. still broke as fuck. still listening to music and practicing multiple The Voice auditions FULL VOLUME. my poor neighbors.

i'm getting back into reading. i splurged last week with tax return money and bought three books:

Faking It by Lux Alptraum available: here

Never Have I Ever by Joshilyn Jackson available: here

sold on a monday by Kristina McMorris: GOODREADS

still also reading

The Italian Wife by Kate Furnival available: here

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told by Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman: GOODREADS

but yeah.

it was a boring as fuck week.

i take another, please.

welcome to my home

in the first post for this project i mentioned maybe doing a video.

i've explained a few times before, so bear with me if this repetitious.

when i write it's like i'm having a conversation with someone sitting across from me. maybe when people read, it's the same thing.

i hope it is.

so, i wanted to show ya'll my home, where i'm doing the writing, where these "conversations" are happening.

i want anyone reading to feel like they're sitting in my living room with me having these discussions.

my adorable, weird, colorful, living room. 

i reached out to a friend who has an outstanding career in film including television, movies, web shorts, music videos, hair cut videos...you name it. he is outstandingly skilled, incredibly talented, and unfailingly kind. years ago after having my gallbladder removed he stopped by to bring me chocolate cake and check in on me. just because. he's that kind of person. the guy that volunteers to make a Make-A-Wish video. 

and he so so so graciously accepted my request for help with this video. 


and now, with much trepidation and immense nerves, i present:
The Project: The Goal