growing up

it turns out, one of the hardest parts of growing up is admitting when you've been an absolute cunt for absolutely no reason other than your own issues.

 

years ago, in the og days of the twitter machine, there was a local twitterer that i decided to have beef with:

 

this person had the sheer audacity to set goals and achieve them.

CAN. YOU. IMAGINE?

 

one of her goals was to write/publish a book. and she did. and i bought it and read it. and it was good.

AND HOLY FUCK DID THAT MAKE ME MAD.

HOW. FUCKING. DARE. SHE?

i've been talking about writing and publishing MY WHOLE LIFE. and through my own procrastination and self doubt and general unending ability to create the shittiest excuses of all time, i completely slacked off and never did it.

and she just...did it? 

how dare she set goals and achieve them. the nerve of some people.

yeah. i'm a giant cunt.

turns out she's a completely AMAZING human being and i missed out on years of a possible friendship because of my own petty jealousies.

so. you know. don't be like me.

 

take a minute to look at the irritating spots. the harsh judgements. what is it that really bothers you?

it's uncomfortable. it really is. for me, most of the deep irritations boil down to my own ego.

 

with my kids i really, really struggled in the ways they were like me. i really dug in and fought because i know how hard it's been to BE ME. i didn't want that for them. instead of finding a way to make it better for both of us, i fought it. i wanted to change them and resented that they couldn't change any more than i could. i think there's a lot of damage there on all sides.

with other people it's been my own issues- ending relationships because they cared too much. there must be something wrong with them if they like me. with friendships- i mean fuck. being mad at someone for achieving an AMAZING goal instead of being a cheerleader? that's just petty jealousy.

growing up means learning to set that aside.

talking to my kid about being like me. why it's been hard. what i've learned that makes it better. being able to gently show him how i'm learning to settle into my own skin.

 

meeting people for coffee and realizing how much potential i've missed out on over the years and making the conscious decision to shift the way i view other's success.

 

letting the really nice guy say that he likes me and believing him instead of trying to prove to him why he shouldn't.

growing up is hard yo.

well, okay then.

 whew.

 

today was A DAY.

 

yesterday morning, my boss was let go with no notice.

 

this morning the owner let me know they were eliminating my position, effective immediately.

 

so. 

 

holy fuck.

 

that sucks.

i cried all the way home, got a big pity party size latte, took a hot shower to wash all the snot off, and updated my resume.

onward.

the universe wasn't fucking around during my last card pull when EVERY. SINGLE. THING. SAID. CHANGE.

so. let's talk about some of that change.

a year ago when i was fired, i knew it was coming. i had a little time to prepare. it was still terrifying.

this time?

no notice. none. and yet? i'm ok.

this too shall pass.

i have enough to cover october rent and car payment, i'll find a job by the next one. everyone is hiring, so, i got this.

i know i have friends. i know i have support. i know i can land on my feet. again. is that a job? landing on your feet when life fucks you up? i'd be a fucking pro at that.

i know things are different now. my first thought was: well, this sucks. time to go home and meditate and clear my mind and make a plan.

no panic. no chaos. maybe that will hit on monday when i don't have anywhere to go.

but for now? i'm ok. my bills are caught up. stella has a full food container. my car is fixed. my license is renewed. i have enough weed to get through. priorities.

that's two huge things right there: my license, and my car is fixed.

have you been to the DMV lately? it's FANTASTIC. they only let a few people in at a time and it's by appointment, so you're in and out in under 20 minutes. it was so easy. covid may have fucked up...well, 99% of things, but it fixed the DMV!

i'm proud of myself. it sounds like a dumb or trivial thing, but i did it. i remembered to put it into the budget, i went literally from the bank to the DMV on payday on my lunch break and got my license renewed. i had a good hair day, a cute sweater, clear skin, a fresh paycheck, and a weight 30 lbs less than 10 years ago. the stars were only aligned for a nanosecond and i caught it!

also, my cooper is fixed! poor ginger broke her butt. rear taillight went out, turns out it wasn't *just* the bulbs (of course, she's a mini, it's never *just anything for her) it was the whole tail light assembly and plug.

FUCK MY LIFE.

however, the mechanic is an absolute good guy and found the part numbers for me to order off amazon and popped by after work one night to swap it out for me after the parts got here. absolutely saved me hundreds in parts/shop fees.

let me tell you the ANXIETY i had for days when my license was expired AND my tail light was out. good lord. if i had been pulled over, they would have taken one look at my tattoos and given me every citation possible. WHEW. both taken care of.

and the mechanic asked me to join him for a burger and a beer. so. win win.

other good things: my eyebrow appointment tomorrow is the *last* one in my pack. WOOT! brows will be ON FLEEK for interviews. don't tell them i still use "on fleek" if someone calls for a reference.

and i was able to get my lease signed for another 6 months at a less-than-it-started-at increase price. that's amazing. really got sketchy there for a minute. i did find out the "fire inspection" also included ALL of the management team. so, instead of two people in my apartment it was a GROUP of people, AND it was the people i've been fighting with for the last several months. all up in my space. with shady/not fully notified notice. but. i'm tired of fighting. i'm terrified ALREADY of being homeless, now today...

BUT. i have a 6 month lease. i have this month's rent. i have time to find a new job. i got this.

this too shall pass. i might not stick the landing, there may be a stutter step or two ahead. but i got this.

i've worked so hard on maintaining my mental health, my physical health, my financial health and it's paying off.

this time i skipped the shame spiral (mostly). i skipped the self loathing and the unending list of every mistake i've made ever and why i'm the most terrible employee of all time. meh. just makes my eyes puffy and gives me a gnarly headache. who needs either of those?

SO.

it's friday. it's 5:00 somewhere.

the sun is out, the windows are wide open. tonight i will meditate and recenter and refresh and get everything sorted out.

onward!