a farewell to 2010

well, another year is coming to an end. i'm not sure what it means any more- the changing of one year to another. do i believe that magically over night with the dropping of a ball, a ton of glitter, and the consumption of way too much alcohol by the general public things will suddenly be all better? that all the shit that happened over the last calendar year will be put away and never thought of again?

no. i do not. i don't particularly understand the big celebration- it's just turning another calendar page. it's another way of marking time passing- and we all know time is passing too quickly anyway. no need to celebrate it and egg it on and make it think we're happy it's getting away from us so quickly.

do i have any big resolutions for the new year? no. my resolutions started a few years ago when loved ones started checking out early. my resolution to enjoy time with the people i love more. to let them know how much i love them. to spend more time making myself happy and less time doing what i'm "supposed" to be doing just because i think i'm "supposed" to be doing it. to let go of things that are unhealthy, no matter how hard it may be. to embrace things that promote me being the best self i can be an in that being the best mom and friend i can be.

was 2010 a particularly bad year? yeah, it was. any worse than 2009? not really. any worse than 2003? not really. any worse than most years in my history? well, yeah, it was. but it was also a good year. life changed. devastating things happened. but i wasn't the only one they happened to though. and though all the shit some really happy things came to pass. i was able to find really healthy people to surround myself with. i was able to take trips and go places for the first time ever. i was able to take my first family vacation with my kids. i will be able to take a full year off to see what i want to be when i grow up and learn how to be a better mom and friend and person. i've learned empathy and compassion and understanding and that life does continue on even when the worst possible thing that you could ever imagine has happened. i've learned the difference between grieving death and celebrating life. i've learned that even in the middle of terrible darkness there can be laughter and love and support and friendship. i've learned that life will reflect what you want to make it reflect. if you focus on the bad, then everything will be bad, everywhere you look there will be problems around every corner will be illness, drama, hurt, more bad. if you focus on the good  you will find happiness, friendship, support, love, health, good memories. yes, the bad still happen, but you can look past and through them to find what you can take from it and use to help yourself grow.

i'm starting to sound like one of those people that i hate...i'm not sure when exactly i became a pollyanna fucking sunshine, but there it all is in text. so. i guess i am.

i just know that if anyone get to complain about what a shitty year it is, i hold that trump card, but i'm not going to play it. i would rather instead focus on the great last birthdays i had with my dad, the great first holidays i had with my kids, the great first trips i got to take with (or to visit) friends. i would rather look back and know that we made the best of the worst than just stop and look at the worst.

i'm still crying while i type this. it's still really fucking hard. it still sucks to look back and admit all that's happened over the last two years. it's too much to sit still and think about. it still takes my breath away and stops me in my tracks at the strangest moments. but that's ok. those will happen for many years. there will  be many good years to come. i'm sure there will be many more bad years to come too. it's all about balance. 

anytwaddle- happy calendar change day. happy start writing the wrong date on checks for a month. happy night to get smashingly drunk and kiss a stranger at midnight. or happy get smashingly drunk and kissing the one you're with. happy make a bunch of new resolutions that you wont keep. one way or another: HAPPY. happiness to all of you. may you learn to see the good and celebrate it. may you be surrounded by people that you love from here forward. may you truly have a HAPPY new year.

happiness, rainbows, unicorns and all that other schmoopy shit- from our family to yours.

the thanksgiving trip (finally)

wow. so. i haven’t posted in FOREVER. there’s a million and one excuses- none of them hold water (or snow in this weather). i could say i’ve been busy finishing up things at work, and i have, but i’ve also been only working half days for the last two weeks due to the holiday (and my chomping at the bit to be out of here). i could say things have been crazy at home, but we all know i’m an insane insomniac and there’s plenty of quiet down time to write if i would just do it. i could say there hasn’t been anything to write about, but there’s a LIST of blog topics, two trips, and my first two major holidays without family to prove otherwise. so. basically it just boils down to me slacking and keeping the voices in my head instead of getting them out and getting a start on what i’m supposed to be spending the whole next year doing.

*sigh*

long story short: there may be a blog flood by the end of the day.

we may as well back track to thanksgiving:

FIRST FAMILY TRIP!

that’s right. and yes, it’s sad. it was our first family trip. my spawns are 12 and 7 and this was our first family trip. welcome to poor ass broke, population: us. BUT this year is different and we headed over to silver mountain in kellogg, idaho for a long weekend at their ski hill/indoor water park. the trip over was really short…don’t know why i haven’t realized before how close it is. it was my first time back to kellogg in probably close to 11 years. went over to visit a few times when the oldest spawn was tiny and my brother was a cop over there- so, yeah. a while. the resort was BEAUTIFUL. we had a cute little room with a huge kitchen, dual head shower, soaking tub, fire place, balcony- hell, it even had a washer/dryer in the room which came in handy with all the swim suits and things. that’s right, we went there for thanksgiving, to a ski hill, in the snow, and spent 90% of our time in the water. nothing says thanksgiving like sitting in a hot tub drinking vodka/seven. this may be a new tradition! the first day was a bit rough. my kids and i have been so scattered with work and school and rushing home to hurry and get some dinner so they could hurry off to bed for the next day…we haven’t really had any time together. so this was a big change for us. and it was a GOOD change. a good chance to reconnect and be a family. once we worked through a few hiccups and got used to being around each other things were good. we did make it up the ski hill one day- took the gondola 45 minutes up to the top of the ski hill realize we’re not really snow people. i shouldn’t say that. we don’t mind snow. we don’t mind cold. but when you have snow AND cold AND wind it gets to be a little much. especially when it’s the type of wind that you have to lean into to stand up straight…i’m more of a fireplace and book kind of girl when the weather is like that. but the oldest one got to snowboarding and sledding (inner tubes). the little one didn’t want to try anything, so we quickly called it a good experience and headed back down the hill back to the hot tubs and water slides. in all we ended up having an excellent time and really enjoyed being with each other. there’s not much more you could ask for! there were a few rough patches- the thanksgiving dinner was TERRIBLE but it was balanced out by awesome food at the snack bar at the water park- there’s something about cheap ass pizza and nachos that was HAPPY IN THE PANTS for the whole weekend. the first day at the water park was rough also- the little spawn has a really hard time doing things that are new and different. you basically have to FORCE him to try things. once you do it’s all well and good, but the initial experience is always draining. the first day he REFUSED to get into the water at all: no wading, no slides, no fountains- it was looking to be a LONG weekend. but after a few tears (on both sides) and finally getting him into the water, there was no getting him out on the last day when it was time to go. something we will have to keep working through each time we face something new. hopefully he’ll learn to fight a little less and trust a little more and it will balance out.

overall it was as good as a trip could have been. the roads were good on the way there and back, we had movies and snuggle time every night, fun in the water park all day, and really just an excellent first family vacation. YES, there are pictures. i’ll add a few to this when i get a chance- i *JUST* downloaded them on my laptop a few days ago and haven’t had a chance to go through them at all yet.

now to the icky part of it: it was hard for me. two year ago i had my first ever thanksgiving with my dad and my little brother. last year we had thanksgiving with my dad but my little brother was gone. this year they are both gone. it was really hard. i tried not to think about it the whole weekend, but considering that the whole reason we were able to take the trip…yeah. double edged sword. it was GREAT to be able to go and have a good time and start our own new little family tradition. but is SUCKED that we had to start our own new little family tradition. i made it through the whole trip without too many tears (save the battles with the small spawn) but driving home we drove past the valley mall in spokane. not a big deal. we’ve been out to the mall a few times over the past few months, i’ve driven to idaho and back and down that stretch of road a few times. but for some reason, this time driving back i was reminded of a few years ago when my dad and his wife stayed at a hotel out by the mall for the oldest spawns birthday. i remember sitting in their hotel room with them while the spawn opened his gifts and the kids getting to stay the night there and go swimming with grandpa. maybe it was because we were just coming back from a hotel, maybe it was because it was a family gathering, maybe it was just that i really saw what i was driving past for the first time in a while but holy fuck did it hit like a ton of bricks. out of nowhere i was suddenly bawling and flooded with memories and thinking about the whole weekend we had just finished and all of it all at once. it’s the strange moments like that that hit the hardest. they’re the ones you can’t see coming and can’t prepare for. you can prepare for the big holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, the BIG things. but the little things, the random reminders, the out of the blue memories that hit- those are SO FUCKING HARD. they just hit you and level you and leave you flat on your ass wondering what the fuck just happened. there i was, driving down the interstate, coming off an excellent weekend, and suddenly i’m just BAWLING. not the best when you’re going 70 down the road with 2 kids in the back seat that have no idea what’s going on.

i’m finding more of those lately too. those odd moments that just HIT. i was getting better for a while- feeling more on an even keel, healing, dealing well, but the last week or so has just been wicked. not even so much the christmas thing although that didn’t help (but i’ll get to that in another post). just the small thing- remembering how he always asked about my snow tires, how he always reminded me that i can’t feed the world, remembering how he did whatever he could whenever he could to help someone else out. just remembering him. trying to think of and remember as much as i can. every memory that i want to hold on to. i want to take time to write out all my memories of him and share them with everyone- partially so i don’t forget, and partially so you all can know him too.

so. you know. it was a hard but good weekend. it was a new tradition. it was our chance to be a family. it was also a reminder that the old things can’t happen anymore. and it was a time to feel the loss of the family that is gone. everything in balance, right?

mama bear is NOT hibernating yet

so. growl. i do not respond well to being poked with a stick. parent teacher problems persist. here's the latest. please, PLEASE let me know if i'm over reacting. although a suppose at this point, the last email has already been sent...but if i need to back down, please, PLEASE let me know. my mama bear tends to growl first (although a thought out and thoroughly contemplated growl) and ask if i'm over reacting second...

email one: my initial email yesterday morning:

Good morning-

It appears that conference time for this semester has come and gone and my opportunity to discuss [spawn's] progress has been overlooked.

This year and last year both I requested phone conferences due to my work schedule. Both years no phone conference happened.

The lack of response is particularly frustrating this year given the classroom meeting in October and my sincere desire to stay on top of things and help make this year a good year for [spawn]. Additionally, it is frustrating that even after making sure the correct contact information was provided I have not received any feedback from the classroom at all since our meeting.

I have had feedback from [principal] and [spawn]. From [spawn's] side, he reported that things improved for a bit after the meeting but then began to backslide again and his efforts have been met with little assistance or patience and even some resistance again. I do understand that this is his side of the story only, but I am more than apt to believe it is an increasingly accurate depiction of events as I, as the parent, am receiving the same results.

I would like to request an honest answer as to why so little effort is being made to meet us half way in these efforts. I do understand busy schedules and a classroom full of families to work with. I do not understand why nothing at all is being done. I would even go so far as to say that while I do feel the original meeting was helpful in having my concerns heard, I also feel that the majority of the meeting was spent defending or making excuses at the classroom level and that the only real help came when [principal] joined and was able to provide a buffer of sorts to help move things along. I do not understand where the friction originated and I do not understand why it is so difficult to resolve.

As it seems phone conferences are not an available option, I would request a classroom meeting again, with [principal] if possible, to discuss [spawn's] progress since the last meeting.  I would also like to note that as of January 1, 2011 I will no longer be working and would like to request a list of the best times to volunteer in the classroom in a more hands on approach to helping make this school year better and more successful.

Thank you for your time-

[mama bear]

email two: her response yesterday afternoon:

[mama bear],

I sent several notices home and E-mails were sent requesting a response on times that worked for you.  I have not received anything from you.  I am still doing conferences this week and would love to meet with you.  You are the only one who has not responded on a time.  When I schedule a phone conference, parents will let me know what time works best for them.  I think it is important for [spawn] to know that you are also looking at his portfolio of work while we are conferencing.  I know employers are usually very supportive of allowing their employees to conference with the teachers twice a year.
Let me know a time you can meet in the morning or right after school.

[teacher]

email three: my response this morning:

[teacher]-

To date this is the first email I have received of any nature since our October meeting. Additionally, one notice was sent home for conferences. It was signed and returned the same week.

I strongly resent the implication that I am a liar. I also strongly resent the continued blame and lack of personal responsibility on your part. As stated at the conference in October, there are multiple way to reach me via cell phone, work phone, and mail to the home in addition to email. If it was as apparent as it seems that I was the only one to not respond, I would have to ask why a phone call was not made or further effort, especially given the previous attention and efforts on my part.

I also strongly resent that my emails to you are discussed with my son in the classroom. He has no prior knowledge to my communications with you and for him to be dressed down and grilled in the classroom is beyond inappropriate. Such matters as discussed herein are parent-teacher matters only.

I feel, at this time, that no further progress can be made between you and I. It seems we are at an impasse. I would request that a dedicated third party be appointed for routing and mitigating all future communications.

I will be filing a formal complaint with the school board over these matters and the treatment both my son and I have been subjected to over the past year and a half.

I again request a list of times available to volunteer in the classroom as I feel even more strongly now that my presence in the classroom is vital to making sure my son has a successful second half of the school year.


[mama bear]

so. what say you bloggosphere?

typical wednesday night

you guys: i feel a SMALL twinge of guilt this morning. i think i broke someone’s heart a little last night. and not even someone i know- just some random guy in the concert house. i almost feel bad.

see. i went to a concert last night. alone. let’s not get started on how pathetic that was. at least i finally sucked it up and went.

so. i’m standing there, chatting with a few fellow concert goers and an adorable little redneck boy says to me:

“see that girl? mark my words, i’m going to marry her one day!”

me: “awwww…if i believed in marriage, that would be adorable!”

at which point his heart literally broke right in front of me. the look on his face- it was like he had just watched me kick a puppy at a newborn baby and then dunked them both in a vat of acid while punching a unicorn. he was SO UPSET.

even worse?

his girlfriend (or the girl he was referencing anyway) looks at me and goes: I KNOW, RIGHT? i like this girl, she says exactly what’s in my head!

ummm…ouch. let me know when that marriage is- i’ll make sure to keep the 4th of never open…

we continued to chat a little during which time i managed to completely freak out the adorable little redneck boy- to the point where he was saying: “yes ma’am” to everything i said. apparently he’s never met a female with an opinion or at least one willing to speak it before. i think it may have hurt his brain a little. for example, he was asking about why i didn’t believe in marriage to which i responded i wasn’t big on the idea of only sleeping with one person for the rest of my life. you’d swear he thought _I_ shot bambi’s mother after that.

here’s a few other enjoyable conversations i had last night:

in the girls bathroom- girl in stall is trying to “comfort” friend manning the door for her:

door girl: but i was flirting with him and he was flirting back, right?

stall girl: yeah, but flirting only gets you so far.

door girl: but he was totally into it, wasn’t he?

stall girl: no, he was pretending to be into it because you bought him a drink.

me: flirting and fucking are two completely different things. until you have a cock in you, none of it counts.

door girl: HEY

stall girl: oooo…say that again, she needs to hear that!

me: (repeat the previous statement) you can flirt all you want, until you either have a cock in your mouth or in you, it doesn’t really mean anything at all.

door girl: really? but he seemed so into it.

me: darling, you bought him alcohol, of course he was into it. for that moment at least.

stall girl: i like you. you say what i’m thinking but can’t say.

side note: GIRLS: if you can’t speak your mind to your friends (big assumption on my part…but one WAS holding the door for the other) then are you REALLY friends? grow a pair and speak your own damn minds already. i mean, i’m glad to be able to do it for you, but PLEASE, PLEASE learn to do it for yourselves.

so, there was a semi-cute guy in what appeared to be a snap front shirt (one of my favorite things on earth). i, of course, had to check it out.

me: sorry, not trying to grope you, just wanted to see if this is a snap front shirt.

*checking*

me: awww…they’re buttons. do you know how long those take to get off?

him: ummm…yeah, they kinda take a while.

me: and then by the time you get to the last one you’re bored and not really in the mood anymore and ready to move on to other things. you really should invest in snap front shirts.

him: what about his? (gesturing to his buddy standing across from him)

*checking*

me: nope. his are buttons too. and they’re even smaller buttons. those are REALLY hard to function in a hurry.

him: huh. good to know.

asshole buddy in a polo with his stick up the ass girlfriend: ummm, he’s single but NOT looking.

me: really? well, thanks for that tip. i wasn’t asking, just checking his shirt, but, you know, good to know.

asshole buddy: oh.

semi-cute guy: what do you mean by snap front shirts?

*demonstration of my own snap front shirt*

him: oh. that is handy.

me: by the way, nice pecs. those would be a good hand grip.

him: really?

me: yeah, the’re a little soft, but good edge to them. they’d work.

asshole buddy in a polo with his stick up the ask girlfriend: what? what about mine?

*checking with girlfriend before coping a feel*

me: umm…there’s nothing there. no pecs at all. couldn’t even pretend to get a grip.

semi-cute guy: *trying not to laugh*

stick up the ass girlfriend: *nodding along sadly*

polo asshole: *offended* what? you don’t need a hand grip anyway.

me: well, if that works for you, but these *coping a feel of the semi-cute guy again* are pretty good. these would work really well.

and then i walked away. thought it was funny how the asshole in the polo (really- who the fuck wears a damn polo to a country concert? bastard) was all trying to intervene for his buddy…then changed his tune a bit when i snapped back at him and then kept talking to his buddy. even funnier: semi-cute guy found me at the end of the concert, walked over and introduced himself and said it was fun talking to me. so. yeah, he was obviously really offended by my talking to him and needed intervened for. stupid asshole polo guy.

so. mildly interesting evening. GREAT music. way too many people that offended my eyes. the idiots at the venue decided to turn on the lights between the opening band and the main show- it was WAY too early in the evening/not enough alcohol in for THAT to happen in that crowd. seriously people: why must you offend my eyes so? there were more than a few coyote ugly people there- one girl was so offensive that i may or may not have said the following: “fuck, even if i woke up on the other side of the room from that, i would still chew my damn arm of just out of disappointment in myself for being anywhere near that!” to which several people agreed.

one girl there a group of us were placing bets on: she either had no nipples at all, or had piercings that were laced through her bra because that was the only way in hell something wasn’t flashing/falling out. seriously- those suckers were as far out as i’ve ever seen but still, oddly, against gravity, slightly contained. plus they were all covered in veins and WAY too vomitous. didn’t seems to bother the douchecaptain she was with though. they made quite the pair.

still trying to figure out how i didn’t gouge my eyes out before the evening ended. OH…and, in completely odd bar experiences: had three people smell my hair. one guy was approximately 900 feet tall and had to keep bending town to talk to me (and i’m not exactly short). during one of his excursions down from the north pole he stopped talking and just stood there for a minute. i’m all: umm…whatcha doin up there? he just kinda looked puzzled…and said: “your hair…” i laughed and said “skittles?” the hairspray i use totes smells like skittles. i may or may not have developed a bit of a huffing problem since switching to this brand. he kept smelling it while bending over to talk to me. i cracked up. then his buddies wondered what the hell he was doing so then they had to take a sniff too. i think one of them even bit me…wanted to taste the rainbow he said. so. you know. interesting experiences.

over all, not a bad wednesday.

that's you little girl-

last week i was going to write a blog. not a very nice blog. i was going to write a pretty damn mean blog. to myself. about everything. my body. my life. depression. i was trying like hell not to be hard on myself, but my brain had other ideas. every time i looked in a mirror i would hear these evil little voices in my head. every time i looked at pictures from vegas i couldn't help but compare. i would tell myself: you know, they SAY you got looks in vegas, but it was only people wondering what the hell the three hot chicks were doing with the beached whale. or: sure they guys at clubs said four hot women- but it's only because they're smart enough to know that if they want to hit on ONE they have to compliment all FOUR. guys are at least smart enough to know that. i kept remembering that i used to say in high school: if my belly ever stick out further than my boobs, just shoot me. well, guess what captain ahab: pull out the harpoon...it's getting close.

BUT.

then i looked in the mirror this week and saw something different. and i heard a different voice.

this week when i've looked in the mirror i've seen a beautiful woman. a lady who has been working hard to take care of herself and take pride in herself. a woman who had leaned to dress for her body, apply her makeup tastefully, style her hair with pride but not vanity. i've seen a beautiful creature looking back at me and i heard a voice in my head: that's you little girl, and you're beautiful. and i can't explain it. it's not something i ever remember hearing my dad say to me, but i'm damn sure it's him saying it to me now: THAT'S YOU LITTLE GIRL, AND YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

i've changed over the last few weeks- well, except last week that is. i've morphed in a way. i've started to see someone else in the mirror. i mentioned it a few times to my gals in vegas- i see this beautiful creature looking back at me and it's shocking to realize THAT'S ME. i can't explain it. nothing big has changed- i darkened my hair a bit again which is not new. it's the same make up. it's the same hair style. but when i look i see a whole new person. and it's taking me a while to get used to her. she's confident. she's well put together in age appropriate and body appropriate clothes. she's beautiful. and it's me. 

i'm sure i sound like i'm a bit off my rocker right now. and i can't really explain it any better. but something has changed AND I LIKE IT.

i'm sure i'll still have off days. i'm sure this won't last forever. but for now- this is a really fucking good feeling. it's kinda nice to REALLY like me.

it's on- universe willing

so. there’s still a few details to work out (health insurance first and foremost), but the decision has been made: i’m taking a year off work.

so.

big changes. i talked to my boss about taking a leave of absence (not possible) or switching to part time (not practical for the department) so, that just leaves taking the leap. i’m scared as fuck, but i’m also 100% confident that this is the right thing for me to do right now. it’s my turn to figure out what i want to be when i grow up.

i’ve been running through this in my head since last week and i spent quite a bit of time thinking about it this weekend. even with all the risk involved- bad economy, bad job market, going crazy with boredom, medical insurance, EVERYTHING, even with all that, i know this is the right thing. the positives and the opportunities WAY outweigh all the other things.

one thing that it did make me question though is this: do you think people can change their opinion after they die? and i know that sounds strange: no. they’re dead. they no longer have an opinion. BUT, follow me here: if they could come back for a day and talk to you- do you think it would be the same now as then? what the fuck am i talking about? this: i hear two voices in my head: i hear my dad BEFORE the fire, and my dad AFTER the fire. i hear the before saying: why would you even consider leaving a stable job where you have 10 years seniority, insurance, retirement, comfort? you have kids! you have responsibility! invest now for your retirement and make plans then!

then i hear my dad AFTER the fire: i worked my whole life planning for retirement and a fuck load of good that did me. (ok, i never EVER heard my dad drop the f-bomb, but you get the idea). enjoy life NOW. make the change while you can. do what you need to do for you and the boys. be happy. i always wanted to provide for you and make you happy, this is my backwards way of doing that. go explore, take a chance, go back to school (he always wanted me to go back), try something new.

does any of that make sense? i don’t know if it’s possible, or if it’s me trying to make sense of things in my head and trying to give myself permission, but really do think his perspective on it NOW would be very different than before. and granted, i would have never thought of this before. i would have never had the financial cushion to be able to do this. i would have never had the reason to do something like this. but now, fuck, EVERYTHING is different. so why wouldn’t his opinion be as well?

i just keep coming back to one basic thought: tomorrow is never a for sure. procrastination is arrogance. procrastinating is laughing in the face of the universe saying you know better and you know that there WILL be a tomorrow to do things. i’ve learned that NOTHING is a for sure. tomorrow is not promised to us. assuming so is truly the best was to make an ASS of U.

and in the face of all the questions and concerns about getting a job when i decide to go back to the real world- this is going to sound unbelievably corny, especially coming from me, but if and when it’s meant to happen, IT WILL. when the right thing comes along, i will be ready for it and things will work out the way they’re supposed to. i HAVE to believe that. fuck- i have that tattooed on my skin. what’s the point of having the tattoo if i don’t really believe it? it made me laugh at myself thinking about it. do i really believe in my own tattoo? or did i just get it for looks? it’s easy to SAY i believe it, am i willing to put my future where my ideals are? here’s to finding out!

so. the trigger hasn’t officially been pulled yet. but it’s going to happen. i’ll give enough notice to find someone and do some training. AND i promised to do the taxes for the year- i won’t dump that off on a new person the way it was dumped on me. but it’s happening. the new year will start off a WHOLE NEW YEAR for me, karma willing. i know…speaking of arrogance…looking forward 7 weeks already after i just said that tomorrow is never for sure. but in fairness, i can’t just jump ship. so. here’s my request to the universe: please don’t change things too much in the next seven weeks. please allow me this opportunity because i would love to take it and make the most of it.

and then??

well, first the good news: made it to vegas and back! no marriages, no bail money, no close encounters of the strange kind. just a whole ton of good, not so clean fun! i would discuss more details, but there may or may not have been a blood sisters wolf pack pact somewhere along the lines…

suffice to say, TONS of pictures were taken, and no, you can’t see any of them. THAT’S how it went.

i will say one thing: hardest part about coming home? leaving the heated toilet seat behind. seriously people. a HEATED toilet seat. talk about peeing in comfort.

so, that was the hardest part about coming home. hardest part about arriving home? having to go from vegas to mom in 3.2 seconds. walked in my house and the kitchen was a MESS, living room was a tornado, and the kids bedroom floor no longer exists. even my bed was a mess, sheets all over the place. *sigh* straight from maid service back to being the maid. i suppose that’s a normal part of vacations, but since this was my first (yes, ever) i guess i was expecting a little bit of the magic to carry over at least a little bit.

now on to the big news:

i’m thinking about quitting my job. or going to part time. or taking a leave of absence if possible. just something different. don’t get me wrong- i have a good job. i like the people, the work is easy, there’s nothing BAD about it at all. i just feel like it’s time for a change, and for the first time i’m in a position where i can make that change and have a safety cushion behind me. i’ve been here for 10 years already and just feel stuck. pushing the same papers i was 10 years ago…and nothing different in the near future. it feels like i’m not using any of my skills, let alone using them to the best of my abilities. i need something that challenges me and makes me think and pushes me a bit. and you know…i’m only 30. that means i have 35 years until i qualify for retirement. so that’s PLENTY of time to start a different career.

the more i think about it, the more comfortable i am with this decision. it would mean time to try my hand at writing, time to be in the kids classrooms, time to work out, time to be a real mom and cook dinners and keep the house clean, time to do more glass work, just TIME in general. no more feeling like i get up just in time for work, sit at a desk all day, slap together dinner, shove the kids in bed just to do it all over again the next day. it would be nice to have real time with my kids instead of just 2-3 hours a night before bedtime. it would be nice to learn how to really cook meals instead of piecing together whatever i can find at the last minute. it would be nice to have time to go to a gym. just all of it. it would be nice to have a change. and i can do it right now. not forever, but for a year at least. see what it’s like. see how it goes. if anything, i’ve learned that a year is a fuck long time. so much can change and happen.

i’m not 100% sure on this one, but i’m pegging in at about 90% right now. it would be a HUGE change, but i’m ready for that. and why not do it? you know? why sit around thinking about it and wondering “what if?” why not just jump and see what happens?

so. yeah. that’s where i’m at right now. what do ya’ll think?

sexy vs. NOT sexy

you guys. there’s something that’s been bothering me for a while. and i need to say something:

it seems that fewer and fewer men know what’s sexy these days. this is a disturbing trend. and one i need to do my part to correct ASAP. especially before VEGAS. because i’m sure out there somewhere is a man who has never heard of me, and will never read this blog, that i will meet up with in a club there, and he will need to know this information. somehow. so. maybe just putting it out in the universe will solve that. it will magically find his way to him, and he will already know what’s sexy and what is not sexy.

so. here it is. in stark detail. things that are sexy and things that are NOT sexy. and. *sigh* as per usual. these things were all learned by experience. the things i’ve suffered. tragic really.

SEXY: kissing. with the full tongue action. and MAYBE a little lick of the lip or two.

NOT SEXY: holding my head and doing an extensive cavity search of my mouth with your tongue. there is NO reason for you to lick my gums. all the way around my mouth. especially while holding my head still so i can’t get away. i just threw up a little.

SEXY: kissing the tip of my nose. or eskimo kisses. or resting our foreheads together with our noses touching.

NOT SEXY: licking the inside of my nose. ‘nuff said. and i just threw up a little again.

with all this throwing up i’ll fit into my vegas dresses no problem.

SEXY: a “bedtime” snack like popcicles. or ice cream. or strawberries.

NOT SEXY: bbq corn nuts.

SEXY: Ralph Lauren Polo Black. panties: dropped. IN SMALL DOSES. as in A, SINGULAR, ONE spritz or two.

NOT SEXY: mixing your cologne with your body wash. and your shampoo. and using it as a deodorant. and a few extra sprays for good measure. if i can smell you before i see you it is NOT a good thing.

SEXY: dirty dancing.

NOT SEXY: making it look like we’re having sex on the dance floor. EVERYONE should be able to see both your hands. AT ALL TIMES.

SEXY: drunken sex.

NOT SEXY: drunken anal.

and on that TMI, i think that’s enough for now.

by the way…have i mentioned I’M GOING TO VEGAS?!?!?

open letter to single mothers:

**DISCLAIMER** yes, i am being extremely judgmental in this.  no, i do not know any of the details of any of the recent cases where children left in the care of the boyfriends were hurt/killed. BUT, i have seen this story over and over and the general details are almost always the same. this is not directed at any person in specific. the following is simply my feelings on the topic in general. hell, these are my feeling on many women (not only mothers) in general. am i on a high horse? yes. am i on a soap box? yes. do i feel i have the right to be there given what i've been through and the choices i've made? yes. so. with that:

open letter to single mothers:

i cannot comprehend the loss or injury of a child. it really is beyond anything i could ever imagine. the pain and heartbreak would truly be unbearable.

BUT.

what the fuck did you THINK would happen leaving your innocent, defenseless, completely vulnerable child alone with a man you could not have known for very long?

why the hell are you all so fucking needy? YES, it is hard being a single parent. is it any easier losing your child? why the fuck can’t you learn to be independent and not bounce from boyfriend to boyfriend letting ANYONE in your house and in the presence of your children just so you don’t have to feel lonely? why the hell are these men even home to take care of the children? why aren’t they out working to help support you instead of the other way around? WHY THE HELL ARE THEY EVEN AROUND? grow a pair, learn to change your own fucking light bulbs and open your own damn pickle jars and kick these worthless fucking assholes to the curb!

what authority do i have to speak?

i’ve been a single mom for TWELVE years. i know how hard it is. i worked my ass off to complete high school. graduate from college. get a job. keep a job. take care of my babies above everything else. i know what it’s like to get zero sleep. i know what it’s like to be in the emergency room at 3 am with a sick child knowing you have to go to work (or class) in the morning. i know what it’s like to be down to pennies and still have a week before another paycheck. i know what it’s like to be alone every. single. night. i know what it’s like to feel like you have no one to help you when you’re completely run out and exhausted and ready to give up.

BUT.

that doesn’t mean you sacrifice your child. that doesn’t mean you reach out and grab the first piece of trash floating by just to make yourself feel better for a moment.

your children can not speak for themselves. they cannot defend themselves. they cannot tell you when bad things happen. THAT IS YOUR JOB.

the INSTANT you became pregnant YOU stopped being the most important thing. that little tiny life entrusted to you became the most important thing. being a parent means sacrifice. it means not always getting what you want in order to make sure that little person has what they need. and they NEED safety and security and someone watching out for them. it means you party less, stop snorting everything you can get your drug addicted hands on, stop dragging home every sorry excuse for a boyfriend you dredge up at the local bar. TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN. you protect that little person with everything you have. do every damn thing in your power to make sure they’re taken care of and safe every moment possible. STOP thinking about you. START thinking about that little baby.

there are ways. there are people to help you learn how to take care of yourself. there are people to help you learn to take care of your babies. you can do this safely, on your own. it’s damn hard, but it can be done.

the sad thing is even a loss like this won’t get your attention. in another week or two you’ll be out attaching yourself to another sperm donor. you’ll be getting knocked up with another baby that you’ll leave alone with another guy.

am i saying you have to be alone forever? no. i would never wish that on someone. people need a partner, they need a helper. especially as a parent. BUT. you do not need to grab on to the first available thing just to avoid being alone. you do NOT need to ALWAYS be with someone. you do not need to be out looking for a replacement 5 minutes after the last one is gone (or 2 days before he’s going to be gone for that matter). take some time to learn who you are ALONE. learn to be independent. learn how to take care of yourself. learn how to support yourself. learn how to do all that, THEN find someone that can add to that, not BE all that. trust: you’ll be doing yourself AND your babies a favor.

please, pull your collective heads out of your asses and stop becoming the latest breaking news headline. please stop thinking about yourselves and start thinking about the little people completely dependent on you. please stop being trashy classless whores and start being mothers.

why i hate comcast:

so. i tried to log into my comcast account today (phone/tv/internet for those lucky few who don't know the company) to check my bill and was greeted with a: "please contact the primary user of this account to set up a pin/secret question" error message. umm...i AM the primary user. so i CALLED customer service. they reset the password and "fixed" the problem. signed in again, same error message. so i tried one of their nifty "chat" sessions...here's how that went:

(if you don't want to read the whole thing, here's a quick summary: FUCK YOU COMCAST. YOU FUCKING SUCK.)

LiveAssist Transcript

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chat id : 52c1bb4a-9e51-4b08-a7c5-99ca7d46b7e0

Problem : Need to set a pin and secret question to be able to view my account

sherry > Need to set a pin and secret question to be able to view my account

Armi > Hello sherry_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Armi. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Armi > How are you today Sherry?

sherry_ > i cannot view my bill

sherry_ > it is requiring a pin and secret question but will not allow me to set those

Armi > I understand you are not able to view your bill because it is asking for a pin.

sherry_ > yes

Armi > I thank you for taking time to contact us regarding this issue. There is a way that this can be resolved for you however your chat has been routed to my department that supports only Cable service.

Armi > What I will do now is to transfer this chat to our Internet service representatives as they can address this more efficiently. Is that okay with you Sherry?

sherry_ > ok

Armi > It has been my pleasure serving you today Sherry and I truly appreciate your understanding and cooperation at this point. Before I transfer your chat, do you have other concerns for me today? I will be glad to assist you further.

sherry_ > no. i just want into my account.

Armi > Thank you Sherry. Please stay online, transferring you now.

Armi > Have a great day!

Armi > Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst

Rommel > It is a pleasure to have you on chat! Your issue resolution is my top priority for today.

Rommel > I see that you have a problem on loggin in. Is that correct?

sherry_ > i logged in, but it will not let me view my bill until a pin and a secret question are set

Rommel > I apologize for the inconvenience. Rest assured I will do my best to address your concern today. I know how important it is to check your online account !

Rommel > I will be very happy to assist you in this matter Sherry, you have reached the right person !

Rommel > May I please have the full name and address of the account holder.

sherry_ > sherry at XXXXXXXXX (love you all, not posting my address)

Rommel > Thank you very much !

Rommel > Can I get the username you were logging in?

sherry_ > pissed.off.customer@comcast.net (oh, don't i wish that were actually it!)

Rommel > Thank you !

Rommel > Just to check, it was asking for a 4 digit pin, is that correct?

sherry_ > In accordance with FCC regulations, Comcast requires you to enter your Security PIN and create a Security Question and Answer before you proceed. This will only take a few moments. Thank you.

Rommel > Sherry, would it be okay to resert the password so we can update the pin information in your account?

sherry_ > ok

Rommel >

For verification, can I get the the last four digit of the SSN .

sherry_ > XXXX

Rommel > Thank you for the additional information you provided me.

Rommel > Please give me 1-2 minutes to process this. Thank you.

Rommel > While waiting, please allow me to take this opportunity to share with you one of the main features that you can get with Comcast which is our online site where you can watch full TV shows and movies online. Go to www.fancast.com and experience the best of TV online! With Fancast, the privilege of watching your favorite TV show episodes, movies, trailers and clips at no cost whatsoever is yours. So, go ahead and discover a whole bunch of entertainment just for you!

Rommel > Would it be okay to call you @ (509) 867-5309 to verify some information you shared with us earlier so we can proceed the the password reset and get the security pin ?

sherry_ > no. i'm not at home. i'm at work. why is this so difficult to do? isn't there a link i can click or a page i can go to?

sherry_ > and i was JUST ON a customer service phone call...that didn't work so i tried this. i REALLY do not want to go in another circle.

sherry_ > i just need my bill available.

Rommel > Sherry, the pin was part of your phone service that FCC mandated should be kept and verified when accessing phone service.

Rommel > In the account, the pin has not yet been updated.

sherry_ > why didn't they do that when i signed up for the phone service?

Rommel > To do thid we need to call you to verify information you shared earlier.

sherry_ > WHY DIDN'T THEY DO THAT WHEN I JUST CALLED IN?

Rommel > I apologize but the pin will be given once the phone will be successfully installed.

sherry_ > the phone has been successfully installed for a few weeks now

Rommel > I do apologize but the pin was not activated, since we also need you to call so we can give you the pin number when you call us.

Rommel > But before we do that, we have to call you on your comcast phone for verification.

sherry_ > are you kidding me?

sherry_ > this is fubar. the phone was installed weeks ago. i was JUST ON the phone with a customer service rep.

sherry_ > there is NO reason this should be so difficult

Rommel > Sherry, this is not difficult as long as we can verify you. Another option I can offer is send you the pin by mail since you have verified information on this chat.

Rommel > Then you can use that security pin to log in.

sherry_ > mail will take days. by the time i get home and call in the wait time is forever. I VERIFIED MY INFORMATION ALREADY today. TWICE. this is not acceptable customer service.

Rommel > Sherry, as much I wanted to help you set up the password and pin, there is a procedure that we need to follow.

sherry_ > one that has obviously been screwed up a few times already.

Rommel > Sherry, is there somebody in your home to answer the phone right now ?

sherry_ > no.

sherry_ > i am at work. as i already stated.

Rommel > What I can suggest is give us a chat or call later to verify, then we have the pin updated. We are open 24/7 .

Rommel > Will this be okay with you ?

sherry_ > no that is not okay with me. i don't want to waste MORE of my time chasing my tail in circles on something that should be simple. there is no reason for me to waste my evening on something like this when i have already verified my information TWICE today, and when the initial mistake was on YOUR part not doing this when the phone was installed.

sherry_ > i am the ONLY person listed on the account. and i have have already verified my information twice. i need access to my account immediatly.

Rommel > I do apologize but we would need to verify you on your comcast phone to get the security pin. This is an FCC mandate which comcast strictly adheres to. Not doing this , will have consequences for the provider.

sherry_ > strictly adheres to? then why wasn't it done WEEKS ago? i really don't give a rats ass about your consequences. i need into my account NOW. your screw up should not be my problem.

Rommel > Sherry, I am really sorry but we are unable to get you the security pin without the call to your home. What I can do is note down this issue and have somebody calls you when you arrive home to verify. Just give us the time to call, and we will be happy to do that.

Rommel > No need for you to chat back.

sherry_ > whatever. fine. call around 7.

Rommel > Thank you very much. Again my apologies.

Rommel > Will there be anything else I can help you with for today? I will be happy to extend my time to help you on this matter.

sherry_ > well, i can't get into my account to see if there's anything i need help with...so...

sherry_ > i needed to see if the previous credits to my account went through to see if the balance owing is correct...but since i can't get into my own damn account, i guess i get to wait til later to do that too.

Rommel > Thank you for choosing Comcast as your provider. Comcast appreciates your business and values you as a customer. Our goal is to provide you with excellent service. If you need further assistance, you can chat with one of our Customer Support Specialists 24 hour a day, 7 days a week at http://www.comcastsupport.com/videochat . Have a good day !

HAVE A GOOD DAY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? FUCK YOU COMCAST.

what's thursday without a little crazy?

i . am. annoyed.

no, that’s not quite right. i’m flat out fucking pissed off.

this whole breaking up thing…i thought once you did it you were DONE with it. turns out: not so much.

jaysus fucking chryst on toast. i mean REALLY? do i have to keep arguing and battling even after i pulled the plug?

saturday was the break up talk. sunday he decided he needed to stop by my house (DRUNK) to drop off the portable dvd cord that he had for some unknown reason (i can’t break up with him becky, like, all my cd’s are in his truck…dane cook anyone?).

so. sunday. thought he got the point. DONE. over. out. moving on.

last night i got a text asking how the kids and i were and if he could stop by because he found a receipt and he didn’t know what it was for.

-sigh-

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? a receipt? and you can’t read it? are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?

whatever. i found a few more of his things in my room that needed returned anyway, so might as well get it over with.

so. after 8 (when little spawn goes to bed) he texts me to TELL me he’s on his way over. not to ask, not to see if it’s ok. to TELL me he’s on his way. FUCKING FUCK. THIS IS MY FUCKING HOUSE, MY RULES. YOU FUCKING CHECK FIRST.

so he comes over. and i let him into the kitchen and hand him his stuff. and he’s all…you didn’t hug me. and i’m all…didn’t know i was supposed to.

oh…can we talk for a minute? you know…as friends?

-sigh-

where’s my inner bitch when i need her?

FINE. a few minutes.

and then i hear about all the big changes he’s making in his life and how much has changed and how much he’s improved and pulled things together. he has an offer for more work hours, he’s working out, bought a bike and rides every day, bought a dog…on and on. ummm…it’s been THREE FUCKING DAYS since i last saw him. and he was smashing drunk then. so…you know…when did all these fucking amazing changes happen exactly? and this is supposed to make me come rushing back to him? let’s see…where does that one fall…i think that falls into the FUCK NO category.

and he wants to hear about what i’m doing and what changes i’m making and where i’m going in life. umm…again…THREE FUCKING DAYS. work and kids. and grocery shopping. that’s all that’s happened. so. quit fucking pushing me and expecting all the same shit that i ended things over. i’m not going to fucking magically heal over night. i’m not going to suddenly just be better. there’s no fucking magic switch to flip and have life be right again. and i’m just pissed off and tired of the bullshit and the expectations and crap. then he wants to talk in private in the kitchen (oldest spawn was still up and in the living room).

umm…what big private thing do we need to talk about? insert here the whole drama of how we’re not really broken up. all couples have arguments and just need a little cooling off time.

THIS ISN’T FUCKING COOLING OFF TIME. it’s over. done. STICK A GOD DAMN FORK IN IT. but i just need to keep him around, in a back corner, just a little space, he can stay at his house and we’ll just text. he’ll just stay quiet. he’ll just…

WHAT DON’T YOU FUCKING GET? no. i will not keep you in a back corner or in a little space. this isn’t some fucking waiting game. this isn’t some little bump. THIS IS ME BEING DONE. you know that whole thing when i called it quits about you not listening to me? THIS IS WHAT I MEANT. i’m fucking DONE. i’m tired of arguing, discussing, having to defend my every decision.

and around and around it went. i finally just told him to leave. which turned into a 5 minute process of him saying goodbye and reminding me he’ll still be there and he still loves me and JUST FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY. and he finally gets out the door, i take a deep breath, and *knock knock* oh…by the way, here’s the receipt….it’s for the fucking lamp that YOU BOUGHT. it says right on it. LAMP. from the store he bought it at. are you fucking kidding me? this was the whole point of coming over? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. so he leaves. deep breath *knock knock* just wanted to tell me he loves me. GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. at which point i closed and locked the door in his face.

WHAT PART OF _OVER_ IS SO FUCKING HARD TO UNDERSTAND.

then the texts start:

“do u know u gave me a hope to keep going in my life because my life is u? i love you.”

“and i will waiting u until last day in my live.”

“and i bromise u i will naver cheating u until u come back to me. and i will naver looking to any gairil. i love you.”

and still today:

“do u think today its butafull…i think every day it will be like that when u smail. i love you”

(spellings left the way they came in because i’m a cold hearted bitch)

and i know…awwww…he loves me and he’s willing to wait for me and he’s so dedicated. NO. he fucking refuses to listen to what i want/need and thinks he knows better. IT’S FUCKING OVER. i’m done. i’m out. i’m not going back. i can’t keep doing the arguing and the defending every single thing i feel and say. i can’t keep feeling bad for FEELING. i can’t keep sitting under the pressure and expectation to just be better. i can’t keep doing this whole circle. i want to rip my fucking hair out thinking about it. instant migraine thinking of the around and around arguments. sheer stress thinking of the pressure to be better for someone else and feeling bad for falling apart different days and for taking my own sweet damn time to go through this whole process. just even typing about it is lighting me up…just want to punch a raccoon (they already have black eyes, you’ll never be able to tell).

JUST FUCKING LISTEN TO ME:

OVER. no more. done. don’t stop by with some lame excuse. don’t call. don’t text. don’t keep trying to pressure or guilt me into something i don’t want and isn’t healthy for me. BACK. THE. FUCK. OFF. i feel like i’m being backed into a fucking corner and it isn’t going to be pretty when i have to fight my way out.

so. that’s the vent for today. back to your regularly scheduled thursday now…

so THAT'S why they call it carma...

what did i do this weekend? (now that it’s wednesday…)

well. since you asked…

come on down bob barker…IT’S A NEW CAR!!

that’s right. I BOUGHT A CAR. *heart attack*

and bought as in BOUGHT, no payments, no mess, just all mine. *sigh* oh happy new car, how i love you.

let me introduce you: this is bonni-

and that’s bonni with an _I_ not an _IE_. these things are important. and bonni speaks with a british accent and say s things like cheerio and top notch. yes, my cars, talk, they have names, and they have personalities. my last little girl was annie- of course she was…what else do you name a red head?

so. NEW CAR.

and i have a feeling this may change SEVERAL THINGS.

let me explain: i don’t have very good luck. not luck as in “hey look, i found a $10 bill on the side of the road” but luck as in life in general going smoothly and drama free and low stress. my life is pretty much the exact opposite of all that.

i believe in karma. i believe in a balance in the world. i try to do good things. i try to keep my positive side above my negative side. i try to help others whenever i can (except panhandlers…you’re not getting any change from me!), i try to do the right thing, i try to always be honest and forthright and all that. but it seems that no matter what i do, my karma never really pulls through for me.

or so i thought.

i haven’t owned many cars. my first car was a p.o.s. 1988 GOLD (mr t would have stepped back and said WHOA) chevy beretta. it didn’t work more than it DID work- something about the starter chip and they didn’t know how to fix it and whatever. not a fan of that car. had to change out when the kiddo came along, bought a 1992 saturn sl2, drove that and LOVED it until the ex husband decided it was time to trade it in on the biggest piece of shit i’ve ever owned, some kind of isuzu rodeo that had stripped 4x hubs, a radio that had been stolen and patched back in, a starter that didn’t work, and a rear tire that had to be held shut with a bungee cord. oh my god. i HATED that car. thanks, hubby, for making sure i had a nice reliable car. fucking asshole. in the divorce, the judge gave me his truck that i had just paid to put a new engine into- a 1996 dodge ram extra cab long bed…HATED that truck too. it was a monster. impossible to get a 5 year old and a brand new baby in and out of the flip forward seats, impossible to drive, even more impossible to park. BUT, i’m realizing that’s where my good CARma started.

i took that truck after the divorce and needed to trade it in on something practical. so my dad had his buddy pick out a car for me from his lot, i drove my truck to grandview (yakima valley), and traded the beast in on my little annie. now. if you’ve ever driven to the yakima type area, you know that it’s long stretches of highway with NOTHING and the trip in total is about 3 hours depending on how you roll. i took the truck by myself, drove down, managed 80 most of the way, stopped for food/gas once, and pulled into the lot in grandview. the truck drove great, new engine was working smoothly, not a hitch along the way, never a whisper of trouble at all with that truck. it was reliable, i’ll give it that.

i pulled into the parking lot of the car dealership, parked the truck, and took my new (to me) little ford focus. easy peasy. all picked out and decided for me. well, bud (the dealer) walked over to have a look at my truck. here’s how it went:

bud: what’s that? (pointing to my tailgate)

me: um…road grime? i didn’t have a chance to wash it before getting here.

bud: that’s not road grime, that’s oil.

me: where would oil be coming from like that?

bud: your rear axle…did you have any problems?

me: not one. drove fine- did 80 down here and not even a hint of a problem.

bud: hmmm….

turns out, in the rear axle of those trucks there are 12 ball bearing in the whatever dealie thing that makes the read end work- differential maybe? not a car girl. anyway…out of those 12 ball bearings, 8 were ground to powder, 2 were shattered, and only 2 were left in good condition. they had to tow the truck across the street to the repair shop because they couldn’t even move it off the lot. umm…HOW DID I DRIVE IT THREE HOURS? how did i stop for gas and food and manage to keep going? how had i been driving it for weeks before that? WHAT THE HELL?

score one for good CARma.

so. i had my little 2002 ford focus to replace it. things were good for a while. that little car did a LOT for me. drove her for 6 years. the last 2 years she’s been getting tired. my dad was set that i needed a new one. every time i talked to him he told me i needed a new car. every trip to his house he would clean her, check her over, and remind me that i needed a new one. he and my brother were going to help me pick one out for my 30th…much like vegas with dad, that never did and never will happen. but i knew it was time for a new car, with or without dad. i’ve been shopping for a long time. i’ve been doing research, looking at what i like, tracking consumer reports, prices, used cars, everything. i knew eventually my little girl would need replaced. the last two years she’s been making some pretty strange noises- every time i would hit a bump or a pothole in the road she would chatter pretty good. i’ve had les schwab check her out the last three times they changed the tires- everything looked good to them. i had a mechanic friend drive her and check her out- i was just making up the noises and the problems. but i knew she was getting tired, i knew she was running rough. i knew the transmission fluid needed changed, the air filter sensor was throwing an engine error light, the rear struts needed changed, there’s a few dents and dings on her (not too bad), she was getting tired.

so. it was time. i shopped, test drove, haggled, had a nervous break down, and finally bought a new car. thank you dad- you helped me get a new car, just in a very different way. i was able to take part of his estate and just pay cash for a new car. no worries about payments. no worries about anything mechanical for 8 years (or 100,000 miles), brand new, all the bells and whistles maintenance/road side assistance/safety wise (EIGHT airbags up in there people. EIGHT!). a GOOD, reliable, safe new car that isn’t making any strange noises.

there was some talk for a short while about the then boyfriend taking my little red car to drive. but we all know how that worked out. so NOW what do i do with a second car? i asked a mechanic friend if he wanted her, free and clear, to fix up and sell. whatever he makes can go in his pocket. i know she needs work and he’ll have to pay out that way. i wouldn’t have gotten much trade in wise- so this just worked well.

so. he took annie on sunday. and drove her. and complained about how rough she was running and all the strange noises she was making. YOU THINK? shit…i’ve been saying that for years and he told me i was crazy!

come to find out, he took some time to look over her yesterday- there’s a ball joint type thing in the front of the car that’s (from my understanding) the car version of a truck’s u-joint (i know what THAT sounds like when it goes out). the ball joint is almost completely separated. NOT GOOD. so. basically, like with the truck, he has no idea how i’ve been driving her around this long. he said it was BAD up in there.

so. turns out my CARma was working. it was keeping my car running…as much as possible. TWICE my carma has pulled through that way.

so. here’s my theory: now that i have a good, reliable, brand new car, my karma can return to normal things and maybe life will level out in other areas for a while. it can change back from CARma to karma and maybe other good things will start to happen.

here’s hoping…