i do what i want

i'm single. that's a well established fact. every now and again i catch myself being...well...me...and i think: "how the fuck would this EVER work if there was a boy around?"

like right now for example: sitting smack dab in the middle of my bed, middle of the night (well, late night at least), clacking away on my laptop. what would happen if there was a boy in this scenario? would i have to type my random crap earlier so we could go to bed? would i have to learn to type somewhere besides my bed? would i have to pick a side? STOP PRESSURING ME. WE'RE BREAKING UP.

oh wait...calm down, that was hypothetical.

but it's true- i catch myself in the routines ive developed over the last 14 years of living alone and wonder how the hell i would ever be able to include someone else in our crazy. like singing (badly) and dancing in the kitchen while cleaning or making dinner- would i ever let someone else see that? or what about the way i put all the dishes away in very specific spots- could i tolerate someone else messing that up?

maybe the right person would just fit in and there wouldn't be issues. but there will always be issues- what happens when i need to shave my legs or pluck my eyebrows? do i need to wait for him to leave before i do all that? preserve some of the mystery and all that shit?

i randomly think of these things- as i'm hanging my bras over the shower curtain to dry, as i'm dropping stacks of clothes on the chair in my room instead of putting them away. as i'm bogarting the remote control once again because there isn't anyone else around. i've shared space with people on a very limited time span. a few months here and there- hell, even when i was married back in the dark ages i worked days and he worked swing shift so we were hardly ever home together besides the weekends.

but i do wonder. about the little things and the big things. besides the daily quirky stuff, how would i adjust to someone being around the kids all the time on the good days AND the bad days? could i let someone co-parent? what about my temper? i can only keep it in check so long- what's it going to be like when some poor guy has to watch an epic snapped moment?

i guess there's not point in worrying about something that quite possibly may never happen- or at least for a good while. maybe i'll get struck with lightening and become "normal" by then. stranger things have happened.

for now, i'm going to stay in the middle of my bed and be as neurotic and weird as i want. only the dog has to tolerate me for now.