functional (barely) depression

FUCK DEPRESSION. 

fuck it right in it's fucking face.

i fucking hate depression. i've battled it...fuck. forever it seems.

but i've never been "depressed" in the official clinical sense.

as in sitting in a dark room sobbing all day, unable to function, wishing to be off this planet, weeks on end without a break of anything depressed.

you know- the kind they show in movies where the heroine stays in bed for weeks at a time until a friend brings over a cute sweater and a cup of coffee and the world is magically back to rights.

FUCK THAT.

see. some of us can't do that.

i don't get the luxury of staying in bed crying all day, no matter how much i want to. there's bills to pay and a dog to let outside and a kid that needs a mom.

i have to go to work and grocery shop and do the laundry and attend functions and exist.

function depression. smiling depression. "being a bit blue." there's plenty of articles on google that talk about what it is.

basically you just keep going even when you don't want to.

i go to work. i smile and chat with coworkers because i'm supposed to. i go out to events with friends and YES, i have a good time, a brief respite. but bet your ass as soon as i'm back home i'm back to melding with my couch and barely moving or functioning.

every day is the same. wake up late, rush to work, bust through the day (i'm still damn good at my job, depressed or not), wait for 4:00 just to go home and...sit.

i don't have energy or desire to do anything once i'm home. i've learned that once i sit down there's no going back so i try to get as much done as i can before that first sit. if i can stay in the car and pick up the kiddo then i can manage a few errands and maybe some grocery shopping. if i get home and go straight to the kitchen maybe we'll get a real dinner and some straightening up done. 

but if i hit the couch- it's over. and i know it just sounds lazy. part of it probably is. part of it is...i just...can't. i can't think about bills and dishes and mess and signing up for summer sports and planning weekends. it's just..i can't.

i'll sit and stare at my computer for days thinking i just need to open it for a few minutes to pay bills or write but it never gets done. i'll walk into the kitchen for a glass of water and just stare at the dishes in the sink. 

no matter how much i shame myself or berate myself or tell myself to JUST DO IT...i just melt into my couch even more.

weekends are a pathetic blur of no energy, sleeping all day and barely functioning AT ALL.

here's a few other things about functional (barely) depression:

IT'S FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

it's si much easier to eat out which isn't cheap (or healthy).

i buy groceries in a short burst of trying to be a grown up then never do anything with them and they waste away in the kitchen- not cheap.

bills aren't paid on time so there's late fees.

i don't give a rats ass about non-essential bills so there's a growing stack of unpaid parking tickets, a red light ticket, medical bills, property taxes, credit cards that i've been in one sided pissing matches with.

i know it's all snowballing and not going away. not paying them isn't doing anything besides destroying my credit so if i ever eventually want to take out a mortgage to fix a few things around the house and maybe consolidate/pay off those bills i'll have no chance at anyone financing me.

i get it. i'm shooting myself in both feet. and i can't even find the energy to care.

there's the "self care" splurges that i keep telling myself will help- and they do. a little. hair and nails- i like to still look good. if i at least look a little pulled together and like i care about myself, it's easier to pretend when i do go out with friends. and sometimes it's easier to fool myself- SEE, you look pretty. you can't REALLY be that depressed. pretend i'm not a TOTAL train wreck that has to be pulled together- just a car or two derailed.

it's also easier to  hide from people when you're moderately pulled together. if i went out in slippers and sweats with a greasy pony tail every day (the walmart uniform) people would KNOW something is wrong and ask questions. if i can pull myself together and function on some level then i can keep my depression to myself and not have to talk about it and not let people know there's something so wrong with me.

it all adds up...quickly...and adds to the always stressful finances. which i worry about but can't make myself fix...it's a death spiral. 

aside from finances, there's so much more- there's not having energy to do ANYTHING, let alone exercise or try to get on a better plan. there's late nights which make late mornings. insomnia and depression like to pal around together which- i mean- everyone needs a friend, but really? those two? also tagging along? over-analying annie.  and she's a BITCH. won't shut up. ever. 3 am and she's yammering on about all those bills and all the things you SHOULD be doing. only time that bitch shuts up is after a good smoke (hey, it's legal in my state) and a few drinks.  THEN there's a few moments silence until she starts analyzing the silence.

i worry that i'm alienating my friends but i can't make myself do anything about it. i think- how hard is it to get a pack of cards and mail someone a message every now and again. EVERYONE likes mail that isn't bills. but then i never do it. i think: "just call them and meet up for drinks" then i talk myself right back out of it because budget and i'm not dressed for it and they're probably busy anyway. i know other people have issues and need a friend or some support but i'm so scared that i'll end up talking about my bullshit and not listen to them, so i just don't make contact (super healthy choice, by the way).

and it's not like i'm not trying- i'm taking vitamin D which does make a difference. i AM signing up for things for the summer- a swim pass, a family pass to miniature golf/bumper boats/etc. i'm keeping commitments- if i say i'll be somewhere, i won't let myself cancel. i'm finding things like not sitting down at the end of the day and forcing that to happen more often. i managed to go grocery shopping AND prep a few lunches and snacks for the kiddo, make a chore chart for him too AND straighten up a bit on monday. doesn't sound like much, but it was a feat.

i found a new therapist that practices Hakomi therapy (think chakras and images and tree hugging hippie touch therapy) and i was really excited to find a way other than talking to work on things- it feels like i've talked and reasoned and written so much about things that words have lost their power. i really wanted to find a way to get my words back. but then insurance decided to be typical insurance and preferred providers and co-pays and whatnot. bullshit. but. it is what it is. still trying to find a work around on that one.

for those of you who know my bitter cynical self- this may throw you for a loop: i took the time last night to focus on a washing the darkness out of my aura and brightening my chakra colors.

yes.

i just said that.

i even analyzed which colors i couldn't get to light up to know what areas to focus on improving.

but you know what? as tree hugging, socks and crocks wearing, patchouli bathing, granola munching hippie as that sounds? it worked and i was able to get to sleep at a fairly reasonable hour.

i guess there's not much of a point to this besides to say functioning depression is a thing. just because you see someone out, working, going out with friends, still managing to not rot away in a corner doesn't mean all is right with the world.

i'm still battling. i'm still trying to find answers. i'm still functioning. not as well as i would like to be. i want to look forward to things again and not struggle to make plans or keep my house in order or keep in touch with friends. i'm finding small pieces and fitting them together.

i know my kiddo needs a FULLY functioning mom, not a barely functioning mess. he's the only one i have left- he deserves better. and i'm trying to get there.