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"Last Published on March 31."

i know,  so much for the every week goal. THANKS FOR THE GUILT TRIP GOOGLE.

ANYWAY.

here i am. i know it's been over a month. i've had tons to say but not really sure how or how much (i know, ME) to say.

then i woke up this morning and started reading through my twitter feed and realized some amazingly talented friends won the 50 hour film slam last night (exactly like it sounds- they have 50 hours to make a short film, then they announce a winner a few months later).

HOLY CRAP. it's 50 hour slam time again?

that means it's been a year since i started working at the magazine. which got me thinking about how much can happen in a year.

and then i was blown away by the universe. again.

here's a quick recap of the last few years:

this summer it will be 4 years since my son lost his step mother and baby brother in child birth.

this fall it will be 4 years since i lost my brother to suicide.

august it will be 3 years since i lost my dad and step mom to a house fire.

this month it's 2 years since i bought my house: Almost Wonderland.

january it was 2 years since i left the corporate world.

march it was a year that i had been back to work.

this time last year i was attending my first events and getting interview for the magazine.

and this year: my house is for sale, i've left the magazine, i'm no longer at any of my jobs (next friday is my last day) and everything is changing. again.


it continues to be a wild ride.

so yeah- things are changing again. i'm still scared of change- the unknown is always going to be a mix of terror and excitement i think. but it's also really good. i know that things are headed in a good direction- too many things have clicked into place for it not to be the right steps for me.

i have to say- the last year has been a really interesting learning curve most of all. i've learned how to let go of some of my biggest issues, guilt, fear- things that were tying me down and i didn't realize it.

after losing my dad i bought the car i had wanted for YEARS. my dream car. the one i would get if i won the lottery. THAT car. my little element. then i realized it wasn't all i hoped it would be.

i never really wanted to buy a house, but IF i did, it needed to have all these things- a front porch, a big back deck. a fenced yard for the kids, older style, not a cookie cutter, trees, space for friends. Almost Wonderland is every. single. thing. i could have ever wanted in a house. and now that i've had it i realize as much as i love it, it's still not for me.


it's an interesting moment when you have everything you ever thought you could dream of and you look at it all and say: meh.

not that i don't appreciate every thing i have. not that i don't love that i have a house and a car. i'm not playing the part of spoiled rich bitch here.

i'm just realizing- hell, i don't know the right way to say it. i'm realizing that there's more to life than having everything you ever thought you wanted. things are just things.

not gonna lie- having things is nice. but at the end of the day- they're just things.

here's what else has happened over the last few years:

my oldest sons dad and i were able to REALLY draw together as a parenting team. it took some really shitty shit on both sides but now we're in this great place of working together as a team, even from across the state. we both realize how much the other has been through and how much family means more than ever and how important it is for our son to get that.

i've found out time and again who real friends are. i have people that disappeared when the money disappeared. i have people that could give a rats ass if there ever was or ever will be money again. i have some of the truest, hard core friends now that anyone could ever ask for. i know when the shit hits the fan that i have a LIST of people i can call for help and support. this last week was a pretty shitty one (more on that in a minute) and i was able to think of three people INSTANTLY that i could call for help or just to listen. that is a truly rare and beautiful thing. i have people i can talk over ANY subject with- and trust me when i say we've covered some very interesting topics.

i've learned to appreciate and accept myself in the last few months.

that's possibly been the biggest thing. i've learned to let go of why i'm not good enough for my family. i've learned to not feel like i'm not good enough for my family. i've learned that i am good and beautiful and lovable JUST AS I AM, flaws and all. i've learned the difference between my things that i can work on and improve and OTHER PEOPLE's issues that are out of my control and that i can't fix or change. hell, there's several blog posts on all that.

this is all an obnoxiously long story to get to this last week-

i was asked a few weeks ago to take over my boyfriends store. it's a second hand furniture store/consignment shop. i wanted to jump instantly and take it. a chance to try out every upcycle project i've ever considered and pinned on pinterest. a chance to be my own boss and be the only one to answer to. a chance to let my creative side have free reign moving things around and arranging furniture. back working with customers again, away from a desk. BUT- how do you leave secure jobs? steady paychecks?

to tie over, i asked a good friend of mine that needed work if she wanted to work while i figured things out. that made it through the last few weeks, but she is going back to school in just a few weeks, so something had to be done.

OK UNIVERSE: i get it. i have to make a decision.

fuck.

ok. so the monday/thursday job was not the greatest on hours- i was working myself out of time every week. BUT, i loved the people there and they had treated me really great the whole time i was there- from day one.

the tues/weds/fri job was for sure locked in hours, always things to do, but a much more stressful not healthy for me environment.

fuck.

ok. here's the deal universe: if i'm going to leave the steady pay/less healthy job i'm  going to need a little help. some kind of a cushion while i'm adjusting to commission only at the furniture. help me out.

not even four hours later i got a call from my old corporate job: by the way-  you still have money in your pension account.

*blink blink*

a sizeable amount of money. like enough to cover at least 3 months of bills while i wait for the house to sell and to see how the furniture store goes.

wow universe. that was fast.

OK THEN.

so on tuesday i gave two weeks notice.

on thursday i got laid off from the other job.

umm...universe? WHAT THE HELL?

i mean...really? why did i bother making a decision if this was going to happen? is this some kind of joke?

i went through an expected freak out. called up some friends. vented. yeah- i still had the pension cushion, but without a steady paycheck to supplement things...well...wow. now what?

i spent the majority of thursday coming to terms with things. crunching numbers, realizing it would still be ok, that this obviously meant i wasn't supposed to be at either job any longer, there's something bigger ready for me.

ok universe. i get it. i trust that everything is working this way for a reason.

then i got home thursday night.

that pension account?

turns out the corporate world doesn't really know how to do math.

the amount they initially told me was waiting was off. BY A LOT.

as in DOUBLE.

in the good way.

the cushion i was making these decisions on: DOUBLED. and? would be available a month earlier than they initially told me.

at this point i don't have any idea what the universe has in store for me, but i know it's BIG. and i know that things working out like this doesn't just happen. this is the right move. i feel like the stars are lining up, the winds are changing, whatever silly analogy you want to throw at it. things are falling into place, and this is me, stepping out. trusting that.

looking back over the last year and all that's changed- over the last 4 years and how much we've been through- all the high and low points, all the good days and bad days-

i'm excited to see what the next year brings.

i'm ready for it.

and i know, fuck, this is a hard sentence to type.

i know i have my dad's support.

after 3 years and never seeing his name anywhere- i've seen his name several times in the last few weeks. it's popped up in the strangest places. he's still here. he's not mad at me for selling the house. he's supporting my changes. he's still watching out for me.

so.  that's something.