plausible deniability

while i fully understand that shows like Scandal are written and created for tv, i also understand the the idea and possibility behind those shows are very real and probable. i also am coming to understand that i should not watch such shows because it makes me think and start to ask too many question. questions i will never be able to actually ask. questions, that either have no answer, or (i honestly believe to be possible) have a truth buried so deep i don't want to begin to pull the thread. 

three years ago when my dad died, i chose, very consciously, not ask questions. when you know there will be no answer, sometimes it is better instead to focus on simply saying THAT SUCKS and move forward.

 

the bitch of it is though, not asking the questions doesn't make them go away.

 

i knew then it wasn't the time to ask questions. there was an immediate gag order on the case. any public comment was to come only from state level. we were not to talk to reporters or anyone about anything. it was decided before i even arrived on scene, hell, before i even knew there was a fire, that all communication would go through my brother- you know- cops understand cops and all that. there were immediate investigations launched. no one had any answers to give. so i waited patiently.

after a year, the gag order was lifted, but there were still no answers. i wouldn't have known who to ask specifically anyway. so i just took the little i was told and closed the door.

i've seen what happens when people become fixated on answers they'll never get. i've seen people waste away their lives and drive themselves crazy digging in the past forever.

i've also seen people who still had a life to live that just found their bootstraps, pulled up and moved forward.

i had kids. i had work. i had life. i chose the second path.

but then there's nights like tonight.

watching a silly tv show about political scandals. a fake show. created in the mind of a writer.

but i can't help but realize- it's possible. you know? scandals. cover ups. stories with no real answer or ending.

and i start to think of all the questions again.

if there was a recorded 911 call, how could they tell me everyone in the house died before they knew what was happening?

if they had to bring in cadaver dogs to find any remains and do bone marrow samples from jaw bones to confirm identity, how could they tell me an autopsy showed no carbon in the lungs (and therefore no suffering)?

how could a 30 year old male, a brand new trooper who just graduated top of his class physically, not make it out?

how could the same agency, the same team leader that sorted through the tons of wreckage at the oklahoma city bombing to find a specific device and cause for a grand scale tragedy, not be able to sort through a small two story house to find an answer?

how did a fire that burned so hot and so fast manage to destroy a full two story house, every single beam, every single piece, not leaving anything but the cement foundation but not destroy two trees less than 10 feet from the house, the grass, or the garage? how could that fire melt the front axle of a car completely to the ground but leave the trunk (and the golf clubs in it) completely untouched?

of all the gangs in the area, the cartel branches, the street gangs, the wanna bes- not ONE has ever had a rumbling of claiming responsibility. they pulled every head, every boss in a room and nothing. the greatest loss in the history of the state patrol and not one of them wants their name associated with it.

the other trooper had spent an extended amount of time on duty in the governors mansion as a guard/soldier just before becoming and officer. do i even want to start down that rabbit trail?

was it simply the finger of god?

every question leads to 3 more questions. i could drive myself insane chasing rabbit trails that only exist in my head.

i'm honestly ok not knowing.

at the end of the day, even if i had all the answers for every question i could ever think of, it wouldn't bring my dad back. it wouldn't put he and anne at the table for thanksgiving. it wouldn't give christopher the chance at a career and a family and everything he missed out on.

so why ask?

instead i'll just stick with: IT SUCKS. 

but tomorrow there's work. and kids. and life. tomorrow is forward.

so forward i go. putting the questions back away. not being distracted or pulled backwards.

well, not for more than a few minutes anyway.