poor ms. fluffington

i have to laugh a little bit when people say i'm a force to be reckoned with. i am the exact opposite of a confrontational person. sure, i'll think of a MILLION thing to say, but i'll never actually say any of them. i can draft and rewrite and rehearse the most powerful, poignant, eloquent, point hitting speeches IN MY HEAD. 
when it comes to actually confronting people or problems however: i'm useless. completely, totally, silently USELESS. i cry when i get too emotional- angry, frustrated, scared, mad, hurt, you name it, start the fucking waterworks. and not in a "oh, look at me throwing a crying fit" kind of way, just in the "this is a physiological response i can't help" kind of way. it's so fucking annoying. is there a surgery to remove tear ducts? that would be great.

why do i bring this up? because there's a few changes i need to make in my life and i'm TERRIFIED to confront them. there's people i need to deal with, issues that have long since needed put to bed, shit going on that just needs to be done and over.

and i just. can't. do. it.

i'm immobilized by the if's, and's and but's of it. you want to know the worst that can happen? i have the top 100 reactions to every situation in my mind, and trust me, i've gone over them a million times each. yes, this is what it's like to live with a brain that will never shut off.

worst part is, most times i do bite the bullet and just get something over with- the reaction is similar to what's in my head on the worst end of things. NOT ALWAYS, but a few times is all it takes to be terrified of a repeat.

i know i could say it all here, in type. i know i could exactly lay out every bullet point in logical, perfect order in a way i could NEVER do in a conversation. so why don't i? because i'm a chicken. i'm afraid that maybe someone will read it and want to have a discussion about it. i'm afraid that it will seem passive aggressive and wishy washy. i'm afraid that if i let myself rely on text then i'll never learn to put on my big girl panties and deal with things head on.

but i've got this quite splendid track record of train wrecks to prove why it's usually better to just keep my trap shut. so. damned if i do, damned if i don't. instead i just sit here drafting speeches that will never gain voice in my head, letting them rattle around over and over, driving myself just a little more cerebrally insane each day. it's quite delightful. well, in the way that fresh squeezed lemon juice on a paper cut is. 

i need to learn somehow how to have discussions that don't end in nuclear explosion brawls. i need to learn how to state my point, and listen to the rebuttal without getting offended or defensive. i need to learn how to talk to people before i'm at the quitting line.

welcome to every break up i've ever been through- friend or lover. a million little things that if discussed could have been resolved, but i let them back build until it's one giant rush of FUCK YOU I'M DONE! and tact and manners and decorum go out the window, every issue comes pouring out in the most verbally hurtful way, the torches come out, and some bridges get fucking burned. 

instead of a simple "you know, i'm quite unhappy with the situation."

it's becomes: "YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHAT AND I HATE EVERY LITTLE THING ABOUT YOU. i want to punch your mother in the vagina for giving birth to you. i want too build a delorian time machine and go back to nine months before you were born and slap your father in the face for even thinking about polluting your mother with his fuckwit juice. i want to feed your pet kitten ms. fluffington to a shark while you watch in horror. i want to tie you down and force feed you tofu while i eat a giant steak. i want to break ALL the chips in your brand new bag before you get any. YOU ASSHOLE."

so. i suppose that's another thing to add to the list of improvements for 2013. any ideas on how to practice?