there's a lot of talk again about how unplanned pregnancies are easily solved by adoption.
just put the baby up for adoption if you don't want it.
like a cleaning trend: if it doesn't spark joy, get rid of it.
that's what it feels like when people talk about placing a baby up for adoption.
it is NOT like that.
not at all.
i grew up in a small timber town in the top corner of washington state between idaho and canada.
we moved (back) to town in 1982 after my folks split: my mom, brother and i. my mother had graduated there, her family was there.
my mom raised us baptist for a long time. every sunday morning, sunday night, and wednesday at church. i still haven't been able to quite piece everything together, but sometime around the early 90's we switched to the evangelical church. something about my mother getting remarried and dogma around divorce/second marriages.
if you don't know about the baskin robbins flavors of christianity, the baptists are the ones that hate long haired hippies and people who dance. the evangelicals are the ones who hate everyone.
when we switched churches, all the friends i had grown up with were suddenly off limits. i wasn't allowed to be friends with kids at school outside the church youth group.
i was already socially awkward, throw in severe social restrictions, mix in some slight rebellion (more a desire to fit in) and mid 90's teen angst...you get 1997. i was 17 and on the cheer squad because my brother told me theater was embarrassing. being a cheerleader meant you dated a football player. if you dated a football player you had to have sex with him. and so i did and i got pregnant. the first time. LUCKY ME!
the give a mouse a cookie of teen pregnancy.
october 1997 i got pregnant after my first time having sex.
me.
the evangelical goody two shoes virgin. the no sex til marriage purity pledge. it was an open joke and challenge around school as to who would "pop my cherry." i had literally *just* returned from a two week mission trip in italy where i did street mime. yes, that is a real sentence and a real thing that i did. two weeks in belluno, italy as part of a missionary group performing 4 different street mime skits for jesus.
after word got out that i was knocked up, i had kids come up to me and say HOLY CRAP, IF IT HAPPENED TO YOU IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE.
that's right. you're never worthless, you can always be the bad example.
YOU'RE WELCOME CLASSMATES I TERRIFIED INTO BLOW JOBS ONLY.
why didn't i use birth control? my mom worked at the tri-county health building that had birth control, WIC, and county records all in the same building. i would have had to walk past the WIC desk, where my mother sat, to the window opposite of her to be checked in to sit in the shared waiting room.
why didn't i have the sex talk with my mom? well, for context of how many conversations we ever had about sexual health: i was in the abstinence only class when i was 8 months pregnant.
EVEN PREGNANT she didn't want me to "learn about that dirty sex stuff."
condoms? he was catholic, so, you know, nope.
in a tiny rural town of 5,000 the nearest planned parenthood clinic (only ever referred to then as "abortion clinic") was over an hour away. i had no way to get there, no money to pay for one, oh, and the strict religious upbringing that absolutely removed termination as an option.
side note: at the time, my aunt, a pediatric NICU nurse, worked at the clinic. i remember overhearing her say once that she worked at the clinic to help prevent some of the kids she saw in the NICU and in her side work as a child hospice worker. there were some very interesting conversations i'm sure i was never intended to overhear.
for my situation, the language used today would be forced birth. that's hard for me to adjust to. it really is the same language, it was just disguised better. it didn't feel like forced birth. it was just the consequences of actions. since i made the decision to have sex, i was responsible for whatever happened after that.
now, i can see the nuance of lack of education about sexual reproduction. the lack of education about birth control.
i can see now the pressure of religion- purity culture. patriarchal values. subservient lifestyle expectations. pro-life rhetoric. "for every baby that's aborted there's a family waiting to adopt!" outright scare tactics. medical misrepresentation. extremist examples.
i can see now the pressure of generational trauma. my grandmother was pregnant before she was married in the 40's and her family excommunicated her because of it.
my mother got pregnant with me by accident. i was a birth control baby born in the middle of a few affairs and an abusive marriage.
and then me.
three generations of surprise babies. i know my family isn't the only one.
i had two options: adoption or parenthood.
i did counseling. i did workbooks. i journaled. i spent all those months making lists and reasons and studying and researching and interviewing and asking questions. i talked to perspective couples. i talked to women who had placed babies for adoption. i talked to women who "had been wild" when they were younger (never directly said abortion but was heavily implied).
i had families write me letters of interest.
one family was maybe considering having kids, they hadn't tried yet, this would save them the effort.
one family had been trying to have kids and hadn't been able to yet.
one family had two older boys already. he was a doctor, she raised the kids.
one family had already adopted one little boy and wanted to adopt more.
the first couple just didn't sit right. they hadn't even tried yet. that was a massive red flag.the second couple was nice. they had been trying for a little while to have a kid and it just wasn't working. they were the son/daughter-in-law of an elder couple at my parent's church. the elder couple that told me it was ok that i was pregnant. they knew i must have been raped because i wasn't one of those trashy girls. HOW MAGNANIMOUS OF YOU. their blind, and wildly wrong assumption still irks me to this day. if i had admitted to just being a regular teenager having sex i would have been beyond redemption. but they were magnanimously willing to save me from this terrible trauma by taking it off my hands.
yeah. you get the idea. hard pass.
the third family were fantastic, some of the nicest people i've ever met. he was so tall. she was so warm and loving. they lived in a gorgeous a-frame cabin in the woods with their two boys who were so polite and on board with having another sibling. the absolute nicest couple. he offered and followed through on being my anesthesiologist, no matter what i decided, when the time came. they wrote me the kindest letter. i really wanted to pick them.
the last couple were the ones i had picked IF i decided on adoption. remember that baptist church i grew up in? he was the new assistant pastor there. they had already adopted one little boy and were so open and kind to me about how it worked, what they went through, how they planned to raise their son. the wife was so kind to me. sat with me for hours and let me ask questions and talk to her. they understood that i was still struggling with the decision of IF but had agreed to adopt my son if that's what i chose.
looking back now...that must have been so hard on them. i've seen the other side now, hopeful adoptive parents devastated by a mother who changed her mind at the last minute.
i remember even then trying to be aware and respectful of that. being open and honest that i wasn't even sure IF adoption was the choice for me. i didn't want to get anyone's hopes up or lead them on.
adoption was not something i considered lightly. from either direction.
but i knew that i wasn't having a baby. i was having a 5 year old, a 10 year old, a teenager.
i wasn't having a cute cabbage patch doll that would be fun for a while. this would be a whole ass human being completely dependent on me, forever and ever amen.
i understood the full impact and weight of the choice. i knew, if i decided to raise my baby, i was deciding that baby came first, no matter what. that baby would deserve the absolute best to make up for being stuck with a teen mom.
i'll be absolutely honest: i had no life plan when i started my senior year of high school.
no one had talked to me about college or life after high school. there was no talk of SAT's or college visits.
i had a vague idea of looking forward to graduation but nothing beyond.
i was already into my second year of running start, so i had at least that going for me. i was planning on graduating high school with an AA. it just seemed like the smart thing to do. free college. but after graduation? after high school? no clue. no plan. no idea of a plan.
and then, a month into my senior year i got pregnant.
making this decision meant i needed to make a plan. what WOULD i do to raise a baby? i would need a good job, so of course i would finish high school and running start as planned. then...what? get a job i guess. get a place. make a home. work hard. raise my baby. i didn't know WHAT that looked like.
i spent so much time looking at it both ways: what would it mean to raise this baby? what would it mean for someone else to raise this baby?
and, mind you, this is all happening alone. the dad split (as much as a another high school student can) at the 3 month mark when it stuck and i had to tell everyone. my mother told me it was my own decision so she didn't want to interfere. the already extremely limited list of friends was reduced to, well, none. i was booted off the cheer squad. i took as many classes off the high school campus as possible. i was still attending church but now with all the looks. i was in a small town where everyone knew and talked about everyone's business, but i was alone making the biggest decision of my life AND another human being's life.
i had regular check up's. ultrasounds. i could feel this baby growing and moving inside me. how on earth could you give that little being to someone else?
i wrote. i researched. i fought with the decision for months.
for people to suggest people giving birth can just...you know...give a baby up for adoption.
just drop it in a box at a fire station after 9 months of feeling it grow inside you.
i told my son, his whole life: i didn't plan on getting pregnant with you, but i CHOSE to be your mother.
ultimately i decided to raise my son.
i made the decision to create a life for him, work hard for him, raise him.
it was not an easy decision.
it is not something anyone should ever be forced to do.
adoption is not a back up plan. it is not a goodwill donation bin decision.
using today's language: i had a forced birth at 17.
my decision was not whether or not to carry the pregnancy, but what to do with said pregnancy.
it was talked about as a choice- i had a choice. how could i ever say i didn't have a choice? i was allowed to choose adoption or parenthood. how could i say i didn't have a choice?
i didn't have a choice. a choice would have been sexual health education. a choice would have been birth control education. a choice would have been a supportive household. a choice would have been an accepting community. a choice would have been a supportive partner. a choice would have been ANYTHING besides being left alone and shamed.
i love my son.
there is not one day i have ever regretted my decision to be his mother.
and that was the hardest decision i have ever made.
expecting or forcing women to be incubators? forcing birth?
expecting that people who give birth will just drop a baby in a safe box? they can just choose adoption?
it is so immensely offensive. and wrong. and dangerous. and deadly.
they want people to be forced to give birth. they bank on guilt and shame that will force the pregnant person into keeping the child, living in poverty, with no help. they need to create another generation of minimum wage workers. to keep the balance of their skin color in power.
what does it look like once you have the baby?
does anyone help?
no.
now you're just the shameful teen parent that made her mistakes and can deal with the consequences.
IN THE SAME BREATH THEY CALL A BABY BLESSING AND MISTAKE. A GIFT FROM GOD AND A CONSEQUENCE.
and i did all the "right" things after my son was born. i graduated from high school. i graduated from college. i had a corporate career for 11 years. i played by the rules.
yet i never made more than $40k per year. i have yet to make it out of the poverty cycle. when i did need help as they got older, i was told "it's time to be a mother" and to figure it out.
i have been reminded that i am worthless and undeserving forever because of one decision i made at 17 to have sex for the first time.
i was not allowed to ask for help, because you screwed up, you fix it.
THAT'S THE WAY THEY TALK ABOUT RAISING THE CHILD ONCE THEY'RE BORN.
i was denied an advisor at college because i was a non-traditional transfer student living off campus.
i was denied mentorship at work because "you're just a secretary. you already know your job."
i was denied partnership because people treated me as less than, damaged goods. they treated my kids as burdens.
i was denied familial help because it was embarrassing, shameful.
when i was able to get help, it was from friends and strangers. it was not from any of the people who had been so concerned with the pregnancy.
housing? i found a social worker who helped me get my first apartment. my corporate job? a woman i worked for knew of an opening at the power plant where her husband worked. daycare? i found a gal that had been an unwed mother herself and was willing to take state pay.
all these politicians. all the protesters outside clinics. all the people at church on sunday but spewing hate online by sunday evening. all the people screaming about the sanctity of life.
it's not about babies. it's about control. about removing choice. about making decisions for other people based on their book club. I WAS IN THE BOOK CLUB. i was one of their own. and the speed at which they turned on me still boggles the mind. the people screaming about caring for babies who all turned their backs.
"How can we save the world when we're so busy killing our own wounded?" - Francine Rivers, The Atonement Child.
any person who who has the ability to get pregnant deserves a choice.
a choice of education.
a choice of prevention.
a choice of termination.
a choice of continuation.
a choice of placement.
a choice of surrender.
a choice of parenthood.
A FUCKING CHOICE.
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