and then?

a friend showed me a book her daughter got for christmas: it's a stack of cards with the beginning of a story that leaves off at a turning point with "...and then..."

that's what life feels like lately.

it's been a hard few years.

really hard.

now granted, i take full responsibility for most of the hard stuff- i made the choice to leave work (several jobs actually) and i've always struggled with keeping a balanced budget (easy on paper, not as much in practice). i made the choice to buy and work on a house which we all know hasn't been the best choice of all time. i've made the choice to stay single. i've made so many choices.

this weekend i made another choice.

and i'm really struggling with it.

it's been a hard few years.

in addition to everything else that's been going on, i've been dealing with escalating tension at home with the teenager. i know teenagers are hard, but i had no idea it would be like this.

i don't have what i think is a "normal" teenager. i have a kid who is wicked smart, has always acted more like an adult than a kid, who has always fought to express himself and stand up for himself.

it's not bad things. within reason. but it's not great either.

it's gotten bad.

there's constant arguments. there's been holes put into walls (okay, just one, but still). there's screaming and stomping out. there's slamming doors. i know. it's not that far out of the realm of teenage angst, but it's been increasingly viscous and increasingly dangerous.

it's been talking a hard toll on me, a hard toll on the younger spawn, and i can't believe the teenager has been exactly happy either.

the hard part is that there's been this disconnect- he's GREAT at school. he's getting good grades, his teachers love him, he's respectful, helpful, a model student. he's in debate, he tutors other kids, he has a GOOD group of friends.

then he comes home.

and it's ALL different.

it's constantly bullying and tearing down his little brother. it's being disrespectful and horrible to me. it's refusing to help around the house. it's emotional and physical warfare. it's a constant battle zone. it's vicious, mean, angry, hurtful. if he doesn't get his way, EVERYONE will know about it and be punished in some way.

simple things like shoving his brother for no reason other than being in reaching distance. telling me he hates seeing the same people every day and he's sick of family when asked to do the dishes. telling me i'm stupid for rearranging furniture. it's hitting his little brother for getting something out of the fridge (he's too fat, he doesn't need more food). getting caught in a lie and telling me i need to "just deal with it."

it's been escalating over the last year. it's dangerous. more than once i've had 911 dialed because i honestly thought he was going to come at me.

so i talked to his dad a few weeks ago and asked about switching houses to see if that would help calm things down.

and we decided it would be the best course of action.

so in 4 weeks my teenager will be leaving my home to live with his father.

and i don't know where i'm at with this.

i know it will be better for everyone. it will calm things here. it will make it better for my small spawn. it will make it better for me. i hope it will make it better for the teenager.

but my son is leaving.

and i know it was going to happen in a few years for college.

and i know i'm not a failure as a parent.

and i know it's not permanent and if it doesn't work he can come home. and there's summer break and long weekends and it's not that far away really.

but.

my son is leaving.

and i worry that he thinks i don't love him or i'm punishing him or giving up. and i worry that the little spawn worries i'll send him away if he becomes challenging. and i worry that it won't be better at his dads house but i won't be able to help (there will still be phone and email, but you know...HELP, right there in the moment).

and i'm heartbroken that i couldn't make this better. i couldn't be a good enough mom to make him not hate living here or not be so angry all the time.

and i worry that i didn't do enough. i didn't try enough things. i didn't research enough to find more solutions. i didn't MOM enough.

and i know that there's a reason there's supposed to be TWO parents. i know that it takes a village to raise kids because one person doesn't have all the answers.

but it still sucks.

it sucks that he's hurt and angry and i couldn't fix it.

it sucks that i'm losing one more part of my core.  there's not much left.

and i'm scared. and i'm sad. and i'm angry. and i'm hopeful. and i don't know.

i'm at this turning point in the story. and i'm waiting to see what happens.

so.

2014: "...and then?"