dull hooks

well, it's officially 2015 and that means only one thing: 

#bfhunt2014 has been retired and #bfhunt2015 has begun (boyfriend hunt 2015 for the non-twitter hashtag addicted crowd).

yes. this is a continuation of #bfhunt2013 as well. shut it.

with the new year comes the same old question: WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU MEET PEOPLE?

i decided a few weeks ago that i'm actually going to *TRY* to find someone to date. this is an actual conscious decision vs the previous "meh, i'll throw an online profile up and see if anything happens" which has obviously gone so well in years past. well, it DID net plenty of interesting blogs and horror stories but no real results.

SO. i sat down yesterday and started writing about WHERE do you actually go out and meet people?

"out"

WHERE THE FUCK IS "OUT"????? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE NAME A BAR "OUT" SO I KNOW WHERE TO GO?

fuck a duck sideways. i go to the theater, i go to concerts, bars, restaurants, stores, art exhibits, sporting events, OUT. most of the time i'm alone, some of the time i'm with people. ALL OF THE TIME i go home alone.

also, have you tried to go "out" as a single person? especially as a single 30+ not hollywood leading lady sized with *maybe* a bit of a...non-conventional attitude and appearance? i've tamed down over the years (no more blue hair) but there's no hiding all my tattoos. there's also no hiding my no bullshit attitude. i'm never flat rude (without provocation at least) but i'm also not a legally blonde bend-and-snap girl.

in case anyone wandering across/reading this doesn't know me, here's my nutshell: 34, 5'8", size 20, red head (from a salon, not genetics). i hold a BA in English, a steady job, own my home and car. i have 2 kids, a dog and a plant that i've kept alive for several years now. i'm not bad to look at on a good day and on a great day i can even be called pretty. i have a wealth of useless information stuffed in my head that allows me to be able to carry on a conversation with just about anyone and a sense of humor that only makes fun of you if you're not fast enough to say something right back. it's a cozy little nutshell. i've modified it and adjusted it over the years and i'm quite pleased with it.

so. i do it. i go OUT. me and my little nutshell take on the infamous OUT.

here's what happens: business men in town for a convention think i'd LOVE to be their free hooker for the night. "pretty people" pretend like i don't exist (literally leaning over me to order drinks when the rest of the bar/space is empty). if i decide to dance i'm the sad/weird girl dancing alone. if i try to initiate conversation with anyone sitting around me i'm creepy/desperate (and probably eavesdropping to boot.)

today, Bustle.com posted THIS ARTICLE about going out to bars alone in new york. i commiserate with the author on several points but the entire article holds absolutely NO water because, if you happened to miss it, the writer is NOT SINGLE. how the fuck can you honestly/accurately write about going out to a bar to get picked up when you're NOT SINGLE? at the end of the night you have a significant other to remind you that you're not invisible, that people can see you and have conversations with you. those sad looks from the bartenders? try getting those ALL THE TIME, not just the one night of the experiment. writing an article about ONE NIGHT is bullshit. get back to me when the one night out alone is the rule, not the exception.

i spent TWO YEARS going to the same bar, every wednesday to listen to a band that i adored (until they all grew up and went to colleges on the other side of the country or pursued other careers. assholes. WHAT ABOUT ME??). after two years i managed to make friends with all the bartenders and cocktail waitresses but had yet to figure out how to get along with the other people in the bar. TWO YEARS. you can't say it was for lack of trying.

so. the infamous "out" isn't a place to meet people. what else is there?

friends! have your friends hook you up!

fuck. that. shit. all my friends are either gay and/or married. not sure if you know this, the gay dating pool isn't exactly the place for a single FEMALE to fish. don't get me wrong, i LOVE visiting the gay dating pool. some of the prettiest, most in shape, most gentlemanly fish you'll ever see. they just have ZERO interest in any kind of bait i could even imagine tossing in. the fun thing is we usually have the same taste in gentlemen. the not fun part is they always win the fishing derby.

married friends tend to know other married friends. little inside tip: not many married friends are kosher with you dating their other married friends.

i may or may not have dipped into the married pool once or twice (i know, i know) and the only thing there is heartbreak and drama. even under the best of circumstances (permission on all sides: yes it exists; no, none of mine were) it's still complicated. when you have a less than above board arrangement it's just a trainwreck in perpetual slow motion. all the emotions, all the attachments, all the potential jerry springer moments waiting to happen, none of the movie watching nights.

so friends aren't a great way to meet people.
 
what about the age old grocery store or coffee shop or post office?

honestly, married, single, visiting alien from planet xenob: when is the last time you randomly talked to someone out and about? can you remember the last conversation you had in the check out line at the grocery store? or the last time you tried to joke with someone about why the price of bacon is so high? I DO AND IT WAS SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE AND THEY LOOKED AT ME LIKE I HAD JUST ADMITTED TO LIKING M NIGHT SHYAMALAN MOVIES.

what about online? or a smart phone app?

*sniff*eyeroll*sarcastic cough*

moving on.


what about being spontaneously asked out by a complete stranger? LIKE IN A ROMCOM MOVIE??

that totally happens, right?

yeah. it does.

have i ever told you the story about how i accidentally dated a pimp? it started with me walking down the street in a super cute dress on the way to get lunch and ended with a hooker telling me "if she had to share her man with anyone, she was glad it was me."

don't remember that part of the last meg ryan movie i watched.

so. as the great #bfhunt2015 kicks off (for the third consecutive year), WHERE DO I START?

no, really. where do i start?