father’s day is a weird one for me. i love my dad and i miss him, but he never had the chance to BE my dad. spring break and two weeks in the summer with other scattered holidays weren’t much. and i acknowledge that he had his issues. i was well aware he was a life long skirt chaser. i can easily understand and believe that there was verbal and emotional abuse when he was married to my mom. i remember her saying how he used to tell her to go do puzzles because that was all she could handle. there’s a LOT to unpack in a sentence like that.
my mother remarried, but he was a 20something marine with a history of violence and alcohol abuse- he was quite proud of the story about how he and friends destroyed a bar in DC while on White House assignment and getting sent to Okinawa as a result; remembering the day he got on the boat, the day he got off the boat, and nothing in between. he had a lot of his own issues and no idea how to take on my 11 year old brother and 8 year old me. he demonstrated financial abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, control, lying, shame- not great things.
in total there are 4 generations of absent fathers. my grandmother was disowned for being pregnant before being married in the 40’s. her husband/my mother’s father was killed in a plane accident when my grandmother was 8 months pregnant with my mother. then both my kids dads were mostly absent for various reasons.
i have never known what a dad is. a REAL dad.
HOWEVER.
i DO know what a real dad is. i’ve been able to watch some of the greatest men i know (some virtually, some real) be the most amazing fathers.
i have watched multiple men FIGHT for their kids- years of court at insane costs and ugly custody battles. watching these men never give up, some of them the ENTIRE time i’ve known them…10+ years. to see men FIGHT to be a part of their kids lives. to demand equal time, involvement in decisions. i’ve watched men fight for their daughters to have access to birth control and the right to make decisions for their own bodies. to fight for the same rights for their sons. for access to mental health, a second opinion, the right to choose to be medicated or not.
i have watched the most incredible men make spending time with their kids the priority. dance classes. doctors appointments. play dates. sports. strictly protected/black out time during visitations. dads taking time off work- days or years to spend time with their kids.
dads who don’t “babysit” to give their partner a break but understand that parenting is a partnership. they’re not babysitting, they’re being a parent.
i love seeing dads that are working so hard on their own issues. their own mental and physical health. setting a good example of self care and asking for help and being real human beings with real feelings.
i love seeing the single dad hair tutorial videos. the married dad tiktok clips. i love seeing proud celebrity dads posting and celebrating their kids.
i did not grow up with a good example of a dad.
but y’all have showed me how many great dads there are.
happy father’s day to all the amazing men in my little bubble of life. i am so proud of all of you. you are changing the world by being there for your kiddos. i love all of you so much for what you’re doing. keep doing it. keep showing up. keep loving. keep accepting. keep fighting for your kids. you’re all amazing.
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