continue from last save point?

i believe love at first sight is real for some people.

i believe it's the "...to be continued" for soul mates whose journey ended abruptly or tragically before its time.

so, in a way, i believe in reincarnation: a continuation of the soul's learning journey. not sure where i land on the start as a rock, come back as a turtle and work your way up portion of it.

i subscribe to more of a cafeteria plan when it comes to religion and spirituality. take the parts that make sense to me, skip the weird parts, especially any involving snakes.

but i believe that some part of us gets more than one journey on this rock.

and i believe that sometimes you can see or intuitively know some of your past pieces. i was recently allowed to see someones memory from being a rum runner on the oregon coast in the late 1920's (second sight, energy sharing, memory transference, whatever you want to call it, it's cool as shit.)

and i can't help but wonder...maybe there's some sort of tether on your essence...like maybe you get to continue from your last saved point. if you grew up and lived in one town your whole life, maybe your saved spot will be close to there. you can have love at first sight with someone from grade school because you're both starting from your last saved point...romantically and geographically.

if you traveled/moved all the time maybe your last save spot was on a trip or somewhere away from home. maybe this is where wanderlust comes in. the search to find where your other memories are; find your other saved points. maybe this is why some people search their whole lives for their soul mate. they have to search for the intersection of last saved points.

i've always been inexplicably drawn to the south.

what are the chances my last saved point was there once?

is that why i feel lost and unsettled here more and more? is that why i haven't been able to find a functional partnership anywhere in a tri-state area?

am i just running out of ways to avoid settling so i'm inventing new ones?

bullet-trainwreck

this story starts like most train wreck stories:

you see, there was this guy...

and since you already know the ending (spoiler alert: that's where the train wreck part comes in), i guess what's left is for me to fill in the middle part.

i can't pretend to be too mad at the universe. i knew i had a pretty hefty karmic debit in the relationship column. i knew it would bite me in the ass in a big way when it caught up with me, and boy did it.

so, i met a guy on a dating site. we talked, regular get to know you conversation, daily bullshit, all the real stuff. it never turned dirty (if you've ever been on a dating site you know 98% of the conversations start or turn dirty quickly). it was great. seemed like just a cool guy.

we planned to meet up on a saturday evening, but the wednesday before i was out for a drink and invited him to join me, which he did. not only was i NOT stood up for a date, he came out for an impromptu meet up BEFORE the time he was supposed to stand me up. WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT?

and it went well. so well my regular bartender commented on it and the immediate chemistry.

well, fucksticks. NOW WHAT?

so we kept talking and kept the date for saturday which went INCREDIBLY well. as in he shared a lyft the next morning with me (him back to his car, me to the airport).

two dates? that pushed me into foreign territory and the freak out commenced. i spent a day in seattle with an amazing friend who let me gush and be a twit, all with him texting me all day. flew back monday morning, he came over and cooked me dinner monday night. WHAT IS HAPPENING??

panic is full swing. we keep texting and talking and he comes over tuesday night. and it's amazing. it's a connection i've never had with someone before. i'm being myself. my total, unfilted, fully crazy self. i tell him my fears about relationships, my hang ups, my disaster history. he does the same. i tell him when i'm panicking about how things are going. he does the same. i try to think of every weird freaky thing that's been a deal breaker in the past and this guy is holding steady. i finally break out the big guns and one evening we talk about empathic abilities. turns out not only is he not freaked out by my abilities, HE HAS THEM TOO. and we are able to literally pass energy back and forth. we're able to share emotions and memories and connect in a totally different way.

this is some next. level. shit.
 
and there's a few snags along the way- he's dealing with PTSD and TBI and gets a little overwhelmed by home life thursday, but then he works through it and comes over friday night...and stays til sunday afternoon.

and i THOUGHT it was going well. there were a few too many calls from the ex-wife and the ex-girlfriend for my comfort, but they were concerned about him and checking in. not unreasonable for someone dealing with veterans issues. i'm just glad he has a strong support network at this point.

but then shit goes sideways. he mentions the ex-girlfriend is going to meet a new guy and it's throwing him for a loop.

huh. ok. well, they were together for 4 years and just split in october. and he's still teaching her photography. so. maybe a bit of an open wound situation. then, after he left sunday, he calls a few hours later in the middle of a melt down because the ex called him on the way back from her overnight date and it sent him into a total tailspin.

and there's my line. if her going on a date throws him into a total tailspin, then he's not ready to be even considering anything new. and i don't want or deserve to be a stop gap or a distraction or whatever.

so i call him monday afternoon and we discuss it and agree that he's really not in as good of a place as he thought, he isn't ready to try something new, but you know, we can still talk.

cool. that ended well. sad. it seemed like it could be something really cool. but i'm not going to settle for second anymore.

LOOK AT ME BEING MATURE AND GROWN UP.

then shit went REALLY sideways. he goes dark after our phone call and, given his mental status over the weekend and everything i want to check and make sure he's ok, so i check his facebook page to see if there's any activity.

and then i see it. a simple post on his wall that says "143." that's it. "143" posted saturday night at 11:44.

wait.

what?

saturday night? when he was in bed with me?

what the fuck?

what's 143?

to the google: OH, 143 is "i love you."

well fuck. that's weird. he was in bed with me. who is he posting that for in the middle of the night?

OH, there's a comment on it. 

nice. the ex-gf posted "143" back.

well. that's fan-fucking-tastic.

and the pieces start to fall into place: he started seeing me, so she started seeing someone new. then she was going to go stay with that guy, so suddenly he's staying with me. OH, so i'm a pawn in a game of ex-relationship chicken.

THAT'S FUCKING SPECTACULAR.

holy. fucking. blindside.

and here i stupidly thought things were going well and he was actually into me.

commence total mind fuck.

BUT.

here's where things get interesting.

i call him on it. flat out call him on it. is this what you were doing? was any of this real? do you have any idea how totally shitty this is?

that's right: I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF.

good news: he wasn't using me. WHEW. that's a relief.

he was just trying to hurt her and i got caught in the crossfire.

oh wait...not so much of a relief.

BUT, he swears our connection was real. he says that he did actually care for me and feel the same connection, he was just too caught up on her.

so. I'LL TAKE IT. i choose to believe it.

I. CHOOSE. TO. BELIEVE. IT.

it wasn't me this time. i threw everything at him. all of it. he didn't run away. i don't know if it's because he was determined to show her up, or too distracted to really be bothered, or if he really did just simply like me.

i'm going with the last one.

and that's a BIG shift for me.

silver lining.

i was myself. i cooked meals i would normally cook. i sat around in my pajamas. i even *gasp* wore my glasses and didn't wash my hair. WHAT????

i spoke up for myself. i opened up. with the help of some VERY patient friends i didn't panic and cut ties when i normally would. i stuck it out. i tried. i opened myself up.

I HAD FEELINGS Y'ALL.

ACTUAL. FEELINGS.

and i didn't die.

as fast as it flashed and burned out, as stupid as i felt for how intense it got in such a short time, I DID IT. i threw it ALL out there. i let him stay the night. i let him be around the teenager. i cooked him meals. i did dishes and laundry and REGULAR PEOPLE THINGS. 

it wasn't a magical bachelor island bubble where everything is perfect all the time and no one snores (spoiler alert: i snore. loudly).

and it was ok.

i mean, until it wasn't.

BUT IT WAS OK.

he didn't run. he didn't judge me. he didn't freak out.


I WAS MYSELF Y'ALL AND HE LIKED ME.

so. i can deal with the train wreck. i can deal with the hurt, and there was A LOT of hurt.

AND. because i'm trying REALLY hard to be in the moment and actually experience things as they happen instead of shoving them down to bite me years later: here's my take away:

it's going to get really sappy and self-help bullshit and very meditative/mantra-ish right now:

yes, this hippie shit is coming from me:

i appreciate the pain for letting me know i can still feel.

i appreciate the experience for letting me know i am capable of and open to a partnership.

i appreciate the betrayal for reminding me actions have consequences.

i appreciate the despair for reminding me i have people i can reach out to that will listen and care.

i appreciate the reminder that hope is still an option. and that i am capable of warmth and caring and understanding.

i appreciate the experience for showing me i CAN open up and be honest, ALL of me.

even though it all fell apart. even though there's a ton of ugly questions i could ask.

I CHOOSE HOPE. i choose to know me being me didn't chase him away. for the first time ever.

I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE HE LIKED ME AS I AM.

well fuck. that turned into a bridget jones moment. time to wrap this up.

SO. long story short: there was a guy. i liked him. HE LIKED ME. and it just didn't work out this time.

but i tried.