spoiler alert: i'm an asshole

holy crap ya'll.

what is even going on in the world right now?

i found myself struggling to write again this week.

day late.

again.

but this time is different.

i have been avoiding writing this week, not just unable to figure something out.

noticing the difference is important for me.

avoidance means i'm starting to slip a little.

when things go to shit, when i *SHOULD* be writing the most is when i tend to stop writing. historians all over are recommending everyone keep a journal right now. yes, every day is history, but especially right now, EVERY. DAY. IS HISTORY. the more voices we have recording it, the more accurate of a story we can tell later one. all the perspectives and experiences for future us to learn from.

i know this.

i'm recognizing this and not allowing myself to fall back into old patterns.

so, yeah.

i've been avoiding writing.

which means all this EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE junk is getting to me more than i'm acknowledging.

and if you don't acknowledge it, you can't deal with it.

ugh.

it is such a pain in my ass recognizing bad habits and making myself change my behaviors.

THIS IS HARD.

here we go.

this virus shit is scary and confusing and boring. as. fuck.

i don't know you can be bored and actively terrified at the same time, but welcome to the next few months.

i think that's the thing i'm having the hardest time with. i can't imagine anything lasting 6 weeks. as fast as our new cycle turns lately it feels like in a few days they'll (i don't know who "they" is) suddenly be like OOPS. TYPO. OUR BAD. and everything will just go back to normal.

but i know that's not the case.

i have friends teaching abroad in china that have already been on lock down since the beginning of the year. i've watched them adapt and figure out grocery deliveries. and how to teach from home. and art projects. they've made it. they're reaching the end.

and i have friends in seattle that are already a week ahead of where spokane is. they've already been on lock down. they've figured out how to support restaurants and grocery shop and they got a head start on figuring out schools and online symphonies and co-op virtual education and they're all helping each other make sure all the kids are getting fed and everyone is ok.

and now it's here in spokane. i have friends in self quarantine after known exposure, to help reduce risk. and the city is starting to figure it out a little bit. and we have a mayor who was a journalist for her entire career. she is very good at press conferences and assuring the public and i, i hope, actual journalism and research and fact finding and accurate reporting. i want to believe her in a time when it's hard to believe in any politician. and at work we've shifted to almost, i think, 50% work from home. several of the local restaurants are figuring out how to shift their business model to stay open. some are closing for the interim (my whisky wednesday spot is one of the latter). local grocery stores are actually HIRING to keep up with demand which maybe means some displaced service industry workers can find almost the same schedule work, late night/early morning stocking and baking.

we'll get there. as a whole, i believe we'll get there.

and then there's me.

i'm still at the office for now.

nothing has changed at home. 

i'm a pretty low risk person so my anxiety has been manageable. i go to work and go home. i don't have anyone i spend a significant amount of time with that i'm worried about infecting. it's me and stella. i do my groceries by pick up orders, same for basic supplies from target. it will be sad to say good bye to whisky wendesday, but, i mean, the whole purpose of whisky wednesdays was to make me go out where the people are. and that's cancelled. so. even one less thing to stress about. can't make myself feel terrible for staying in, again, when we're literally ordered to stay in.

there's 1001 memes around the internet about how it's the introvert's time to shine.

no thanks. you can keep the spotlight and just leave me the fuck alone.

i have always STRUGGLED to understand people who can't sit still.

2 hour wait at the doctors office? meh. binge watching an entire season on netflix without moving (besides to shift positions)? typical. not leaving the house from friday evening til monday morning? do you know how hard i have to work to NOT do that? it takes me from friday night after work to convince myself to go out on sunday evening sometimes.

so really, nothing has changed for me.

i only buy basic supplies every few months anyway since it's only me. i buy 2 packs of things when i can because that's how it works when you're broke: buy it when you can (and the value packs are cheaper! thanks colgate!).

i bought groceries but i still hate to cook.

i think i'm having some sort of weird preemptive survivors guilt? which possibly means i just jinxed myself. congratulations to the beneficiaries of my will.

i feel guilty that i work for a great corporation, my health insurance has kicked in, we haven't been laid off, they're actively working with employees to make sure everyone has what they need during this. 

i feel guilty that i'm done being a mom. i don't have to worry about school being cancelled. i don't have to worry about a grocery bill tripling. i don't have to worry about another person if a quarantine does happen. it feels incredibly selfish and terrible to feel so relived.

i'm glad i got knocked up at 17. if i had waited and had kids NOW? omg. i know that's such an asshole thing to say when i know so many people that DO have kids right now. i am so so so sorry, but i am so glad it's not me. FUCK i'm an asshole.

but at the same time, i went through Y2K when my oldest son was a toddler. and 9/11 the next year. i went through all the viruses since 2003 with BOTH of them, and they were both sick- one respiratory and one without vaccines (after a reaction, he's caught up now). also, we went through literal death and fire.

i know what living through sheer terror as a parent is. i'm sorry you're all experiencing it now, but i am so relieved my turn at the post is over.

ya'll remember y2k? when the world was going to end? and banks were going to collapse? and the world as we knew it was going to grind to a screeching halt? and people were stockpiling water and supplies? and, i don't know, taking your baby's bottle liners and stuffing each liner with $100 bill, rolling it all back up, and tucking it away? and people were encouraging you to really consider murder suicide since you had a small child and you wouldn't want them to have to survive the end of times? maybe it was a little more traumatic since i worked at a power plant at the time. or maybe because i had a bat shit crazy evangelical mother.

who knows.

but i know i'm spending too much time on social media. i can feel my mental health starting to crack the more i read the headlines and the fighting and the blaming and the lying around and around in circles.

i wish there was a way to just ignore all the news, ALL OF IT until someone shoots off an all clear flare.

like italy can just all turn off the news until further notice and when things are all clear the Vatican will send out a puff out green smoke.

ya'll just stay home and wait for the signal.

(btw: has anyone checked on the vatican? that's the THE central gathering place of super old dudes.)

i grew up in a town where every day at noon the fire whistle would go off. the entire town could hear it.

let's go back to that.

but it still feels like i'm stuck in this cone of silence. like everything is happening around me and i'm just...here. it's incredibly surreal.

i'm going to bed tonight at a reasonable-ish time (face care is already done, as soon as i wrap this up i'm out like a light.)

i'll go to work tomorrow.

i'll come home from work tomorrow.

i'm hang out til bedtime.

i'll get up and go to work the next day...

and then it will be a weekend.

and then another week.

i'm bored.

while the world is ending around me.

fuck i'm an asshole.