Tuesday, February 14, 2017

my dirty, shameful, hidden secret

98% of the time if you hear me talking about dating, romance, marriage, relationships, sex, ANYTHING to do with settling down and finding a life partner you would be listening to tales of horror, regret, mind boggling oddities and general, overall, resounding pessimism and bitterness stronger than the darkest, cream filled, dark chocolate valentines day treat.

if you want to know about a date that went wrong? i've got a veritable catalogue of options for you.

want to hear about a romantic trip around the world to reunite with the one that got away? well, i have something that started out that way.

want to hear about sex that even the most seasoned of provocateurs says WHAT THE FUCK to? i got you covered.

there have been countless train wrecks over the years. remember the time i ended up dating a pimp? remember all the times i didn't actually date anyone because i got stood up 7 times in a row by different guys?

but here, after all this time, is my darkest, dirtiest, most shameful secret:

i am a totally hopeless romantic.

it's out.

the darkness has found the light.

now ya'll know.

i adore romantic movies. i've watched one fine day HUNDREDS of times thinking, you know, maybe that could happen. i mean, I HAVE KIDS, and they get sick, and things happen, and maybe i could meet an adorable george clooney with his own kid and it would be a hot mess that turn out to be wonderful.


it really could happen to (me) you...if i was ever a waitress, a guy would totally split his lottery ticket winnings with me and leave his hot latina wife to be with a boring white girl. IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN TO ME.

i have rows of rom-com movies that i've watched over and over. i have had thousands of imaginary relationships in 5 minutes or less after making eye contact with a stranger in the grocery store. i keep making dating profiles and trying to date in the hopes that MAYBE this time it will work.

i, the person who has never had a relationship longer than 23 months (let's be honest, that ONE was an outlier. the REAL duration is 3 months or less), I STILL BELIEVE.

like the 14 year old that still truly believe in santa clause, i still believe in love.

i've seen it. 

i know it's out there.

and there's this stubborn, determined, completely delusional part of myself that still thinks i'll find it.



i mean, probably not, but, you know, weirder things have happened.

and what is 2017 if not the year of weirder things?

and so, against reasonable consideration, against any possible logic, against my own deep gut instinct, i'm going to speed dating tonight.

on valentines day.

in a bar.


i mean, I KNOW. it's not probable. it's not realistic. it's not logical. who actually finds someone to date at a speed dating event?

but...you know...maybe?

and I KNOW. just go. have fun. meet new people. it's out of the house. it's away from real estate stress. it's something new and different. just enjoy the moment for what it is.

but the back of my brain just keeps saying...maybe?

and so i shaved my legs. YES, the post-winter clearcut came early this year.

and i painted my nails.

and i did a face mask.

and i have a gorgeous red dress picked out.


but i mean, probably not. actually, scratch that. NOT. not likely at all.


but probably not.

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