acceptance

one of the most annoying things possible is when the universe thinks it's being funny.

i sat down to meditate tonight and asked the universe for a word to focus on.

things have been...pretty rough lately. it's been getting pretty dark.

i had a meeting today that could possibly result in some major stress relief (intentionally vague until the outcome is settled), but right now i have all this stress in my brain. this meeting, work, life, the world, and with everything going on and is now the right time for ANYTHING? but now is the only time we have...my brain has just been on full OVERTHINK mode, so i decided to use my therapy tools, do what i know works for me and sit down and meditate on it.

and i asked the universe for a word to focus my meditation on:

ACCEPTANCE

backtrack just a bit: one of my forms of stress relief the last few weeks has been crafting and making things (and plants. so many plants). one of the projects that i did was using some of the clay you can bake to make a bunch of little meditation stones. they're nothing fancy, just little discs of all shapes and sizes.

words are incredibly powerful to me, so i'm taking these meditation stones and writing the words that are given to me when i meditate. reminders of different moments of struggle or clarity or insight or just MOMENTS.

and tonight when i asked for a word to write down, the word was ACCEPTANCE.

i am, if nothing else, a complete nerd, and, in true nerd fashion, i wanted to make sure i had an accurate definition before i started meditating.

so i looked up acceptance.

if you're me, in my brain, i think of acceptance as: well fuck. this is going to suck but i gotta get through it. grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things i cannot change.

the definition technically is: willingness to tolerate a difficult situation.

*sigh*

yup.

that sounds about right.

learn to accept things. learn to tolerate things. be willing to trudge through the shit storm.

but then the universe, in it's grand sense of humor, reminded me via google of the OTHER meaning of acceptance:

the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.

you get ACCEPTED into college. you accept a marriage proposal. you accept an award.

 
and, i just have to say. DAMN IT UNIVERSE.  well played, good sir, well played.

for real though, how fucking annoying is that? here's a word that can have two VERY different meanings. HAVE FUN MEDITATING ON THAT ONE.

i'm so annoyed.

but, meditate i did and it really hit like a 2x4: HEY DUMBASS. MAYBE QUIT FOCUSING ON JUST THE NEGATIVE? stop letting that be your knee jerk reaction to everything? 

the first direction my brain went with the word was the negative connotation. the depressing connotation. the ugly perspective. of course i have to ACCEPT whatever is coming. UGH. FINE. whatever. i don't get it but i'll find a way to deal with it.

i get in this...trench of survival and negativity and here's this whole other perspective sitting out there just being like HEY, WHAT'S UP? I'M A POSSIBILITY TOO YOU KNOW!

not so gentle reminder from the universe that i have A LOT of work still to do on perspective.

that's hard ALL THE TIME, let alone in the middle of a giant shit sandwich.

i need to remember that there's still good out there. there's still an ember of hope glowing among the ashes.

and not to be too much of a drama queen, but holy fuck am i sitting on a massive pile of ashes.

i feel like job and i could kick it over a cup of coffee and really bond.

if you're not familiar with the parable of job, basically god and satan got in a pissing match and decided to FUCK UP this dudes life to settle a bet. they took away his farm, his family, his health, they just massively WRECKED this dudes entire life. it was to the point job was sitting on a pile of ashes, rending his garments SCREAMING at the heavens. and holy fuck do i feel that.

i've lost my family, battled mental health, money is gone, jobs have come and gone. i have had *plenty* of nights of screaming at the heavens.

but somewhere in that giant pile of ashes there is still a glowing ember of good. of hope.

i have to admit, this isn't the first time the universe has kicked my ass about this lesson.

i tend to find negative things really easy. it's easier to believe the bad over the good. it's easier to just know things are going to go against you. it's just easier not to get your hopes up. it's less painful to plan on everything being terrible from the beginning.

i see the daily headlines and i think, "...oh, well yeah. of course."

all the bad news, all the BREAKING HEADLINES, all the uncovered secrets, all the terrible, terrible things people do...it doesn't surprise me. of course things are terrible. of course people do terrible things.

DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT?

how are people still shocked by the pure ugly nasty nature of human beings?

doesn't everyone experience/see that on a regular basis?

maybe it's a trauma response. maybe it's a bad habit. maybe it's a pessimistic personality.

the negative has always made sense to me. it's easier to believe. easier to grasp. easier to understand.

even when something good happens, my initial reaction is, "...what's the catch?' or "...wait for it..." 

i don't even allow myself a moment to enjoy the good that's happening because i'm so caught up in looking for the negative. i'm waiting for the 2 on a 1-2 punch.

BUT

there's still good.

even if i haven't learned to sit in the moment, there is still good happening.

good things still happen. people are still nice and kind and thoughtful. people still help each other. friends still lend a shoulder to cry on. strangers still pay it forward at a drive thru. the good guy does win sometimes. 


i don't know what will happen tomorrow or a week from tomorrow.

i don't know if it will be good or bad.

probably plenty of both.

but i do know there's more than one negative option.

not just a willingness to tolerate a difficult situation.

the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.

i need to work on seeing more than one thing. i need to work on looking for the positive. i need to work on finding more perspectives.

acceptance.

universe, you tricky bastard, thanks for the reminder.