THE PROJECT: week 1

Okay.

So.

I'm going to start a project and I'm very excited about this and I'm going to record it and I'm going to type it and I'm going to make myself do it.

One year. I have to pay child support for a year. a little over a year at least.

So I'm going to go on lockdown for a year and this is...it's going to be a growth challenge and I'm going to take it.

I'm going to commit a year to it. I'm going to cut my budget as much as I can. I'm going to go car free. I'm going to sell Ginger or surrender her to the loan company. I know it's terrible for your credit but I need that payment gone so I can pay child support so I can stay in my apartment. So. There it is.

I took out a loan last year when I moved. I needed moving expenses, brakes for the car. I consolidated all my debit/payments so there would only be one per month. Paid everything off. Used the car for collateral.

Because it was hard adjusting to my budget cuts. And I was not as financially responsible and conservative and smart as I needed to be as early on as I needed to be. And I really resisted going backwards to being poor. Once you get used to being able to spend money it's really hard to adjust back. And I did allow myself to enjoy spending money for a while after selling the house. It was nice to not be poor. It was nice to be able to go out to dinner or buy clothes or just do things or live. It was really hard to cut back on, and now I’m struggling. And it's frustrating because the car was completely paid for and I carefully budgeted to be able to pay the loan payment every month. But it is what it is. Things change. It will be a challenge. It'll be a good chance to figure out what it's like to live without a car for a year. I'm actually very excited about this. It will force me to be healthy. I live .08 miles from work it's super close. You can see the building from my apartment. I can just walk to work. I can instacart groceries, I can coordinate with friends to go shopping at Walmart or Target or wherever I need to go.

I can ask for help. That's that's a very hard thing for me to say.

This is...this is a challenge. But I can make it work. I can. I can make it work. I live close to downtown. I can be the city girl. I can be Sex in the City. I can walk to meet friends for drinks, which I won't be doing much anyway because I'll be on strict financial lockdown. But I can make it work. I can make laundry work. I can make shopping work. I can make everything work. I can do lime scooters this summer. I could maybe get an electric scooter at Costco. I could maybe get one cheap and have that as a backup.  It depends if I'm able to sell the car or if I have to surrender it, but there's options. I'm working on it. Walking won't be the worst thing for me anyway. I told myself I was going to walk more when I got this job and I have not been doing that. I own that. This will be good.

I'm excited. I get to be the city girl. I get to be the young lovely *coughfortycough* something living and working close to downtown. I can Melanie Griffith my shoes to work. I’m excited to get to challenge this and figure this out I'm just really excited about this year.

It's going to be a good challenge. It's going to be a challenge for staying on top of things. Stay on top of my mental health care. Staying on top of taking my vitamins and making sure that I'm doing what I need to do. It's going to make me write. I'm going to check in with people and be held accountable. I'm going to cut things out; I'm going to cut the internet out. I'm going to cut Hulu out. Going to try and reduce my bills as far down as I can. I can listen to audio books. I can write. I can go outside more. I can NOT sit and stare at my TV every night when I get home from work until I get up to go to work again the next day. It's not healthy. Big shocking news there. It's really not great for your mental health to just check out like that. I need to engage again. I need to write. I need to create. I need to do the things that I know that are good for my mental health I need to take care of myself going to be along here it's going to be a hard year and I'm going to have to safeguard and preemptively caution against that.

And really, just it's changes I've needed to do anyway. It's things I've said I was going to do.

I'm going to be an asshole and I'm going to ask people for help. I’m going to put some of the responsibilities on other people while taking responsibility for myself. I want to ask people for help. I want to ask people to check in with me. I want to ask ya'll to pretend like you read it every week and set a reminder to bug me if you haven't seen a post. You can do it on Google or on Twitter. Just set a reminder, schedule a weekly tweet to remind me please. I will be super excited to see the reminders and pretend every one is really real. It will help me to write. Yes, I can set my own electronic reminders (and did) but please make sure that I'm writing.

I don't want to hide anymore. I want to get it out there. I want to be fully open and honest. Why not? If I'm going through this somebody else somewhere might be going through this. I'm not even going to pretend I'm some special unicorn that's the only one going through a shity time. Going through budget cutbacks. Going through some ugly, tough shit.

I'm going to talk about it because I'm not the only one and we should be able to talk about it. We should be able to talk about it and not shame each other or judge each other just be open about it.

And what else do I have to do? I have a year. My calendar isn't exactly overflowing with appointments. Why not talk about it? Why not take the time and dedicate to it? Somebody's got to do it.  What's the old saying? You're never worthless, you can always be a bad example. I can be that bad example for all y'all. I’ll be your cautionary tale.

But all four of you that do read this I'm going to ask you to please, bug me, pretend to be interested in this. That would be great to help me stay on track.

I'm going to do it.

One a week.

52 weeks in a year.

One a week,  so that's 6 days procrastinate one day to write.

And i’m going to do stream of consciousness.  I'm just going to talk into a microphone and type it out for y'all. It's going to be interesting.

I'm going to talk about things. I'm going to get it out there. I'm going to open myself up. I'm hoping to maybe to do a short video and walk through my apartment, show you guys around so when I talk about things you can be here in my apartment with me.

Because that's what it feels like when I write. I feel like I'm just talking to somebody. So maybe I can make a video and show you guys my little space so that it feels like you're just sitting and having coffee with me.

I'm going to make myself to this. I've already lived in this apartment for a year. I can do it. I can I can do this for a year. What's a year? I have a longer streak on Timehop y'all. For real, I have a 3 year streak on Timehop.

I'm pretty sure I can manage a year of writing. I say I do it anyway so maybe I should actually do it.

I'm not going to edit anything out I'm going to leave it as it is.

Let's do this. 

You're going to get the boring stuff. The regular stuff. The processing stuff. The thinking about stuff.

Sometimes it'll be hard things. Sometimes it'll be funny things. I'm hilarious ya'll. It will be random jokes and the snide comments and probably some really stupid things because my education wasn't really top notch. Sorry you're stuck with me.

It's going to be hard though because I'm going to talk about things. I'm not going to hide anything anymore. And there's a lot of room for hate and a lot of room for judgment.

I'm bisexual, so spoiler alert, I'll probably talk about that.

And I'm going to talk about being an empty nester. I'm going to talk about what led me into being an empty nester. My feelings on parenthood and what the last 20 years has been like. I'm may talk about some sexual assault or trauma or healing because those are all things in my orbit right now. It will be me just figuring things out, but there's...there's a lot of room in my head. there's a lot of room for judgment. A lot of room for feedback. It's really scary.

But do I think I'm going to just have that many people read this? I'm afraid of not being good but I'm also afraid that I'm just going to smash it and go viral everybody's going to want to come in and comment on it. It's a very twisted place in my brain where I want everybody to read it but I'm terrified of everyone reading it. I want people to get it and be part of the conversation but I'm telling myself it's not even possible at the same time. I'm afraid of it being possible and impossible at the same time. And it just goes round and round in my head. 

This is why I don't post much. I think about all the ways I would argue and all the ways I would hate on whatever it is, because it's really east to hate myself. But I'm going to talk about stuff just like that. All the negative self talk. All the doubt. I'm going to say it all out loud and talk it out and let people know that I'm a human being...

This is a big risk. The risk of other people identifying with it or hating it. And a LOT of people like to think they know what's right for everybody else. They know the truth. But the truth is different for every single person.

What led me to this place, to this challenge, where I'm at and why I'm making these changes is different than anybody else. This isn't that exact same fight anyone else is going through, but it is. We're all just trying to make the budget work at the end of the day. Make sure we can survive and do what's best and healthiest for ourselves.

The circumstances might be different but the experiences the same.

So I hope that's what people take away from this I want to talk about my experience and be open about the scary stuff in the ugly stuff in the hard stuff. I'm going to say all the terrible things, all the shameful things, all the really hard things. 

Some things are really hard to talk about.

Imagine what it's like to live it.

So maybe, if we can just talk about it then it won't be so hard.

SO. HERE WE GO.

52 weeks.

One down.

51 to go.

 

part b

so, that last post i've been sitting on since october. i didn't want to hit the "publish" button. there's so much that goes on in my head about how other people are going to read it. what they're going to say. the criticism. the ways it will get twisted and used against me.

it's terrifying to be honest. it's terrifying to say the ugly stuff. i've seen what happens. i know how people attack. i've been attacked. i know exactly what it's like to have my own words twisted and warped and used against me.

well hell, probably any person that's helped raise a teenager knows what that's like.


but if you don't say it, then someone else out there who feels the same way doesn't have something to look at and know they're not alone.

and fuck if that isn't everything.

if someone else knows they're not alone.

if something i say touches someone.

a very good friend left a comment like that for me a few weeks ago: how my writing has helped her look at some things in life a little differently.

i can't even say how much that means to me.

a few days later another dear friend bequeathed me her favorite pencil to encourage me to write more.

she is an amazingly skilled artist and creator and she's encouraging me to create more.

that's, just, fuck man. i'd be an asshole not to.

for new years this year i did a meditation ceremony. i sat in the middle of my gorgeous little living room with sage, salt, fire, water, air. i sat and cleared my mind and asked. i don't know who i asked. i don't know what i believe in right now. but i asked. the universe? some version of a greater being? myself? all the above?

i asked what my intention is for 2020. what is my focus. what do i need to learn? where is my path leading me?

i was given the word LISTEN.

i need to listen to people more. people who love me and support me. people who compliment me. friends who tell me they love when i write. friends that encourage me to create. friends that encourage me to be myself. friends that tell me...anything. i have brilliant friends. they are thoughtful, intentional, rational, logical, empathetic, educated by life, educated by experience, educated by books. they are bold and creative and goal driven. i have these AMAZING friends i trust. i respect. so why wouldn't i listen to them?

i need to listen to myself. trust my gut. i have strong instincts. i know things. i'm smart. i'm careful. i'm logical. i make list and check lists and i think through EVERYTHING. i need to learn to listen to myself and trust myself.

listen to people when they tell you who they are. people tell you who they are but you want to make excuses for them. you want to make reasons for them. explain things for them. but listen when they tell you who they are. don't ignore it because what they say doesn't fit what you want them to be or because you have a different idea of what you think they should be.

i had never sat and focused my energy like that before. i've made resolutions. eat less. work out more. be more organized. REALLY use a daily planner this year. but i've never sat and focused my enegy. cleared my mind, just sat and welcomed the new year and asked what it has in store for me.

so. listen.

what means trusting myself when i believe that what i have to say matters. listening to my friends and writing more. listening to my therapist and being more open and honest and real and exposed and all the terrifying things. not comparing my self to others. not worrying about what other people think all the time.

fuck. listening is fucking hard. because if you really listen you HEAR things. really hear them. and if you ignore them after that, well, then you're just an asshole (its me, hi) and don't get to bitch about shit anymore.

so, following up on the last post:

i LOVE my new job ya'll.

i have health insurance again and BACK. IN. THERAPY. that's right i'll fucking yell it. therapy is fucking amazing. i will bang that drum LOUD. AND. PROUD.

THERAPY. IS. AMAZING.

things aren't perfect.

the suicidal thoughts have tapered off. i've progressed from being "meh" about staying alive to thinking it would kinda be a bummer if i weren't. not thinking about dying, but not particularly excited about living. 

it's better though. i'll take it and i'll keep working at it.

i have some really tough decisions to figure out in a hurry up and wait fashion. i'm being sued for child support. the hearing was on the 29th with results to follow in 21 days. that determination will alter my budget again by a significant amount. i'm still adjusting to the pay cut of the new job. my apartment lease is up at the end of february and rent is going up. i have to decide to either sign another year lease and risk not being able to afford it depending on the child support results which i won't know for a few more weeks. and if i can't afford to stay here then i have to find some place cheaper to live, extremely fast, which, spolier alert, doesn't exist in spokane. so that means risking being roommates with one of my closest friends. roommates hasn't ever gone well for me before. 

last week one of the temp agencies i used to work with while job hunting called me on wednesday, mid morning. they had an interview for me. a job that would be $3/hour more than my new job, full time permanent, with medical fully covered by the company. it would be enough money to cover the highest amount of child support. it would be FULLY. COVERED. medical. the only interview available was at 3:50 on friday. they needed to know by 4:00 that afternoon.

i scheduled the interview.

how could i not?

then i came home and sat with it for about 6 hours. and by sat with it i mean researched the fuck out of the company, the executive board. snap chatted and slacked and texted friends discussing it. raged and cried and argued and went back and forth a million times.

the company was a family owned mid-sized industrial office administrator position. switch back to office work in the industrial field. what i've been doing for 21 years. what i know. what i'm good at. what i've always. done.

but i've done mid-sized industrial family owned businesses. that has not worked out well for me in the past. my last two jobs really took a tole on my mental health. 

and i've done administrative work. i LOATHE doing taxes. ive felt for a few years that it was time to make a change and try something new. it honestly didn't occur to me until after a few weeks at my new job that i have CHANGED. CAREERS. i'm not a secretary any more. i'm not in charge of ALL the things. we have DEPARTMENTS. i can ask other people for help. other people that know their part better. and i can know my part better. and we can work together. AND IT'S AMAZING. 

and i LOVE my office. i love my team. i have a manager that comes around every morning and asks if we need any help. is there anything he can do. is there a job/client/project we're stuck on. we all work together. we ask each other questions. we share the work. we encourage each other. my department hit our goals and so the manager took us on a work field trip to an arcade with pizza for lunch. 

i love the culture and work environment. people wear whatever they want, any color of hair or piercing or (hey, hi, it's me) tattoos. people are allowed to be WHO THEY ARE. full stop. they find ways to help make you successful.

true story: during my first week, my training week, my fourth day on the job, i had a full on melt down anxiety attack. they told us we were "going live" with calls.

I'M SORRY.

WHAT NOW?

i wasn't 100% clear about my job when i was hired, but i DID NOT, i in no way shape or form had any inkling of a call center job. i would have NEVER taken a $3/hour pay cut for a job where i'm on the phone all day every day talking to strangers about bills.

NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. oh fuck. what did i do. i just blew my life up for this. holy fuck. oh god. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.

and i tried to talk to the gal in HR, my hiring manager. and she told me i could quit on the spot and be "non-hirable" in the future or i could give my two weeks notice but since it was only my 4th day and i was still in training they would probably just let me go.

OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE.

i need this job. i just quit my jobs. 

but neither of my jobs had replaced me...i could go back...maybe...but i need health insurance..

i am FULL ON MELT DOWN. 

and one of the training gals sat with me in a conference room while i tried to get my shit together and figure out what the fuck i was going to do. i CAN'T i CAN'T talk to strangers all day on the phone. my anxiety...i couldn't there's no way. what the fuck am i going to do? and this gal was just...nice. no judgment. not one hint of anything catty or mean or annoyed or put out. just listened and was like-  oh yeah. i get it. man. yeah. that's a tough spot.

and then they found my new manager and he was like- no. that's not what you'll be doing. our department is just small with no specific corporate training so i just had them put you in the basic training. forget that. he brought in one of the other new hires in the department and she was so nice and kind and was able to explain what we do and was just kind and amazing. and it could have gone SO BAD. so bad. a full on SOBBING anxiety attack on my 4th day? other places i've worked? other experiences friends have had? there's no coming back from something like that. you're the problem FOREVER.if they even let you stay. and people whisper about you every time you walk past. and don't even think about a promotion ever. you're weak. emotional. unstable.

but here? it was a bad day. and i went back the next day and started in my new position.

and that's really what it came down to. I LIKE WHERE I WORK. my mental health is more important than financial stability right now. i'll work side hustle. i'll sell plasma. i'll drive grub hub. i'll cancel internet. i'll move into an apartment that shares a bathroom.

fuck. i might have to move into an apartment that shares a bathroom. i'm almost 40 ya'll. i like having my own bathroom.

but i'll do it. mental health is more important than money. and i LOVE where i work.

and. remember that interview appointment? the only one they had? it was at 3:50.

therapy was scheduled for friday.

from 3:00-4:00.

i was literally choosing between my mental health and financial stability.

that's a fucking clear as anyone can make a decision.

YOUR THERAPY. the thing you did all this for. your mental health. 

or

a job. money. the work you've done forever. but the work environment that has destroyed you.



and i LISTENED to myself.

see that? full circle moment.

i listened to myself: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING GIRL?? YOU HAVE BEEN PREACHING MENTAL HEALTH FROM THE RAFTERS. you go on and on about therapy. about protecting yourself. rebuilding. making better. getting healthy.

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN RISK THAT??

so.

i declined the interview.

i don't know what i'll do if i have to pay the full amount of child support. i don't know if i'll sign another year lease at my apartment. i don't know if more changes are coming. 

things are rough.

but they're good.

i'm on a good path. i can feel it. i trust it.

i'm going to listen.

i'm getting better.

i believe that. 

part a

so. big announcement: i am changing jobs soon. like, very soon. like, monday.

this has been a while coming; i’ve been scouting on the dl for several months now. there are a myriad of reasons for this change that are all separate but all the same.

when people ask me why i’m doing this, i’ll say the polite, politically correct, short form answer: i need health insurance. part time work doesn’t provide medical insurance, retirement, paid holidays, pto...you get the idea. i’ve been working 50 hour weeks from 7-5 M-F but can’t afford to buy insurance off the exchange but i make too much money to qualify for state health insurance.

i made the change to get health insurance. it’s polite. it’s simple. it’s true.

it’s a comfortable, socially acceptable, easy answer.

i worry so much about not making other people uncomfortable. i worry about not being “that person” at events. i don’t want to be the debbie downer. i spend so much time thinking of the simplest, best way to say things so i’m not a burden to other people. maybe a little bit of truth mixed with plenty of jokes and some self deprecating jokes. i try so hard to minimize everything. make it palatable small little perfectly proportioned doses of “my crazy.” 

that’s literally what i call it. “my crazy.”

the real reason, the fraught with terror, over-analyzed decision and thought behind this change, all the circumstances that piled up to this...they’re ugly. they’re messy. they’re complicated. it’s all the worst stuff. no one wants to hear that. no one wants to hear my sob story. everyone has their own shit. this is mine. i just need to learn how to deal with it better. suck it up buttercup. it’s bootstrap pulling time. don’t you dare burden other people with this. they all have enough going on. 

these are the things i say to myself. and i do. i keep it to myself. i have maybe 3 people that know what’s been behind this. like, REALLY behind this. 

and this is such a hard thing to say, but someone has to start saying it because i don’t think i’m alone in this and that’s heartbreaking if other people feel this way.

here we go.

i have pervasive suicidal thoughts.

i'm changing jobs because i need medical insurance. i need to be able to get back into therapy. i need mental health care.

like, I NEED mental health care.

i’ve been struggling with pervasive, intense, can’t shake it suicidal thoughts for a year now.

chronic pervasive suicidal idealization. 

up until may i had state insurance and was seeing a great therapist weekly.

in may, my financial review came up and since the last renewal a year ago i’ve had a MAJOR change in household. when my teenager lived at home we both qualified for state provided health insurance. when my household changed, it disqualified me for coverage. that meant no more therapy. which i need to deal with the whole reason there was a change in household. that’s a fun little infinity loop.

since may i’ve really struggled with a growing pile of things i need help sorting through. my over thinking, self hating brain has just been spiraling. the CPS reports i had requested from my case back in december finally arrived. it’s pretty hard to read the interviews and reports and the things my own kid said against me. i’ve really been struggling with why my own kid would say such blatantly false things about me. blatantly. false. told them i had multiple pimps. told them i’m an iv drug user. told them i abuse him daily and put out cigarettes on his arms.

none of those things are even in the smallest portion even a tiny bit of truth.

the report goes on for several pages and there’s some really ugly things. and people signed off on this. the grandparent he’s staying with signed off on these reports. and do people really believe this about me? they signed the papers. that means they didn’t DISAGREE.  he’s telling all these people just horrible made up things. how can my own child hate me that much? how can my own kid want to hurt me that much?

man. that gets into some pretty. ugly. corners.

i’ve also been struggling with just- existing. when you live alone there’s a LOT of quiet time. that’s a lot of thinking time. that’s a lot of time to finally process YEARS of trauma. that’s a lot of nights realizing how you respond to things, decisions you make, roadblocks in relationships...all the things. all the parts in life that have been hit by the ripple effects of years of stuffing trauma away. of just getting through it. just keep going. don’t think about it, just get up and go to work. take the kids to sports. do the school meetings. get the groceries. keep things working.

and then when you stop and all those ripples catch up it quickly turns into a tidal wave.

things have been rough at work too. one of my bosses and i have VERY different viewpoints on life. it’s challenging to work for someone who is staunchly opposed to all the basic parts of my life: LGBT is a lifestyle choice (and a wrong one). women’s rights are just an attack on men. vaccinations, religion...we’ve had some interesting discussion.

and don’t get me wrong, it’s not an openly hostile environment. it’s not in my face very day. and i know, work is like family thanksgiving dinner: never discuss politics, religion or relationships. but that’s where i spend 80% of my life. those are almost exclusively the only people i talk to, ever. and people need connections, conversations. 15 minutes chatting with a coworker so i’m not completely isolated all day every day is necessary. but sometimes you learn things about people you can’t unlearn.

i’ve also realized in the last few months just how bad my anxiety is and how far back it goes. i don’t think many kids lay awake at 8 years old counting to sixty over and over and over again while staring at smoke detectors to make sure the damn thing blinks and is working WHILE simultaneously planning 2 different escape routes. i don’t think most people spend HOURS, DAYS, YEARS going over every interaction with friends and strangers trying to suss out all the wrong things said, all the ways i potentially offended them, all the “weird” things i said that will make them never talk to me again. added bonus: the whole ghosting trend in dating has really not done me any favors.

it’s been a lot. and somewhere, in the back of my head this whole time, the WHOLE. TIME. is the though: maybe you just shouldn’t exist anymore. look at all the bullshit surrounding you. think how much better things would be for everyone else if they didn’t have to listen to your bullshit. omg. you’re such an energy drain. don’t you dare talk to anyone. they don’t need to worry about your dumb ass. don’t say anything to panic anyone. just figure out a way to not exist. i have notes saved in my phone like this:

“wouldn’t it be ironic if the loneliness from cutting all the abusive people out of my life is what ends up killing me.”

i slowly and repeatedly sift through all the ways i couldn’t off myself: i could never leave a mess for some poor unsuspecting person to clean up after anything involving a gun. besides i hate guns. i couldn’t take pills. some poor first responder would have to deal with that. i can’t do anything that some unsuspecting person would have to encounter.

then it shifts a little- whatever i do needs a body for verification so my life insurance will pay out. i have friends listed as beneficiaries that could really use the money...as much as they would be mad at me, i have a decent policy that could really change some lives.

but yeah, i think about death on the daily. 

i’m not so much thinking about a way to die as much as just not being particularly attached to staying alive. 

it’s exhausting. it really is.

but i’m working on it. i’m changing jobs. the environment will be better, i’ll have benefits, and i’ll be able to walk to work. that’s a pretty good hat trick of mental health and self care.