hey kids: watch me chase my tail!

it’s getting real up in here bisches. in an effort to be completely true up in here i’m letting you in on a little secret: i’m a fucking idiot.

well…i am and i’m not.

you see…there’s this boy…

and now it’s all making sense…isn’t it?

you may have heard me mention the new boy. he’s a doll. he really is. he smart, funny, easy to be around, well respected among his peers, driven, has a plan laid out and is actively pursuing it. he’s worked hard to get here and doesn’t take anything for granted.

he’s also a gentleman- he likes to hold my hand out in public, put his arm around me, make sure everybody knows i’m with him…

he insists on opening my door for me when i get in or out of a car…absolutely insists on it…

he’s very concerned about me…you know…he really likes to know where i’m going and with whom…and it’s very disrespectful if i don’t let him know…

he’s concerned about my health and likes to know what medicine the doctor prescribed and check the container to make sure i’m taking it…

he’s never felt this way with anyone before…i’m different, i’m special, i’m an angel made just for him and he loves me…

he’s sensitive, so i need to be careful about how i talk to him so i don’t offend him or show disrespect…

and by the way…he’s a MAN. from a MAN’S culture. you know…an in charge man…

hunchback of notre’ dame having a field day in anyone else’s head? it’s like a four alarm fire up in my head…sirens and bells and whistles going off in every. single. direction.

can i solve the puzzle vanna? CONTROL FREAK.

what do i win? oh wait…

i know…it may seem like i’m just being me and bailing out early, but after all these years, i think my gut is pretty finely tuned and i may be finally learning to listen to it.

is he a great guy to be around? heck yeah. fun to dance with, dinner the other night was GREAT. i adore his roommate and his fiancé- they’re adorable to hang out with. all in all he treats me well. he’s strong, confident, lavishes attention on me. it all seems great…right?

but there’s this gut feel. the way he’s not just holding my hand, he’s marking his territory. the way he doesn’t seem to know my real name (calling me baby is NOT acceptable). the way he ½ asks, ½ orders a drink. how he refuses to be around my kids. how he HATES my cat (normally i could understand this, but most guys would just ignore, not antagonize).

there’s the way i got lectured (not yelled at, not berated, simply lectured) for going out saturday night with friends and not letting him know…according to him it was a matter of respect (or disrespect as the case may be).

the fact that i told him (**TMI DISCLAIMER**) that i had an infection in the lady parts (seriously Trojan? could you make a condom that DOESN’T cause an INSTANT yeast infection already please??) and he wanted to check the prescription and see the medicine to make sure that i wasn’t just making up an excuse to not “make the sex” with him

then fact that i’m making excuses…

yes, part of it is his culture. i do understand that it’s a male dominant culture. and i do understand that some of the things he talks about are basic respect issues and i honestly am not used to having someone to check in with…and YES, there is a difference between checking in and asking permission. any married couple or dating couple would naturally let their partner know where they’re at out of respect. they’re not asking permission- they’re just letting someone know in case of emergency, for information, to prevent worry…

but since when do i fall into that category of having someone to let know?

and part of me says that if he wants to become a citizen then he’s going to have to adapt to our culture. arrogant? probably. stupid american thinking? most likely. overly independent woman thinking? definitely.

and yes, i have PMS, so i’m reacting a little more strongly to things than i normally would. but that doesn’t give him a free pass. yes, there is a language/culture barrier and there’s bound to be some misunderstanding. and yes, i’m an abnormally independent, strong willed, out spoken female, but that doesn’t mean i can’t be taken down a peg or two and learn to be a partner as well…

oh wait…that one flipped around on me. damn.

i don’t know. there’s warning bells, but i STRONGLY also believe there’s a reason this is happening. we discovered last night that he had seen me before on the fish sight…yes, THAT fish sight. and he had even emailed me…he knew my profile- the pictures i had posted, what i had written about myself…he remembered that from months ago…so…you know…how random that i stuck out in his memory, he had messaged me then and met me now?

the alarm bells are ringing, and i’m listening. but i’m also trying to be patient and not jump ship quite yet. i’m trying to control my rip cord reflex, but that doesn’t mean i’m taking my hand off the cord just yet…

this has taken a turn…typing it all out has really made me think about it. maybe the reason we’re together is because we’re BOTH such strong personalities and there’s a LOT we could learn from each other. i could learn the difference between control and concern, and he could learn about equality and partnership. i think we might balance each other out. we’ve had a few scraps already, but not knock down drag out’s…we’ve both been able to present our side of things and talk through it rationally…not too many people i can do that with at all…and i’m guessing it’s the same for him. and i’m guessing there’s not many WOMEN, if any at all that would be willing to do that with him. we’re both strong enough to speak for ourselves and both willing to listen to the other person…damn you brain and your turning things around on me…

how do i even sum this up?

YES, i recognize the warnings, and YES, i’m paying attention to them. i’m also recognizing my need to soften my edges and let someone be nice to me and not question every single nice thing someone does.

i think i’ll take a nap now. chasing my own tail is exhausting.