renew you

i spent a whole weekend cleaning, rearranging, painting, working on my office so i would have a space to write, yet here i am snuggled up in bed tap tap tapping away on my laptop like the crazy nuthouse i am.

at least the office looks nice.

it seems lately as if there's a LOT going on but nothing at the same time- perception is 9/10ths of the law, right? pretty sure that's right.

it seems like there's days of nothing at all followed by days like today where it's 2am and i'm just finally calling it quits on my "things to do" list. that time management thing? GOT. IT. DOWN.

more like the insomnia thing- fucking olympic professional at that shiz.

fuck. i've written and deleted four paragraphs about all different things. seems like i can't quite decide which train of thought wants to leave the station first.

we'll start here: i was invited by a friend to a "renew you" weekly class (for lack of a better word) that he's providing to work on self improvement for 2013. since that's one of the things on top of my list for the year- PERFECT TIMING. i'll do it!

here's the thing- i'm chicken shit when it comes to working on myself.

well, not really. i'm pretty damn good at recognizing my own patterns, what i'm doing, why i'm doing it, whatever cause/source is behind it. the thing i'm SHITTY at is making a change. having all the knowledge is shit if you don't actually use it.

here's what i wasn't expecting: the first "assignment" for renew you is this:

"In order to transform our lives, we first must acknowledge and bear witness to the pain that
is behind our desire to change. The questions below are designed to guide you through the
process of acknowledging the area of discomfort, concern, or pain that is most important to you
at this time."

My first thought: well, i don't really have a desire to change, there's nothing really causing pain or discomfort that i can think of...

*blink blink*

umm...do i even read my own blogs?

*sigh*

the TRUTH IS: there's plenty of things causing pain, BUT if i don't poke them, they don't hurt. right? and if i can just keep playing by those rules things are hunky dory.

i mean- how much do i really want to dig up? how many problems do i actually want to deal with? that sounds like a LOT of work. i'm TOTALLY fine the way i am...right?

crap on a cracker.

then you get into the questions for this- what is wrong? how do you talk to friends about it? how certain are you that this is the problem? what has this problem cost you? if the problem were magically solved overnight, how would life change?

and THEN we throw in the mix: what KIND of problems am i supposed to be focusing on/fixing?

i mean, i have PLENTY but need a direction first!

do we start with my self loathing? my insecurities and self value? do we jump straight for the big guns and my inability to have a healthy relationship because i don't believe anyone can actually tolerate me long enough to put in the reciprocal effort? maybe the issues stemming from the fucked up relationship with my mother? the fact that i still haven't properly dealt with the death of my brother and my father?

or are we talking about issues like: don't do laundry every weekend like i should or have a bad habit of avoiding issues that i don't want to deal with (oh the irony...perhaps that's the place to start).

i got 99 issues and picking the first one to start working on just became one.

shitballs.

do i get points for at least knowing what my issues are even if i don't want to deal with them?


looks like that train left the station just fine.what's the next one?

new years goals update: i've been working on it!
had my first dinner party sunday night- LEARNING CURVE. things that need work: learning how to invite people. i invited just enough people or so i thought. only having limited space/dishes i kept the list small but varied, sent out invites and...forgot to follow up. awesome. it ended up that almost everyone didn't make it, BUT it was still fun with the two that did! and they were lucky enough to be sent home with TONS of left overs. SO: next month- invites, calls, messages, follow up, check in, GET PEOPLE HERE. also need to work on a way to let people know that while i wish i had a mary poppins house, i can't get every one in all at once and i don't want to be repeating the same people every month. i want to get to all the people that i've been saying "we need to get together" to for MONTHS (my poor aunt probably thinks i've forgotten about her...and my old co-workers). i don't want to offend people by leaving some out, but basic numbers say that it will happen. hmmm...should have taken those "mrs." classes in college. "proper table settings" and "how to invite your husbands boss to dinner" would be handy.

cooking at home: been doing that! see the above smashing success dinner party (at least in the food category. take the wins where you can.) maybe not the HEALTHIEST foods...after all, potato soup made with whipping cream can't exactly be #1 on the weight watchers list, but it's still better than processed fast food all the time...right? at least a smidge better i hope...

working out...ha ha ha ha ha. i'll get there eventually. i AM taking better care of myself though, so that's a start. daily vitamins, eating breakfast, lunch (sometimes), and dinners. i'm working on the getting up earlier every day (tomorrow doesn't count) and being all ooo...breakfast, proper getting ready, off to work like a grown up thing.

postings- well, there was one last week, and one this week...not prolific, but steady at least.

home: we did clean out the office, my room and the spawns room. there was a HUGE stack for the local charity pick up last week. it was NICE to see it all go. i'm currently working on the garage- have managed to move a few things out, hit a few road bumps, working on getting the rest out. most of the big plans will have to wait for spring/summer, but in the mean time just keeping things up better around the house is happening, even the teenager is arguing less about doing dishes and helping keep things straightened up. MUCH easier when it's all together instead of one against 2 (and a dog...he's not doing his share. asshole.).
 i'm still working on job solutions. applied for several full time/benefits jobs, a few part time no benefits but more stable/secure that could turn into full time with benefits. now it's just a waiting game...

there's a few random things left rattling around- possibly a new boy to write about (no train wreck yet, but you know it's coming). there's a long winded rant i'll get out of my system eventually about religion and whatnot. there's plenty of changes afoot...just waiting for shoes to drop.

for now- the whole "get to bed early, get up early, be a responsible adult" thing is reminding me it's overdue.

random fact: studies show that putting deodorant/anti-antiperspirant on at night before bed will help it work better the next day by helping it absorb into your system while you sleep. odd but true. now you know.