universe: 1 billion, me: 0

did you ever have one of those days where it just seemed like the universe was plotting against you from the moment you woke up?

i know it isn't real, it's all in perspective, but when you feel like you've been knocked flat on your ass the perspective is a little skewed.

the last few nights have been dreams of being chased by a serial killer- perhaps too many crime shows. couple that with insomnia and a dog that sleeps all day and is restless at night- you have a damn shitty start to a tuesday.

i woke up early this morning, had to drive the big spawn to school so his cigar box banjo wouldn't get damaged on the bus- no, i don't understand the logic of it either. school is at 8, i don't have to be to work until 9 even though they're only a few blocks apart. told him i would wake up, shower, run him to school then come home to get ready, PLEASE be ready to go so i have time between trips to get ready. he decided to sleep in and take a shower right before me. being a teenager, a shower isn't complete until ALL the hot water is gone. so there's me, in all my grumpy insomniatic serial killer dream glory, add in a cold shower. now add in SHITTY roads for not one but TWO trips across town (school, then work).

i pulled my shit together for work, took calls, didn't drive my coworker TOO nuts (that i know of anyway) until about 1:27 when i got a call from the small spawn school counselor.

sometimes the straw that breaks the camels back isn't a single straw, it's a whole fucking harvest full of  bales.

the counselor was calling about getting help started for the small spawn.

YES, getting help STARTED.

because, you know, i haven't been fighting to get him help EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. YEAR.

long story short: they want to put him in the "resource room."

back in my day the "resource room" was called "special ed."

they want to take the small spawn out of standardized learning with typical learning students and place him in a classroom of moderate to severe special needs kids.

because of his speech and reading.

the two programs i have been FIGHTING to get him help for.

he's been in speech therapy since he was 2. he started in district 81, THE SAME DISTRICT HE'S IN NOW with speech therapy BEFORE kindergarten. every year he's been placed in speech and reading intervention. every year they removed him from the programs when he "reached the level of his peers and was disqualified for additional resource assistance."

EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. i asked about dyslexia.

they told me it was age typical. they told me he was fine, he'd grow out of it. they told me they would keep an eye on it.  

guess why they want to test him and put him in the "resource room"?

because he has abnormal speech patterns, confuses/changes his letters and words still, and hasn't mastered the sight words typical of his age.

YOU MEAN DYSLEXIA?

last spring i had a meeting with his classroom teacher, the speech teacher, the reading teacher, and the school counselor. don't even get me started about how it was the END of the year before they listened to me asking for help and classroom intervention.

LAST YEAR we discussed a 504 plan to give the small spawn extra time during testing, additional help, and accommodations for other things (math word problems) that involved reading. I SIGNED THE DOCUMENT LAST SPRING.

december 10th this year i went in for a parent teacher conference.

there was NO record of a 504 plan. there was NO record of previous speech/reading intervention even though he's been doing it EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. since pre-k. there was no mention in his file of aspergers. there was no mention of every. single. fucking. conversation. that i've had EVERY. YEAR. with EVERY. TEACHER. about how to help him succeed in class.

NOTHING. not a single fucking thing in his file. 

where did FOUR years worth of information go?

as soon as i mentioned aspergers to THIS teacher she lit up, changed her whole perspective on the small spawn. see...she has a son with aspergers. SHE GETS IT. the one fucking year i didn't go in before school started to talk to the teacher. the one year i thought they had a plan in his file. the ONE FUCKING YEAR someone gets it and we've wasted half the school year already.

and now they want to start all over, test him, pull him out of the standardized class room and make everything a million times worse.

he's finally making friends. he's OFF THE CHARTS smart in math, science and history. he's never been a discipline problem in the classroom, he's always the first to help. he LOVES school. he LOVES learning.  and now they want to break all that, in the middle of the year, and place him in a segregated classroom? TO HELP HIM?

and i don't know what to do. if they test him and he "passes" he'll be pulled out of class (supposedly only after my approval). if he "fails" the tests then there's no other resources to help him since he's already tried them all.

i can't afford tutors. i can't afford outside classes or learning centers.

i've been beating myself up since he started school at my own inability to help him. ME, with the fucking literature degree can't even help my own son read. i haven't figured out how to teach him something that always came to easy to me.

i sat down and read with him tonight- the "big nate" books i got him for christmas.  he can read hyphenated words across line breaks. he can sight read words like "relationship", "omen", "backboard", "according" but he trips over "it" and "was" and "day". 

where would you even start? he can do complex math problems (for his age) but still gets b and d confused and puts his shoes on the wrong feet.

and so i research and read and i do what i always do when i have a problem: try to find a logical solution or step to take.

go ahead. google dyslexia. see if you can find a concrete learning plan or suggestion. see if you can find anything other than "there's no explanation or cure for it."

one of the most common learning problems and all they can say is: "yup. it happens. doesn't mean you're not smart. just means you process things differently."

WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

you win the captain obvious award for the day.

so i search iphone apps- there's has to be SOMETHING, right? somewhere to start?

105 apps pull up under a search for "dyslexia".

very few have more than a 2 start rating. most of those are typing tutors or apps that do NOTHING once you've installed them.

the khan academy is focused on math and sciences.

we've tried having the older spawn help (that's a TRAIN WRECK).

we've tried leap pad (didn't hold his attention).

we've tried study buddies at school (bully problems, he doesn't want to go anymore).

we've tried campus kids (interaction with a college student/mentor: cool, no help).

we've done reading intervention (kicked him out when he reached the level of his peers, then he digressed).

we've done flash cards (he gets frustrated too quickly).

we've done reading practice (we both get frustrated too quickly).

we've done wii/gameboy games (they're not fun like the other games available).

now what?

no really. i have no ideas left.

so. yeah, tuesday: you win.

but i will be back. i WILL find an answer. fuck you district 81. i WILL find help for my son.

writers block

i don't like to think of myself as a one track mind person. i would like to think of myself as this more evolved being that can set aside one problem and work on several other things- you know, the back burner theory.  

the older i get, the more i find myself fixated on one problem at a time, dog on a bone, not letting go until it's fixed.

what do you do when the thing you're fixated on isn't something you're really game to talk about?

if you end up like me, you're staring at a giant pile of writers block.

welcome to my week.

i'm not one to shy away from airing dirty laundry. i'm not one to shy away from revealing (usually embarrassing) personal details of my life. there are some things however that are *shockingly* off limits to me.

unusual concept.

so instead, it ends up being trivial dribble vomiting out in some sad attempt to strike another vein of writing or venting or giving voice to thought.

does anyone else hear the jeopardy theme song right now?

i've been addicted to the tv show numb3rs lately- if you're not familiar, the FBI uses a math specialist to formulate all sorts of fancy algorithms to solve crimes. i understand less than half the show, can't stand a few of the main characters, but i'm still somehow totally addicted.  the main character, whatever his name is, has a certain flaw that drives me NUTS: it ALWAYS looks like he has a dip in his lip. something about the way he talks, the way his mouth is shaped, i don't know, but it always looks like he's half a can of skoal in.

GROSS.

i hate chew. loathe. it smells like an old first aid kit to me. always has. back in the days of marriage he chewed- always disgusted me.  

more disturbing: i've run into more and more women lately who chew. I GET IT- it's not that much different from smoking. what's the difference between a guy and a girl smoking? so what's the difference between a guy and a girl chewing?

it's GROSS for both, but there's something even just an edge beyond about women chewing. maybe i'm sexist about some things. i'm ok with that. seeing a guy with a skoal ring in his jeans is one thing. seeing a girl with a skoal ring? no thanks.  seeing a guy with a spitter in a bar? thanks for not spitting on the floor at least.  seeing a girl with a spitter? ew. seriously, just ew. never understood it, never will.

went out to a western bar out in the valley last week called the roadhouse. yes, patrick swayze lives on. this  place is almost as bad as the before. packed full of every horrible stereotype eastern washington/northern idaho is known for. everything from real cowboys in their dirty baseball hats and worn out ropers to the city slickers in their polished stetsons and never scratched tony lamas. CAN'T MAKE THIS UP: saw a girl with a mudflap girl tramp stamp tattoo. nothing says super sexy like a mudflap girl right there in the middle of her buckle bunny back.  you know what i mean when i say buckle bunny, right? take your typical bar fly, put her in pigtails, too tight jeans, some kind of tied up flannel/plaid shirt, add a crappy cowboy hat, and she'll be going home with the biggest belt buckle in the bar ever. single. night.  the bartenders are typical bitches that ignore everyone but their friends or whomever happens to be yelling the loudest, the drinks are overpriced, the way the bar is run is sketchy at best, and the dj (dj camo) is playing the WORST mix of country music possible AND repeating half the songs by the time the night is over. the bar, of course, wouldn't be complete without a mechanical bull oh so cleverly named "yo mama" again- CAN'T MAKE THIS UP. unfortunately, there's enough business to keep this place open at least a little while, even as bad as it is.

THE POINT- there is a point. saw more WOMEN with chew in one night than i've ever seen. EVER. spitters were left on our table by people heading to the bathroom who were *gag* scraping the dip out of their lip and throwing it on the floor as they walked by.

i'm a country girl. correction: i'm a rural girl. grew up in a small town. bought my first pair of boots in high school. i was never a farm girl, never a ranch girl, purely one of the people that just liked to wear the clothes. had the high waisted wranglers, the keyhole cut out sleeveless shirts, the boots- this was back in the day when i had a midriff that didn't look TERRIBLE if it happened to peek out a little- not that it had much chance with those jeans.  i went to work at a power plant where jeans and boots were required work wear. to this day my boots are still my most comfortable shoes, even when half the uppers on my favorite pair were chewed off by a dog years ago (the design was discontinued so i can't get new/replacement ones). i've never milked a cow, i've never bucked a bale, i've never shot/killed/skinned/cooked my own meat. i have no idea how to churn butter or cook a meal for 18 farmhands or if farm life actually is different than it is in the Farmer Boy book. 

so maybe i'm missing a legit part of country life. maybe there's something real farm girls know that i don't. i'm a city slicker. i'd rather read books that muck a horse stall. the idea of crawling up in a hayloft with a cowboy while a BIT inciting is outweighed by the idea of how many spiders there are and how itchy the hay would be.  whatever it is i'm missing, I'M OK WITH THAT when it comes to chew. i'm good. ya'll can keep your long cut death in a can to yourselves.

SEE, this is what happens when you hit writers block. a rambling diatribe on how i'm not a country girl and i hate chew. 

i'm off to drink a glass of pasteurized, processed, sanitized, chemically enhanced milk now.  i've seen what happens when you drink milk straight out of the cow. i'll save that for when i REALLY need to lose 20 pounds in one day.

re-learning

have you every had just a total mind blowing moment that is so simple and logical that you can't believe it's taken so long to get there?

tonight i did a web chat as part of the "renew you" sessions. it ended up that i was the only one that logged on and HOLY HELL- it was a serious mind blowing hour. it's going to take me a few days to work through all the stuff that got crammed in my brain tonight and even longer to really get a grip on it and make it part of my thinking. the biggest part for me is un-learning the BAD stuff and replacing it with this new GOOD stuff.

when it comes to learning i've always been that needs that certain key to unlock things. i can read over and over and OVER a math problem and never be able to understand it. then finally someone will say it a different way and BAM. why was that so hard? once something is unlocked just wait and see what i can do with it.

that's the way i feel about what i learned tonight.

people have drilled into my head for YEARS the fucking question i loathe the most on earth: "where do you see yourself 5 years from now?"

BITCH, PLEASE.

i have no idea what i'm doing this weekend let alone 5 years from now. and are you fucking kidding me? who the fuck can plan out 5 fucking years? or 10 years? do you have any fucking idea how fast things can change? a two minute phone call and your whole world can be knocked on it's ass and shaken like a fucking snow globe at a parkinsons convention. 

making a 5 year plan is just challenging the universe to find out how many ways it can fuck you up between now and then.

tonight i was asked that same damn question and i just laughed. fuck if i know.

then it was rephrased:

"what do you want to experience most in the future?"

well HOLY FUCK. that's a total different question. but it's really not. what you want to experience most in the future? a feeling, a trip, a life change...you have to start now and work towards it. it will take time. sometimes...oh...say...a few years. maybe even 5. who knows?

what do i want to experience most in the future? 

now there's a fucking question i can answer and work towards with the right tools.

the second mind blowing thought was a basic principle i've heard for a while, but i didn't actually apply it: the 80/20 rule (or the pareto principle to be fancy): roughly 80% of the results come from 20% of the effort. 80% of the work comes from 20% of the workers. 80% of the income is received by 20% of the population.

follow this- it took me a while to wrap my head around it. 80% of the time i'm content. but that other 20% - that other 20% holds 80% of true happiness.

i'm not sure i'm phrasing it right- it's one of those things that will make sense for a few minutes, but by the time i try to write it out it's gone again.

so 80% of the time i'm mostly content, plugging along, no real reason to want to make a change or rock the boat. but that other 20% of the time- that's where 80% of the change and progress and happiness making will come from.

i think that makes a little more sense. still not sure i'm getting it quite right. bottom line- when i can get to the point where i make that last 20% really start working for me and kicking out results- can you imagine that? 80% more content, happy, positive in life? that's HUGE. it's exciting. it's something to work for.

here's the biggest one- this is going to take a LOT of practice, unlearning, refocusing, just a LIST of things to achieve:

you know that voice in your head? the one that's constantly talking to you and telling you you're not good enough, that other people are judging you, that you're judging you- that stupid fucking voice that just won't quit? that voice that makes you think people are talking about you, the voice that "shoulds" you, the voice that can just tear you apart? it's in your head, so it must be your voice, right? it's your own voice telling you what's wrong with yourself and how can you argue with yourself? if it's your own voice, it must be mostly right...right?

truth: the negative voice you hear in your head is NOT you. it's an amalgam, a compilation of all the things you've heard since you were little. it's a giant pile of what you've heard FROM OTHER PEOPLE. it's what you've heard, read, assumed, learned, experienced and listened to over and over until you thought it was your own voice. it's all other people though. ALL OF IT. all these things i keep telling myself, these things i've heard and said to myself over and over- it's not me. it's all the things i've heard and believed from others.

why am i letting other people dictate what i say and think to myself? where is MY voice?

WHO WOULD I BE WITHOUT THE VOICE THAT LISTENS TO ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE?

that's a HUGE fucking question for me. who would i be if i wasn't listening to every negative thing that i've heard from every other person forever. who would i be if i listened to ME and the things that i know to be real or false?

i don't know how this works yet. i don't know how to stop listening to that voice that's been playing in my head for 32 years. i know it will be hard to unlearn the negative and start finding my own voice in there that actually likes me. what if i could quit listening to my family saying i'm not good enough? if i could quit listening to the people that have said i'm not pretty or smart or worthwhile? what if i could start hearing that i am worthwhile. that i'm enough just as i am? and beyond hearing that- truly believing it? from my own voice?

that's a big step and it will take a LOT of un-learning and selective hearing. i've been trying for years- when something like that is so ingrained in from way too many years to count- it's not an easy process.

but.

it's powerful. the idea that i don't have to listen to the negative because it's not true. it's not my voice. it's all these other voices. i've never been able to turn it off or not listen to it before because it was my own voice. finding out it's just a badly programmed recording of all these horrible outside influences- that's a whole different ballgame.

being able to honestly believe that i have found a path to start liking myself? that i've found the way to work towards truthfully, humbly, and completely being able to say: "I am enough. I am worthwhile. I am loveable."

FUCK. that's powerful. it's this overwhelming feeling. it's like coming home.

so that's what i learned and what i'll be working on. 12 more weeks of this too...i'm excited (terrified) to learn more and really start working on me and figuring shit out finally. 

renew you

i spent a whole weekend cleaning, rearranging, painting, working on my office so i would have a space to write, yet here i am snuggled up in bed tap tap tapping away on my laptop like the crazy nuthouse i am.

at least the office looks nice.

it seems lately as if there's a LOT going on but nothing at the same time- perception is 9/10ths of the law, right? pretty sure that's right.

it seems like there's days of nothing at all followed by days like today where it's 2am and i'm just finally calling it quits on my "things to do" list. that time management thing? GOT. IT. DOWN.

more like the insomnia thing- fucking olympic professional at that shiz.

fuck. i've written and deleted four paragraphs about all different things. seems like i can't quite decide which train of thought wants to leave the station first.

we'll start here: i was invited by a friend to a "renew you" weekly class (for lack of a better word) that he's providing to work on self improvement for 2013. since that's one of the things on top of my list for the year- PERFECT TIMING. i'll do it!

here's the thing- i'm chicken shit when it comes to working on myself.

well, not really. i'm pretty damn good at recognizing my own patterns, what i'm doing, why i'm doing it, whatever cause/source is behind it. the thing i'm SHITTY at is making a change. having all the knowledge is shit if you don't actually use it.

here's what i wasn't expecting: the first "assignment" for renew you is this:

"In order to transform our lives, we first must acknowledge and bear witness to the pain that
is behind our desire to change. The questions below are designed to guide you through the
process of acknowledging the area of discomfort, concern, or pain that is most important to you
at this time."

My first thought: well, i don't really have a desire to change, there's nothing really causing pain or discomfort that i can think of...

*blink blink*

umm...do i even read my own blogs?

*sigh*

the TRUTH IS: there's plenty of things causing pain, BUT if i don't poke them, they don't hurt. right? and if i can just keep playing by those rules things are hunky dory.

i mean- how much do i really want to dig up? how many problems do i actually want to deal with? that sounds like a LOT of work. i'm TOTALLY fine the way i am...right?

crap on a cracker.

then you get into the questions for this- what is wrong? how do you talk to friends about it? how certain are you that this is the problem? what has this problem cost you? if the problem were magically solved overnight, how would life change?

and THEN we throw in the mix: what KIND of problems am i supposed to be focusing on/fixing?

i mean, i have PLENTY but need a direction first!

do we start with my self loathing? my insecurities and self value? do we jump straight for the big guns and my inability to have a healthy relationship because i don't believe anyone can actually tolerate me long enough to put in the reciprocal effort? maybe the issues stemming from the fucked up relationship with my mother? the fact that i still haven't properly dealt with the death of my brother and my father?

or are we talking about issues like: don't do laundry every weekend like i should or have a bad habit of avoiding issues that i don't want to deal with (oh the irony...perhaps that's the place to start).

i got 99 issues and picking the first one to start working on just became one.

shitballs.

do i get points for at least knowing what my issues are even if i don't want to deal with them?


looks like that train left the station just fine.what's the next one?

new years goals update: i've been working on it!
had my first dinner party sunday night- LEARNING CURVE. things that need work: learning how to invite people. i invited just enough people or so i thought. only having limited space/dishes i kept the list small but varied, sent out invites and...forgot to follow up. awesome. it ended up that almost everyone didn't make it, BUT it was still fun with the two that did! and they were lucky enough to be sent home with TONS of left overs. SO: next month- invites, calls, messages, follow up, check in, GET PEOPLE HERE. also need to work on a way to let people know that while i wish i had a mary poppins house, i can't get every one in all at once and i don't want to be repeating the same people every month. i want to get to all the people that i've been saying "we need to get together" to for MONTHS (my poor aunt probably thinks i've forgotten about her...and my old co-workers). i don't want to offend people by leaving some out, but basic numbers say that it will happen. hmmm...should have taken those "mrs." classes in college. "proper table settings" and "how to invite your husbands boss to dinner" would be handy.

cooking at home: been doing that! see the above smashing success dinner party (at least in the food category. take the wins where you can.) maybe not the HEALTHIEST foods...after all, potato soup made with whipping cream can't exactly be #1 on the weight watchers list, but it's still better than processed fast food all the time...right? at least a smidge better i hope...

working out...ha ha ha ha ha. i'll get there eventually. i AM taking better care of myself though, so that's a start. daily vitamins, eating breakfast, lunch (sometimes), and dinners. i'm working on the getting up earlier every day (tomorrow doesn't count) and being all ooo...breakfast, proper getting ready, off to work like a grown up thing.

postings- well, there was one last week, and one this week...not prolific, but steady at least.

home: we did clean out the office, my room and the spawns room. there was a HUGE stack for the local charity pick up last week. it was NICE to see it all go. i'm currently working on the garage- have managed to move a few things out, hit a few road bumps, working on getting the rest out. most of the big plans will have to wait for spring/summer, but in the mean time just keeping things up better around the house is happening, even the teenager is arguing less about doing dishes and helping keep things straightened up. MUCH easier when it's all together instead of one against 2 (and a dog...he's not doing his share. asshole.).
 i'm still working on job solutions. applied for several full time/benefits jobs, a few part time no benefits but more stable/secure that could turn into full time with benefits. now it's just a waiting game...

there's a few random things left rattling around- possibly a new boy to write about (no train wreck yet, but you know it's coming). there's a long winded rant i'll get out of my system eventually about religion and whatnot. there's plenty of changes afoot...just waiting for shoes to drop.

for now- the whole "get to bed early, get up early, be a responsible adult" thing is reminding me it's overdue.

random fact: studies show that putting deodorant/anti-antiperspirant on at night before bed will help it work better the next day by helping it absorb into your system while you sleep. odd but true. now you know. 

poor ms. fluffington

i have to laugh a little bit when people say i'm a force to be reckoned with. i am the exact opposite of a confrontational person. sure, i'll think of a MILLION thing to say, but i'll never actually say any of them. i can draft and rewrite and rehearse the most powerful, poignant, eloquent, point hitting speeches IN MY HEAD. 
when it comes to actually confronting people or problems however: i'm useless. completely, totally, silently USELESS. i cry when i get too emotional- angry, frustrated, scared, mad, hurt, you name it, start the fucking waterworks. and not in a "oh, look at me throwing a crying fit" kind of way, just in the "this is a physiological response i can't help" kind of way. it's so fucking annoying. is there a surgery to remove tear ducts? that would be great.

why do i bring this up? because there's a few changes i need to make in my life and i'm TERRIFIED to confront them. there's people i need to deal with, issues that have long since needed put to bed, shit going on that just needs to be done and over.

and i just. can't. do. it.

i'm immobilized by the if's, and's and but's of it. you want to know the worst that can happen? i have the top 100 reactions to every situation in my mind, and trust me, i've gone over them a million times each. yes, this is what it's like to live with a brain that will never shut off.

worst part is, most times i do bite the bullet and just get something over with- the reaction is similar to what's in my head on the worst end of things. NOT ALWAYS, but a few times is all it takes to be terrified of a repeat.

i know i could say it all here, in type. i know i could exactly lay out every bullet point in logical, perfect order in a way i could NEVER do in a conversation. so why don't i? because i'm a chicken. i'm afraid that maybe someone will read it and want to have a discussion about it. i'm afraid that it will seem passive aggressive and wishy washy. i'm afraid that if i let myself rely on text then i'll never learn to put on my big girl panties and deal with things head on.

but i've got this quite splendid track record of train wrecks to prove why it's usually better to just keep my trap shut. so. damned if i do, damned if i don't. instead i just sit here drafting speeches that will never gain voice in my head, letting them rattle around over and over, driving myself just a little more cerebrally insane each day. it's quite delightful. well, in the way that fresh squeezed lemon juice on a paper cut is. 

i need to learn somehow how to have discussions that don't end in nuclear explosion brawls. i need to learn how to state my point, and listen to the rebuttal without getting offended or defensive. i need to learn how to talk to people before i'm at the quitting line.

welcome to every break up i've ever been through- friend or lover. a million little things that if discussed could have been resolved, but i let them back build until it's one giant rush of FUCK YOU I'M DONE! and tact and manners and decorum go out the window, every issue comes pouring out in the most verbally hurtful way, the torches come out, and some bridges get fucking burned. 

instead of a simple "you know, i'm quite unhappy with the situation."

it's becomes: "YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHAT AND I HATE EVERY LITTLE THING ABOUT YOU. i want to punch your mother in the vagina for giving birth to you. i want too build a delorian time machine and go back to nine months before you were born and slap your father in the face for even thinking about polluting your mother with his fuckwit juice. i want to feed your pet kitten ms. fluffington to a shark while you watch in horror. i want to tie you down and force feed you tofu while i eat a giant steak. i want to break ALL the chips in your brand new bag before you get any. YOU ASSHOLE."

so. i suppose that's another thing to add to the list of improvements for 2013. any ideas on how to practice?