a change will do you good?

you know those people that do something, every. single. day. for their whole adult life?

the guy that orders a pepperoni pizza every day at 5 (and then the pizza place employee saves the customers life after he notices the order didn't come in. true story).

the old man that has coffee at the same cafe every morning for 30 years.

the person that takes a picture every day for a full year.

the parents that plan ahead and have teachers write letters for their kids starting at kindergarten all the way through high school.

the people that have routine and structure and foresight.


FUCK THOSE PEOPLE.

no. seriously. how do you remember to call your sister every. single. day. at 8 pm? how do you have the money to stop at the same cafe every morning for years? how do you have the endurance to eat the same exact pizza every single day?

outside of the basics of hygeine, there is NOTHING that i can claim to do every day. and let's be really honest, there's some weekends even showering is optional. DON'T JUDGE. but things like exercise? ha ha ha ha ha. meditation. nope. reading the news? when i remember. visiting the same coffee shop? my budget is too...ahem...temperamental for that.

i do like routine, i do like familiar places, but i think i'm still pretty far from what would be deemed predictable or regular.

as inconsistent as i am though, i expect the rest of the world to pause and wait for me to pick up where i left off. AND THAT'S TOTALLY NOT UNREASONABLE. SHUT UP.

one of my favorite bar tenders packed up and moved out of town. BUT HE DIDN'T ASK ME FIRST. sure, i only manage to go out for a drink *maybe* once a month, BUT HE NEEDS TO ALWAYS BE THERE. how dare he have a life and goals and things outside being there for my comfort and familiarity? and now what do _I_ do (insert appropriate whining cry baby noises here). now i have to get used to a new bar tender, or, *gasp* find a new bar?? OH THE HUMANITY!

i don't deal well with things like this. i'm a creature of habit, as infrequent and scattered as those habits are. i'm the asshole that laments a store closed YEARS ago because i liked it and went to it a few times and always meant to go back. WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY ONE STOP THREE YEARS AGO WASN'T ENOUGH TO SUSTAIN THE BUSINESS??

one of the things i admire most in other people is their willingness to change and their ability to step out into new things. good friends packing up and selling their house in idaho to move to seattle with nothing more than an idea that there has to be something better. a bartender packing up his whole family to start a new business in a new town. people moving across states or countries for relationships. WHAT?? how is that even a thing? do you KNOW the risks involved?

i keep going back and forth about whether or not it's time for me to make some changes. maybe pack up everything and head to a new town? it's way too easy to talk myself out of it and into staying where i'm at in the comfortable and familiar, even if it is feeling like a favorite shirt i outgrew a few sizes ago (aka: my entire wardrobe). change jobs? but i have my order of things down here and i'm good at it and it's fluid and familiar.

just when i have myself convinced there's a whole wide world out there, a few things come together at home and i realize i like my little corner of the world and can't imagine leaving it behind. spring time is an especially persuasive sneaky bitch about this. why would you want to leave?? look how pretty and green the yard is! look how lovely the fruit trees are when they're in bloom! look how the house lights up when you open the curtains! why would you ever want to leave?? change jobs? but look how well those three things all worked out and how smoothly all that paperwork went through. and the stupid was at a moderate to low level this week. i can tolerate moderate to low.

one of the worst areas for me when it comes to change is people. i tend to have a nasty habit of dealing with change by disconnecting. one of my worst traits is not reaching out to people. i have forever wanted to be a better person about calling or sending cards or visiting. i buy stacks of cards that collect dust in bins. i intend to call but what do you SAY? i was not a chat-on-the-phone-for-hours teenager. traveling/visiting takes planning and budgeting and vacation time and i'm so worn out from all the excuse making that the actual traveling is just too much.

the last few weeks have been a lot of small changes happening and the idea of a few big ones lingering in the background. it's been stressful. one look at my face will tell you just how stressful. the teenager has been growing up and learning how to stand up for himself. he's been venturing a little further from the house at longer intervals. baseball at the school is now a standard instead of an occasional. "home by dark" shifts by a few minutes each day. he's not letting bullies push him around anymore, he talking back (and occasionally even fighting back). it's been cool to watch. i'm excited to see him grow and become. i don't remember the older one necessarily going through this...at least this pronounced. he started taking the city bus to school and started wanting to spend time "out" with friends but never quite showed the...growing up part of that. maybe i just missed it in the middle of all the fighting and anger and chaos that was happening.

today i had a job interview. i think it went well. but HOLY FUCK that would be a HUGE change. and i don't know if i'm ready for that. i mean...i like my job. i like my work. i'm good at what i do. i like my boss. i like the owner. not a fan of a chunk of my coworkers. but is that chunk enough to leave the comfortable, familiar that i'm GOOD at? it's hard! the ability to make the change is without question. talking to them today i know i could step in blindfolded and do the work they need done. but is that what i want?
how do you make that choice? how do you know when it's right to shake up the status quo and do something new or when you're just running away from problems?

change is good. a chance for a different perspective, growth, all that bullshit. but FUCK is it hard. i don't know what point i'm trying to make besides just plain old fashioned bitching and whining.  i don't have the answers. i don't have any answers. do smurfs have toes? I DON'T KNOW. is the communist party congress in north korea going to start world war 3? it's possible?? what's for dinner? STOP INTERROGATING ME.

i think the only good change is the kind i keep in my car for parking meters. and even that sucks when you forget to lock your doors and random people decide they need it more than you do. or when all the silver bits are gone and you're left with nothing but stupid pennies that don't work in parking meters.

nope. change of all kinds sucks. it is decided.