end of the rope

i HATE nights like tonight. all the big spawn wants to do is argue. i ask him 20 times (not exaggerating) to stop arguing and go to his room and all he does is keep yelling at me. the whole issue tonight was him being mean to his brother.

the little spawn is prone to pretty severe headaches that often make him sick to his stomach. tonight at dinner he wasn't feeling well because of a headache. big spawn called him a sissy and told him to shut up and eat his dinner.

i almost exploded.

the big spawn has been progressively meaner and more vicious as of late. the comments are quieter so i cant hear them. the hitting is when i'm not looking or when i'm not home. it's BAD.

tonight the little spawn went to bed early and didn't even eat his dinner. at a loss of what else to do, i asked the big spawn to spend the night researching autism/aspergers and suicide rates. studies show that kiddos with aspergers are extremely more prone to depression and suicide. bullying at school, bullying at home- the little spawn is getting it from all sides.

instead of actually researching and learning anything, the big spawn took this as an opportunity to try to tell me what an idiot i am. he read 10 google articles, took an online test, pulled up some "facts" from a netflix documentary he watched and informed me that the small spawn doesn't even have aspergers.

well. glad to know that he's better at diagnosis than the speech, behavior and clinical therapists the small spawn has worked with. glad he's better at figuring these things out than doctors or teachers or even me.

i'm glad he's spent years breaking patterns, getting therapy, going to doctors appointments, sitting through blood tests, working endlessly to make sure it doesn't seem like the small spawn has anything at all different.

and he sits here and argues and argues and argues with me about how wrong i am and how it doesn't even matter anyway. who cares if he insults his brother? who cares if he makes fun of him? it doesn't matter..

UMM...I DO. I CARE. and his little brother cares. he hears every word from the big brother he looks up to. he hears and remembers every. single. insult.

and it just. doesn't. stop.

i ask him to stop talking. and he keeps yelling at me. i ask him to go to his room. and he keeps yelling at me. he finally stomps up the stairs while still yelling at me and i ask him to come back down and walk up the stairs the right way and the whole time he is STILL yelling at me. and i ask him over and over to PLEASE. STOP. TALKING.

and he just. doesn't. stop.

he finally goes to his room for a few minutes then comes back down and starts all over again. why am i so mad at him? it's stupid. i'm stupid. he's just trying to have an intelligent conversation and bring another view to the table.

NO. you're being insulting and mean and i don't need to listen to it. it is NOT an intelligent conversation. as soon as you say "maybe he's just a retard like 90% of america" it has STOPPED being ANY kind of conversation i will allow in my house.

and i ask him again to PLEASE. STOP. TALKING. and he just keep on and keeps on and starts cursing at me.

and i ask him again to go to his room and instead he stomps out the back door.

now i know: pick your battles. going outside to get some air may not seem like the worst thing, but he may not blatantly disrespect and disobey me like that. especially in the middle of something where he's already disrespecting me and talking over and insulting me.

and it just escalates and escalates.

and soon he's flinging his arms at me "not hitting" me. and so i restrain him in a half nelson, still asking him to stop talking. then he elbows me in the face with his free arm. and it just gets worse. and i'm trying like FUCK to control my temper. i had to pin him down to the kitchen floor while he's kicking the appliances and trying to elbow me still. he's 14. my height. and he's trying like hell to fight me. and i hold him in a half cradle and tell him as soon as he's quiet he can get up. and he STILL. KEEPS. YELLING. AT. ME.

i don't know what to do.

i'm at the end of my rope.

what do you do with a kid who doesn't care at all about other people? he makes fun of kids at school that have lost siblings to suicide. he tears apart his little brother for simple things- spelling a word wrong or having a hard time reading. he is brutal to anyone he thinks is stupid (90% of people). he has zero empathy. my own son gay bashes in my house. he makes fun of everything from AIDS to depression.

and I KNOW. therapy. TRUST ME, I'VE TRIED. but all he hears from the other side of the fence is "we don't need therapy. we take care of our problems ourselves."

I CAN'T DO IT. i'm not equipped or trained or educated on how to deal with this. and i sure as fuck can't keep going the way it is. i refuse to be disrespected in my own home. i refuse to be called an idiot. it tears me to shreds every time i get into any kind of physical interaction with my own child. i feel sick to my stomach and it takes days to pull myself back together again. i can't keep living like this. i don't know what else to do with him. it's like a terrible cycle of abuse- he's fine for a few days then BAM it all starts again. FROM A TEENAGER. it is NOT ok. he CAN NOT treat people like this.

and i'm sure it's hurt and anger and everything else from what he's been through that's just bottled up inside and he doesn't know how to deal with it either. but it's poison. and it's killing us all. and i don't know where to go or what to do. and i'm terrified.

**additional thoughts a few hours later**

I get it. life as a teenager is hard. he's trying to do the girlfriend thing, he's trying to be the cool guy at school. it's all ego and appearance right now. he has to be the big dog on top.

and I get that he's probably sorting through a lot of strange stuff today that he doesn't know how to verbalized. hell, he just spent the weekend with his dads deceased wife's family up in the middle of no where basically by himself. his dad couldn't make it over the pass and the spawn only kinda knows these people- that had to have been a fuck hard and strange weekend. not to mention they are not at ALL like we are- they're very quiet, reserved people. a whole weekend of that on his own. I mean- I get why he was picking a fight today. but that doesn't make it right. he needs to learn to talk to me instead of being arrogant and putting on this show. he can't keep hiding behind this asshole attitude. if he's having a shitty day JUST SAY SO. hell, that's something I'm still learning though, so I guess I can't expect him to master it at 14. but holy hell. we have to work something out.

New York: the fairy tale isn't over

if you don't know about New York then this won't make any sense at all. maybe it still will. nothing makes much sense right now.

all i know is i'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face trying like FUCK to make any sense of this world.

and for once it's not in a bad way. it's in this crazy, completely unbelievable amazing way. half of me is terrified to write it because it just sounds too ridiculous, too good to be true. half of me wants to remember this forever no matter what else happens. half of me still can't believe there's more to add to the memory.

new york. my almost fairy tale.

turns out, the story isn't quite over.

out of the blue yesterday i had a facebook message pop up on my phone. the fact that it even came through is a slight miracle in itself- i was up in BFE farmland with a friend from out of town, in the rain, traipsing through a corn maze and buying pumpkin donuts.

"Hey sherry, how is every thing going? Things are going shitty for me what is your phone number? Mine is (if you think i'm letting y'all poach him youre crazy) I just need somebody to talk to."

i messaged back as soon as i could-dirty details aside: LIFE SUCKS SOMETIMES. shit hitting fan, been there, not a good place to be.

not only was it a friend in need, it was new york. my new york. the one i think about all the time. my almost ever after. he needed a friend to talk to and reached out to me. after all these years, after not seeing him in way too long to know, that connection is still there on his side too.

so he calls me, from England. and we talk. and it's like there hasn't been any time away. it's like i just talked to him yesterday. and we're talking and holy fuck it hits me like a freight train- all these emotions. how much i really have missed him and my heartache for him right now. i would give ANYTHING to be able to hug him in person.

and he wants to know why i'm not snagged up yet. i didn't even think about it. no edit button, no thought, it just blurted out:

"because i'm waiting for you. i've got the house, the kids, the dog. i'm just waiting for you. it's always been you."

if you know me, you know i'm not a particularly emotional person when it comes to guys. i've broken up with them for saying much less to me. and here i am blurting this out. laying it all on the line. to someone i haven't even talked to since january. and almost a full year before that. holy shit, where did that come from.

new york: "i should have married you years ago."

HOLY.

SHIT.

he said it to me back then. we actually fought about it back then. he told me he loved me, i told him to shut up. he said he wanted to marry me, he just had a few things to do first.

well. here we are, 8 years later, and we've both gotten our things to do out of the way.

and here we are, those emotions, still there.

we joked about me going to visit him in England. there's no way i can just GO to England. but how fitting would it be? i picked him up at the airport years ago. now it would be his turn to pick me up. any way he could get me a military flight? he could if i was his spouse. huh- i'm not opposed to that. neither is he.

and then the bastard drops this on me:

"you know, if you come visit me i could take you to Shakespeare's house."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? does this boy know exactly how to seduce me or what?

and we talk about back then and we talk about now. and it's just there. that same connection.

he's the one that got away. he's always been in the back of my mind. just this week i drove out near the base twice. a section of town i NEVER go to. and it made me think of him. i drove past the dominos where we got pizza 8 years ago. my oldest son still remembers him coming up to visit us. he couldn't have been more than 6 at the time. and then my new york calls me.

we skyped, weve been texting. it's like going back in time 8 years in the best way possible.

i called in back up last night to talk to someone about this and i was in tears, shaking, SO MUCH EMOTION.

and last night talking with that friend i brought up going to England. was i crazy to even remotely think about it?

she posed one question to me: in 30 years, would i regret not going?

YES. period. end of sentence. YES i would regret not going. yes, i would regret not knowing if i could have my happy ever after. yes, i would regret not finding if it the one that got away could come back. yes, i would regret not taking the chance. yes, i would regret it and always wonder what if. 

YES. I WANT TO GO TO LONDON.



and so the planning begins. he can take time off. i can figure out a way to get there. we can find out what's there. or not there. or whatever. i'm applying for a passport ASAP (mine expired a few years ago). i'm looking up plane tickets. i'm scheduling things with friends.

if karma holds out just a little longer, i'll be in london november 21.

holy fuck.

am i really planning this?

it's taken about 12 hours to write this. every time i re-read it i cry. so many damn emotions. after eight damn years. how can i not be planning this? i'm going to fucking london. i'm going after my almost ever after. it's fucking crazy. i don't even know. but i'm doing it.

i do what i want

i'm single. that's a well established fact. every now and again i catch myself being...well...me...and i think: "how the fuck would this EVER work if there was a boy around?"

like right now for example: sitting smack dab in the middle of my bed, middle of the night (well, late night at least), clacking away on my laptop. what would happen if there was a boy in this scenario? would i have to type my random crap earlier so we could go to bed? would i have to learn to type somewhere besides my bed? would i have to pick a side? STOP PRESSURING ME. WE'RE BREAKING UP.

oh wait...calm down, that was hypothetical.

but it's true- i catch myself in the routines ive developed over the last 14 years of living alone and wonder how the hell i would ever be able to include someone else in our crazy. like singing (badly) and dancing in the kitchen while cleaning or making dinner- would i ever let someone else see that? or what about the way i put all the dishes away in very specific spots- could i tolerate someone else messing that up?

maybe the right person would just fit in and there wouldn't be issues. but there will always be issues- what happens when i need to shave my legs or pluck my eyebrows? do i need to wait for him to leave before i do all that? preserve some of the mystery and all that shit?

i randomly think of these things- as i'm hanging my bras over the shower curtain to dry, as i'm dropping stacks of clothes on the chair in my room instead of putting them away. as i'm bogarting the remote control once again because there isn't anyone else around. i've shared space with people on a very limited time span. a few months here and there- hell, even when i was married back in the dark ages i worked days and he worked swing shift so we were hardly ever home together besides the weekends.

but i do wonder. about the little things and the big things. besides the daily quirky stuff, how would i adjust to someone being around the kids all the time on the good days AND the bad days? could i let someone co-parent? what about my temper? i can only keep it in check so long- what's it going to be like when some poor guy has to watch an epic snapped moment?

i guess there's not point in worrying about something that quite possibly may never happen- or at least for a good while. maybe i'll get struck with lightening and become "normal" by then. stranger things have happened.

for now, i'm going to stay in the middle of my bed and be as neurotic and weird as i want. only the dog has to tolerate me for now.

best.week.ever.

i don’t write posts like this very often. i probably should. it’s good to acknowledge and document when things are going REALLY well so that the next time the shit hits the fan you can look back and go- well, that week was kick ass and i’m sure there will be another one soon.

i had a deep thought type thing today- almost posted it to facebook since everyone knows that’s THE place to share deep thoughts. but i didn’t. so it’s here instead, then we’ll get back to the main point.

deep thought of the day: every morning it’s good to take a moment to look back at what was, what never was, and what never will be. BUT JUST A MOMENT. then get back to what is and what you want to be and what you can make it be.

how fucking deep is that shit? people always tell you not to look back or dwell on the past and i say NAY PEOPLE. that’s a fancy word for no if you weren’t aware. I SAY NAY. you should look back. acknowledge it for what it was. recognize the past is what go you to today. just don’t dwell on it. take a moment- not even a minute, just a moment. look at it. acknowledge it. give it a cool guy head nod. then get back to kicking asss today.

i know. i just blew all your minds. all three of you that read this. you’re welcome.

now back to the main point of this post. i have had, quite possibly, the best week i can remember in my entire life. exaggerating? really not. jinxing myself because it’s only thursday night? probably. but even if friday sucked, the average of the whole week would be enough to keep this one in the top five for sure.

it’s actually been quite the streak as of late- can’t even limit it to this week- last week was pretty damn good too- great wine night saturday with friends, dinner and a productive meeting sunday. but monday really did just kick this week off in a big ass way.

monday i was a real, true grown up- got up in time, did the whole getting ready for work, grabbed breakfast, remembered my vitamins and my lunch AND made tea. doesn’t sound like much, but in my chaotic morning life (i hate mornings with a deep pure hate) it was a big thing. made for a great/productive day at work. not too shabby for a monday. got home that afternoon and in the mail there was an unexpected check waiting for me. not sure how or where or what, but it was one last check from my dad’s estate. honestly, no clue how it came to be. it’s been over 2 years. i thought everything was long since settled. it came at just the right time. between switching jobs again, trying to get caught up on bills, trying to stay above water, it’s been tight on the basics. then there’s all the other stuff- property taxes, parking tickets, cub scout uniforms, school dance clothes, miscellaneous bills, walmart runs that have been postponed...all the CRAP that ends up stacking up when you’re not looking. i’ve been treading water for a while which is a huge success in itself, but this- the check wasn’t gigantic, but it was more than enough to cover all that stuff listed. i have been stressing about my property taxes for months. didn’t pay the first half because i plain and simply couldn’t. now the second half is due and still no clue how it was going to get paid. i didn’t have the ability (or honestly remember that i was supposed to) “pay myself rent” and set aside money each month for taxes. turns out that buying a home thing doesn’t end when you sign the papers. this check covered that. my dad is still watching out for me 2 years later and helping bail me out of my mistakes. EVEN BETTER- when i looked at the tax slip to pay the bill, i noticed a “prior owing” section for the second half of LAST YEAR’s taxes. are you fucking kidding me? i didn’t pay those either. FUCK. now instead of 2k, it’s going to be 2,863. shit. called in to the county to verify- oh, i was looking at an outdated form or something, the second half of last year was paid in february. by me. totally don’t remember writing that check (they had it on record as my personal check) but i’ll take it! i guess i can be a responsible adult when i’m not looking.

so taxes: PAID. and for $800ish less than i thought. AWESOME. not bad news for a tuesday. paid up all the parking tickets (“stupid tax” hurts!). paid all the regular monthly bills, paid of a few other measly little accounts, tried to do the responsible adult thing. i’ve been able to get the kiddos the things they need from picture money, school dance fancy clothes (the big spawn got invited to a high school homecoming dance), cub scouts uniforms. they say money can’t buy happiness, but it sure as fuck can relieve a LOT of stress and make it easier to find happiness in other places...

like GREAT FUCKING FRIENDS. seriously. i feel so lucky right now with the great people that i get to interact with all the time. i have some of the best people a girl could ask for: people that are real, honest, supporting, loving and just THERE when i need a boost up. the crew for the magazine is GREAT. we’ve gone through some rough patches as a growing publication, this week has been no exception to the growing pains, but through it all we’ve worked together, supported each other- core team, design team and beyond. our crew is just fucking phenomenal to work with right now. it’s people that are involved because they WANT to be involved. we’re all passionate about it in different ways and the overall effect of that is fucking CRAZY to watch. it’s beautiful and inspiring and exactly what it needs to be. it’s been great. inside the magazine i love that the people i’m working with are teaching me i have talent, ability, a valuable opinion and voice. those same people outside the magazine are kicking my ass every day teaching me that i’m a beautiful person inside and out. i deserve good things in life. i deserve happiness and good people and a positive environment. they support and accept me as i am, they believe in me. they’ve helped me boost my self image and self value and HOLY FUCK does that make a huge difference in EVERYTHING.

back to the main point again- this week has just been fucking phenomenal. it’s not about the money that came in (although it helped for sure). it’s about the fact that good things have been happening. good people have been happening. i’ve been able to support the people around me and they’ve supported me back in turn. i’ve been able to spend great time building friendships new and old. i’ve been learning to listen to the positive voices- random stranger on the street telling me i’m beautiful to friend that have been trying to drill the same thing into my head for the last eight years (i’m learning sir, thanks for being patient) and set aside the old horrible voices that just kept wanting to tear me down. i had a huge moment last week where i went through some crazy deep, raging anger but i had people there to listen and hear me and help me work through it and address and dismiss the source of it. do you know how fucking great it feels to let anger go? and how great it is to have people that not only listen to you and help you through it but also take the time to help you find the lesson in it and help you grow in a healthy way from it?

i had dinner last night with an outstanding, adorable gentleman where we were able to talk and enjoy each other’s company for 4 hours. it was a positive, fun, thoroughly enjoyable evening. i’ve been able to spend afternoons and weekends with the spawns for quite a while without  crazy and drama and arguments (within reason- there is still a teenager in the house, we have our moments). there has just been positive and good from all directions.

it wouldn’t be me if i didn’t say that there is still a part of me that’s holding out- in the back corner there’s this little voice saying it’s too good to be true, when the other shoe drops it’s going to be fucking hiroshima around here, there’s something else going on, it can’t be all this positive without a huge backlash coming around the bend.

maybe. i don’t know. maybe there is something coming. but i can’t worry about that today. i’m learning that. i’m learning to silence that voice. the voice that says things can’t be good for me. the voice that says it’s only good because something bad is coming. i’m learning to ENJOY THE GOOD. why should i worry about tomorrow when i have NO IDEA what it will bring? why waste that energy when i can be celebrating all the GREAT things that are happening right now? the little spawn has been selected for a special tutoring program. the big spawn is off the charts in his school placement testing. i’m part of a team producing a successful magazine. TODAY there are great people around me and GREAT things going on. and you know what? i’m going to fucking enjoy it and appreciate the shit out of it. i’m going to be grateful that all these healthy people have been in and are still coming into my life. i’m going to take the time to look at today, look at the last week, be the annoying obnoxious happy pollyanna that won’t shut up about all the cool shit happening.

it’s been a fanfuckingtastic week. and i appreciate that. and i’m excited about it. and whatever tomorrow brings, today was a great fucking day. and i’m so thankful i’ve been able to say that so many days lately.

the stupid tax

i'm not the smartest of people. i don't mean that in a mean, self destructive way. i mean that in a "REALLY? DID I JUST DO THAT AGAIN?" kind of way. not always the sharpest crayon in the box, but damn it, i'm still fucking pretty!

the corporate world has a nifty thing built into it that i like to call the "stupid tax." it's also called the "too poor to be poor" tax, the "broke ass bitch" tax, and a million other things. these taxes come in the form of bank over draft fees, credit card over limit fees, late fees, disconnect/reconnect fees...you get the general idea.

i shudder to think how much money i've wasted on the "stupid tax" over the years. i would probably throw up if i ever saw the actual number in print in front of me.

i discovered another fee tonight- the READ THE FUCKING PAPERWORK YOU DUMBASS fee. this one is to the tune of over a thousand dollars. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS.

see. i bought a house last year. nifty and all, but there's this thing called property taxes- i ASSumed that all the taxes were paid for the year when i bought the house. i didn't receive a bill in the mail last year, so i didn't pay attention to it. i've never owned a house before. i've never had a mortgage. i've never had anything besides rent. property taxes are a new world for me. and i'm a fucking idiot. not only were the second half of last years taxes NOT paid, i didn't plan ahead to pay the ones for this year. WELL- not totally true. yes, i didn't plan ahead, but i also made the mistake of dumping ALL my savings into working on the house and didn't leave any set aside for the taxes. this year has been an adventure with jobs and paychecks and covering my ass- more than slightly humiliating to be broke as fuck but own my house and car outright. not sure how that works, but there's pretty but not sharp crayon thing kicking in again. so. i've been slightly back-burner stressed out all year about my property taxes. didn't pay the first half, and here it is october and the second half is due. FUCK ME RUNNING. i'm just now getting leveled out on paychecks and bills and things and not only do i owe property taxes for this year, i'm a fucking idiot that didn't read the paperwork and i owe the property taxes for LAST year (the second half) as well.

*sigh*

 somewhere out there my dad is shaking his head at me. and bailing my ass out one more time. somehow, some way a check came in the mail today. one more pay out from my dad's estate. it's been over two years. i have no fucking clue where this last check came from. and wouldn't you know it, it's enough to cover my property taxes.

 it's enough to make a girl cry while laughing while missing the fuck out of her daddy.

32 damn years old enough to know better, he's been gone 2 years, and he's still being patient and teaching me.

SO. i'm writing a fucking huge check to the county tomorrow and writing another check to my self to start saving up for NEXT year's taxes. here's what i've learned: even when you don't have rent or mortgage payments, you still have to pay yourself. and probably not just for property taxes. if i had any sense about me, there would be a house fund for when things eventually hit the fan like they do in every house- water heaters, roofing, electrical, etc.

thank you dad, for bailing me out once again. i'm still learning.