the remainder

here's a math problem for you:

mom + dad = brother & me - dad + second wife = step-brother & little brother - second wife & step-brother = mom brother me dad little brother - mom - brother - dad - little brother = ??

so. if you haven’t heard, the last few years have been one giant suck-fest in the family category. my mum and i had a slightly major falling out a few years ago causing problems between my brother and i (who already didn’t get along so great), october claimed my little half brother and now august has claimed my dad and his wife.

so. what does that leave behind? what remains of my family? a giant, resounding, ME (and my kids, but you get the gist).

people keep saying: maybe some day you’ll work things out with your mom. don’t hold your breath. what is there to work out with someone who chose to stay with the person who abused not only her daughter but her grandson as well? no thanks. not my crowd.

and what about my brother? slightly hard to have a relationship with someone who views my whole life as one giant train wreck and everything i do a disappointment of some sort.

and i know i don’t have THE most stable life- i’m a far cry from his little all american dream- how many people really can pull off the cop married to the nurse with one boy, one girl, a dog, a cat, a house (with fence!) on 5 acres, the perfect truck, perfect camper, and unicorns prancing in the yard daily? (ok...so as far as i know he doesn’t *ACTUALLY* have unicorns prancing in his yard...but the rest is true).

YES i move quite a bit. totally not by choice- moving SUCKS. 11 times in 11 years is NOT something someone just decides to do- well, at least not something _I_ just up and decided to do. there was college, a marriage, marriage problems, divorce, changing jobs, landlord getting foreclosed, and a landlord being a slum lord all thrown in there. WHEN I CHOOSE, i stay put as long as possible. after my divorce i stayed in that apartment for almost 4 years. when i moved to spokane i stayed put for 2 years. i’ve been in my house now for over a year and don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon.

and YES, there have been guys in and out over the last SIX years since my divorce. ask my kids how many they can name and i bet you’ll hear 3 names. THREE. in SIX years. and they know that only ONE has ever been called a boyfriend. but, damn it, i think i’m allowed to date and see what’s out there. i battle enough with myself about whether or not i should let someone in my life. it’s FUCKING HARD for me to allow anyone to help me emotionally or otherwise. this last year is the ONLY time i’ve let anyone get close to me. the first guy burned me BADLY, and this time i’m still not sure which direction i’m going and if it’s good or not. so. you know. TWO times letting anyone even remotely close in the last SIX years. and honestly, besides the ex (who never really did get close), there has only been those two guys in TWELVE years. don’t think i’m exactly ruining my kids lives here. and two times with all the shit that’s hit the fan. i’m SO FUCKING SORRY i needed someone there to help a bit when my brother died. and i’m SO FUCKING SORRY i need someone there now to help me get through losing my dad. does it make me weak? fuck yes it does. the more you learn to depend on someone else, the more you’ll have to re-learn to depend on yourself when they’re gone, so i know it sucks. i know i’m making it harder for myself in the long run. but damn it, i need someone. that’s hard enough to admit, even harder to allow, and fuck it all, i don’t need my nose rubbed in my weakness.

if you were wondering, these are all things my brother chewed my ass for in our last phone conversation.

-sigh-

it’s just- i’m realizing through all this that the old saying about blood not being family and family not being blood- it’s fucking true. to me, sure i have blood family left, but they’re not family by a long shot. i mean sure there’s still fragments out there, but i choose not to have anything to do with people hell bent on destroying me. call me silly, but i choose to live a HEALTHY life. so what does that leave? it leaves people i choose. people i WANT to surround myself with. but even that is proving to be difficult. you think there are people, you hope there are people, then the cards are called in and you realize what you had in your hand isnt what holds up on the table. it’s good and it’s bad- you are able to get rid of the ones that have no place, and you’re able to bring in new ones.

but it’s hard though, you know? and you always WISH that the blood could be the ones you choose. you keep hoping that one of these times blood family will be the ones to pull through. they’ll be the ones stepping up and helping you through. or at least _i_ keep hoping. i don’t know why. they haven’t yet in 30 years. in times of crisis i’ve heard: “well, you know, family will only be there so many times for you,” and “well, we couldn’t get involved because people might talk,” and “well, you just need to learn to depend on yourself.”

does ANY of that sound like family? what ever happened to “no matter what, we’ll be there,” or “who gives a fuck what people say? you need us, we’re there,” or “you can ALWAYS depend on us. hell or high water, we’re all stronger when we support each other.”

THAT. THAT is the family i want. i want the people who love me anyway. the people who say FUCK the rest, you have us. the people who support you and let you support them.

not sure where this came from all of a sudden. just feeling a little lost and confused lately.