just the facts ma'am

ok kids. so. i’ve been MIA for a while now. if you happen to follow twitter or facebook you may have caught a bit of what’s been going on. if not, prepare yourselves for a few heavy blogs. it’s going to be dark, it’s going to be emotional, it’s how i roll. it’s been three weeks since i’ve even attempted writing, so prepare for a TON of blogs all smashed together- at least i’m breaking them up for you and not making one gigando blog to slog through. you’re welcome. it’s the little things.

so. i’m going to start easy for BOTH of our sakes. there’s so much to say and so much to think about- we’ll start with just the facts. plain and simple, as few emotions as possible. please forgive me if this comes off cold and detached- i HAVE to do it this way to make it through.

here it goes.

*deep breath*

on august 15th life was good. my kids and i had made it through almost the whole summer without any of the crazy from last year. we made it past the first anniversary of the loss of my sons’s step mother and baby brother. we made it past the anniversary of my brother’s accident (the head injury, not his death). we’ve stayed put for a whole year, no moving or drama. the weather was beautiful, we’d spent the summer doing things, going to river front park, hanging out, being summer time lazy. new, fabulous friends were finding their way into my life. for the first time in six years i had an actual boyfriend. things were stable, happy, normal. i felt like i could finally relax, q uit waiting for the other shoe to drop, breathe and enjoy life again. on the 15th i went on my first cruise with friends, enjoyed the lake on a beautiful summer evening, had a few drinks, danced, laughed, loved the hell out of an amazing summer night.

that was august 15th.

at 5 in the morning on august 16th i heard my phone chirp that i had missed a phone call. i didn’t hear the call, but heard the chirp that i had missed a call- so i checked my phone. my mom was calling. at 5 in the morning. so wrong on so many levels. instantly wide awake. so i called back- she answered “i’m at your front door, can you come let me in?”

oh shit.

you know that moment when you can feel the world shifting?

i answered the door and she came inside. and she told me there had been a fire. and they weren’t 100% sure yet, but it looked like no one had made it out. it was a total loss.

my dad, my step mom, and a brand new trooper that had been staying with them were killed in a house fire around 2 in the morning on august 16th.

so much for keeping emotion out…give me just a second-

my dad. his wife. another trooper- all gone. the house- gone. completely gone. all of it. gone. completely and totally gone.

i called my dad’s phone and it went straight to voice mail. but i left a message. because i had to. because it wasn’t real. it was the wrong house. his phone was just turned off. they had the information wrong. they hadn’t looked hard enough. everyone made it out, they just hadn’t found them yet. my dad would call me back. he would call me and let me know he was ok and it just took them a while to find him and get him help. it would be ok. the world wasn’t changing this much this fast. THIS COULDN’T BE HAPPENING.

but it was happening. in the early morning hours, in the darkness of my living room, my world was changing. my core was gone. my dad. my rock. gone. just that quick.

JUST THE FACTS.

ok. so. pulling it back together.

so. i went and woke up my boyfriend- which, can i just say. great time for your super religious mother to meet your boyfriend who happens to be sleeping over at your house- 5 in the morning when i’m in my pj’s (wife beater and underroos) and we’re both slightly hung over from the cruise, i’m BAWLING, everything’s a mess, and he’s polite enough to introduce himself like it’s a completely typical morning. *HEART*

i don’t even really know what happened. i know i tried to call my dad a few times. i tried to call my brother to find out what was going on. i called a family friend that lived down there near my dad and finally got a bit of information- basically that it was true- the house was gone, they couldn’t find anyone. that’s about all they knew. i remember feeling sick. i remember trying to think of all the ways they were just missing something or had the information wrong. somehow i made it into the shower and packed and headed out on the road. boyfriend packed and came along without question.

somehow we made it to zillah. he drove for the first part then i took over for a while- it gave me something to focus on and keep it together for. we made it to zillah and pulled into the gas station when the first tweet hit my phone. there’s moments when things shift. they go from real to surreal- in that moment, seeing the tweet on my phone- it was like an alice in wonderland moment- that tweet: “kxly4news: 3 WSP personnel dead in Zillah house fire. RT @kappkvew: the victims in the Zillah fire are two state troopers and a dispatcher” – that was me. that’s my story. that’s what was happening to me right now. so strange seeing it on a news feed. knowing that people are watching your life, you’re the breaking story. it took my breath away. sucker punch straight to the gut. that was me. that was my story.

we drove up to my dad’s house and my heart stopped. before we even got to his driveway i could see- cars. so many cars, trucks, vans…i had to stop and identify myself at the bottom of the hill to be allowed up. and the cars. every emblem, acronym, lights, everything you can imagine. and it hit me. to me, my dad and his wife died in a fire. to the world, three police officers had died in a fire of unknown causes.

we made it past the cars, trucks, people, and i saw it. or what was left. where the house used to be. where the porch used to be. the lawn was still there. the bricks lining the driveway, the mailbox for the newspaper. but the house was gone. not a stick, wall, burned piece of furniture, NOTHING was left. a two story house GONE. completely gone. just a smoking hole in the ground. the trees still lined the property. the garage, burned, but standing six feet from where the house was. my dads car, badly damaged, parked in the driveway. his patrol car off to the side. but the house- the house was GONE. and my heart just stopped. i couldn’t say it wasn’t real. i couldn’t pretend it was the wrong house. i couldn’t hope that anyone made it out. i knew it was gone. i knew my dad was gone. i knew everything i had been hoping was wrong for the last six hours was right. all of it. every horrifying detail was right.

ok. pulling it back together. again.

so. house. gone. big fire. all three officers gone. there were firefighters on scene, police officers, ATF investigators, accelerant dogs, red cross disaster relief, helicopters, media, attorney’s, neighbors- so many people. in the middle of my mess it became clear how big this was.

the rest of the day is a blur. i remember being told that there wasn’t much to stick around for, so i left. i wasn’t sure where to go or what to do, but i wasn’t supposed to be there- they didn’t need me in the way. boyfriend stayed by my side every minute. there would have been no functioning otherwise. we found a number to call my dad’s second wife- the step mum that i grew up with and we stopped by her house for a bit. we stopped at the café where my dad had coffee every morning to eat some lunch. we stopped at the dealership where i bought my car to check in with one of my dad’s best friends. we drove around a bit. what do you do? where do you go? finally boyfriend and i decided to just head home. there was nothing for me to do or see there. i would just be in the way and in the middle of everything.

we somehow made it home. i remember reading all the news stories online. telling myself not to, but unable to keep from looking. trying to sort it all out, trying to piece it together, to make some sense of it.

at some point during the week they were able to recover all three bodies. just recover. not rescue. not save. just recover. you learn not to ask questions. you learn there’s some things you don’t want to know.

i wanted to ask *where* they found the bodies (as much of a *where* as you can get from a situation like that). i wanted to know if they almost made it out, if they were stuck somewhere, were they still asleep? questions like that don’t solve anything though. would it have been better if they had ALMOST gotten out? no. they still DIDN’T get out, and that’s all that matters in the end. we DID find out that they all died from smoke before the flames were able to get to them. that was my biggest fear. they didn’t feel any pain. one small piece of relief in the middle of it all. as far back as i can remember i’ve been TERRIFIED of fire. i remember laying awake as a little kid watching the smoke detectors all night to make SURE that little red light blinked every minute and it was working. i can’t even imagine dying in a fire and having to feel the flames. it terrifies me. always has. so to know that they didn’t have to suffer through that- one small piece of solace to hold onto.

this isn’t the end of all this by any means, but i think this is enough for now. just the facts ma’am. just the facts. so. that’s the start of it. the initial shock. on august 16th i lost my dad. my life shifted. it’s still shifting. it will never be the same again and i’m trying to learn what that means and where to go from here. but that’s the start of it.

so. you know. that’s all for now. more to come later.