the world is trash and i hate everything

so. normally when i write i try to not whine, not pity party, not complain without solution, i try to find some silver lining. i try to...i don't know what the fuck i try to do.

i vomit out what's in my brain, but through a filter.

filter is fucking off today.

i fucking hate EVERYTHING.

i fucking LOATHE my job. this isn't the first job i've said that about but this is the worst.

i had a job where the girlfriend of the owner threatened to burn down the building with me inside (she thought i slept with him to get the job. not so much).

i had a job where a coworker would grope my breasts every time he walked by my desk (and the female owner let him apologize by hugging me).

i had a job where i was accused of trying to blackmail the boss AFTER i had already resigned (because i turned him in to HR for illegally bypassing the bidding process for on site contractor work).

i had a job where i listened to coworkers complain about what trash single moms are. the same coworker would go on racist rants about the BLM movement (back during the ferguson protests), LGBTQIA, any minority group.

i had a job where the owner defended a political manifesto stating gays should be killed if they wouldn't convert to being straight.

i had a job where the owner was a literal pimp (it was a furniture store as a cover business).

but this job...holy fuck man. this job is worse than all those. i've been employed a little over 9 months and i dread waking up every day. my entire job is to spend all day talking to comcast, verizon, att, all the nationally recognized WORST customer service platforms. all while corporate is shoving metrics and performance requirements down our throats while in the midst of a pandemic that has us working from home, paying for our own internet and now requiring us to use our personal devices to "help" transition their platform update (with zero compensation). they promise a great insurance package and forget to tell you the deductible is cost prohibitive. they intentionally list their jobs with zero insight into what the *actual* work is, and then require you to be a specialist from your first day on the job (even with zero training) while paying a non-living wage. they have an HR team that pretends to care and want to help and then management that punishes you for speaking out. they have executive leadership telling us we need to make sure to use our vacation time because it costs the company too much money if we don't.

WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE A VACATION RIGHT NOW YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING TWATS?

i dread clocking in every day. i cry on a daily basis because i hate it SO MUCH.

and so i try to find something else. 

i apply to any and every job i might even tangentially be qualified for or be able to learn.

i search every job board i can find on a daily basis.

i go on IN PERSON interviews, during a fucking pandemic, just to never ever hear from a fucking company again.

I RISKED GOING TO AN HVAC COMPANY FOR AN INTERVIEW JUST TO BE GHOSTED.

a fucking HVAC company. their 50 employees are in and out of houses and businesses ALL DAY LONG. and i risked going there for an in person interview just to be fucking treated like i don't fucking exist. just straight up ghosted. "...we'll call you tomorrow either way..." and expect me to fucking believe it.

i've lost a handful of friends since this fucking pandemic bullshit started and i didn't have many to begin with.

i've been isolated for MONTHS with my only human interaction being the curb side pick up orders at target or fred meyer. 

even stella is fucking sick of me.

i have daily thoughts of death again.

my anxiety is off the fucking charts.

i smoke weed constantly to try to calm my thoughts and allow my mind a few minutes of non-terrible death filled thinking only to be told i can't apply for jobs because they drug screen.

i fucking HATE everything.

i'm lonely.

i'm terrified.

i have no one to TALK to and bounce ideas off and stop me when i spiral.

yeah, i can snapchat or text but it isn't the same.

i'm just....

it's bad right now.

july is the start of a few fucking MONTHS for me every year. and i know memories only hold the power we let them. i know we control our own thoughts.

buy july is when tyra and roman died. when steve had his TBI that led to his suicide. july is my mother's and my oldest son's birthday. july leads into august when my dad and anne and christopher died.

i fucking DREAD this time of year. all the milestones.

this year is 10 years since my dad died.

ten fucking years.

what happened in the last 10 years? i had to cut all communication with my mother because she chooses to stay married to a pedophile. both my kids had to leave my home due to violence and threats (and drugs for the younger one). my career has been absolutely destroyed. my finances have been gutted. my mental heath has been absolutely wrecked.

and i know.

I KNOW ALL THE FUCKING THINGS.

i know i have to be the one to change my thinking and my behaviors.

i have to be the one to make things better.

i have to find the positive. i have to find the solutions. i have to...all the self help books. i get it.  i know.

i know if you only focus on the negative, the negative will be all you see.

i know good things have happened. i do have good memories and good experiences. 

but they're fucking few and far between.
 
and i'm so fucking tired.

i've been trying to make things better for 22 years, alone, with no help.

i've done therapy. financial workshops. tried to learn cooking. educated myself. tried new things. searched for better answers. tried every out of the box idea. i've done religion, spirituality. i've meditated and prayed and tried fucking tarot cards.

i have tried for twenty two years to make a better life and here i am.

and i fucking hate it and everything is terrible.

i'm tired of middle aged white dudes fucking up my career.

i'm tired of all ages of dudes fucking up my self worth and self image.

i'm tired of abusive relationships and shitty behaviors.

i'm tired of rape and sexual assault.

i'm tired of body shaming and mocking my intelligence and my beliefs.

i'm fucking tired.

i'm tired of constantly feeling not enough. worthless.

i'm tired of being told over and over it's my fault. it's up to me. i have to make it better.

I'VE BEEN TRYING MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE TO MAKE ME BETTER.

and i'm still a fucking pile of shit that gets stepped on and ground down.

i'm tired of being the one trying to sort out and change generational trauma.

i'm fucking tired.

i don't know what else to do.

i don't know what else to try.

i need fucking help.

i need someone to help me process ideas. someone to listen and rell me when i'm being a fucking asshole and when it's fucking valid.

i need someone to hug me and stroke my hair and tell me it will be all right even if it won't be.

i need someone else to worry about the groceries and the bills and the laundry and meals and cleaning.

stella will help with the eating, but she's absolute shit at meal prep.

i fucking hate everything so much.

everything feels like swimming through quicksand with fucking cement shoes right now.

oh, and the world is fucking ending too.

i hate it all. all of it.

i'm so fucking tired.