what do you do?

**TRIGGER WARNINGS**

i don't even know what triggers this sets off besides ALL of them.



last night my 16 year old son added me to instagram.

it was a surprise to say the least.

i haven't heard much from him since november.

there were a few angry/accusatory texts shortly after he moved.

a thank you text for his birthday gift in march.

there was a very angry/rude call a few weeks ago demanding an unknown password for an old iphone before being hung up on.

so to receive an instagram notice that he followed me was strange.

instagram was how he communicated for a very brief amount of time, so part of me was maybe even a little hopeful...is this the start of a reconciliation?

out of curiosity i clicked on his profile to see what he's been up to.

the first picture, just added to his story, right before following me, was a semi-automatic weapon laid out with the caption "colorado keeps getting better."

well.

thats.

terrifying.

colorado is where my ex-husband lives. the one that i had to divorce due to domestic violence.

so.

my 16 year old son who has threatened to kill himself and kill me is visiting my abuser in colorado.

and he posted a picture of a semi-automatic weapon directly before following me.

it felt like a direct attack.

he intentionally added me to make sure i saw the picture of the gun and the fact that he's in colorado.

i clicked on the second picture and it is of him getting a tattoo that reads something about family not being blood.

my 16 year old, getting a tattoo. about family not being blood.

i understand the sentiment. but he's 16. getting a tattoo.

and for whatever reason i clicked on one more photo, one of him, to see what he looks like now. and one of the comments was from my mothers husband. the man that sexually assaulted me and was grooming my son for abuse before i cut off all contact with my mother.

three generations of abuse on one social media platform: the man who sexually assaulted me. the man who abused me. and my son who has threatened me.



it was not a good night at my house last night.

i feel directly threatened.

my son posted a picture of a semi-automatic weapon and then followed me.

i believe this was intentional.

do you know how horrible it is to have that thought about your own child?

do you know how much worse it is to believe he would injure or kill you?

your own child?

knowing, absolutely, sickeningly knowing, he's picturing you when he's target practicing?


and i think, even worse, more that how threatening that felt, is the feeling of realizing, completely and for absolute sure, that people don't believe you.

i have never, ever hidden the reason i left my husband. it was domestic violence. there was a restraining order in effect. it was an abusive marriage.

i have never hidden that my mother's husband is a sexual predator. i may not have always been blunt and detailed about what happened but i have never hidden the reason i cut all communication and ties with my mother.

and yet, in the 8 months since leaving my house, the adults in my son's life have allowed him to reconnect with the man that was grooming him for abuse and the man that did assault me.

they allowed him to reconnect with someone with a long history of domestic violence.

it is crystal clear that people don't believe me.

they think i'm wrong or being dramatic or being to sensitive or...or...or...WHATEVER excuse they told themselves to allow this to happen.

and now my son is low-key threatening me, or at leas taunting me.

i don't know how to deal with this.

i don't remember the full house episode that showed the squeaky clean 22 minute resolution to a situation like this.