accept others

i was raised to be polite. to bite my tongue. don't stand out. don't be the loud one.

always be in control of your actions. always be thoughtful and reasonable.

we didn't talk about politics in my house growing up, EVER. religion was not discussed, it just WAS. every sunday morning and sunday evening and wednesdays. there was never a discussion about it. or why we went to that specific church. or why we suddenly switched churches. it just was.

there was one lesbian teacher at our school and she did her best to blend in, never cause trouble, never cause suspicion or even the slightest whisper of improper behavior or language or anything.

i didn't grow up learning about women's rights. i didn't know about LGBTQ. i didn't know about...fuck, anything really. i graduated high school because that's what you do. pregnant or not. and went to college because it's what you do, especially when you have a kid to support. education = better job (that was the standard line then). i became a secretary because i was good at it. of course my pay was less because it's a support staff role. it wasn't because i'm female.

things just were the way they were. when i asked questions i was wrong. so you don't ask questions. just accept things as they are and keep your head down and keep doing what you're doing.

stability, security, staying out of the newspaper. that was it.

well, here i am now, 37, and i'm tired of things just being the way they are. i'm tired of biting my tongue. i'm tired of not speaking my mind because it might offend someone. i'm tired of filtering myself to only let specific parts around specific people because it's what they're comfortable with. WHAT ABOUT WHAT I'M COMFORTABLE WITH.

i'm tired of seeing the assholes get away with being assholes.

i'm tired of feeling like i can't find a space to belong because it would mean leaving a piece of myself behind.

i can fit in with this group, but they don't like gay people.

i can fit in with this group but they don't like tattoos.

i can fit in with this group but they aren't intellectual and don't get most of my comments.

i'm not religious enough for them, i'm too spiritual for that group...

i can fit in with that group but they don't like that i tend to be a conservative democrat, or *gasp* an independent.

i can fit in with the other group but they don't get that i have kids.

i'm too gay to be straight, but not gay enough to BE GAY.
 
don't talk about sex around that group, don't mention empathic abilities or chakra healing around those people, those people think yoga is on the level with witch craft. don't talk about...

the venn diagram of my acquaintance groups looks more like a bowl of cheerios scattered on the floor. *maybe* a little overlap like the olympic rings, but...actually, probably more like audi. 

it's fucking exhausting and lonely.

JUST BE YOURSELF.

says the person who hasn't been removed from seemingly every invitation list.

says the person who hasn't been on the other side of the nasty looks and snide comments.

or says the person who has found a self confidence and bulletproof self worth that i can't even begin to imagine.



so, almost a year ago i quit my job.

this will all tie in together, i promise.

i complained about my job all the time, we all do, but i was good at it. it paid well, i had insurance, 401K, i had coworkers i liked, i had a routine down and i had everything dialed in.

i also listened to hate speech all the time.

i listened on the regular to talk like: "my wife had to sit next to some of THOSE people on the plane to Hawaii. they  were going to get married. they shouldn't be allowed to get married."

"if a gay service person came to my house [the comcast guy in this instance], i would tell them to leave and call the company to complain and make them send someone else."

"single moms are destroying our economy. they just sit around all day collecting child support and welfare. do you know how much my cousin got on her tax return? $5000 and she's on welfare."

"i'm prejudice. i'm not afraid to say it." "you mean against (whipsering) african americans?" "nope. all of them. i'm prejudice against all of them."

that last comment, a conversation between a coworker and the owner was the final straw for me. i turned in my two day notice on wednesday and was done that friday.

i told the owner EXACTLY why i was quitting. she didn't even bat an eye. SHE. yes, a female owner. nothing. what she DID do is leave the office and announce to the whole office that i was quitting, go to the coworker that the prejudice conversation was with and tell her.

the coworker immediately confronted me and blamed me for her being blamed for my quitting. told me i was "being too sensitive" and she "didn't mean it that way" and i needed to let things roll off my back.

SHE. DOUBLED. DOWN.

and i, as calmly as i could explained, that there's not too many ways you can mean "i'm prejudice against all of them." i explained that no, it wasn't *just* because of her, but she did need to own a part of it. yes, it was a pile of other things too. but YES, YOUR HORRIBLE WORDS FINISHED IT.

but, nearly a year later, MUCH introspection, and a really, incredibly hard mental health month later, here's what i have to say:

to my coworkers:

you want to rant about single moms needing welfare? maybe it's because we had to take a $5 PER HOUR pay-cut when we had to leave our job due to racism and bigotry.

maybe we need help because we got tired of our coworkers groping our breasts whenever they felt like it and decided no job was worth dealing with that.

maybe we need help because when we file a sexual harassment complaint the person who harassed and groped you IS ALLOWED TO HUG YOU AS AN APOLOGY.

you're so worried about your wife or your family being "exposed" to a gay person like it's a disease??

SORRY I GOT MY GAY ON YOUR WIFE AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY WHEN I SHOOK HER HAND. she should probably just get her whole arm amputated. you can afford it. you still have insurance.

so. to my former coworkers, you won that battle. i'm ashamed i quit and walked away without standing up for myself. i'm ashamed i didn't call you out and make you realize that all your venomous speech was impacting someone literally across the room from you. in all your hatred and closed mindedness you couldn't even imagine that you might know someone that didn't agree, and even possible be sitting just 10 feet away from you.

i hope, with all my being, none of your children are gay. i can't imagine that pain and heartache having a parent like you would cause them.

i've seen your ugly hearts. i've listened to your ignorant words. i 've listened to your hate and "jokes" and i stayed quiet because _I_ was raised to be polite and go out of my way to make sure no one else feels the way you unthinkingly make everyone around you feel.

but you know what?

i'm done.

i won't go out of my way to be rude to you, like you were for YEARS to me. i was raised better than that.

but i will no longer be polite. i will no longer bite my tongue.

it's a small town. if i see you out and about, i will not hide myself to avoid you. i will say hello and offer you the acceptance and sense of humanity you refuse to others. but if i hear you make horrible comments or "jokes", I WILL SAY SOMETHING. i will not make a scene. i will not make a spectacle. but i will not be quiet any longer.

you're so big and brave when you don't know the person you're talking about is listening.

SAY IT TO MY FACE. i will no longer let it slide.

i'm learning, slowly, painfully, incredibly late in life, i'm learning to love who i am. not pieces. not love the socially presentable version of myself. i'm learning how to love ALL of myself. 

i just looked up and saw a magnet on my fridge and laughed a little.

do you see it?

no, not the sweet saved by the bell magnet.

no, not the pictures of my kid or the puppy medicine...

no...the other one, the top corner, right above oscar the grouch...

accept others.

maybe i need to tape over that and write YOURSELF.