get the fuck out already 2009

holy fuck. i can’t even begin to believe that it’s the end of 2009 already. i’ve lost track of the last few months…i knew the year end was coming, but HOLY FUCK…it’s here. the only thing i can say to 2009 as it slinks out the door is FUCK YOU 2009. YOU SUCKED. and i know it wasn’t just for me…this year sucked for everyone all the way around as far as i can tell. the year started off like shit and went downhill from there. BUT. i will say, there have been good points, there have been GREAT points to the year, it wasn’t a TOTAL loss, and i do realize that as shitty as this year was, i have as much to kiss the ass of karma for as i have to bitch about. when all the chips are down i have a great stable job with a boss i love, my bills are for the first time in a long time under control and i don’t have the dark cloud of credit cards looming over me (hell, i don’t even have credit cards at all), i have a great house that keeps us warm and happy, the kids are healthy, the car runs, there’s food in the cupboards, i’ve had the chance to learn more about myself, i’ve had the chance to help others, i’ve loved and lost, i’ve grown, i’ve learned. and push comes to shove I’M STILL HERE TO SHOVE BACK. that, in and of itself, is more of a victory than can really be expressed. can’t be all bad when you look at it that way. but make no mistake, this year SUCKED in a hard core way. here’s a brief year end review from out house:

january found us buried under a fucking TON of snow. my dad came up to help us shovel out and clear of the roof (since that landlord could have given a fuck less) and ended up wrecking out his elbow for a while. thanks for nothing mother nature.
feburary started out with a bang- my fuckhead landlord called and told me he was selling the house and i needed to get out as soon as possible. the REAL story turned out to be he wasn’t so much selling as trying to avoid foreclosure. turns out my rent hadn’t been paying the mortgage in a LONG time. nice. well done asshole. so started the first move of the year. we found a cute house and packed up and moved. good news was that it helped me clean house and get rid of things that were just sitting around taking up space. cleaned out the boys clothes/toys, miscellaneous closets, pared down furniture that was collecting dust/stacks of things. so not all bad. later in february started the family scares: got a call that my mum was in the hospital in colville. i decided that in the end i would rather know that i checked in on her rather than wishing i had checked in. so i drove to colville and saw her for the first time in a long time. thank heavens we avoided anything too serious with that one. as much as my mum and i don’t get along, i’m glad she’s still around and healthy (now).
march saw my youngest spawn turning SIX already. six. DAMN. wasn’t he just learning to walk? his kindergarten year was a challenge. march i was in and out of the principal’s office trying to get him extra help since his teacher didn’t care one way or the other. good times. we did a family hockey game with my dad and my older brother (and families) for the birthday celebration- it was good to have everyone here for an evening. big dinner at the spaghetti factory, hockey game, much love all around. we don’t do that nearly enough.
april was the first big hit by the shit train. found out a friend died from a heart attack at the age of 36. no warning. just GONE. we had talked a week before about getting together for lunch. i learned that you need to stop TALKING to people about getting together and GET TOGETHER ALREADY. do it. don’t plan any more. just call someone up and GO. tell them you love them every chance you get. josh was a creative, crazy, amazing person that i miss. he’s the only guy to ever cook me dinner. the first screen play i’ve read from a real person. he had amazing stories about traveling everywhere and doing the things he loved in life. he loved his friends, he adored his family, he was an amazing person.
may and june don’t really stand out- i think that was the only reprieve the year gave us. i know we spent MUCH time with friends at the coffee social. so many great nights of games, music, talking, just being there. for a short while that was a haven where we could just go and be and fit in. so many great memories of early summer nights there. the rest of the time i know we were doing things- kindergarten graduation, fixing up the lawn/garden of the house we were renting, a HUGE bbq with friends (really? 12 ears of corn for 3 adults and 2 kids?!?) in june right before school let out my youngest spawn had his tonsils removed. my dad was able to come stay with us for a few days when that went down which was fun. i also just remembered that was about the time we found out my dad had developed type 2 diabetes- he was shocked that i already knew what things he could and couldn’t eat, was checking in on him about his sugar levels and such…had that scare/threat myself a few years ago…not my first time at that rodeo. around the end of june it started to sink in that half my child support was not coming in, so i started looking at budget options and started to mutter about maybe moving again, but nothing for sure at that point. take a deep breath. i should have. june passed mostly quietly into july and that’s when the shit really began to hit the fan.
july was one great big mess from beginning to end. i know we (the kids and i) managed a few baseball games and fun nights, we celebrated my oldest sons birthday at the ball park, enjoyed the 4th of july with my dad in zillah shooting off literally a truck load of fireworks (not even kidding…the back of a ford f250 FULL of fireworks…nice being near a reservation!). i decided near the beginning of july that moving again was really the only way to go financially- it was either move again and have a little breathing room, or stay where we were at and be TIGHT all the time. neither option was really great, but i’d rather move one more time and have things be ok than be over my head again. so the moving process started. again. the search, finding a place, getting a plan together, packing…then the second big shit train hit. july 27th i picked up the phone and found out my sons step mother and infant brother had BOTH died during child birth. yes, you read that right (and you may have read other blogs about that too). they BOTH died during child birth- actually going into child birth. FUCK YOU 2009. WHY? i don’t get it. i didn’t get it then, i still can’t wrap my head around it now. the world i think literally stopped for a few days at our house, and we were on the fringes of the shock wave. every day shifted from standard bullshit to whatever could be done to keep things together, support my son (and his dad), a double funeral, the world basically being turned over and having the fuck shaken out of it like a snow globe that you thought was safe up on the top shelf being knocked off and shattering all over the fucking place. how the fuck do you deal with something like that as a person? as a parent? as a friend? as ANYTHING? things like that aren’t supposed to happen. ~sigh~ but they do. we somehow made it through that shock wave with a dose of moving thrown in the middle just for fucks sake. settled into the new house (which we LOVE more than anything). the world was just starting to right itself again, i had let the universe know what i thought of the shit move it had pulled more than once, things were calming down just a little and another call came in. my little brother had been in an accident. welcome to the beginning of august.
august 7th i got a call first thing in the morning that my little brother was in ICU at a hospital in seattle in a coma. he had been in an accident on his bike (pedal bike) and had fractured his skull requiring 4 hours of neuro surgery to relieve the bleeding on his brain. he was “ok” other than that. so aside from having his head cut open he was just fine. GREAT. as the world goes, at the same time my car decided to hate me and threatened to quit running so i was not able to make it over to see him. REALLY UNIVERSE? something as simple as a road trip? the days after that became a waiting game for phone call updates on how he was doing, when he would be allowed out of the hospital, how he was recovering. he did make a good recovery, had to relearn a few things, but did really well for how bad it was (literally minutes from not making it). the summer calmed down after that- it ended beautifully with bbqs a few times a week at the new house, new friends, new people in my life that were wonderful. so many great nights. “pool” parties, great conversations, many good drinks, just a lot of great nights to smooth things over for a while. the kids and i geared up for back to school- a big change this year with my oldest one heading off to a new school for advanced kids, the youngest starting 1st grade.
september was a great month. i had the best birthday i’ve ever had. EVER. dinner with my dad, a night out with friends, it was really great. especially since it was a wednesday…but when you turn 29 on 9.9.09 you HAVE to do it up big! my little brother called me for the first time ever (such a sad thing to admit) on my birthday and i talked to him for the first time since his accident. he was happy and healthy and excited about life, planning a trip over to see us and see our house for the first time. september was overall a good month. nothing too exciting. which was GOOD. very good.
october started out nice and mellow, kids excited about halloween. we went started going to a support group as a family to help my oldest son learn how to deal with the huge loss he went through earlier that summer. i was able to go out a few nights with friends here and there, something i haven’t done in years (at least not as often as i was able to for a while). things were great. suck a nice change from the middle of the year chaos. october 24th i woke up to my phone ringing at 8 in the morning which is NEVER a good thing. my older brother was calling to let me know that the night before my little brother (the one that had just been in the accident) had decided to end his own life. if you’ve read any of the other blogs you knew what was coming. like the shitty build up to the shitty climax that no one wants to read. let alone twice. so that day i got in my car and drove down to see my dad. we ended up going over to seattle to clean out my brother’s apartment that weekend also. it was the first time i had ever seen where he lived. after he died. i finally made it over to see where he lived, only after he died. ugh. i’ve covered all that in other blogs. i won’t get into it again here. the next weekend was his funeral (happy halloween everyone). and so ended october.
although november was just last month, i honestly can’t remember any of it. i know we went to see my dad for thanksgiving…which would have just been a few weeks ago. i know we did the therapy with a whole new added set of bullshit to work through. the rest of it is a blur. and here we are at christmas and new year. i cant remember much of december either. the rest of this year has just been a blur or trying to keep it together, drama off and on with the kids, drama off and on in my life. i let myself get all attached to someone and then remembered why that’s never a good thing: insert plenty of drama here. basically, the year went from shitty to FUCKED UP in the matter of a few months with a few breaks in the middle, but not much to salvage the reputation as the worst fucking year ever. as much shit as happened to me, i know i made it off easy. friends, family, everyone has had shit dumping down in a never ending reign of terror. deaths, lost jobs, injuries, bills, heart break. no one has survived the year unscathed in one way or another.
i won’t go into the pollyanna parade of crap again, but i DO realize how damn lucky i am in the middle of all this. but, overall, 2009 can piss off and get the fuck out already. here’s hoping 2010 will be a better year FOR EVERYONE.

i’m finishing this, i promise: i really want to say (through the tears…yes, i’m crying) i sincerely hope, with everything that is in me, that everyone has a great new years. i hope everyone gets to start the year off right tonight with someone they love. i hope you all let the people in your lives know how much you care about them. i really hope that this year looks up for everyone and that we can all have an easier go at it. to all of you in my life that have made it through this last year with me: thank you for being there and for still being there (seriously, im going to flood my stupid keyboard). each of you is in my life for a special reason, and i hope i’m giving the same back to all of you. may this new year truly be a happy one for all of us.

trying to explain depression

so i battle depression. and by battle i mean full on gladiator style battle some days. a dohyo face off with the world’s biggest sumo wrestler. most people kinda get it- they’ve had bad days or been sad about something. some have no clue and like to mock depression as stupid/weak/imaginary. until recently i’ve never really thought of a way to fully explain it. explain what it feels, like, how real it is, anything in a way that makes sense. i think this explains it. for me anyway:
remember when you were a kid and your big brother thought it would be funny to hold you under a huge thick blanket and keep you there as long as he could? yeah…it’s like that. like being trapped under grandma’s giant afghan (and yes, i very specifically picked an afghan) until you screamed uncle. and even then most times my brother still wouldn’t let me up. it’s like that. an afghan: it’s huge and heavy and dark but there are always little places where light pokes through and sometimes you can find an edge to pull back. depression is like that. you’re trapped under this huge, heavy, dark blanket fighting like hell to find an edge or a way to get out but in the mean time every once in a while you can see little spots of light that give you a little hope and let you know that at least you’re not stuck under the blanket AND locked in the trunk of the car AND on the way to be encased in cement (if my brother could have thought of it…he would have).
and i get that depression is so different for everyone. the things they’re dealing with are different. the way they experience it and how much it impacts them is different. but for me, people can’t understand my depression. yes, i’m depressed, i’m stuck under this huge fucking blanket being smothered and fighting like hell to try to get out, but during the fight there’s these spots of light. those are moments of happiness, breaks in the clouds.

just because i’m depressed doesn’t mean i don’t have good moments and just because i have good moments doesn’t mean i’m not depressed.

even in the worst of it i will still try to crack a joke or enjoy a moment or sing along with a song. i still try to put on my happy face (which i suck at by the way). i’m sure everyone knows something is off. i know i’m not fooling anyone, i know i’m not good at hiding shit, and part of me thinks i shouldn’t have to, but at the same time they don’t know how deep it is. but there’s these holes in the afghan…i’m peeking out through those, reminding myself what’s on the outside and what i’m fighting to get back to. little glimpses of light and life. if i do have a few good moments, it doesn’t mean i’m “cured” it just means i had a moment where i saw a little light. i’m still stuck. i’m still trapped under that huge fucking weight with the universe sitting on my chest laughing and not letting me up. but then there’s times when you actually feel like you’re winning the battle…you manage to find an edge and peek out and get a breath and feel like yourself again, but then big brother notices and ducks you back under the blanket for another round and usually packs an extra punch just because. those are the most frustrating. you think you’re clear, you think you’re out…then just as suddenly, you’re not. i don’t know if it ever goes away. when i was a kid my brother would get bored or get in trouble and have to let me out…i’m not sure real depression plays by those rules. in fact, i’m pretty damn sure it doesn’t play by any rules.

and i’ve had doctors and people tell me that there are medications to help. and i’ve tried a few. and i will never try any again. they make the crazy worse (again, just me speaking). they say right on the package it will take MONTHS, yes MONTHS to adjust to them and know if they’re working and then MONTHS to wean yourself off of them if you ever want to stop. umm…no thanks. i still have to function in the mean time. i don’t exactly have a few months away from kids and life to try to adjust to some medication that may or may not work. they also say exercise is the answer- is there anything exercise ISN’T the answer to? fucking retards. i’m sure it works at some point. it gives you something to focus on and i’m sure it helps you feel better physically eventually (although everyone that i know that works out complains about always being sore…sooo…). and i’m sure whatever else goes with it is magical shit on a cloud, but i just can’t get into it. never have. i’m one of those people that has spent THOUSANDS on exercise equipment and videos and trying to get into it- i’ve had the gazelle, the elliptical, the videos, the exercise balls, the yoga mats…i just can’t get into it.

what’s the point of this? what am i really trying to say? i don’t know. i just want to say it’s real. and i’m fighting it. but i get tired. and i get worse. and i get better. it goes around and around. but it’s real. it’s very real. please don’t tell me on the days when i want to give up that i’m just being weak and stupid. please understand that i’ve been battling this for as long as i can remember and i get tired. i get exhausted. please don’t laugh at me or think it’s all fake just because i have a good moment or a good day or a good week. some days i’m stronger than others. some days a kindergartner hopped up on pixie sticks could kick my ass. it’s just been so frustrating listening to people say that my brother was weak and cowardly and gave up or couldn’t deal when he took his own life. i don’t see it that way. i think because i’ve fought the battles he fought. i’m still fucking fighting them. and if anything, his death has scared the fucking shit out of me because if he lost the fight…who’s to say i won’t? and i know it’s a personal choice and it’s a personal decision to continue on or not. but i understand why he chose not. i understand how tired and hurt and broken he felt. and more than once i’ve wanted to make the same choice. and more than once i’ve felt that it was too much and wanted a way out.
i guess i just want people to understand it better. understand me better. that’s all.