well, since the kids are probably doing one of these right now, suppose i’d better do one too. especially since i’ve been terrible about keeping up on blogs lately...and there’s been A LOT to keep up on.
so. what did i do this summer?
well, If you’ve been following along on facebook or twitter, you’ll know that the past few months have been rough. well...rough is putting it kindly. while i haven’t suffered any direct blows, the gusts from passing hurricanes have been enough to knock me well off course and leave me questioning many things.
back in may 1/2our child support disappeared which didn’t seem too bad at first...but then i started looking at the numbers and back to school, babysitting, winter bills...it made sense to move instead of staying where we were. it was either stay and be to the penny or move and have a little wiggle room. i decided being stressed out all the time didn’t sound so fun. what’s that you say? didn’t we JUST move? why yes, yes we did. in fact a few odds and end boxes were still packed. SO...june was filled with trying to figure out what to do, where to go, downsizing, deciding what to keep and what we could part with. it’s gotten easier over the years thankfully. one good thing about moving so often (tally is officially 11 times in 11 years now) is that you learn not to be a pack rat: you learn not to be attached to anything...which is good and bad. i laugh at people that say they’ve been hanging on to clothes for 10 years hoping they’ll fit into them...oh hell no! that would mean i’ve moved clothes i haven’t worn in years multiple times! screw that! needless to say, value village received a hefty donation from us. AGAIN. there were also many adds placed on craigslist to help pare down AGAIN.
so...july comes around, we have oldest spawn’s birthday (can you believe i have an 11 year old?? UGH.). we find a place to move into, and, we have a week off from babysitting. what do you do when there’s a week of no babysitter but no time off work? you find a back up. i decided to let my mum have the boys for a week which was NOT an easy decision for me. at all. and i’m still kicking myself for it. BUT...having both boys out of the house made it MUCH easier for me to pack and get things ready for the move. so...boys left for the week, i started packing, then the biggest blow of the summer hit. on july 27th i had a phone call from oldest spawns dad that: brace yourselves: his wife and infant son had died. i’m sorry...WHAT?! that doesn’t happen anymore! but i guess it does. she was 27, full term pregnancy, just...gone. both of them. for some reason she stopped breathing and by the time they were able to get baby out he had been without oxygen too long so he lost both of them. WHAT? no. they were a young, happy, healthy couple. this doesn’t happen to people. this is FUCKED UP. no. this is not what happens. she pops out baby, they have a happy little cul-de-sac life and go about their business...spawn becomes a big brother again...it all goes on as planned. THIS IS NOT THE PLAN. which, if i’m thinking that on the far edges of this, i can’t imagine what was happening at the epicenter. so. i have to get a hold of my mum, let her know what’s going on, let her know that son will be getting picked up so his dad can tell him the news. WOW. that was on a monday, so the rest of the week was spend juggling work, packing, moving, large spawn going to/from dad’s house, viewing, funeral, trying to maintain some kind of normalcy. that was a helluva week. a long week. in the middle of it, my cute neighbors from the last house call and let me know they’ve had their baby...nice and healthy, things are going great...so hard to hear in the middle of everything else. so. we’re moving. both landlords (new and old) are being difficult, there’s a funeral- it’s crazy. the two days i did the actually moving were BOTH record breaking days on the heat scale which SUCKED. i’ve always moved in the winter time which i have to say i would do a million times over before moving in the summer time again. SUCK. things are crazy, we’re between two houses, trying to get everything done...and of course that’s not enough to balance. my dad came to town for my company picnic which was the saturday i was moving. hoped to be done in time so we could all go, but that wasn’t working out, so i was hoping he’d be able to take youngest spawn while oldest spawn was at the funeral and i was finishing up moving. turns out my mum decided to take my youngest son to the funeral WITHOUT ASKING for no reason AND let him do a viewing of the casket containing not only the oldest spawns step mother but also the infant baby. now i’ve never personally done a viewing, but i know they’re hard when it’s an adult. they’re crazy hard when there’s a child or a baby. most adults can’t handle it. and here she is taking my six year old through the line to see. WHAT THE FUCK? and i’m sitting at home trying to call her because she was supposed to be dropping off small son for the company picnic and for FOUR HOURS i couldn’t reach her. which when you combine her and my small spawn and being out of reach, previous circumstances, moving stress...you can only guess how crazy that made me. add in the insane heat and zero sleep and exhaustion from moving heavy things (really, i need foam furniture). i was losing my mind by the end of the day. it was NOT good. i was a freaking mess. those of you whom have been unfortunate enough to see e go crazy...multiply that by about 5. thankfully the small child came home, the moving was finished, it was time for a breather...right? yeah, not so much. the next week was spent unpacking, cleaning the new place (seems they forgot to get that done before i moved in), trying to patch things together for oldest son before he left on a road trip with his dad (they decided they both needed time together to help each other get over the atom bomb that had been dropped on them). it wasgoing rough, but not horrible compared to the previous week. but, it was to the point where i actually laughed on wednesday night and said: “it can’t get much worse. what the hell can thursday throw at me that hasn’t already hit?” i was joking. i was being factious. apparently thursday did not get the message. first thing thursday morning (8/6) i get a phone call that my younger brother had an accident earlier in the week and is in a medically induced coma in seattle. turns out he had an accident on his bike(pedal bike), the chain broke, he went ass over teakettle and fractured his skull requiring 4 hours of neurosurgery to relieve the bleeding putting pressure on his brain. he’s fine now (well, recovering anyway...not just “fine” after something like that..but survived in once piece). but holy shit! at this point i lost my temper with the universe a little bit and not so politely asked it to “back the fuck off and give me a little breathing room” (don’t believe me? check my twitter around that time...i actually ended up cursing out the universe a few times that week). happy to report, the universe has been very compliant and has backed off. things are going well now...cross your fingers and hope i didn’t jinx myself again!!
BUT...little brother is in the hospital, my car decided to pick this time for the pcv pipe to fail which, if you don’t know, that part controls the vacuum on your car. it turns out that’s slightly important- the vacuum helps the engine run, helps the brakes run, basically makes your car go and stop. without a pcv pipe it’s pretty damn hard to do either. so i can’t exactly jet over to seattle to see my brother...i’m just waiting for phone call updates and news...just a bit stressful. good news is it all turned out okay. car has since been fixed, little brother has since been released from the hospital, universe, as i stated has in fact backed off a bit (okay, a LOT...thank you universe!). things have calmed back down- for me anyway. but plenty of friends are still getting hit pretty damn hard. it’s been a shitty summer all the way around it seems.
so, what does it look like after the dust settles? well, oldest son is doing well for such a HUGE loss this young. we have good days and bad days. i’m trying to give him room but not let him get away with everything. it’s a fine line to walk and there’s not really many user guides on how to deal with shit like this. but he’s back to school now and that’s helping too. youngest son had a good summer all counted. time at the lake, learned to swim, nothing really big in his world besides the move. on the plus side, SINCE the move he had been staying dry at night and not needing diapers which has been a HUGE battle for us...so yea! me...well, i’m still crazy. but doing okay. it’s been a lot. it’s been a hard summer. the good news is that the state is actually working on my child support case so one way or another something will happen. we have an AMAZING new house how (triplex) that has such an amazing vibe to it. the new neighborhood is amazing, we have great people, great friends around us for the first time since moving to town two years ago (instead of being stuck in “the ghetto” part of town with everyone all spread out). i’ve had more people over and more get together’s/bbq’s at the new house in the month since we moved than i’ve had in the two years since we moved to spokane. I LOVE IT. it’s so great i can’t even say. we’re back into a small two bedroom apartment which i honestly LOVE more than the houses we’ve been in. never thought i’d go back to an apartment, but it’s so nice having everything close, only rooms that we use (both of the houses had rooms we never stepped foot into). the budget is better now so we can breathe and i won’t be so stressed out all the time (well, about that part of life anyway!). when all’s said and done, it’s so much better now. there’s still shit going on, it’s by no means fairy tales and rainbows now, but it’s closer now than it’s been in a LONG time.
this is surprisingly a really readers digest version of the summer. there was much more emotion, craziness, overall white coat inducing insanity than could ever be communicated. it seemed for a few weeks there that universe was honestly seeing how far it could push before i checked into a ward...wanted to write at those times but it was too much. it’s better now with a little time- a little perspective. i’m still working through most of it in my head- giant issues like: why did it work out when spawns dad and i got knocked up and did it all backwards but went to shit when he planned and prepared and did it the right way? how do you explain death to an 11 year old? how do you explain why his baby brother never had a chance to breathe? how do you explain to ANYONE why that happened? how do you deal with family when one side never stops letting you down and the other side never stops yelling at you for not trusting the side that lets you down? what happens when you see the world falling apart for everyone around you and you realize that a) you have no one close enough that would be that devastating to lose, and that b) you have no one to help you that through all the shit? how do you deal with the feeling of jealousy over someone that just lost their spouse because at least they had someone they loved and were that close to? what do you do when you realize you’ve become so bitter and jaded that it’s hard to imagine being any other way?
well. this just took a turn for the dark. welcome to my head. i keep trying to block those things out because i just honestly can’t face them or deal with them right now but they’re obviously still kicking around in there.
time to distract: SO. that was my summer “vacation”. it’s actually nice to have everyone back to school, have a routine again, a bedtime, a schedule. i’m sure there will be adjustments along the way- oldest spawn will actually be challenged and have homework and hard projects for the first time. he’ll also be around peers that are ALL like him now so it won’t be as easy for him to play king of the world...might do him a bit of good! youngest spawn is doing great so far in first grade...good teacher, excited to be learning. this year’s first day of school went a MILLION times better than the first day last year (if you don’t remember that blog...well, it’s been a year and i still can’t think of it without way too many bad words popping in my head!). this weekend they get to run away and visit the grandparents for a few days and do their final back to school shopping (read: coerce grandparents into spoiling them rotten). anyway. good vibe. good house. good kids. things are good right now. crossing my fingers and hoping it lasts for a while!
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