i'm positive i'm not positive.

the body positive moment happening everywhere right now is an amazing thing. women are learning to love themselves, no matter what shape, size, hair color, length, style, ANY of the stuff that goes into learning to love yourself.

there's the "take back the beach" movement emphasizing that any body you put a bikini on IS a bikini body.

there's beautiful models across the nation proving you don't have to be a size 00 to walk a runway or being on the cover of sports illustrated swim suit edition or be a national clothing line spokesperson.

more and more women are getting over their insecurities and being the example for a new generation of women.

and that is AMAZING.

but...

there's still crazy people out roaming around, like me.

and the only thing the body-positive movement has done is made me hate myself more.

here's the recording in my head:

LOOK AT ALL THE WOMEN LEARNING TO LOVE THEMSELVES. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU CAN'T DO THAT?

all these women are all learning to love their "flaws"

 

 

 

nayyirah waheed, salt

and i'm over here just finding more things to hate about myself. like the fact that i haven't learned to love myself.

it's a particularly ridiculous hate spiral and i'm well aware of it, but my brain can't "just stop."

that's what i hear from well-intentioned people the most: just love yourself. just stop your brain. just ignore the negative voice in your head.

trust. if i could *just* anything, i would. but my brain doesn't work that way. i have this endless pro-con list running in my head in addition to a relentless sense of fact-based reasoning that together are worse than any super villian you could ever imagine.

for every one positive i try to say about myself in the mirror in the morning there are instantly 3 *actually* comments that push it out of the way.

me: oh wow, my hair looks great today!

also me: *actually* there are a bunch of frizzy fly-aways that make you look sloppy. and *actually* that one piece is curling weird like it's TRYING to point directly at the acne on your jawline. and *actually* that root color is too dark for you and makes your fat face look fatter.


me: i'm bold. i'm brave. i'm going to wear red lipstick today!

*side note: kat von d outlaw is KILLER if you're looking for a red. end commercial*

also me: *actually* you shouldn't be wearing red. you're too pale to pull it off. and *actually* you don't even own a lip liner, so  you shouldn't be wearing lipstick with out a liner. and *actually* you always put it on crooked and it comes off on your coffee up so you look like a hot mess all the time.  WHY DO YOU EVEN OWN THAT SHADE OF RED ANYWAY?

me: i *adore* this new dress! i'm going to wear it to work today.

also me: *actually* your legs are stupidly pale and stand out when you wear dresses. and *actually* you didn't shave your legs last night because you're too lazy and EVERYONE will notice. and *actually* that dress makes your back fat look terrible and you shouldn't wear it.

it's like i live with the worlds most obnoxious, entitled, waspy asshole ALL THE TIME.

i don't worry (much) about what people will *actually* say to me (spoiler alert: no one cares OR ever says anything) because the voices in my head are ALWAYS 1000X worse than what anyone could ever think to say to me. unless they're agreeing with me. which is pretty mean. because i'm pretty mean.

BUT, back to the point. the body positive moment happening is killing me.

what's so wrong with me that i'm the one female out here not learning or already intrinsically knowing how to love myself? why haven't i been able to find a way to turn off the negative recordings yet?

it feels like i'm the last person left that doesn't believe a bikini body is any body you just put a bikini on. WHAT ABOUT THE CYSTS ON MY THIGHS? no one wants to see those!

and i'm still working on it. i'm making myself wear the red lipstick even if i feel like and idiot. i'm making myself wear the dress because it is adorable and deserves to be worn, even if i'm not the right person to do it. i haven't shaved my head...again anyway. the grow out is a bitch. trust me on that.

i'm still trying. there are some days i'm almost convinced that i can at least live in a grey middle zone where i may not love myself, but at least i don't actively hate myself...for a bit at least. and there are some great strains of weed that can convince me i'm a goddess and look AMAZING and give me the most empowering self confidence to wear things or dance in my kitchen or dress up...but unfortunately they wear off after 20 minutes. but damn those 20 minutes are fun.