i had a date(ish)

gather around darlings, i have a delightful holiday tale that is sure to warm your hearts:

(or at least make you laugh/pee a little so SOME part of you is warmish)

i had a “date” last night.

before you get all excited for me it must be stated: this was not a “you’re hot and i want to take you out” date, this was a very old friend in town for the holidays, knows i’m single and rarely get to go out on this type of event, in the spirit of the holidays threw me a bone “date”.

so. you know. go me.

now, before i get too far into it you need to know that in spite of everything i actually had a pretty good time. it was good to be out, it was good to feel pretty, and it was good to not have to buy my own drinks/dinner/lap dances for once (we’ll get back to that last one in a minute).

so the friend in question is/was actually staying at my house for a few days while in town. he got to town thursday evening, friday we hung out a bit before he had to go do some things, then we were both back at my house around 3 (with both spawns) hanging out. 3 in the afternoon. it was actually a little before 3- yes, time is important. you see, between the time he got back to my house and the time i went to take the small spawn to a friends for a sleep over at 5 he was already SIX drinks ahead of me: two shooter bottles of gentlemans jack, firefly on the rocks, three screwdrivers. nothing lets your date know you’re excited about taking her out like getting completely smashed before it even starts.

i get back from dropping the small spawn off and start to get ready. a date is a date and damn it, i wanted to look nice. pretty skirt, nice strapless top, big girl shoes, big hair, big make up, i pulled out ALL the stops. while i’m doing this he has another drink and a bit of green because that of course lets a lady know you can’t wait to be alone with her- a completely altered reality. awesome. (also lets her know that she will be driving for the evening and not able to partake in any drinks herself. even better).

while i’m getting ready i was complimented several times along the lines of “you look hot. it’s nice to have my escort look so hot. you’re my escort for the evening, right? i’m paying for everything and getting sex after, so you’re my escort, right?”

i just love compliments. they make me glow.

yes, i still went through with the date. i’m that desperate. again: go me.

so we decide on a spot for dinner and start the evening out. dinner was actually delightful at a very nice restaurant but we forgot to factor in one thing: a gentleman’s club was on the agenda for the evening and the restaurant we had picked tended to be a little (as in the nile is just a little river) heavy handed on the garlic and onion. PERFECT for an evening of up close and personal with beautiful women (and the supposed sexy time at the end of the evening).

conversation was great through dinner. we talked about how long we had know each other, how we’ve both grown over the years, real, good, meaningful conversation. a little shocking all considered.

after dinner (one more drink) it was still early and the friends he planned on meeting at the club weren’t ready yet so we decided to drive around a bit (after stopping for a coors tall boy). this turned into about an hour and a half driving around in BFE, in pea soup fog, with NO IDEA where we were at. not the worst, but for sure not exactly a nice night out type thing. I WILL SAY: we did use this time to continue talking about things which was really nice. one caveat: you just never know how much is real conversation and how much is “altered state of mind” conversation. not really sure how much of it he remembers or meant. so. yeah.

we finally decide that we’ve had enough driving around and we’ll just go to his buddy’s house and wait for him to get ready to go to the club. translation: we’ll go park out back of his buddies house and attempt teenage car sex until his buddy is ready to go.

oh yeah. i just said that.

two adults. one car. a whole lot of (one sided) alcohol. a fuck ton of awkward.

let me just say: no matter how old you are, no matter how big your car is, no matter what you may think: CAR SEX IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA. add in a little alcohol and GOSH DARN IT, wouldn’t you now, things just didn’t quite go as planned.

we finally head out to the gentleman’s club and the rest of the evening was pretty good. see, i’m one of those girls who LIKES other girls. i think women are beautiful and i truly admire the dancers at the gentleman’s club. they are (with some exceptions) athletic, brave, sensual women who are damn smart and good at what they do. i’ve had many a conversation about this with men, women, and some dancers. they truly are damn good hustlers, sales women, business women and the best ones do this with little to no (visible) effort so that the drooling neanderthals around the stage think they’re being awesome getting this girls attention while she’s making bank and taking money that they’re willingly throwing in her direction. plus: boobies! yes, i said it.

i was able to enjoy a very nice lap dance from a beautiful woman which all the men were jealous of (yes, mine was longer than yours deal with it). i happened to run into a friend i hadn’t seen in way too long and was able to catch up on a little chatting amidst all the distractions. i got to watch boys be stupid boys which is always fun. finally i got to watch my date ingest quite a few more drinks which assured that i was safe from the sexy time at the end of the evening that he had been planning on.

so the “date” ended well enough but i want to point out a few things that really were a train wreck that i managed to ignore.

men: don’t EVER refer to your date as your escort for the evening unless you looked up an ad in the yellow pages, ordered her and had to put a credit card on reserve for the evening to happen. it is damn demeaning, angering, and honestly purely insulting. i understand that all you want out of the evening is the sexy time at the end and you’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that happens. one way to make sure it DOESN’T happen is to let me know up front in plain english that’s all you think i am/am good for.

don’t EVER let a woman know you can’t afford to take her out but you’re doing it anyway. nothing ruins the evening as quick as “i know i’ll hate myself tomorrow for how much i spend on you tonight.” AWE.SOME. and YES, this was actually said to me.

also, along the same line: don’t ever let your date know you had to borrow money to take her out. FROM. YOUR. MOM. this one didn’t happen to me but it DID happen to a darling friend of mine a few weeks ago. a guy actually had the half balls to say he wanted to take her out for a drink but had to ask him mom for a loan first. if you can’t afford it, find a different option. buy a sixer and rent a movie. it’s a LOT cheaper, less noisy, and more one on one time. plus you don’t have the whole awkward: “he borrowed money from his mommy” vibe the whole evening.

i understand having a few drinks or a little herbal relaxation to mellow you out before a date. WITHIN REASON. getting smashed before she even starts getting ready is NOT a good thing. really. nothing tells a girl you dont want to go out with her more than having to be blasted to go through with it.

NEVER. EVER. suggest car sex. EVER.

don’t complain that the girls lap dance was longer than yours. enjoy the fact that you have a woman who is excited to be at the club with you and that you even got to watch her getting a lap dance. i mean how fucking sexy is that? getting to watch a girl get a LONG lap dance and enjoy it? and you complained?

don’t make her wake up in the morning to you flogging the dolphin. wrestling the cyclops. choking the chicken. FUCKING MASTURBATING IN HER BED RIGHT NEXT TO HER.

hmm. sorry. probably should have given you a little warning about that last one.

*sigh* and people wonder why i’m single.

quit(ish)

there’s been so much going on lately and yet nothing at the same time. it’s been good and bad and creative and stressful and boring and all of everything rolled into one hot mess.

this weekend i’ve been laying pretty low while battling a huge round of depression and decision making and general yuk.

i’ve been making so many plans lately and having just as many fall through on me. it’s been hard. i was going to help one of my bosses open a stove shop that he’s been waiting to do for a long time. things stalled on that. then i was going to start my own pay-by-the-day secretarial business and things stalled on that. i found out one of the coffee shops i work at was possibly open for purchase and then that fell through. i’ve applied for mortgages, planned out three businesses, worked at two coffee shops and helped manage two other businesses. i’m learning social media and online advertising for businesses on the fly. i’m taking messages, making appointments, dealing with people who have never met me but still hate me (you should see the hate mail letter). in the middle of all this i’m dealing with a moody teenager and an 8 year old who HATES everything.

i’m tired. i’m stressed. i’m frustrated and i have the window ledge full of empty wine bottles to prove it.

i had to quit(ish) one of my jobs today. i’m so frustrated with this decision. i feel like a huge failure. i’ve never quit before. i made the decision to leave my last job but it wasn’t because i couldn’t do it or i wasn’t successful at it. i left for family and i left on good terms. not so much this time. this time i was a flat failure. the worst part is that it wasn’t even really my failure. i had a boss that had little to no respect for me which makes things, well, impossible. every appointment i set was either ignored or he would be late to. messages i took were ignored. my calls were sent to voice mail (why bother leaving a message when i’m the one that reviews them?). clients would call asking why their appointment was missed or their call not returned and i ended up looking like an incompetent idiot. i HATE being made to look like an idiot. i’m damn good at what i do. DAMN GOOD. but there was no way for the clients to know that. i looked like the bumbling secretary that couldn’t take a message or schedule an appointment without screwing up. i was busting my ass getting advertising, social media, web listings, appointments, taking messages, organizing, trying to make things work smoother and take the stress off him and all it was doing was quadrupling my stress. why am i taking calls at 7am on sunday morning when he could care less? why am i answering his texts at 10pm about appointments or billings when i had tried to reach him all day?

i stopped to talk to him today to let him know where i was at. this is a HUGE thing for me. normally i just pull the plug and walk away. generally there’s a large emotional explosion and a grand finale and no going back. this time i tried to be different. i tried to talk about it before i was at the explosion point. i calmly told him everything i just wrote out above. i told him that i was frustrated but if things could change i would still be on board.

and then there was silence. stone. cold. silence.

so. i left.

there was apparently nothing left to say.

about an hour later i had a text message asking me how to take the call forwarding off.

so. i guess that’s that. i didn’t mean to quit. i was asking for change and a little respect. i guess i got my answer.

so. nifty.

less stress. that’s a good thing, right?

BUT. that was pretty much the last hope of avoiding cubicle world again. the last hope of something that would work out and pay the bills and let me still be a mom. so. now it’s back to corporate robot world. yuk.

and in the middle of all that did i mention my teenager is failing school and my 8 year old is being bullied every day AND failing school?

i guess i’m failing at the staying home and being a mom thing too. awe.some.

and did i mention that i’m still single?

why the fuck isn’t there more wine at this pity party?

SILVER LINING:

i have a washer and dryer installed and working.

i’ve learned how to make a damn good cup of coffee in the last few months.

i’ve learned how to do some awesome local online advertising.

i have my office unpacked and put together.

i have a good house that has kept us warm through some damn cold nights already this winter.

i have a good car that handles winter time like it’s a regular summer day.

i’ve got great people that aren’t ashamed to have a twilight marathon with me.

finally: i’m still able to convince the moody teenager to make an idiot of himself with his friend by doing broadway dance songs on the wii in exchange for zelda time. that’s kinda priceless.