becoming...?

i’ve been in this strange transition type thing lately. i’m not sure what it is or how to describe it really. it's not really a re-invention since i'm not starting from scratch, but it is more than simply changing the favorite ice cream flavor. maybe it’s simply growing up and i’m just now catching on.

i know we all go through a continuous cycle of change and becoming who we are and all the cliche things that we see on plaques and pinterest posts all over the place. they’re cliche for a reason. i don’t mind the process, i welcome it. i don’t want to stay the same person forever. that would mean i’ve closed my mind, stopped learning, stopped seeking, stopped growing. i never want to stop any of those things.

i guess my struggle, if you could call it that, is learning to balance the process out. writing for the magazine has been AMAZING. i’m writing, #1. actually writing. getting my voice out there. a voice that was picked because of what it is. i can’t even begin to say how exciting that is. i was asked to be on this magazine because of who i am. not because i’m a writer and they wanted to twist my words. i AM what they were looking for, as i am now. mouthy, sassy, brash, vocal, raw honesty, all of it. i love the things i’m learning. i love doing photo shoots, interviewing artists, coming up with new ideas, watching it each issue grow and take on a life all its own. my creativity has jumped back to the forefront, there’s a million ideas chasing around in my head all the time, new things to try, ideas for articles, everything. i’m stepping into a world i’ve never been in and learning to still love myself even though i don’t always feel comfortable or in place. i’m not used to art shows, models, photographers, being in pictures and on camera. it’s totally different and new and fucking SCARY.

here’s the strange thing- the more i step into this new world, the more old pieces of me have been surfacing. and i’m not quite sure what to do with that yet.

back in the day (a wednesday, of course). i used to be an entirely different person. perhaps i shouldn’t say ENTIRELY- there’s still pieces of that girl floating around. in high shool i went through a few incarnations- mostly a nerd, there was also an “i dont care” phase where in there was some terrifically bad hair and ill fitting mens tee shirts (remember big dog brand? oh yeah...i had those). there was the country phase in which i tried like hell to be pretty, do my hair, wore wranglers and boots most days and had a few shirts like this: that i LOVED (oh the days when i wasn’t embarrassed if my midriff showed). i slowly morphed into a cheerleader and tried even harder to be pretty (when your mum doesn’t believe in any hair products/tools, make up, anything even remotely feminine, it’s harder than you’d imagine). during this whole time i was a nice, quiet book nerd, kept to myself- partly out of my natural self, partly out of all sorts of trouble that i’d been in my first few years of high school. better to be invisible as much as possible. i went to church every sunday and wednesday, had taken a purity pledge- no sex til marriage, did what my parents said, did my school work as well as i could, had very few friends, just kind of...there.

i got knocked up and became a mom before really having a chance to know who i wanted to be when i grew up- almost overnight i was “up”. went to college and got a LITTLE bit of self, got married and lost that, and have spent the last 9 years figuring out what and who i want to be now. even that’s changed- 6 years ago i SWORE i would never leave my small little town. 3 years ago i could have never imagined NOT being a corporate stooge. now i have no idea what tomorrow holds.

my homes have shifted over the years- from hand me down personality and furniture to “country” comfortable (oh, so, much, blue) and now i guess it could be called eclectic at best. i’ve always had pictures of family, art other people thought i would like, art i actually DO like, slowly, it’s grown into MY house. everything here is something i picked and brought in. i appreciate the help from people over the years, but it’s finally me. dark wood furniture, comfortable seating, fancy flashes here and there, strange pieces that shouldn’t fit but do, things i looked for FOREVER, things i found and instantly fell in love with. even that is shifting though- i think it’s time to put away the memorial for my dad, keep a few things out and tuck the rest away. time to have a family WALL instead of shotgunned through the house and let the rest be art that i love and want to show to people. my voice is changing again. i love it. i’m just not sure where it’s going.

back to the original point, the more i change the more flashes of past selves are emerging. i’m comfortable again in jeans and teeshirts, gone are the office clothes and slacks and fitted shirts of not so long ago. my music (much to the horror of those around me) has shifted back to country. as much as i want to dress up in a ball gown for the magazine launch party, i just as badly want to put on some jeans and boots and go line dancing at a back-woods bar. i’ve LOVED having people over for bbqs and dinners and random things. that’s something i wanted to do years ago but lost somewhere along the way.

there’s also the newer me- the one more willing to stand up for herself and speak her mind. i’m realizing (slowly but surely) that i’m worth a damn lot more than i give myself credit for. i’m creating art, meeting people, taking chances, pushing myself (with help). i’m comfortable giving my opinions, being my whole self, walking away from poisonous things without worrying about the other person instead of myself. i’ve had the chance to step away from what i HAD to do and have been able to try what i wanted to do. i’ve also learned to recognize and admit that it isn’t working and have gown enough to know there’s a balance there. i can seek the stability i need and still keep the things i love- at least some of them. now i need to learn to do that with myself, not just my circumstances. there’s room for a tattooed, country, unconventional, mouthy, conservative, artistic, honest, down home, glamorous rebel in the world, isn’t there?

raising the warning flag

 

if you don’t let people know there’s a problem, they can’t help you find the solution.

there isn’t a problem.

yet.

i’m filling the sandbags and preparing the emergency packs just in case.

i’m being honest, i’m being truthful, i’m trying like hell to head the stampede off at the ravine.

i’m terrified of the month of august. hell. i’m terrified of july thru october. there’s so much that just- i can’t really prepare for it, i just have to be aware and recognize and say when i need help.

it’s been three years since we lost tyra and baby roman. if you’re not familiar, tyra was my oldest sons step mother. she was a BEAUTIFUL young lady. the best thing to happen to my sons father. she was a pure, sweet soul that impacted everyone she knew in only the best and most positive ways. she passed away due to complications during childbirth and baby roman was only here long enough to be baptized before he went to be with his sweet mother.

as that was happening my brother steve was in a severe accident that left him in a medical coma for several days and started the path to his life ending a few months later in october 2009. august was the month we watched him struggle in the hospital. september we watched him go through rehab and thought he was getting better. that year was the first time he had ever called me on my birthday (ours were just a few days (and years) apart). october we lost him to suicide.

two years ago this august i lost my dad.

my kids will be leaving this sunday for a MUCH NEEDED mommy vacation. i love my children. i can’t imagine ever not being with them. but i need a break. there is no tag team parenting here. there is no wednesdays/every other weekend off. this will be the longest time EVER that i will be without my kids. EVER. in the last 14 years. i’ve had a week off here and there. i’ve even had two weeks off-ish (with a day in between transfers). this will be three full weeks without kids. it’s great. i need time to refresh and rebuild.

BUT.

that’s also a LOT of alone time. during the hard months. i know i haven’t deal with 80% of the grief. i’ve been busy, distracted, head in the sand over the last two years. i’ve avoided and held it together because i’ve HAD to hold it together. i’m more than a little worried that there will be too much “thinky thoughts” time during the next three weeks. i’m worried that known triggers will get to me. the autism cruise scares me because it was the next day i woke up to the news about my dad. the cruise didn’t cause it, it’s an illogical association, but it’s associated.  when i got the news about tyra, steves accident, my dad- my kids were gone staying with someone for the week. now they’re going to be gone staying with someone and i’m already on edge worried about what news will come this time. my kids being gone didn’t cause anything to happen. same as the boat cruise didn’t start my dad’s fire. but it’s there. it’s a reminder, a trigger.

so. here i am. asking for help. i’m getting pretty good at watching myself and recognizing things for what they are. doesn’t mean I won’t slip or that someone else won’t catch it faster than  I will. We all know how it’s easier to see things in others than ourselves.