who wouldn't want this?

so, you know the drill, the online dating profile is back up (has been for a while).

sheer boredom. onset of winter. needing the lawn mowed. whatever reason, it's back up again.

the "about me" section right now is pretty scant. i've always battled what to put in there- too much and no one will read it. too little and all you get are booty messages. too snarky and they all think you're a bitch. too plain and you aren't who you appear to be if you happen to meet anyone in person.

today (late last night but i was too lazy to write then) i decided to just say FUCK IT and write a profile that _I_ like and who the fuck cares if anyone else really likes it. i mean- honestly? the online dating world is NOT where to find a tolerable ever after. may as well have a little fun and throw it all out there. right?

so. here's the profile i'll be posting tonight:

i love taco bell more than anyone should. i try to balance it out with green smoothies, quinoa and good old fashioned home cooking but i more often than not succumb to the siren song of the cheesy fake meat goodness.

i am not the girl to take on a hike. like- EVER. but, i am the girl that will go on a 3 mile fundraiser walk in the rain on a saturday morning with you. i rock the hell out of a mom suit (you know, the kind with the skirt attached) and LOVE being near water if you don't mind spending a few hours spraying me down with spf 70 so i don't flash burn in the sun like the pretend vampires in those crappy teen movies (which i have watched and read. don't judge me). that's about as sporty as i get.

i've managed to keep two spawns, a dog and assorted plants alive for quite a while without major trauma (aside from a few staples in the head- the spawns, not the dog). one of the spawn is officially in high school now which, of course, means that i've lost all my intelligence for the next several years. hope you don't mind.  i've tried like h-e-double hockey sticks to raise my spawns to be open minded and accepting which can lead to some pretty interesting conversations around our house. the same extends to my friends and my non-blood family. my house is a safe zone to everyone- no judgement, open and respectful conversations.

i do have the holy trifecta: house, car, job. i pay my bills, make sure there's food in the fridge, and still manage to go out on occasion and buy myself a beer or two (on $1 pbr night anyway).

i'm a nerd of the book variety- as in there's a really expensive piece of paper somewhere in my house saying i love books enough to wade through four years of college to prove it. as such, i reserve the right to a certain amount of snobbery. i prefer my gentlemen with the ability to create full sentences, maintain an actual full conversation, and maybe, PERHAPS, not require me to pick them up at their mom's house before a date.

as to the million dollar question: what am i looking for? in a perfect world it would be joseph gordon-levitt. i mean really- a guy that can reenact singin in the rain? what more could a girl ask for? BUT. i guess i'll settle for someone that likes to go out dancing or stay home and play cards against humanity. a guy that doesn't mind being around my spawns but doesn't feel the need to take over raising them (note: they're basically done. they can do their own laundry and cook a totino's pizza. what more do you need? also: hopefully any potential candidate can at least do the same). someone who is willing to to accept my friends and is willing to introduce me to his. a sense of humor is a must- you won't make it five minutes in my universe without one. i want someone that has as much fun going to walmart as going out to a bar- fun is where you make it. you have to be as comfortable at the opera house for best of broadway as you are at the arena for a hockey game and you also have to be willing to enjoy an occasional glass of wine as well as a crappy cheap beer.

on the short list of move along son, nothing to see here:
if you've been to jail other than a monopoly game- no thanks.
if you "have swagger" get a shot for that ish and keep moving.
if you have to walk like a retarded duck to keep your pants on since you refuse to wear them at the proper level- maybe your time would be better spent belt (or pant) shopping. 
if you pop your collar. really. REALLY??
if you take longer than me getting ready in the morning- i'm shallow. i don't share my mirror or my hair products.
if you can't legally take me out for a drink, you can't take me out.

if you made it this far- hug a teacher for teaching you how to read.

if you're interested in jumping in the shark tank, dive on in, the water's fine (and by that i mean it hasn't turned blue from the special dye that means someone's peed in it yet. hurry up.)


SO. that's it kids. let's see what poor suckers fall for it.