1st time for everything

so last night was wednesday. today is thursday.

now you're up to date.

wendesday nights are my one night out a week. i go to the same bar, listen to the same band, chat with the same bartenders EVERY. WEDNESDAY. i call it my #wednesdaynightshenannigans. there's usually not actual shenannigans happening, it's just the idea that there could be.

i know all the bartenders by now. i'm friends with the band (that's why i started going years ago). i know most of the other usuals.

IT'S MY FUCKING CHEERS.

so. last night i'm in my happy little zen spot and unknown asshole sits down next to me. not a big deal. it's the kinda place that people from out of town gravitate to- mellow atmosphere, good music, close to most of the downtown hotels. i've had some fun conversations with people in town only for a few days- all sorts of interesting occupations they travel for.

asshole last night started off pretty rough- right away wanted to see my tattoo. ok. i have tattoos, people like to look. THEY'RE NOT BRAILLE. they're not scratch and sniff. THERE'S NO REASON TO PET THEM. oh yeah. holding, petting, generally creeping on my arm. and then my wrists. THANK HEAVENS the others were covered or not visible at least.

DEEP BREATH.

so, he backed off and we actually had an interesting conversation. then he started creeping up on me again. and i tried to very politely make it obvious i was not open to this- kept my arms crossed, leaned away from him, looked straight forward the whole time.

towards the end of the night he started this sentence: "...so, I have a really nice room at Hotel Lusso..."

OH. FUCK. NO.

i tried to deflect- oh, i've heard that's a good spot to stay when you're in town. better than the super 8 ha ha. 

subtlety is lost on this asshole.

"You should come back with me and explore this connection more."

umm...yannno. NO. HELL NO.

told him i was flattered but would have to decline.

FOUR TIMES IN A ROW.

not getting the hint: if i won't go back to his room, how do i feel about public displays of affection in a bar? 

i'm not that girl. sorry.

"really? i don't even get a kiss?"

seriously- what part of NO isn't sinking in?

and it didn't end there. it kept on for another 45 minutes with him getting more and more aggressive about it.

at one point i even pulled out a pretty good standard deterrent for extreme cases: "I have a submissive at home and have to stay within the confines of that relationship."

this USUALLY does a few things: it's not only a form of a relationship they're treading on, it's also a fetish or unusual type of relationship that makes *most* people uncomfortable. if you simply say boyfriend, guys like this will just keep on- oh, you don't have to tell him, i'm better than he'll ever be...the usual bullshit. so i usually go straight for the jugular pulling out the "submissive" word. *usually* works just fine.

not this time. this guy starts in about wanting to be cuckold.

OH. SHIT.

so i keep politely refusing. NO, i will not change my mind. NO, i'm not going back with you.
 
then this bomb dropped: "i've never been refused before."

isn't that what serial killers say?

immediately the hair on my neck stood up.

OH. HELL. NO.

and the asshole is still UP ON ME. and my bartender is watching and letting me know if i need help he's ready to bounce the asshole.

i'm getting very uncomfortable at this point. the guy is still touching me, RIGHT IN MY EAR to talk to me, generally being a creep. i'm trying to be polite, don't want to cause a scene, this is MY bar after all- he's only here for one night, i'll be back next week.

i would like to escape to the dance floor, but i know he'll follow. i would like to leave, but i'm worried he'd follow there too.

FUCK.

he asks AGAIN if i'll go back to his room with him. this time, with the bartender paying FULL attention, i said: "why would i go back to your room? i'm not the girl to go back the room of a traveling sales man and be his free hooker for the night. i deserve better than that and i'm not going with you."

my bartender knew full and well at that point what was going on and really started to watch me. i'm actually so uncomfortable i'm shaking. this guy is just NOT backing off.

and this guy FINALLY backs off a bit.

THANK HEAVENS.

so i quickly pay my tab, grab a friend of mine in the crowd (who happens to be a sturdy guy who works out often and plays semi-pro football) and ask him to walk me to my car.

YES, i asked someone to walk me to my car.

i've never been legit worried about some creeper in a bar before. this guy just set off all the red flags though.

i got home and i was SHAKING. that guy really got to me. he wasn't drinking at all, he was just that creepy of a guy. and to not take a hint. AT ALL.

and i felt so guilty- i know my bartender was being AWESOME and watching out for me. i felt bad he was worried and had to watch out. i feel bad that i didn't squash it the first time asshole tried to touch my tattoo. i feel bad that i wasn't less embarrassed and more vocal about telling him no. why should i be polite when he's trying to make me a free hooker? i was angry that he even thought it was ok to proposition me AGAIN after the first time.

it was honestly the first time it had ever happened. i've had guys try to pick me up before but backed off after i said no once. i've had drunks try to be all suave and it's painfully funny to watch. i've never had someone completely sober be so aggressive about repeatedly trying to pick me up. that doesn't happen to me. i'm the chubby brunette they chat up while they're waiting for the hot girl to get there (not tearing myself down, it's the truth- i see them scanning the door every time someone walks in/walks by).

i've NEVER felt threatened enough to have someone walk me to my car. i'm eternally grateful a friend that i trust was there and willing to help me out. i'm glad i was able to quickly pay my tab and sneak out while asshole went out on the dance floor. i'll think twice about having a conversation with a stranger that sits down next to me. and i HATE that. i like talking to all different people. i like finding out where they're from and why they're in town. but honestly it will take some effort for me to be willing to do that again.

i just- THAT'S MY BAR ASSHOLE. that's my zen spot. don't come in and try to shit all over it. you'll probably never step foot in there again. i'll be back every week. don't you dare ruin that for me.

nice try monday

monday did a legit job of trying to make the day as shitty as possible. it's been fairly nice the last few weeks, so i guess it was just a matter of time before it tried to kick my ass.

nice try monday.

started out with a full connecting swing to the gut- had a very realistic dream about my dad last night. dreamed he was building a huge new house out in the woods- there were rooms for everyone, myself, the spawns, other visitors. this might seem strange, but it was one of the things that bothered me most growing up- when he and the second wife built a brand new house she didn't want any guest rooms- this mean when my older brother and i visited in the summer/spring break we either had to share rooms or couch surf. nothing like feeling like a guest ALL THE TIME at your parents house. it was a strange growing up.

the house he bought with his third wife had plenty of guest rooms and beds. it was nice to be welcome for once. and then in this dream- there were so many rooms, and he was so happy to have us and it was so nice to get to see him and talk to him and hug him again. and i was able to tell him that for the first time in a LONG time i feel really healthy and like i'm on the right track and going where i'm supposed to be.

it was a NICE dream.

and then i woke up.

it took me a minute for the full impact to hit.

and then i was in tears.

FUCK YOU MONDAY.

rough start.

small spawn picked a fight about wanting to ride his scooter to school. small issue that's actually really big- after the scare walking to school last week hes scared to walk any more but doesn't want to wait for me to walk him (he would miss breakfast). He wants to ride his scooter because it's faster. I won't let him because a) it's only 2 blocks, b) there's the what do you do with it when you get there issue, and c) it takes just as long to ride the scooter as it does to walk by the time you factor in crossing streets, crappy sidewalks, all of it.

ugh. not getting better.

i got to work, tried to set things aside, DEEP BREATH. because i had a dream about my dad and i know that New York is still working through his issues, i decided to check in with him and see how things are going.

apparently they're going VERY well.  as in he's been seeing someone and spending the last few weekends with her.

nice play monday. another direct gut shot.

and it's not like i'm sitting over here all devout and not being distracted by the occasional gentleman, but for him to actually be seeing someone? enough to mention it? and spending weekends with her? after all the...yeah.  ouch.

half of me is glad he's getting out and being around people again. i know he needs to not just sit at home and stare at the walls. but still. ouch.

so. i'm trying to stuff those feelings away, i'm determined not to let monday ruin my mascara.

then i get a phone call. the job that the temp agency though i was a perfect fit for- a direct hire, full time, great pay, benefits, executive assistant job- yeah, they filled it internally. no shot at an interview even.

FUCK.

ok monday. this isn't fun anymore.

it's fingertips on the edge of the canyon wall at this point.

those are some pretty hefty blows.

*sigh*

FUCK YOU MONDAY.

then there shines a small glimmer of hope- a prize package from castle megastore. yes, the adult toy store. FUN!

and then the glimmer gets a little bigger- my tax return will be deposited on valentines day. YAY.

then pandora radio pulls through with good music for the afternoon, and even though it's only 330 currently, i feel pretty safe in saying monday tried it's damndest, but i'm declaring a victory.

mascara is still intact. spirit is battered but weathering this stupid little storm. work is done in a few minutes and it's home to spawns and an evening of nothing on the schedule.

if you hang in there long enough and try your damndest to be a duck, eventually there's a break in the clouds.

i used to let this shit completely derail me. now i know there's a  moment of shit and an opportunity for things to get better. there's good friends that respond with commiserative but supportive texts, there's changes for random things to pop up and make the day better.

and, if all else fails, there's a few liquor stores on the way home.

we've got you covered

i've sat here the last three nights staring at my screen. i don't have writers block per say anymore- i have a list of ideas and musings that's growing constantly, things like:

if i could capture ALL my thoughts for just one day, i'd have blog material for a year. always have the best ideas/perfect sentences when i don't have something to write on OR i can't write fast enough to capture it the way it was in my head.

i'm going to start an underwear rental company called: "we've got you covered" and rent out underwear for special occasions. why? because finding out places like ross will take back underwear and sell it again as long as the tags are on it is DISGUSTING. and apparently, since the clerk made sure to point this little piece of gross out to me, plenty of people out there are disgusting.

i'm going to write an adult themed novel of all my sexcapades titled: "lessons learned the not so hard way."

musings on debating joining the dating world actively again including: where do you meet people? GOOD people. i go out on wednesdays, go to tweet-ups (twitter get togethers for those of you unfamiliar), first fridays (a monthly community event featuring local artists at local businesses), try to go to as many things as i can fit into the schedule that i'm invited to, i go grocery shopping, i chat with people in lines, i'm at a total loss.  where do you look????

back to the underwear topic, i scratched this down: to be confident in life you have to be confident in yourself. to be confident in yourself, you have to be comfortable and supported from the core up. this is a long way of saying I cleaned out my obnoxiously huge underwear drawer this weekend. (what is it with me and underwear lately?)

the start of HUGE blog posts like this: when I was in high school I was shoved into a myriad of counseling offices. one of those happened to be the youth pastor at out church at the time. the same one that made me announce to the whole youth group that i was pregnant because he didnt want them hearing rumors at school. he has since left the ministry to become a computer tech. but he was such a great leader. 
one of the meeting I had with him he asked what I was going to do when I grew up. in my teen angst I replied: if growing up means being like you, i'm never going to grow up.

now, I realize the error in my statement. I eventually did "grow up" in the sense that I have kids, a house, a dog, responsibilities. but at the same time, I haven't grown up because I'm not the one to kill dreams and ridicule people an make them feel terrible about themselves. ESPECIALLY teenagers.  <

so, you can see, lack of material isn't the issue right now.

i've been making BIG life changes that deserve to be written about, i've been working through things the RIGHT ways, learning, trying to improve myself...so, why haven't I been able to write?

i want to lie and say: gee, i have no clue.

truth is i know EXACTLY what's stopping me.

see, one of the big changes i made recently was leaving one of my jobs. i know it was the best decision for me BUT i'm not resolved in how it ended. it's been rattling around up in my head whether to leave well enough alone or go back and work on a better ending. i keep thinking that i took the easy way out- i only listed the reasons for leaving that rocked the boat the least, i didn't get into any of the meat of the issue. i don't like feeling dishonest, and i guess that's the best description for how i feel.

it's one of the strange little triggers i've been seeing in myself lately- i'm fighting SO HARD not to be my mom- i truly loathe every. single. thing. about her. but i fight so hard to be as different as i can that it can actually cause more problems.

one of the things i HATE the most is how she just sticks her head in the sand and ignores issues. pretend it never happened, ignore it long enough and people will quit talking about it. it drives me up a wall to see her do this over and over, so when i see myself doing something that even barely resembles it, i rebel and want to just pick and dig to make sure i didn't ignore ANYTHING or quit without giving a FULL effort. neither is a good approach to problems. i need to find balance somewhere in the middle. sometimes it's best to leave things alone. it really can be just a stupid pride issue and leaving it alone won't hurt anything besides my stupid little ego. sometimes there's some things that just. need. said. it can be an opportunity to help other people grow and if i'm thinking it, general logic says 3 other people are too and one of us needs to speak up and put a voice to it.

so am i actually feeling dishonest? am i just suffering from bruised pride? is it an issue better left alone? i'm working through it but it's taking up the main chunk of brain power right now and blocking the flow of much else.

speaking of triggers though, i'm learning quite a bit from the renew you course- tonight brought up another of my triggers and i was able to catch myself and think through and reason through my reaction- so there's little bit of pulling the head out of the ass going on.

tonight it was about "should-ing" myself. the last video worked through the 7 areas that we need to focus on and make sure we're dedicating time to in order to take better care of our mind for better experiences including being happier, healthier and more productive.

i worked through the list of 7 things, looked at the last 24 hours and which of those i had managed to do then looked at the last week, found the strengths, the gaps for improvement- you get the idea.

well, one of the 7 things of course is sleep health (which i obviously rock at, as i write this at 1230 at night). part of sleep time is sleep hygiene. so then i looked into the "proper sleep habits" of sleep hygiene.

are you starting to guess the spiral?

here's things i SHOULD be doing: SHOULD  be getting 8-10 hours of sleep, SHOULD be avoiding naps, alcohol 4-6 hours before bed, caffeine 4-6 hours before bed, sugar, spice, heavy food for 4-6 hours before bed, exercise, but not before bed, have the proper bedding, bed is only for sex and sleep- no reading, writing, music, tv...

the spiral just kept growing and i started getting overwhelmed and added to the list of SHOULD:

SHOULD be making home cooked meals every night.

SHOULD have a spotless clean house

SHOULD be doing homework and bedtime stories every night

SHOULD be working out daily

SHOULD be doing proper make up and skin care and grooming routine

SHOULD be maintaining craft/creative time

SHOULD be maintaining time with friends

SHOULD be making time for a partner./relationship

SHOULD be taking the kids to sports and extra curricular activities

SHOULD be volunteering at the schools or in the community...

and then i wrote out the SHOULD timeline: 

proper sleep: 10pm to 6am

work: 9am-4pm (8:30-4:30 with commute)

cut off for alcohol, food, caffeine: 4-6 pm so dinner ASAP after work

SO- after work and sleep i SHOULD be squeezing all the other list of SHOULD plus the new things i'm learning in...what...2.5 hours in the morning and 4 hours in the evenings? that's a LOT of stuff to fit in a small window.

and i sat back and looked at all the SHOULD and started getting SO MAD. i'm already a failure at enough things, now i look at all the SHOULD and realize how exponential my failures are. and i just wanted to reject all of it, INSTANTLY.

SCREW YOU. i don't want to even try to be healthy if means all that stress of SHOULD. how fucking boring would it be to live that way? you're so busy trying to be proper and healthy you have no time to LIVE. and fuck it all if life doesn't fly by fast enough on it's own to waste so much time on SHIT. pure SHIT. boring fucking life- getting up, going to work, checking off the list of should, and back to the beginning again. FUCK THAT.

knee jerk reaction was to walk away from all of it in a big pissy rage of FUCK YOU. 

then i stopped. and realized i was throwing the baby out with the bath water.

fuck. regroup.

look at it again. ok. so. maybe that list of 7 things is more of a sliding scale. we need all 7 parts to maintain a healthy self, but we don't HAVE to hit all 7 every single day. maybe it's more like a sliding scale of proportions-

yesterday i managed to hit 4 of the seven on the list and today was a pretty good day. today i've managed to hit 5 of the things on the list, we'll see how tomorrow goes, maybe it's only a 2 day. bottom line is i'm aware of all the pieces, aware of their importance, and aware that i need to make an effort to get to as many as i can. the world WON'T end if i don't hit them all. i'm not a failure as long as i keep trying and remembering they're there. the instructor keeps saying: imperfect actions. it's true. i'm never going to be the textbook idea of "perfect" but as long as i keep making imperfect actions i'm doing something right.

so that's something. i'm also learning to recognize each of the 7 parts and how to tell when one of them needs more attention or the proportional scale is getting out of balance. i talked to the instructor about it tonight- it's like a diet- you can eat all of one thing for a while, but eventually your body will tell you when it's missing/needing something. same with your mind- it will let you know when you need more in person connections, more sleep, more down time, more creative time, more physical time- AS LONG AS YOU'RE LISTENING for it. you eat salad for a week and suddenly you crave steak- your body is telling you there's a protein part missing. same with your mind- you can spend a week in intense work, or intense creating or only meditating- pretty soon you'll start to think maybe a night out is a good idea, or maybe it's time to take on a new project, maybe you'll be unable to avoid a nap- your mind will let you know how to balance out the scale again. 

so- learning not to knee jerk, learning balance, learning to tune into what's missing or out of balance. it's almost like i'm becoming a REAL grown up. scary thought, isn't it? those don't seem like BIG things, but they're already making a difference. there was also one other big break through about breaking patterns and learning how to get out of a rut i've been stuck in for the last...oh...15 years, but that's a whole other post after i've worked out a bit more of the grit on that one.